NT Women...how do you deal with them as an aspie male?

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Try Aspie women. That's all I have for right now.

What did I think he was going to do? I thought he was going to say, "ok, see you, nice talking to you" or some variation on that. (And this is referring to my youth as well, not because I am currently middle aged.) And 99.9% of the time, that is exactly what happened. It is a very rare man, thank goodness, who thinks that conversation implies a desire to go out on a date. With the vast majority of men, it doesn't. That's why the women are shocked. They thought they were just having a conversation very similar to the conversations they've had with countless other men.




It's because with the other men she has good conversations with that is all that it is....a good conversation. This idea that something else is implied is very uncommon.



Why not? Why should women only have conversations with men they would like to date? What a horrible world that would be to live in. I don't want to limit my conversations with men like that. I think the majority of men wouldn't like it much either, since it would mean they would only be able to converse with a woman if she wanted to date him. That would be a sad state of affairs.



I would hardly limit this to NT women because I'm willing to bet that AS women won't refuse to talk to a man unless they want to date him. As for the big guts, zero personality and mountain man beards- everybody has different taste. However I wouldn't be so quick to assume that a man has "zero personality" just because you don't think much of him.



The "wacky woman logic" you are missing is the fact that women don't want to decline all conversations with men they don't want to date. It would be both illogical and a very cramped existence to refuse to talk to a man when you genuinely want to talk to him but not date him.

edited to add:

For NTs, socializing is an enjoyable experience. This means that conversation is an end in itself, not a means to an end. This seems to be one of the core differences between AS and NT. If conversation is an arduous slog that you only endure to reach a goal, then of course you will be surprised when that goal is seemingly thwarted. But this makes the assumption that for everybody, conversation is an arduous slog that is only endured to reach a goal. And for NTs that's not true. So maybe that explains why the NT women were so shocked. For them, the conversation is the goal because conversations are fun.

Last edited by Janissy on 14 Aug 2011, 4:46 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I say she likes you for talks, sees you as safe, maybe because of no flirting from your end

sometime it is a bad day.. dunno why they do that
prolly nothing to do with you, dont overthink

keep trying, you be ok

I am an Aspie female. The reaction is no different.

People where I lived when I was little dated very young, in second grade. I got so freaked out by other kids being freaked out by asking each other out, I decided never to be the one to ask someone out.
As a matter of principle I will never ask someone out.

A few years ago I gained conscious motor control of my face and I've been practicing those "I'm interested" looks at attractive women, and it's amazing how if you do that they will be way more open about their relationship receptivity. Women tell me if they have a boyfriend within the first 60 seconds of a conversation, and usually try to ask me out within the first 5 minutes, after realizing I am not going to ask.

Hey what's with he "Aspie girls, that's all I got"? I'm fairly sure my wife is a non dx'd Aspie, if not then shadow. That's the only reason, meaning our slightly more similar temperments that have made it work. Would Aspie girls prefer an Aspie guy or NT? Anyone wanna vote on that?

I talk to many men I have absolutely no desire to have sex with.

Conversing =/= sex invite.

Definitely. In fact, I have more male friends than female friends; I prefer talking to males than talking to females. Males are more straightforward and more interesting to me. (There are a few notable female exceptions, mostly with atypical neurology, or females who are twenty or more years older than me, to whom I can relate to pretty well. A few NT females my own age have formed friendly relationships with me, but they are often highly skilled in socializing and the first to bridge the gap between NT and autistic.)

Ignore our romance-focused, sex-focused culture for a little bit--remember that most relationships, including opposite-sex relationships, are not romantic. If a woman is talking to you, assume she is doing so because... well, she wants to talk to you. Simple as that. Maybe she's trying to pass the time; maybe she sees you as friendly or interesting; maybe she knows you and hates sitting and not talking. You have to remember that NTs are real chatterboxes. They don't sit near each other and just co-exist like we might. They don't take turns lecturing about interesting things (usually--two NTs with the same strong hobby may do so). Many of them actually find it awkward to sit near someone and not talk, unless the person is a stranger in a public place (waiting room, bus stop, etc.) or unless they know the person very well (spouse, sibling). If they are near an acquaintance and not engaged in some task that takes up their attention, they will almost always talk. And, if a female acquaintance of yours talks to you, that's probably what she's doing--she's talking because you're there and it's what she does. It's a recognition and reinforcement that she considers you someone she knows as an acquaintance or friend. Pretty simple. Don't read more into it than is there; just listen and ask questions and get to know her, and maybe you'll make a friend.

Don't get intimidated by the opposite sex. We're not poisonous or anything.

Oh, I've definitely met some poisonous women

Sometimes on Craigslist, I will respond to women's ads I know I have absolutely nothing in common with. I know the ads frpm a lot of those girls don't apeal to me. I like I am practically telling them I don't have anything in common with them. Maybe i'm puposely taking shots in the dark on purpose. I don't know what I would do if I managed to get a hit. If they are nt maybe i would be miserable with them.

THIS.

Not everyone converses just to get laid, FFS.

If you want a "nice" girl, then you look at conversation, etc.


Approaching it from a slightly different angle, if what you want is sex, then there is the example of the following male - all he wants is sex, and then no more contact. So he goes around asking women if they want to sit on his face.

The result is normally him being shouted at, hit, slapped, hysteria, the police have been called a few times, and things thrown at him (once a set of saucepans, which the friend standing beside him found useful).

Surprisingly, one in every few hundred women approached actually says yes. They're not really prize specimens, but remember, what he wants is casual sex, not all the upgrade qualities. So this is one example of a man who is willing to put up with quite a bit of risk(physical and of being arrested) and abuse, for just that.

Or he could go and visit a prostitute. Or he could have a look at going to the rougher, more promiscuous areas of town (or other towns) and keep his eyes and ears open.

I like Callista's point about the actual conversation being the objective.

My husband is apparently NT (according to the on-line quizes). However, he has a lot of traits and I think if people were asked which of the two of us were most likely Aspie, most would guess it was him. He's very different from average, but I couldn't live with an average man (I find all that watching football on TV and going to the pub with their mates really unattractive). We complement one another nicely. It's part of the reason I decided he was the one.

OP - Is it possible that some of these women are in relationships and monogamous and you just never got to that part in your conversation? Also, some women are just flirtatious, but not trying to attract a mate. I know a woman who is happily married and has no intentions of having an affair. She's attractive and knows it and I think she's testing it out.

This is definately true.

I hate general chit-chat, I'm not good at it. Probably one of the reasons I can't find a boyfriend. I usually only converse for a purpose, not to enjoy it.

I have a friend who keeps telling me just to talk to men as friends. Just talk to all of them, not just the ones I'm attracted to. That way I will feel easier around the ones I actually want to have a relationship with.

I feel awkward talking to men because I think that they will assume that I am interested in them. I think they will freak out if they think I'm interested in them and they don't have any romantic interest in me.