Unable to say NO.

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I have been like this a lot. I've gotten a tad better as I got older, but I've let some things happen because of this in the past that have had very extreme consiquences.

If it's a stranger asking, I usually can say no, especially if it's a salesman or an evangelist. That's probably because it represents 2 of my pet hates - con artists and sudden invasions into my private space. I never entirely like saying no even to those invasive people, but I'm quite capable of it.

But that's probably because those people make me angry. If somebody doesn't make me angry, I seem to move them into the "friend zone" where it's very difficult for me to be deliberately cruel to them by denying them what they want.

It caused me a lot of trouble with one partner who was always asking for things I'd sooner not have granted - mostly financial and labouring help with stuff I had little interest in. I'd try to temper her demands by offering a compromise, but when I did that she would usually completely withdraw her request, which made me feel guilty. I guess it's guilt that's behind my difficulties in saying no, so the guilt-tripping antics felt especially painful. Things might have worked out differently if I could just have said no without feeling bad.

I think there's at least a couple of things going on here, in Aspie terms.

First, I'm lousy at sensing whether to comply or resist in a social situation, if it's in any way complicated, so I tend to be compliant, which seems less socially risky than always being the one to refuse. After all, if I had to choose between a friend who always tried to do what I asked and one who never did, I'd probably go for the former.

Second, I often still fall into the trap of black-and-white thinking, which makes me feel that there are only two possible answers - absolute compliance (i.e. love), or absolute refusal (i.e. hate). On a good day I can see between those extremes, and I can respond with finite love (probably the only kind of love there is)......I can offer to meet them halfway, I can ask for something in return to offset the damage to me, I can point them to other sources of help, I can help them in ways that are different to what they asked for and hope they will see the point, I can take some time out to think about it, I can at least give their problem my full attention and sympathy, and make suggestions of my own to fix it.

My upbringing hasn't made things any better. My mother would often fly into a rage and call me selfish and stupid if I asked for anything, and she'd take steps to ensure I never got what I wanted, if she disapproved of it. So I think I grew up with a big emotional knot about the whole issue, and as an adult it still gives me a storm in my mind if I have to send or receive requests. On the one hand I'm under internal pressure to react the way Mum used to, on the other I'm determined to demonstrate the opposite because I know how much it hurts to ask and be rejected.

Yes, I do have trouble saying "no", also. It happens when I really want to say no to someone, but if I end up being traumatized, intimidated, or uncomfortable, I end up saying "yes". However, in an uncomfortable state, I end up saying yes to someone who wants me to do something and was intimidated by that person. However, at this time, my other option that's like saying no is to just walk away. I just wish I could be more assertive when it comes to these situations, like speaking up, stand up, and how to handle them in a better way. However, because of my condition, these are the two options I have.

I developed this problem after being taught Social Thinking, which taught that saying no will make people have weird thoughts about you. I'm trying to get rid of this.

Also, from what I read about ABA, the therapy discourages people from saying no. I'm wondering if anyone here who has problems with saying no had been exposed to ABA when they were younger.