Do you agree with parents who know, but don't tell?

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It is cruel not to.

Yes, of course explain this to your child! There are age-appropiate ways to explain anything to children when they need to know. I can't believe this is a serious question!

Looks like I'm in the minority here. I think that if you tell someone, especially a young child, that they are different than everyone else, it will hurt their self-esteem. Also, children would be likely to tell their friends, who would make fun of them for it or even abandon them. Eventually they need to know, but there is a right time.

Children are not stupid. Actually kids with AS are pretty intelligent. They WILL notice they are different. They KNOW they are different. Not telling them is not gonna make that disappear. But will help them understand WHY they are different and will let them know they can do something about it.

My daughter felt a little awkward when we told her at age 8, but we also told her that now that we knew why she had the troubles she was having at school, we were going to be able to get help so she could overcome those problems. And we did. She actually started behavior modification therapy for Autism a couple for weeks BEFORE she was diagnosed, because the therapist said she was convinced GA had AS and the therapy was not gonna harm her anyway. GA felt relieved because she was working on overcoming her issues. About six months later she said, out of the blue: "I am happy to be an Aspie".

We advised our daughter not to tell other people about her diagnose. We told her that was private information and other people did not have to know about it. We also told her NT people do not always understand and will usually react in a very bad way. She understood. She does not tell anybody about her AS. She is 11 years old now. A couple of weeks ago a schoolmate was talking badly about Autistic people (saying people with Autism were crazy, bad of the head, etc.). My daughter got mad and defended Autistic people. Told him he was wrong and had no idea of what Autism was. The next day the guy told her he was sorry for being so rude, and that if he knew before she had Autism we wouldn't have told anything. My daughter did not reply anything, but then she asked me what to do, because I told her not to tell other people. I told her she does not have to be ashamed for be who she is. That she did not tell him, he apparently found out or was just guessing because of her reaction. I told her she does not have to deny having AS. That if people finds out then she cannot do anything about it and she will have to face the consequences, but that she should never deny who she is, because AS is part of who she is.

This is actually a good point. Yes, sometimes because of the child's Autism, all you can do is attempt to discuss it with them. This child's mother though, at least tried to do the right thing. It's not as if she intentionally did not tell him.

It is that intentional withholding I have a big problem with. I do not have a problem with parents trying and deciding, based on the child's reactions, to wait a while before trying again.

That isn't the same thing as deciding the child isn't ready to know based only on your own belief that they can't handle it without ever giving the child a chance to process the information. That is just plain selfish, because when parents do that, their decision is NOT based on what's best for the child, but IS based solely on what's best for themselves.

Listen to those of us who were not told. We already knew we were different. When your parents tell you you aren't, or dismiss those feelings, and don't tell you the truth, the damage done from that is far worse than the damage caused by ignorance in other children.

Take my case for example. Nobody knew about AS when I was a child. everyone told me I was just like everyone else, but I knew it wasn't so. I STILL got bullied. Not being told didn't prevent it.

In my case, my parents simply did not know. If they had, and I found out later that they never shared their knowledge with me, that would have damaged my relationship with them. Not only would I have grown up being bullied anyway, I would also have had the added weight of parents who did not tell me the truth.

I'm absolutely positive there are plenty of users on WP who have actually gone through this that can verify it.

The reasons you give for not telling don't cut mustard, because those things are highly likely to happen whether the child knows or not.

Remember that "feeling different" is an extremely common experience to almost all of us, even before we knew anything about AS. Knowing or not knowing rarely has anything to do with it.

Anyway, yes they should be told, but they should have everything explained to them, and not just once. They need to understand exactly why they are different, and they need to understand what they are and what they are not.

To hold back the truth in this case, will set up the kid for all kinds of self-doubt, and bullying, and just plain misery. I wasn't diagnosed until middle-age, and I absolutely would have done MUCH better as a child and teen, had I know "WHY" I was different or even weird. I had to hide emotions, and suppress things, and all of that was very unhealthy and caused me to be even more of an outcast, and have far less self-esteem.

Shame on parents who keep autism a secret, especially if it's for vanity in keeping the family image "perfect" among family and friends. I know a young couple with an autistic toddler who are doing just that, and now they have an NT son as well. The first one is going to be miserable, and the parents will make it his own fault somehow, until they can figure out how to blame it on the school system or something.

Charles

Yeah. My mom kept me from being labeled "autistic", but only by replacing that label with "stubborn", "rebellious", "cruel", and "lazy". How else was I supposed to explain things? Now that I have the proper label, I much prefer it. But I try not to look back on what could have been, if I had only been told; it's better to think about the future.

I can understand why parents wouldn't want to tell their kids. One of the reasons is they don't want them to use it as an excuse and let it limit them and stop them from trying. But is it wrong?

Sometimes parents don't believe in labels so they don't ever tell their child.


Mine kept autism from me because they thought the diagnoses was BS. I was 15 when mom told me for the first time that this one doctor said I was autistic and it was before I had tubes put in my ears. But yet it looks like other doctors said I had it too because they kept the medical records from 1987 and 1988 that mentioned it. I am not sure when I got diagnosed with it, July 1988 so I was either two or three. Then the diagnoses changed when I was four or five and then it was communication disorder when I was older. Mom kept all the other labels from me I had been diagnosed with and her reason is she didn't know what was wrong with me. She said neither of them explained everything. Then when I got diagnosed with AS, she told me I had it. I don't know if she told me right away or not. But she never told me it was a form of autism or a spectrum. I didn't even understand it then nor knew what it was then until I started to read about it.

As for mom not telling me what other conditions I have, I don't think it do me any good if she did tell me because I was so hooked on the word normal and wanted to be normal so her telling me all these things I have wrong with me would have upset me just like I didn't like hearing I have AS. So in this case I don't think it be wrong to not tell you child if they want to be normal and not want to be different so telling them what they have would be the last they they'd want to hear. I was still trying to push myself to be normal after being told what I have because I wanted to be "normal."

I think that parents should tell as early as possible. Autistic children don't really have that innate desire to be normal and fit in anyway, so telling them that their brains work differently and how differently is not going to hurt their self-esteem before they have internalized the need of their parents for them to be normal and fit in.

I disagree wight the statement that at young ages we don't long to belong, although I agree parents should tell thier children. I certainly wanted to fit in, I quit kindergarten because I couldn't handle how bad I felt about not being as good as the other kids were at handwriting, reading, math, and because I was mad I didnt have many friends, I would have killed back then to be "normal". Part of me still wants to change who I am and "fix" myself...

I don't feel an innate desire to fit in, the only reason I've ever wanted to fit in is because over time I realized that unusual people tend to be bullied. But not all autistics are like me.

Anyway, regarding tell or not tell, I think if you're not sure about their diagnosis it's fine not to tell them because they might get confused if it's not correct. But if you know for certain that the kid is autistic, and especially if you are giving the kid therapies for autistic kids, you should tell them. They'll notice that they're different, anyway.

Also, even if the kid is LFA, they should be told about autism. A lot of people think 'they don't know they're different' and they wouldn't understand an explanation anyway. LFA kids may be less able to notice differences between people, but their own differences tend to be obvious enough that even a toddler would notice that they're different. Surely they'd notice if others can talk and they can't, for example. And many accounts suggest that it's extremely hard to tell a kid with severe cognitive impairment from a kid with good cognitive skills and very poor communication/motor skills, so it's worth explaining it to them just in case they can understand.

You inform your kid about his diagnosis so your kid knows all those situations around his have a cause. Usually when a kid with AS finally gets a diagnosis he has passed for a lot of specialists, so the kid KNOWS something is not quite right. But the diagnosis is not a free pass to do whatever they want. It does not mean they can stop trying. At least that is our case, and I hope it is everyone else's case. If you know something is more difficult for you, you just need to try harder or find the way to achieve what you want. I have never allowed my daughter to use AS as an excuse for not doing or not trying. Some things are more difficult for her because of her AS, but there is always a way. With the appropriate help she can overcome the things that are difficult for her and achieve what she wants.

I wasn't told face to face. I was diagnosed when I was 5 and a half (according to my mum now I know) but I didn't know until I was ten. Even then my mum didn't actually tell me. She told a friend of hers and I just happened to be there. So, parents, please, TELL YOUR KIDS! I know when I'm older, if I have a kid on the spectrum I will tell him or her.

I literrally had to ask my mom "do I have aspergers" before I could get my own diagnosed. She says she didn't think the info would help me, nut really, I think I'm the only one fit to make that decision. It's even harder because I know she was just trying to do what she thought was best for me.