Do you ever feel like you are fading away when you are nice?

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"being nice tends to lead to relationships"

I noticed that! I'm sure some NTs will read this and go "Ahem, well, YEAH!". lol

For my first 28 years I was totally lost and frightened of people. Had zero coping mechanisms, outside my comfort zone(s). I discovered a town where people were magically candid on the whole. I felt safe to slowly become my true self. I remember saying to a friend after a year of becoming a nicer person - "I just want to be nice and do good things. I don't want people to want to be close to me!". So I mostly didn'tt say anything and had this big f off vibe while trying to be positive at the same time. Quite a balancing act!

I have learned over time to stand my ground and remain authentic while being silent and still. Somewhere in there, there seems to be a message that people are getting which says - "Sorry not interested in socialising but I hope you don't mind my silent company". And "If you don't mind, I'll just do my own thing over here and will try to not be creepy by connecting with you all by just watching".



So I think that is the balance that I am finding. It's easier being nice when I'm alone. In the company of others there is some mechanism where I feel I have to be contrary, oppositional, argumentative, to push against something rather than co-operate in order to feel that I exist. O and I don't like matching what others are doing because that encourages intimacy right? Cohesion?

I generally try to be as nice as possible, but I can be real mean if I'm in the mood. I'm also a lot more likely to be mean if you are pissing me off, I'm preoccupied, tired, or other wise not thinking about it, though I still try to keep cool and do what I feel is right. I want to be a good person, I try to be a good person, but sometimes I get a little bit tired of trying so hard to be better when everyone else is being a jerk.