Aspies in Dysfunctional Families (Scapegoat and Lost Child)

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Danlo, you've been brainwashed. Yes, brainwashed, the same thing that the Soviet government used to do. Your parents were so hard on you, that they managed to convince you that you're the problem. And the worst thing is that you internalized it. And what is it with taking a look from others' point of view? Are you saying that kids should assume responsibility for making parents happy?

(It gets pretty drawn out at this point, so feel free to stop reading if you wish.) Nirrti_rachelle pointed out very nicely that aspies in childhood often end up either lost children or scapegoats. I was the same way as a kid, except in slightly different forms.

Age 0 to 4: the disillusionment phase
This is when the first difficulties of childhood started coming in. I don't remember anything from before the age of 2, but after that, it wasn't pleasant. Household noises bothered me, and the chandelier in my apartment scared the bejeezus out of me. My parents often spanked me for every little infraction, from touching the hot stove to showing too much fear of the phone ringing. My preschool teacher was extremely old-fashioned, and believed that the parents are always right no matter what. Life in preschool itself was surprisingly tolerable, although nowhere near paradise. Whatever the world was, it was definitely not a pleasant place. Since I didn't know any better, I internalized the unpleasantness as completely normal. After I heard the story of Noah's Ark, I started harboring apocalypse fantasies.

Age 5 to 9: the conflicting phase
I started school during this time, and given my high intelligence level, my parents expected only the best and nothing but the best. If I got anything lower than a B, strong punishments ensued. My teachers at school, per my parents' request, always called them to tell them how I'm doing in class. As a result, I viewed my life as a constant struggle against The System. My teachers and parents always tried to make my life as miserable as possible, while my goal was to avoid the misery by getting good grades. Luckily, I did have some friends who respected me, so at least I had some time to run around and play. At the same time, other kids in school bullied me, and teased me about my smartness. So you can imagine the conflict between having my parents punish me if I got bad grades, and having kids in school bully me if I got good grades. (At the time, I thought they hated me for my good grades.)

Age 9 to 13: the robotic phase
The increasing severety of bullying and my parents' strictness about everything turned me into an automaton, devoid of all that is human. At that time, I lost my childhood friends, which made things worse. I was nothing more than a robot, who on a daily basis did nothing else but study, read encyclopedias, eat, sleep, and take a dump (sorry, had to put that in to lighten the mood a little). Punishments for bad grades became more severe, due to my track record of good grades, <sarcasm>which I supposedly got because I truly wanted to</sarcasm>. I learned that bullying didn't happen because of my grades, so I coped the only way I knew: by keeping my face buried in books. My own wishes and needs didn't matter, it seemed. Ironically, my parents seemed very pleased with my robotic life; I guess it made things convenient for them, since all they needed to punish me for were bad grades. And trust me, the punishments were severe.

Age 14 to 18: the escapist phase
High school provided a relatively pleasant change in setting. My parents no longer kept such close tabs on me. I was finally allowed to ride the city's transit system on my own; I guess my parents trusted me, since they knew I was good with maps. At this point, studying extremely hard to get good grades became a habit I couldn't get out of. Many nights, I did nothing but study for hours, stopping only to eat dinner very quickly. It seemed like a form of escape from the bullying at school, an excuse to stay up late to surf the net (does anyone do it anymore?) while saying I'm doing homework, and keep my parents out of my way (privacy while studying is one thing they respected). I ended up choosing computer science as my major in college very early on, and my parents encouraged that. Being a somewhat difficult subject, I had to study a lot for it, even with my intelligene. So intensive studying provided some form of escape from the struggle of life.

Age 19 to 21: the uncertain phase
In most of college, I was witnessing things that I missed out on in high school. This included things like dating, sex, drinking, etc. I lived vicariously through my classmates, but knew I could never have that. I saw how happy the students who lived in dorms were, yet felt upset that I had to live at home. My said I had to live at home, or pay for everything myself, so what choice did I have? I was confused about what I wanted out of life. I wanted to enjoy it like a human being should, yet all my life, my parents forced their way on me. My grades dropped as a result of this dilemma, and I didn't care. On the upside, I did get to do things like drink until blacking out and make out with a girl I just met, so while I became happier about life, my dilemma about what I wanted out of it worsened. And still being a virgin was taking its toll on my self-esteem.

Age 22 to 23: the bitter phase
This is where I realized that the way I lived my life, at least before the age 21, was nowhere near the way I wanted. At first, my parents forced it on me, then I lived my life their way simply because I didn't know any better. As both me and my friends matures, I started to really trust them and became more secure in friendships. I also hired an escort to get rid of my virginity. It seems like my life was looking up. Yet all these improvements have a dark side. I realized that I completely wasted 20 years of my life. Until I started questioning the way I lived a few years ago, I was a lost child (and teen), in the true sense of the word. I lived my life like a robot who did nothing but study, not like a human being. I also fought with my parents' all the time, and I finally spoke up about what I thought of their parenting style. I still can't get over the bitterness about how my true wishes and desired have been supressed all my life.

The future: what does it hold
When I find a permanent job, I'm going to get my own apartment. I pray and wish for a lifestyle where I don't have to fight for everything that is near and dear to me. I'm also planning to attend synagogue at least occasionally. Maybe after I save up more money, I'll travel to a lot of wonderful places: Israel, Scandinavia, Turkey, Argentina, and many more. One thing that will not be in my future is wife and kids. I tried family life once, and didn't like it. I don't want to go through it again.

My parents were cruel to me in many ways. The did clothe, feed, shelter, and educate me though, so I feel guilt, in that I am indebted to them. However some of the stuff they did to me makes my head spin. I have children of my own now and am all the more baffled over their behavior. They hated that I did not socialize well and their solution was to punish me for not being social, and to force me into social situations. I was definitely the black sheep of the family, they would even say as much.

I thought you said they took you to counselling about your bad behavior?

I've been there too, I spent my life getting blamed for alot of things, even my sister's problems. They would never blame her or force her to take responsibility because "Fault is for boys not for girls" or "It's never a girl's fault."

I've read about the roles in dysfunctional families before and found it interesting. I don't think it's as cut and dry as some say. I think a person can bounce between one role and another in the family, especially when there are changes in the family such as a sibling leaving home. I bounced between Scapegoat and Lost Child, with the latter being the better role. There was a time when I even thought I had a shot at Hero, but it never came to pass.

I tend to think most Aspies will be one of those two roles.

Same with me. I'm the only person I know who was punished by having their books taken away and had to be forced to go to the beach or the pool. Sometimes she would lock me out of the house to try to get me to be social.

I would like to sound off briefly here, but without going into great detail about my life, ( It's currently 9:40 PM, and I have to be up for work tomorrow at 4AM) and point out that there does appear to be a genetic factor with AS disorders.

Thanks Niirti for bringing this up.

Yes, indeed... they did... and the counselor made me the scapegoat yet again. I think they chose him just for this reason--that he seemed to believe the same as they did, that I was the "bad child".

For example, I remember describing an episode in which my mom had yelled at me for an hour because I'd dropped an egg while helping her make breakfast; and the counselor reprimanded me for not holding the egg more securely. I remember thinking, "It was an accident... I couldn't help it... why doesn't he say anything to Mom about yelling for so long when I didn't mean to do it?"

This went on until I told him about my last stepdad's abuse. The counseling ended three sessions later, because apparently he figured that now that I'd "had a breakthrough" and told him what happened to me, everything was solved. The reality of it was that I hadn't realized that the sort of beatings I'd gotten were anything out of the ordinary, and had just now thought to mention it.

Some years later when I told my parents, straight out, that I was suicidal and needed help, I was just told that it was PMS and I'd get over it.

Being an Aspie at the age of 25, as well as an adoptee. I am the only one who has been through therapy and managed from it all, over the past 13 years. As for the rest of my 'dysfunctional' family: N/A. I have two brothers that are married and have 3 children each. Yet, whenever their families visit, I see that not only their children, but their wives and themselves need therapy. What bothers me the most, is that my own parents, do not set boundaries for many of my nieces and nephews inappropriate behaviors.
One of my brother's 3 children is in an abusive situation, and what makes me angry, is that no one can do anything to stop it!
I can't even talk to my own mother about it. I can't mention it to my brother and his wife, or that'll stop all of my chances of seeing them and my nephews and niece. Whenever I do bring it into discussion, my family treats me as if I'm stupid! As if I can't comprehend, what is happening in my own family! So, point in case: Since my adoption, I have been living with a dysfunctional family. But, I wouldn't be here if not for God and as well as therapy. (Not all therapists, are fools, you know.)

Thank you for sharing this, I am so sorry you had to lose your mom so young, but your response was priceless! I could totally see my son reacting the very same way.

I was the family scapegoat for a long time until about last year. My mom had me really young and when I was a baby treated me like a cute toy rather than a child. Then when I got old enough to start displaying my own opinions I wasn't interesting anymore and was just the reason she couldn't have nice things or do anything fun (her words literally). I moved out when I was 16, lived with my great grandmother for a couple months, but felt too guilty about the financial burden. I got a job and moved in with my grandmother instead who could better cover the gap that the job didn't cover. My grandmother basically ignored that I was there (not really in a mean way, just she's never been interested in that whole family thing). Last year though my mom finally started running into the problems of an ignored child that doesn't take care of themself and suddenly she's telling the family she feels bad, and I wasn't that bad and asking me to move back in to help her with bills and my brothers. I'm tempted to tell her if she doesn't want them I'll take my brothers as long as she can provide child support (I can't afford two teenagers, they eat too much ) and she can get that life she's been going on about us stealing from her for years.

No Func topic

This is why I have no contact with my genetic family. I hope they haven not found someone else to goat.

my parents divorced before i was born. my father would fall under the category of neglectful since he left his children in the custody of a woman who put him in the hospital after trying to kill him (hence the divorce.) he's spent most of my life out of the country and i was the product of a postdivorce hook up. my father knows well when to get in and when to get out, after all he generally dates crazy women. or maybe he makes them crazy?

my mother is hard to pin down. we're never quite sure whether she's insane or evil or some delightful mix of both. she abused me and all of my sisters. i was actually the least physically abused because i fell into the "invisible child" category. being invisible meant that i was the most neglected. i was lucky if anyone remembered to feed me as a child and my mother (trying to explain why i was generally 20+ underweight) told doctors i had an eating disorder.

every family has their traditions and in my family that proved to be running away from home. my two older sisters ran away before i did at 14. of course that lead to an ugly custody battle. a particularly juicy moment was when a social worker tried to convince me that i had to love my mother no matter what...

For me, I was only abused by my peers....and sometimes my siblings would be narcistic toward me, BUT since I was well behaved and helped with the bills and did well in school anyways acedemic wise, I was the pride of the family and was boasted about toward their friends.My older NT sister dropped out of high school and was on drugs and such.When my parents noticed my grades were better than hers and anyone elses, they bragged about me, and so I was kinda the opposite of a scapegoat...I was however pressured to keep doing well.

When I got grades better than my sibs, it was chalked up to being smart, which didn't count, because I didn't have to work as hard. Being smart is sort of right up there with cheating. <you're no good, you're no good, baby you're no good>