I have a question for an Aspie, can you help me?

Post Reply New Topic

Are you 100 percent sure however it is aspergers? What signs does he show?

If I am trying to contain a meltdown, the best thing to do is not talk to me especially if it leads to more negative comments such as a verbal fight. Did he apologize after?

Here is my nutshell insight for you, based on my own experiences with personal anger, and being the victim of abuse. Granted I did not read all the posts above, partly because I was finding it cumbersome in light of what I wanted to mention- and that being, I did not see any mention of OVERSTIMULATION!! Now... someone was right when they said that there is no excusing harmful behaviour, but the best thing you can do for this man is to understand where it is coming from. Here are a few things to consider, in light of overstim.:

1.) His behaviour sounds depressive, for starters. I can personally attest to not wanting people to talk to me, even if they are calm and gentle: it can be overwhelming, depending on what I'm going through internally. If he has received the diagnosis later in life, he has a TON of baggage to work through on his own before he can verbalize.

2) Baggage usually involves hurt, anger, being misunderstood, feeling trapped, social confusion, etc. etc.! I know aspies including myself who have lashed out, or wanted to, in near psychotic meltdowns because of emotional overstimulation. When he started getting quiet like that, that automatically means his feelings are being internalized, which means they will explode at some point, usually at the wrong time in the wrong way!

ASPERGERS SYNDROME involves "emotional dysregulation"! !

3.) AS is also very commonly comorbid with psychiatric disorders of mood, thought, executive function, etc. He needs a proper assessment, not just by a nurse.

4.) One point I feel I should mention in brief -- not intending to scare you -- is that physical abuse is associated with both Anti-Social and Narcissistic Personality Disorders, because of the common lack of empathy.

In sum, the best way to care for him is to seek to understand him by first of all getting him properly assessed. Be patient with him but keep yourself protected, if the situation necessitates it. I am not a doctor and not attempting to sound like a know-it-all..... I'm simply speaking from experience!

I feel for you, and for him. Best of luck with teasing apart the issues, I know it's tough.... hang in there!

~E.

P.S. I like hoods and blankets.... they reduce overstim., as do sunglasses.

You should leave him! I know it is not that easy but he sounds like a bastard.
I am an aspie and I would or have never hurt a soul.
You need to think about your safety. I'm sure you love him very much but if he is a threat to you safety that is when you need to leave.
It does not matter what causes the outburst violence is not acceptable ever.
I have never treated anyone like that in my life so he has no excuse.

No, he never apologizes, he will then try to explain why he gets that way. He says I provoke him, by talking, just talking nothing negative. Sometimes I need to ask him something important and it happens not to be the right time, however I don't know when is the right time, so now I won't be asking him anything. I will figure things out in my own mind, and not jump to any conclusions, just remember he doesn't like to be pressed for answers, he has problems coping. He likes to beleive there are no issues, even if one stares him in the face. Eventually all is solved in time. He always brings out my maternal instincts, perhaps this is a problem for him, thinking I don't trust he can take care of himself, I may be over protective. Like many have said here, there is no reason for being abusive, this is true. But I'm starting to think I might be more an Aspie than he is.. I think I'm going to take the Asperger test, although my friend Janet said Im an NT....I'm wondering if Im somehow mimicking the NT and not aware of it....till now when I read more about here in these forums and discussions. I felt alone all my life, and I was always the outcast somehow, people would not understand my need for space, or living at the library when I was a student. I couldn't relate to my friends, they seem to be having such a great time after school, and on weekends.
My husband doesn't mean to be abusive, I know this because his bite is not fierce, I can sense he's holding back his strength. It might be fear which makes him react violently. He has been bullied a lot while growing up, and his father use to beat him severely. I have given him another chance, but I did call the police to teach him not to do it again. He said "Of all the people I know I never thought you would be one to call the police" does this make sense to you, it doesn't to me. But then I always need to remember its autism. There is an answer and I will find it. Thank you for all your replies, I appreciate it, and yes you have helped more than you may know.

=====================================================
Yes, "Emotional Stimulation", I am an emotional being and don't alwasys know how to express, so it might be overwhelming him, especially at a time like this, when he's looking for work. Well he found employment just a few days ago...it might help his mood. I am a very patient person, my friends say I'm an angel of mercy and I'm hanging in there. BTW...I wear dark sunglasses most ot the time, even at night or when its dark outside. I can't stand the light, sun, or flurescent lighting. I'm opposite when it comes to clothing, socks, shoes, blankets I can't tolerate, it suffocates me. What relaxes me is when my husband places one leg over me in bed, the weight of his leg, reduces stress in me, relaxes me so I can fall asleep. Its not so bad living apart during the week, because I lke my space, but don't particularly like sleeping alone.

I highly advise you to seek therapy for your issues. Your husband is not a child, he is an adult. He blames you for the way he treats you, and he if he hits your or pushes you, that's exactly what he means to do.

You have admitted he does not been diagnosed by someone qualified to do so and the only determination that he is on the spectrum has been made by you, and you seem to only have very topical knowledge of spectrum disorders when there are many disorders that can seem similar to those who are unfamiliar with them.

Regardless of whether he is on the spectrum or not, it is not ok for him to be abusive.

Look up narcissism.

Some people confuse narcissism with autism because they read about autism and see "lack of empathy" as a criteria when autistics don't have a lack of care for others the same way narcissists and psychopaths do. Our lack of empathy is really lack of theory of mind.

If he had aspergers and he knew that he hurt you, you'd hear apologies. If he's a narcissist or psychopath, you'd hear no apologies or fake apologies. He would blame you then blame other events in his life.

you can answer these questions to see if he could be a narcissist. (Although this seems to have something to do with a church, it does list the symptoms well)

http://power2serve.net/Narcissism%20Checklist.htm


AND this one might be beneficial checklist for your relationship and role in it. Are you now codependent and is he a narcissist?

http://www.fightbusters.com/Narcissism_ ... dence.html

I'm hoping you get out. Narcissistic spouses can degrade you and make you appear to be the crazy one. You'll have little self esteem left.

If someone can't say I am sorry, that often means they don't value the person owed the apology.

The movie was crab, but I also played the game, it was great

People with Aspergers syndrome aren't naturally any more violent than neurotypical "normal" people however there is one condition, called a meltdown which can cause serious problems if it isn't under control.

Note: Meltdowns and Temper tantrums are NOT the same thing.

A temper tantrum usually results from someone attempting to use force/violence get something. For example, a child will chuck a tantrum until they are given a sweet. Some adults have tantrums too. The key with a tantrum being that the person having it is in control at all times. They can stop whenever they want to and will usually stop when they receive what they desire.

A meltdown is an entirely different beast altogether. A meltdown is an extreme and generally uncontrollable reaction to events, sensations, ideas or issues. Meltdowns will usually have an immediate trigger but result from longer term problems (bottled up by a person) over a longer period of time. A person in a meltdown state is less responsible for their actions and usually cannot stop until things run their course.

It's worth figuring out whether these reactions are meltdowns or tantrums.

In either case though, domestic violence is not acceptable and you need to consider removing yourself from these situations.

If we're talking about meltdowns and if your husband is willing to listen and work to rectify the problem then you can help him to recognise and avoid his triggers - and to see less dangerous forms of meltdown (ie: going to a specified room before it errupts).

If the problem is temper, then it means that your husband is being abusive and taking advantage of you. It's a sure sign that you need to get out.

BTW: You might find that YOU are a trigger for meltdowns given your marital situation. In this case, it might be best to either rejoin the family or separate entirely. A half-situation like you currently have is an excellent way to provoke continuous meltdowns.

PM me if you want, I am trying to keep the thread on track.

Look up narcissism.

Some people confuse narcissism with autism because they read about autism and see "lack of empathy" as a criteria when autistics don't have a lack of care for others the same way narcissists and psychopaths do. Our lack of empathy is really lack of theory of mind.

If he had aspergers and he knew that he hurt you, you'd hear apologies. If he's a narcissist or psychopath, you'd hear no apologies or fake apologies. He would blame you then blame other events in his life.

you can answer these questions to see if he could be a narcissist. (Although this seems to have something to do with a church, it does list the symptoms well

AND this one might be beneficial checklist for your relationship and role in it. Are you now codependent and is he a narcissist?

I'm hoping you get out. Narcissistic spouses can degrade you and make you appear to be the crazy one. You'll have little self esteem left.[/quote]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes I have researched into the psychology of narcissism, but not to any great length yet...
there are many types of narcissism. Here is a Main article by: Alexander Lowen

Alexander Lowen identified narcissists as having a true and a false, or superficial, self. The false self rests on the surface, as the self presented to the world. It stands in contrast to the true self, which resides behind the facade or image. This true self is the feeling self, but it is a self that must be hidden and denied. Since the superficial self represents submission and conformity, the inner or true self is rebellious and angry. This underlying rebellion and anger can never be fully suppressed since it is an expression of the life force in that person. But because of the denial, it cannot be expressed directly. Instead it shows up in the narcissist's acting out. And it can become a perverse force.
-------------------------------------
I see narcissism here to be true, however it gets more complicated, due to his country of origin, Africa. One has to be careful not to overlook his political war perils, which I suspect might make hid narcisstic behavior more prominent, subsequently Aspergers Syndrome taking a back seat when it comes to his social environment; similar to a Jeckyl and Hyde temperament. But this is all speculation as you know. He would never accept any kind of tests, unfortunetly.

Look up narcissism.

Some people confuse narcissism with autism because they read about autism and see "lack of empathy" as a criteria when autistics don't have a lack of care for others the same way narcissists and psychopaths do. Our lack of empathy is really lack of theory of mind.

If he had aspergers and he knew that he hurt you, you'd hear apologies. If he's a narcissist or psychopath, you'd hear no apologies or fake apologies. He would blame you then blame other events in his life.

you can answer these questions to see if he could be a narcissist. (Although this seems to have something to do with a church, it does list the symptoms well

AND this one might be beneficial checklist for your relationship and role in it. Are you now codependent and is he a narcissist?

I'm hoping you get out. Narcissistic spouses can degrade you and make you appear to be the crazy one. You'll have little self esteem left.[/quote]
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yes I have researched into the psychology of narcissism, but not to any great length yet...
there are many types of narcissism. Here is a Main article by: Alexander Lowen

Alexander Lowen identified narcissists as having a true and a false, or superficial, self. The false self rests on the surface, as the self presented to the world. It stands in contrast to the true self, which resides behind the facade or image. This true self is the feeling self, but it is a self that must be hidden and denied. Since the superficial self represents submission and conformity, the inner or true self is rebellious and angry. This underlying rebellion and anger can never be fully suppressed since it is an expression of the life force in that person. But because of the denial, it cannot be expressed directly. Instead it shows up in the narcissist's acting out. And it can become a perverse force.
-------------------------------------
I see narcissism here to be true, however it gets more complicated, due to his country of origin, Africa. One has to be careful not to overlook his political war perils, which I suspect might make hid narcisstic behavior more prominent, subsequently Aspergers Syndrome taking a back seat when it comes to his social environment; similar to a Jeckyl and Hyde temperament. But this is all speculation as you know. He would never accept any kind of tests, unfortunetly.

That is why you take it based on what you see of him. Narcissists don't like to be wrong, never apologize or feign it but later reveal they weren't really sorry.

I don't think it is as clear as that. I had a famous meltdown but I accept full responsibility for what happened and I was never out of control. It was like an elemental force, but I kept my head the whole time.

Do tell how the testing goes. From your language usage, I was suspecting you were also fairly aspergian even though you might not strictly qualify as someone who officially has aspergers.