Learning to handle playful teasing / witty banter

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Save up those retorts you think of long after the conversation is over, if you can. Store them away in a file in the back of your head. With practice, you may surprise yourself by coming up with one now and again. If your not in the habit of being able to come up with them as quickly as others (I'm not either), it'll take them totally off guard because it's so unexpected coming from you. That's what I do, and on the rare occasions I can pull one out of my *ahem!* it usually catches people so off guard they laugh like hell.

Often this is all I can do.

I don't feel comfortable with people who have to make a joke of everything constantly. Sometimes it seems like defensive behavior to avoid showing vulnerability. I don't like that.

When I make jokes it's because I think they're funny.

I do this all the time! When I think of a perfect comeback, I'll end up saying it. Sometimes it helps to make fun of yourself and be a little sarcastic back, since most of it is about seeing the humour and exaggeration in a situation.

I was volunteering at a charity yesterday, and there was a bunch of chocolate left over and no one wanted it. So I grabbed some at first, and then decided "Well, I'm making cookie baskets for my friends and I could use that chocolate." So I took some more, and this woman kept teasing me "Oh, just take the whole bag!" "Don't eat it all!". At first, this joking came as a surprise, but then I said with a smile, "Actually, yes, I am going to go home, sit down on the couch and start stuffing it all in my face." Positive reponse! Five years ago, I wouldn't be able to do this.

Thanks for all the replies. As an aside, I'm 45, so I've been struggling with this issue my whole life.

Practice would seem to make a lot of sense. Unfortunately, I'm completely speechless and can muster no response other than a nervous giggle. If it's truly funny, I might give a non-nervous giggle! Literally nothing comes to my mind so I don't even know how to practice because I can't think of any kind of response. Apparently, my wife is a master at this at work but never does it with me because she knows I can't respond. I've asked her how she can think of responses so quickly, and what the steps are to formulating an appropriate response, but she has no idea what's going on in her brain.

For me, it's as if I cannot jump out of factual reality enough to give non-literal responses to playful comments. My mind goes blank, or sort of searches for an answer, but I come up with nothing. If I think of anything at all, it is usually 30-40 seconds after the entire social encounter has ended! To make this odder, I have a good sense of humor, including puns, Spoonerisms, etc. but when you add a social element to it, I don't seem to be able to think of anything. I'm an Ivy PhD so I know it's not a lack of intelligence!

As an example, my wife was just telling me about a coworker of hers who is always joking around like this. One crude, and not necessarily all that funny example was that her coworker got up out of someone's chair and said "I farted in your chair" to rib the person. I thought about what I might say about this for almost 3-4 minutes and was stumped. I asked my wife how she would respond, and she said right away that she'd probably laugh and then say "Thank you!" Her response in some way seems so utterly simple, but I have to admit that I was totally surprised by it and probably wouldn't have thought of that response given an hour to ponder it!

Here is another example: I was watching a TV program (Locked Up Abroad). A Mexican cop, in a tense situation, asked a guy if he was bringing anything back from Mexico. The American guy responded, "Nothing but a bad hangover!" And the cop laughed. I wouldn't be able to come up with this response. I don't know how to go from the initial statement to the non-literal reply.

I wish I could figure this stuff out... Or that there were a "guide for the comeback perplexed" to consult!

Are there steps that those of you who know how to do it can relate? In particular, I'm thinking about the thought process that goes from the funny tease, to recognizing that's what it is, and then selecting an appropriate response. Thanks again.

Just laugh and look like you don't mind, and try and do it back at some point. I've managed to perfect it fairly well in the past few years.

I am not good at recognizing playful teasing, so I rarely engage in it. I tend to take everything seriously, even if it is obviously ridiculous.

btbnnyr,

Unlike you, I can recognize playful teasing maybe 90% of the time, with the other 10% I'll identify it as mean, but I doubt that's always the case. It just seems that way to me.

It's all in the response. And my problem responding happens with my wife and kids so it's not unfamiliarity with their sense of humor, etc. About 10 minutes ago one of my teenage boys was playing around and said to me that "Mom's been at he holiday rum again" because she was acting silly, but she doesn't drink. I said nothing as I couldn't think of anything to say. I still can't think of anything. It's hard to jump in and practice when nothing comes to mind.

So, with this thing that my son said, how would any of you go about responding? I'm referring to the thought process involved with coming up with the response, not the response itself. I just feel that if I knew how other people do this, and could break it down into steps, I'd be able to start to learn.

I would probably make the chug-glug-glug noises and glass-downing motions of drinking while unfocusing my eyes and upturning my mouth into a drunkenly delighted smile. I would act out what the other person said without saying anything. I think that this would be an easy way to engage in playful teasing with close family and friends, but it might not be socially appropriate around other people, like work colleagues at the holiday party.

For me, a much more likely response would be, "What?! Mom's started DRINKING?!"

There was a time when I really hated being teased. I especially hated being teased by authority figures. I felt I was not being taken seriously. Even today I have to remind myself that teasing is a sign of acceptance, not rejection.

Fortunately, I have a quick wit, and if I can keep my temper I can usually tease back. That seems to make everything OK.

A laugh is quite sufficent for this one. No witty come-back is required.
The important thing is not to be seen to be taking it seriously.

If anyone challenged for a comeback in one of these situations, but can't think of one, feel free to use this:

Person: So, no comeback then?
You: If you want my comeback, go wipe it off your mum's face.

That'll shut 'em up

Watch how others do it. Observe what people do, and say. Try not to hang around too long though, and make mental notes, because watching people and writing stuff down will just look weird (I've done it, when I was younger. I learned that was a mistake very quickly)

I'm totally like this. I used to tease more before in my life, and I had to realize that I almost always came off as being rude. It can be so aggravating that I simply can not come up with anything that could be considered an "appropriate" comeback. Needless to say it happens more often than I like. When stress builds up in me due to teasing (or bullying), people would freak out at my behavior when I got fed up with it...


It's annoying how acceptable and even desirable a constantly joking / teasing person can be, especially in the eyes of females... And when I happen to say something as an attempt at guarding myself, I'm just tossed out the window virtually by the same persons...

So, thank you for sharing your experiences and suggestions, it seems that I need some advices very much. According to what I've read in "A Field Guide to Earthlings", teasing is ultimately about rank / power. Even sexual teasing (like wearing a sexy cloth) is a way of communicating what you might get but you have to do a lot of things in order to get it...

Although I have in the past engaged in banter, it still feels unnatural to me. I have to know the other person extremely well before I’ll even consider doing it. And there are some people, who's supposed banter I find incredibly offensive, even nasty, almost like a form a bullying. To them it might seem as if they are trying to bond, but to me it feels rather like they are trying to but one over on me; trying to use banter to set up a pecking order with me at the bottom. I’ve noticed this also happens to others. And have even felt the need to come to the aid of a person being brow-beaten by this dubious form of so-called banter.

Those are great, especially the last one! Now can you explain to me how you came up with them? There has to be a thought process behind this, and until I can crack that, there is no hope for me. Thanks!