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Frustrated: I Don't Mean to Offend, But It Happens

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Tequila
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30 Dec 2011, 12:30 am

Sibyl wrote:
say, if you called a boy or man "pretty", that's a word that's used about women, and would sound like you were saying he's gay.


It might also be seen as you making a creepy sexual advance on them.



League_Girl
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30 Dec 2011, 12:50 am

Sibyl wrote:
Don't make "you" statements. Don't attribute _anything_ to them personally.

It isn't that they're too "lazy" to tell you what you did or said, it's that it's something embarrassing to them. Saying it again themselves, trying to explain it to you, would just make it more "real" to them, and attach the uncomplimentary label that much more firmly. Things that have double meanings would be especially bad, because they'd have to bring the hidden meaning out into the open. Even things that you think are complimentary -- say, if you called a boy or man "pretty", that's a word that's used about women, and would sound like you were saying he's gay. Look at the words themselves, at every possible meaning of them besides the one you intended.



But don't NTs know the double meanings? So why hide it if they already know?



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30 Dec 2011, 12:53 am

League_Girl wrote:
But don't NTs know the double meanings? So why hide it if they already know?


Because, in general, whenever there is evidence of doubt in their minds about double meanings most will choose the most negative one.



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30 Dec 2011, 1:19 am

League_Girl wrote:
nemorosa wrote:
I feel your pain. Many times I've received a variation on the line "You know very well what you did". Asking for clarification does no good as they just will not say what it is that you have done, and often seems to make them angrier. I find this particular reaction one of the most contrary, bizarre and upsetting facets of human behaviour I know. It is moments like these they I truly feel isolated in this world as such thinking is entirely alien to me.



I always think people are too lazy to tell you (general you) what you did wrong when you ask. Then they get pissed when you have no idea what you did. Even if they think you are faking it, they are still too lazy to tell you.
Nah, I don't think people don't tell you what you did wrong because they're lazy. People probably assume that most everyone naturally knows how to socially interact, knows what is and isn't appropriate in a given social context, and that if you say something offensive it's because you're wanting to be an ass. So when an autistic person asks for clarification on what was said inappropriately, the NT response is, "stop acting like a dumbs**t. You know what you said". It never occurs to them that for some people, interacting with others is a skill that needs to be taught.



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30 Dec 2011, 1:54 am

SyphonFilter wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
nemorosa wrote:
I feel your pain. Many times I've received a variation on the line "You know very well what you did". Asking for clarification does no good as they just will not say what it is that you have done, and often seems to make them angrier. I find this particular reaction one of the most contrary, bizarre and upsetting facets of human behaviour I know. It is moments like these they I truly feel isolated in this world as such thinking is entirely alien to me.



I always think people are too lazy to tell you (general you) what you did wrong when you ask. Then they get pissed when you have no idea what you did. Even if they think you are faking it, they are still too lazy to tell you.
Nah, I don't think people don't tell you what you did wrong because they're lazy. People probably assume that most everyone naturally knows how to socially interact, knows what is and isn't appropriate in a given social context, and that if you say something offensive it's because you're wanting to be an ass. So when an autistic person asks for clarification on what was said inappropriately, the NT response is, "stop acting like a dumbs**t. You know what you said". It never occurs to them that for some people, interacting with others is a skill that needs to be taught.



But there are lot of stupid people in the world so why not give them the benefit of the doubt when they say something wrong and just tell them when they ask? Maybe the person is dumb. Not saying we are dumb but they would think we are for not knowing so just in case we are that "dumb" they would play along by telling us exactly. Even if they still think you know what you did wrong, they should tell tell you.



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30 Dec 2011, 2:07 am

League_Girl wrote:
SyphonFilter wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
nemorosa wrote:
I feel your pain. Many times I've received a variation on the line "You know very well what you did". Asking for clarification does no good as they just will not say what it is that you have done, and often seems to make them angrier. I find this particular reaction one of the most contrary, bizarre and upsetting facets of human behaviour I know. It is moments like these they I truly feel isolated in this world as such thinking is entirely alien to me.



I always think people are too lazy to tell you (general you) what you did wrong when you ask. Then they get pissed when you have no idea what you did. Even if they think you are faking it, they are still too lazy to tell you.
Nah, I don't think people don't tell you what you did wrong because they're lazy. People probably assume that most everyone naturally knows how to socially interact, knows what is and isn't appropriate in a given social context, and that if you say something offensive it's because you're wanting to be an ass. So when an autistic person asks for clarification on what was said inappropriately, the NT response is, "stop acting like a dumbs**t. You know what you said". It never occurs to them that for some people, interacting with others is a skill that needs to be taught.



But there are lot of stupid people in the world so why not give them the benefit of the doubt when they say something wrong and just tell them when they ask? Maybe the person is dumb. Not saying we are dumb but they would think we are for not knowing so just in case we are that "dumb" they would play along by telling us exactly. Even if they still think you know what you did wrong, they should tell tell you.
I agree that it would be easier for the offended person to tell you to your face why what you said was socially inappropriate. But to do so is also socially inappropriate.



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30 Dec 2011, 2:14 am

SyphonFilter wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
SyphonFilter wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
nemorosa wrote:
I feel your pain. Many times I've received a variation on the line "You know very well what you did". Asking for clarification does no good as they just will not say what it is that you have done, and often seems to make them angrier. I find this particular reaction one of the most contrary, bizarre and upsetting facets of human behaviour I know. It is moments like these they I truly feel isolated in this world as such thinking is entirely alien to me.



I always think people are too lazy to tell you (general you) what you did wrong when you ask. Then they get pissed when you have no idea what you did. Even if they think you are faking it, they are still too lazy to tell you.
Nah, I don't think people don't tell you what you did wrong because they're lazy. People probably assume that most everyone naturally knows how to socially interact, knows what is and isn't appropriate in a given social context, and that if you say something offensive it's because you're wanting to be an ass. So when an autistic person asks for clarification on what was said inappropriately, the NT response is, "stop acting like a dumbs**t. You know what you said". It never occurs to them that for some people, interacting with others is a skill that needs to be taught.



But there are lot of stupid people in the world so why not give them the benefit of the doubt when they say something wrong and just tell them when they ask? Maybe the person is dumb. Not saying we are dumb but they would think we are for not knowing so just in case we are that "dumb" they would play along by telling us exactly. Even if they still think you know what you did wrong, they should tell tell you.
I agree that it would be easier for the offended person to tell you to your face why what you said was socially inappropriate. But to do so is also socially inappropriate.


Even if you ask?



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30 Dec 2011, 2:33 am

League_Girl wrote:
Even if you ask?


Yup.



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30 Dec 2011, 11:17 am

[/quote] I agree that it would be easier for the offended person to tell you to your face why what you said was socially inappropriate. But to do so is also socially inappropriate.[/quote]

LG, you're being logical, thereby proving you're an Aspie. NTs aren't logical, especially where emotions are concerned.


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30 Dec 2011, 2:06 pm

I do get very upset whenever NTs accuse me of offending them, yet refuse to tell me how I have offended them. They assume that I have intended to offend them intentionally, so I ought to know how I have offended them. (Confusing!) But... I once told an NT that she had offended me by using a certain phrase (that shall not be named) to describe me. Nowadays, she keeps using that certain phrase whenever she wants to agitate me. Maybe some NTs are afraid that if they tell you how you have offended them, you might use the offensive phrases/words to agitate them in the future.



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30 Dec 2011, 3:05 pm

Anyone else on here have gotten their question ignored rather than being told "You know what you did" or "Don't play stupid, you know what you did" etc? Instead you be told "never mind" and "forget about it" or "nothing" or everyone just acting like they didn't hear you?



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30 Dec 2011, 4:34 pm

League_Girl wrote:
Anyone else on here have gotten their question ignored rather than being told "You know what you did" or "Don't play stupid, you know what you did" etc? Instead you be told "never mind" and "forget about it" or "nothing" or everyone just acting like they didn't hear you?


Yup. Once again, they don't want to say it themselves, because it's embarrassing to them. The more tactful ones will use your list here instead of the "You know..." list,


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30 Dec 2011, 4:38 pm

League_Girl wrote:
Anyone else on here have gotten their question ignored rather than being told "You know what you did" or "Don't play stupid, you know what you did" etc? Instead you be told "never mind" and "forget about it" or "nothing" or everyone just acting like they didn't hear you?


Using "forget about it" means they don't want to think about it because it makes them too angry. I'll be honest and admit to having used those very same words, but only to bring a discussion to a halt otherwise I'd be having a meltdown. But I'll never leave the other party in the dark as to why.



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30 Dec 2011, 5:43 pm

Any Random Thing can be Offensive to an NT

Something Unoffensive to One NT could be Offensive to Another

When you Meet a New NT It is like Spinning a Wheel where a Paragraph of Random Stereotypes are Written on Each Spot of the Wheel

If Saying Nothing and Saying Something have an Equal Chance of Being Offensive, then Saying Nothing is More Logical because You Don'T Have To Do Anything


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30 Dec 2011, 7:17 pm

I prefer to not talk at all because I found out people get offended over anything. Luckily 99% of them don't say anything if you say the wrong thing. NTs insult each other all the time unintentionally. Other people just view them as an idiot and I have seen some women say at Babycenter there is no point in insulting them back because they be too stupid to know they are being insulted. So they just ignore the comments. They full well know people don't mean it but they still label them as stupid. I am sure people think we are stupid for not knowing. I am just labeled as innocent or naive but I am sure people think of me as stupid when they don't know me. If they know you have AS, I am sure they will easily blame it on that despite the fact an NT would say the same too. When people easily blame something on AS that anyone would say they'd consider rude, I just think they are scapegoating the person's condition. They can't give the same treatment out to NTs and aspies so they assume it was the autism that made them say it and not take offense to it but yet when an NT does the same error, oh no they don't care if they are rude, oh no they are an idiot since they weren't trying to offend. So yeah it it obvious they use autism as a scapegoat for comments ignoring the fact normal people say them too.

I do not see the difference between autistic people and NT people saying the same things that are "offensive" to some people when neither of them were trying to be offensive nor didn't know people be offended by it. They both look the same so blaming it on autism, they are just scapegoating it and it makes them ignorant. Give NTs the fricken same treatment then, geez, just assume it must be their autistic trait that did it if that thinking will help them out.

The worst thing that can happen is despite knowing you have it, people can still say you are using it as an excuse to say whatever you want.