Positive Bf has aspergers. How do I confront him lovingly?

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Thank you everyone for your replies, but I'm still torn as to whether I should confront him or stay quiet. I accept who he is no matter what, but I just feel that if it is Aspergers it will kind of justify his behavior towards me. If it's not aspergers then he's just being a F*&% LOL!! and I don't want to make excuses for his bad behavior if it's not Aspergers. I can't imagine he's just being an a** he's very sweet in his own shy eccentric way.

In the beginning I thought he was just being poilte with not rushing sex, but we are going on almost two years and maybe we are intimate every 6-8 weeks. Any other men i dated wanted sex every single time we were together.

So what would you do if you were me? Would you confront or shut-up?

I wouldn't do either. Confrontation seems so offensive.
Maybe counseling would help? Sexual counceling? Focus on the conflicts in your relationship, not if he is or isn't AS.
Is he open to an open sexual relationship?

Maybe just researching adaptive therapies and suggesting he try things could help. Do you think he'd be open to ideas? Brushing my hair and even my body with a hairbrush helps me calm down enough to get turned on.

I imagine I feel like your bf.
The best route to my partner getting me interested in sex is if he rubs down my whole body, starting small, with say, my pinkie finger and eventually deep pressure on my back. I need my body integrated before I can handle the intensity of my sexual arousal when touched by another person.

I'm a highly sensitive person, though.
and also an excellent sexter and will freeze up when in person. But fortunately society has trained men to be aggressive so I don't have to be. lulz.

I would say leave him, it is far too messy and complicated and he rejects you sexually regularly and often, which cannot be good for your self esteem no matter how you paint it....

Maybe he is asexual or just doesn't like to have sex much?

It seems really messy. While he's might be an Aspie it might not be the only thing going. If he has no idea it's very possible that he may be unaware of your needs. It's not far on you. I'd say write him a letter:
Pointing out the things you've noticed about him at seem AS related.
Point him to some resources for more information.
Point out some of the AS type things you like about him, that you don't think less of him.
Tell him about what you need from a relationship to be satisfied and the maybe
some ways of making things easier like scheduling sex for a while.
Tell him that you wouldn't have stuck around if you didn't like him, but you can't go on
this way.

Finally I'd leave him alone for a couple of weeks. I know finding out make my head spin a bit
but let him know exactly how long you'll be gone.

If he don't change after that you did everything you could. Leave

yeah, now that I read your OP again....

I'd take a serious break from the relationship. I like the idea of writing the letter.
If you find you love him and really want to be with him, you'll probably get back together. Doesn't seem like he's going to hook up with anyone else very soon.

Anyway, you are in your early 40s and you should get on with your life while you can.

(I am in a very ideal relationship right now....but I took a leap of faith and broke it off with someone prior who wasn't satisfying me to get to this. It's like night and day as far as how I feel about the relationship.)

Happy New Year everyone!!
Thanks for your recent posts, I want to give you a breakdown on how NYE went. We had tentative plans to have dinner with another couple but my bf doesn't like his friends gf he calls her.... Skankarella! She's 50 drinks too much and takes RX pills and he did not want to have to eat with her. This is his best friends gf, his best friend is 58.

So the plan was I come over for dinner he makes me a mojito that I've never had before and I spend the night. Earlier that morning he sent me a photo of him butt ass naked and very aroused. Being the sexual person I am, I was thrilled thinking YESSSSSSSS we are gonna have some fun tonight. He has sent pics in the past and nothing happened but a girl can hope LOL!

I get there at 730pm he's cooking up a storm, everything I love. We eat for about 10 min. small talk and he runs out with me still sitting there to walk the dog, he walked her right before I got there also.

We are on the couch watching 48 hrs with Eddie Murphy for the 4th time since I know him.

Some more conversation, we have a drink, by 10:30pm he's out cold at 11:30 he goes into the bathroom then into bedroom. At 11:45 he says what time is it? I say ball is dropping soon he comes back to couch with a wad of tobacco in his mouth. 12 midnight I get a peck on the lips, his dog got more affection.

12:15 he says, I'm exhausted lets go to bed. I wore a cute tank top and victorias secret little cheeky boy shorts to bed. he proceeded to call out to the dog so that she gets into bed with us, she's a 95lb Rotti. I tried to cuddle with him by having to physically take his arm and put it on me, we were semi spooning. 10 min later he pulled away and I fell asleep.

1:30am he jumps out of his sleep like being attacked by someone, tv is still on and most lights in the house. He goes into kitchen and I can hear him eating, he comes back into bedroom and I can feel him take the dog from the end of the bed and put her in between us

3:30am he gets up again, startled again and goes into kitchen. I go to bathroom then in to see what he's doing, he's on the couch eating and watching tv. I say what are you doing? He says very sarcastically "Eating a sandwich". I went back to bed, by this time I'm so tired. He comes back in and once again moved the dog between us. We both start petting her and laughing because she was all over me licking me.

Now the dog decides to get off the bed and he jumps up and says, to the dog... "where you going"? So I decide to take advantage of the opportunity and I cuddle against him and proceed to put my hand down south he's semi aroused and then he says to me... " We will fool around tomorrow morning"

8am he's out walking dog, I jump into the shower and get dressed. I'm sooooooo sad at this point and need to say something to him. He made fresh crepes, I was too sick and tired to eat. He went into the bathroom to put tobacco in his mouth after he ate.

9am I can't take the awkward silence anymore and I say " Why do you always reject me"? He says, " I didn't reject you it was 3:30 am and I was exhausted." I say, " I don't mean just last night it's 95 % of the time." He says' "Not true" then dead silence. I said, "Just last week i was here and you did the same thing when i asked you to put porn on, ( I don't watch porn but figured I'd try anything) and he says... " Last week! it was a Tuesday at 8:30pm I say, "People do have sex on Tuesdays at 8:30pm" He didn't like that remark.... he says' "I know people do." He then says..."You know sometimes you need to let me initiate, you do all the initiating you don't give me a chance. I say, "If I never initiate we will never do anything." then he says, "I don't understand why I never got that spark with you." WELL I ALMOST BURSTED OUT INTO TEARS BUT I CONTAINED MYSELF!! !! I say, " Are you kidding me after 20 months?" He says, "Do we really have to get into this now? Why are you being so dramatic? I say, because we are both here and i don't want to do this through text. He say's ok... and gets up and says i have to walk the dog. I had stuff to do and needed to get home so i get up and get my stuff to leave with him. I then say, " You do realize if you don't have any spark we have a real problem" He say's, " I didn't say I had no spark, i said it's mutual." I said" are you kidding, I've tried but you make it so hard for me." He say's "I know you have tried, I know." I say, well I need to know what's going on with us, he said nothing he just looked at me really sad and we got to my car, which he never walks me to, it just happened to be parked right outside his building. He gives me my usual peck and quick hug and proceeds to walk the dog.

I drove home in tears once again. I went into bed 2pm New years day and didn't get out until I had to get up for work the next day. But I did text him. i said.... I'm convinced that everything u said... tired, no spark.... letting you initiate are just more excuses, I believe that your just not the sexual person you led me to believe you were from day 1. he responds..... Not true I'm a very kinky guy. I text back.... your only kinky when we text. you had many chances to initiate and you never do. that remark about no spark was like getting punched in the stomach by you. He text back... That's not what I said. i then told him what I needed in a R'ship for the million time and he didn't respond well actually he did, something about his phone, he's great at changing the subject. I said... i hope we can work on this intimacy thing. He says Everything can be worked on. (very vague answer)

there's my story
Sorry it was so long but I wanted to let you know how the night went hour by hour

I need to send a letter... is an e-mail to impersonal? I don't think it is, since everything we do now a days is via e-mail.
I wrote something and I will share it with you, I would like everyone's honest opinion. get your red pens out!! ! Or maybe I shouldn't send it. I've held off sending the e-mail because I'm PMS and may regret it afterward. HELP!! !

His personality definitely sounds like he has AS .I am not really sure about his sexual difficulties as they relate to AS.Many people with AS struggle to get into relationships due to social awkwardness but I think many would be completely healthy otherwise.Perhaps his lack of experience is an issue for him,I am not sure ,maybe you could try and reassure him that he is performing very well to ease his anxiousness.His general personality isn't likely to change very much ,Aspies generally are not very romantic people .If you like his personality overall and can improve your sex life with him ,he may be a great partner for you ,if you understand his limitations.

I already posted here but I will try one more time. Break it off with him. I don't care what his issues are. Look at his actions, not what he says. He rejects you sexually regularly and often. This is bad for you. You don't need to write him a letter, you just need to get him out of your head and out of your life. Unless of course, somehow, he is fulfilling your needs with all this sexual drama and game playing and you are actually enjoying yourself tremendously. As in you are a masochist and he is a sadist, in that case you two are a match made in heaven. Harsh but that thought has occurred to me after reading all your posts....

Here are a couple quotes from Amy Alkon, who writes a very contemporary advice column, you keep wanting to be with this guy, who keeps wanting to put his big dog between you and him in bed. The two quotes do not exactly match your situation but close enough in my opinion, wake up and smell the coffee, he is humiliating you and you keep going back to him. There is no discussion to be had other than change the locks to your apartment if he has a key, no need to tell him, and move on!

But at the end of the day, it is your movie and if you want to keep hanging in there, have at it, but I would not.

[quote="PaintingDiva"] I already posted here but I will try one more time. Break it off with him. I don't care what his issues are. Look at his actions, not what he says. He rejects you sexually regularly and often. This is bad for you. You don't need to write him a letter, you just need to get him out of your head and out of your life. Unless of course, somehow, he is fulfilling your needs with all this sexual drama and game playing and you are actually enjoying yourself tremendously. As in you are a masochist and he is a sadist, in that case you two are a match made in heaven. Harsh but that thought has occurred to me after reading all your posts....[quote="PaintingDiva"]

I get what your saying and yes if I didn't think he was an Aspie, I would have already run. My question to you. Have you dated an Aspie? Just curious.

It possible that he has some serious issues with sexual contact that may or may not be able to be worked out. It sounds like being in sexual situations is very uncomfortable for him.

That or he is asexual.

If you think telling him you think he is an Aspergian and that is why he is so with holding in bed, then have at it. I do not think it will help the situation at all. Not one little bit. It might even make things worse.

I for one, could not stay with someone who plays head games about the sexual relationship, who is making the OP feel needy and crazy all at the same time.

Having a cozy little discussion of hey I think you are doing this because you are somewhere on the autistic spectrum, will most probably NOT change his attitude about sex and he will continue to play games with the OP and make the OP feel MORE needy and crazy.

It is not callous for a person to quit a relationship when the relationship makes them feel needy and crazy.

By the way OP, if you DO discuss Aspergers with him, I would NOT recommend having him visit Wrong Planet, where he can see all the stuff you have posted about him online....if he is as smart as you say he is, he will figure that one out. He might be pissed....