A disturbing trend

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Amen.

You betray yourself if you try to be something that you aren't and never can be.

I try to keep the good parts of Asperger's and suppress only the bad, like problems with concentration, motivation, etc. I would never, never ever want to be an NT.

I'm learning to socialize for the first time at age 56. I want to be UN-scapegoated and UN-isolated.

I'm trying to understand the topic of this thread and how it could apply to my life, and I'm coming up blank. I think it's just that some of us are far more disabled than others.

Back in the seventies there was a bestseller by some shrink called "Body Language." I read it to see what the fuss was about, thinking maybe it could help me, and I concluded that the author made it all up and there was no such thing.

I could no more pretend to be normal in human interactions than a person with no arms could pretend to play the violin. If I could, I damn sure would, but if I could fly, I'd do that too.

I agree, in my younger years I believed EVERYONE was faking it, so I thought it was ok to do, until I kept overloading and losing the plot, since I've been acting myself, I've met some wonderful people that enjoy the real me, they even enjoy the weird way I am with people, others simply are inspired by the way I am with music, or the way I think..

Tis true, are they really friends if they don't know you at all?

My friends are those whom I could be myself with from the very beginning, I don't see them very often, but when we do we simply have fun, share our problems, with no expectations or assumptions of each other. Granted I get lonely in the months on end I'm alone, but thats why I got into music in the first place, when no ones around theres always someone to share music with or to play with, when that doesn't work I simply play with myself (hehehe) maybe you'll find those that love what you're passionate about and you can become friends..

Meaning, don't let people tell you what a friend means, a friend is someone you relate to in whatever way you do.

Whoops

deja vu

Last edited by Scintillate on 14 Oct 2006, 11:24 am, edited 1 time in total.

True friendship takes time to develop. People form impressions VERY quickly but these can change as familiarity increases.

What I'm saying is... deep down you may be a conscientious, caring, poetic, loyal and clever person, but this can only be discovered with time. If someone is scared off by the excesses of your behaviour at an early stage, they'll never get to appreciate these finer points. Therefore, a degree of compromise is often necessary.

I agree that long-standing friends should know you well enough to cope with any faults and foibles, and if they are persistently intolerant then they aren't really friends at all. But it takes a long while to get to this level of trust and acceptance - it doesn't happen straight away.

I know if I met myself on a bad day, I'd think I was a pain in the ass.

To me it's just a matter of being a little better, I know I'll never look normal, no matter how much I learn about socializing, my act would never be perfect, so I'm trying to improve a little bit, just enough to stop hurting people with my lack of care for them, just enough to be able to express my opinions and emotions whenever I want to and stop looking like a weak loser when I walk, but not so much that would cause me headaches, stress or turn my life miserable.

I'm not lying and this isn't a facade, it just like learning a different language to express the same me.

I don't expect to get friends, I am well aware that I don't want them, I wouldn't stand them if I had them. There's already one "friend" who calls me almost daily to ask what I've been doing and I don't enjoy answering him, why would I want more people like that in my life?

I also get sick of it. I suspect the people writting the posts are miserable right now and completely failing at their normal facade. But, even still they are convinced that this is the right thing to do. Because it is the truth

And they know it. (By which I mean they believe they know it)


I try not to be too hard on people because they're depressed and make bad decisions. I'm not entirely out of that state of mind right now myself.

We have far more power than we may realize. Asperger's helps in some regards, but I think every human has great potential. (Ours probably leading in different directions)

It is not a dellusion to think that you can be better. It is not an impossible feet to improve. Maybe some of us are doomed to be miserable, but you can be less miserable. And I'm not convinced that anyone is.

So you can keep your bleak cynical world view. It probably isn't really wrong. But you don't have to let it stop you from having dreams, or trying. I've always had a soft spot for impossible struggles, including the ones where it was proved that it wasn't impossible after all.


So don't give up. It's not over yet.

Now thats a post, couldn't agree more..

It can never be in stasis!! !

I don't want to have a bleak view, and I don't like "faking". However, I do find it very frustrating when I am trying to build friendships and don't get a chance, or when there are people who I care about and, despite my best efforts, I end up offending them when I really don't want to. It hurts them and it hurts me too. So I try to moderate my AS traits but this does mean "faking" sometimes, and in serious cases I end up making things worse rather than better, because I cover things up for ages and then melt down when I can't cope.

That's the contradiction, isn't it? I want the world to be a better, nicer place, but how can it be nicer when people like me keep offending unsuspecting friends and spreading misery around? I don't see how I can demand tolerance from NTs when I'm so obviously disruptive, depressing, annoying, impatient and self-centered myself. It's a real kick in the teeth when I try my best and everything goes wrong, because I know how people will feel but I can't always stop myself. I know some Aspies don't have a great deal of empathy but unfortunately I'm not one of them... I have empathy, but it only kicks in retrospectively when it's too late. Boy do I feel guilty.

Amen

Somebody spoke on this forums a while back about how much damage we actually cause them when they get too close to us, some even need therapy to recover from the experience. That's what motivated me to try and change.

Last edited by fernando on 14 Oct 2006, 2:09 pm, edited 4 times in total.

Me too.

Wow, I understand socialable hermit, I only learnt to care about people AFTER I f****d everything up, and I don't think I could live with the guilt of constantly doing it in a cycle.

I've realised (at least for me) that simply being myself gives them ample warning that I'm different, and people don't come into my life expecting normal reactions, in fact I've been getting along and actually having fun with people since this decision, I don't think we have to spread misery, its simply certain paradoxical truths should not be shared as bluntly as we like to put them.

I won't simply stop speaking to people, I know I have a lot to give, and its fairly easy to relate to NT's on a variety of topics I'm interested in, I simply must be careful not to over-do it in sharing my analysis of the way mankind is, that tends to f**k people up.

That is really good. So people know who they are dealing with. I like that. You have just given me directions to what kind of person I wanna be with others.

I've got to try being myself a bit more so the AS doesn't come as a nasty surprise, whilst still retaining enough of an air of normality that I won't get sacked.

I find it hard to judge in mid-conversation. I think my desire to cover up and deflect attention has been with me since school days and is pretty much automatic now. But in the long run it'll be better to be more honest (and therefore more relaxed within myself) rather than getting panicky in every conversation and going through this whole denial - meltdown - denial process.

I do still think it's necessary to moderate one's excesses in order to get to know people, but I realise that I do this too much at the moment, and make trouble for myself.

Thanks - this has been a very useful discussion for me.

I think a lot of this thread involves people coming to different conclusions based on different life experiences. What works for one person will not necessarily work for another.

I keep being reminded of the rich people who tell the poor, "I did it, so you can too. Anybody could." A lot of rich people have worked very hard, but a lot of people work hard all their lives and get nowhere.

If you can get by in human society being your aspie self, by all means go to it. That's great; but for some of us, being our aspie selves produces a life sentence of solitary confinement.