Confused about personal identity

Post Reply New Topic

I've had identity issues my entire life. But instead of feeling a compelling need to "find myself," I've gradually figured out all the things I'm not, which is just about everything. For me, the world often seems like a stage and I'm a bit actor filling a few roles. I've done decent enough at it but it can be damn exhausting at times. My "job" is the biggest act that I do ... I don't even feel like there's an ounce of myself in it, but in a way, that makes it easier to do effectively. No cognitive dissonance so to speak. Just put on the costume, fill the role, recite my lines and go home at the end of the day. My role as a Dad and husband feels much less like an act but I know there are certain things that need to be done that are outside of my immediate interests. Not having any friends or much of my own agenda makes it easier to give my attention to the needs of my own family. But it can be tiring as well and there is a need to find outlets. The only place I really feel completely like myself is when I'm alone in the mountains. Ironically, that is a place where there is no role to fill and no people with whom to interact. Such times bring me back into balance.

This is where I'm at right now. Feeling like the village idiot. When I figured out I have AS, I started remembering all the moments in my life when I completely embarrassed myself, and even though I can explain why now, it makes me feel worse to know that people probably thought a lot worse of me than I realize. I also made decisions based on what I thought others would do because I didn't want to seem less outgoing. I was actually much more extraverted when I was in school. I wanted to be sociable and didn't have as hard of a time making friends, but fitting in with them and keeping them was where it got tough.

I think part of the reason I've had such a hard time figuring out my identity was because no one ever really allowed me to be myself when I was myself. My mother had this idea of the person she wanted me to be and made me get involved with all of this stuff I didn't like. When I started developing my own likes and personal interests, she would look heavily down upon them and me, and it severely lowered my self-esteem. People would say to me "why are you trying to act this way or that way?" when I felt that I was acting naturally. These people for one reason or another had a large influence in my life, so I assumed they must have been right.

It could be because I'm becoming comfortable with how naturally introverted I am (I was never "allowed" to be one as a kid. Whenever I would escape to my room and shut the door, my mother would force me to come out), but being a loner doesn't feel frustrating to me right now. The only annoying thing about it is that others don't understand it. I'm definitely independent enough to be on my own the majority of the time, and lately I'm liking it more and more than finding people to hang out with. I still go out and do things, but I just prefer to do them by myself now. I guess practicing being outgoing can reap rewards, but only when I have the energy to keep it up. For me, it's been more frustrating than anything. The hardest part is when I try do be outgoing around certain people and situations and that's the side of me they get used to, but when I get too exhausted from acting that way, I can sometimes go in to shut down mode. I'll wake up one morning think 'I just don't feel like engaging with anyone today, so I'm not going to', but then people automatically think that something is wrong with me. Like I'm upset or depressed or moody or have an attitude, when I really just want to be with my thoughts and not participate in artificial small talk.

I've gotten to the point now where I don't care how people view my introversion, because that's just me. I'll usually engage when I'm approached by someone, but I don't go out of my way to start conversations most of the time, unless I have to. I also have a job where I'm expected to "act" a certain way, so I try to put most of my energy into that for the sake of keeping employment.

In my mid it's almost like when I'm asked the question "Who are you?" the answer is "Who do you want me to be?" or "Who do YOU think I am?" There's so very little about me that I can't slip on and off like a mask that when I find something that resonates with me in some way I latch on to it.