Putting things behind you

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I am trying to practice the idea of teflon mind
Whenever I find myself stewing over some unfair event and getting all wound up a out it I vIsualise my mind is a nonstick Teflon saucePan and rather than keep cooking all the negative
Thoughts and emotions into a toxic stew I visualize tipping the contents down the drain they slide off the Teflon surface like melted butter. It works a treat the important thing is to recognize the negative effect on yourself when you keep stewing on the event and creating unnecessary turmoil in your brain. You can be the master Of your mind if you practice it enough

I can forgive but never forget. And a repeat offense by the offending party makes things exponentially worse.

And if you don't apologize or at least explain your side of it? You aren't gonna get forgiven.

I think if that guy were me, telling me that you didn't at the time know you were hurting me, and that you now see how it happened, would do a lot to calm me down. Of course nobody can guarantee absolutely that a thing won't happen again, and that's a hard universal truth that the "victim" probably needs to take on board......it's inevitable that when you're close to somebody, their very autonomy and fallibility as a separate human being is an inescapable risk. I think it's often easy for Aspie to overlook the effect of their own protests.......we seem to get so used to talking to a brick wall that we don't always see that some people really do care when we object to them hurting us...we assume it goes in one ear and out of the other at best, and at worst it just earns us contempt for being silly or over-sensitive. We often grow up cynical, and that cynicism ends up blocking us from fixing problems with people who really do care. It's often quite a profound surprise to me when I'm licking my wounds, to realise that the person who has hurt me also actually cares about me as well, and actually wants to make me happy. Once I've acknowledged that in my own head, I feel better.


Yes, even though the material might be getting revisited in a negative way, who else but closely-bonded people would bother to reminisce at all about the stuff they shared so long ago? I recall hearing my parents having conflicts about seemingly trivial past offenses, such as Dad reading cowboy books rather than giving his attention to Mum, and although that conversation looked pretty ominous for their relationship, the very fact that they were prepared to engage about such a petty issue showed that they were still very close, even though much of that closeness was being expressed in a negative way.


Once it's been agreed freely on both sides to bury the issue, I agree it's out of order to renege on that promise. I've often tried to do such an agreement but have sometimes misjudged the strength of my feelings and anxieties, and I've found myself sniping about it again later, usually when other matters have made me angry. More recently I've been able to simply say stuff like "I know we agreed to bury that one but I still can't get it out of my head....I'm sorry I can't seem to stick to the plan......can we talk some more about it?" There's a big difference between suddenly betraying such an agreement with an unexpected attack, and declaring my problem like a responsible adult. The biggest difficulty in doing that is when I'm still too afraid (and therefore angry) to talk constructively and respectfully to the (perceived) source of the trouble........that's the ideal time for a good counsellor, a really decent friend, or WP members to hear my story and help me to get it into perspective, so then I might be better equipped to go back to the close one and have that talk in a civilised manner. But it isn't always enough......I once counselled a friend whose gf had hurt him.....he'd already yelled at her for it and was still livid......after we'd talked for a while I said "OK, you've made your point well to her, you're largely right, she's had her punishment, she's obviously sorry and won't do it again, so why not put it behind you now, go back and focus on the good again?" He seemed to have got the point, but after that he just carried on as if I'd never spoken.


Yes, I don't suppose NT relationships are free of forgiveness problems......sometimes I think that the very idea of forgiveness is a rather unreal concept that owes more to religious thought than to human psychology.


Yes I think that relationships of any quality are so rare for many of us that the sense of hurt, anxiety and resentment can be strongly heightened. Perhaps we see partners more as obsessional special interests, and perfectionism comes into it too. That's good in some ways - it makes us want to work at the relationship and really enhance it, but when things are going wrong, the bad feelings can really devastate us and render our conciliation circuits useless. It's not so different to the early phase of NT relationships (falling in love), but I think Aspies tend to want to stay in love forever, like a perpetual honeymoon, while NTs often prefer this "no longer in love, but we have something deeper now." When we see anything like that happening to our relationship, we tend perhaps to think that the partner is getting bored. Some folks would say that we're foolishly trying to make up for our past loneliness, that nobody can do that for us, and that we will just burn out trying, but I've seen relationships like that continuing for well over a month, with a lot more good than harm getting done, and with the feel of sustainability, as long as both people are on the same page about such high expectations. The AS-AS couple sometimes may be able to empathise very well on this if they have both had lonely lives.

I can't tell what people mean by what they say, so my insecurities push me into assuming the worst.

Yes that can be pretty hard to deal with. But there's a big silver lining on that cloud - the guy must have been VERY interested in you, to get so narked when you happened not to reply within an hour. So it was a bad way for him to put it, but if you peer behind his insensitivity, he was saying that he really liked you. That is strong evidence that you are attractive. A similar thing happened to me some time ago....the lady was more diplomatic and light-hearted about it but there was always this insinuation that I wasn't giving her enough attention. I did feel rather guilty and trapped by it, but I liked her a lot too, so I just tried harder to give her more attention and tried to explain clearly why I sometimes couldn't get to talk to her as much as I wanted to. And I was happy because knowing that somebody could want me so much really touched my heart, because I'd been so lonely in the past.

I agree that with some people it will turn out to be futile if you give them the benefit of the doubt. I guess the problem is that a new person cannot be trusted, by definition, because you can't know them well enough at that point. Lovers are often quite new to each other, they often start sleeping together quite early in the relationship, yet they think they have a duty to trust each other 110% because it seems so unromantic to say otherwise. In truth, it can be years before we have seen enough of their behaviour to declare them a safe-ish bet. I suppose it's something to do with it being better to trust and be let down, than never to trust at all and let yourself down. Sometimes blind faith is all you have. Ultimately you find out who the repeat offenders are, and who really loves you.

If it works, that's a good way of seeing it.

Strangely, as I got older I began to forget and not forgive......I had a strange conversation over the Web with a lady once, in which she pissed me off a treat with some insensitive comments. I was angry, told her why, got some kind of apology, and I thought I'd moved on.....unfortunately I went and looked back at the transcript a few days later, and that made me more angry than I'd been in the first place.....I was amazed at how effectively my mind had shut down the painful memories....I wouldn't have been able to recall much at all without reading it, but when I did read it, I recognised every line. I began to think that I shouldn't let myself repress things like that.....it can come as an awful shock to a close friend if I seem to have forgiven them and then suddenly turn back the clock. I've known Aspies do that "time bomb" thing before.....people get upset about it because they don't know where they stand.


That's like me. These days I'm OK to run with a bit of risk.....sometimes people don't know why they did it, or they're too embarrassed or shaken to explain it properly......their response is immature and very awkward, but if the risk doesn't seem too great, I'll run with it......though I'll also be quietly taking control over that area, by working out in advance how I might respond if they do it again - it's a case of "if they can't protect me in that way, I'll protect myself."

I guess that must be at least part of the reason why I could never just be with anybody right off. I still do find the idea of dating pretty stupid in general. Why pay to have a short meal, or go see a movie and not talk at all? I've always felt more comfortable in as relaxed a setting as just being friends without too much structure or expectations. I guess it hasn't worked with those who don't share this philosophy, but I'd rather do this than burn a hole in my pocket for strangers.

I can forgive but not always forget, but sometimes I don't always forgive either, but can still be civil. But unfortunately I'm one of those unlucky people who come off worse whatever I do; if I forgive I will be taken for a mug and they will use me and/or upset me all over again, and if I retaliate or assert myself or tell or show how I feel they will just try to cause trouble for me, or even beat me up.

This has happened to me before. I got involved with a very insecure girl at college. She was very rough and immature for her age, and did have some learning difficulties that affected the way she socialised (but not in an Autistic way - Autistics are much more nicer and intelligent than this girl was). She made friends easily but was too much for them and frightened them off. And she made friends with other people with disabilities who were vulnerable so she could get them to do whatever she wanted. I was one example. She thought I was gullible enough to do everything she says, but I wasn't inside. I could tell on the first day of meeting her that she wasn't really the friend I wanted and I saw signals that this friendship wasn't going to work out properly, but because I didn't want to be alone, I stayed friends and met her up in town. It is quite typical of 17-year-old girls to want friends and not be lonely. To teenagers, friendships seem like the most important thing in the world, so it was for me aswell, Aspie or not. But after about a year she felt she couldn't get me to do everything she says, which got her mad, and she bullied me after that. She kept accusing me of things I didn't do, and screaming abuse down the phone at me, and threatening to beat me up and turn all my other friends against me and just cause as much trouble as she could for me. Part of me knew it was all mouth, but because I don't trust people, I thought that she might do awful things to me. This happened nearly 3 years ago now, and I haven't been friends with her since. When she sees me in the street, she says hello, and I decide to be civil and say hello back, but I don't want to get involved with her again. I just can't forgive her. She done a lot of damage to my self-esteem.

I have no issue putting things behind me, I am haunted by negative situations in my past, but I do not have sour feelings to the people involved in them though.

Well it's off topic, but it's my topic and this is interesing me.

Food and films are favourite dating material because they're tried and tested, you get a chance to do a little resource display with your wallet and treat her like a lady, if that's what floats your collective boat.......yes it is rather daft and unequal now that women so often have independent funding, but if you can spare the cash, all but the most bohemian of women will probably love it, and even an unreconstructed Marxist such as myself can get quite a buzz out of splashing the cash, as long as it's not going to break the bank.

But you don't need restaurants or films to partner up. They're only much good if you both like similar restaurants or films. Any shared interest will do. You could find yourself getting on well with a woman in an informal, relaxed group, and one of you (nearly always the bloke) might suggest that you do something together that involves some common interest you've discovered while talking to each other. It could be a bird sanctuary, a walk in the park, a trainspotting expedition, a lecture on cattle disease.....anything you both like. The main thing is that you go somewhere semi-private (totally private comes later, and is usually a sign that you've passed the preliminary and are seen as having serious partner potential). While in semi-privacy, you talk about yourselves and check each other out to find out if they seem to be what you're looking for. Couples often ditch the restaurants and the cinemas once they have moved on, if they were really just an excuse to get together. The main thing is that you find shared interests and pursue them together. Nobody will force you to do it via the standard route if you want to use your own methods.

Yes...it's sad that a lot of these isolated individuals are isolated for good reason......I hardly ever bother with joining in with groups who are already looking like they're together, because it's much simpler to hang out with the oddball types who are on their own. As a result, I've had to deal with partners who have turned out to have some pretty dark issues, and relationships have failed. Even Aspies aren't immune from character flaws......but when you do find another Aspie and you can see how their autism is keeping them from joining in with the herd, in terms of their traits and people misunderstanding them, well you still have to be careful, but you're already streets ahead of the herd, because you understand the Aspie's predicament and the herd doesn't, it just labels the Aspie as a jerk and walks off in disgust. And you get so much in common, with so many traits being the same. I think I can detect a cleanness in the decent Aspies, and it's a cleanness I haven't noticed in others. I feel like trusting them in a way I don't trust others. I'm still wary but that blunt honesty thing does a lot to allay my suspicions.


My second wife didn't screw up my self-confidence for long, but she did a lot of harm to our son in that respect by trying to replace me with a new man when our son was only 5 years old. I probably could never forgive her for what she did to me back then, but I absolutely can't forgive what she did to him, because if I did, then I feel I'd be letting him down. I don't like myself for feeling that way, but she just caused too much hurt and I'm only human. I'm polite with her, though never warm, and I feel colder than I let on. She always talked to me as if she'd never done a thing wrong, as if we should stay warm to each other. She left her new man - told me he was only a stepping stone while she was living with him - and he forgave her and remained her friend........how he could kiss somebody who had used him so cynically, I'll never know. I couldn't.

^ This.

I am glad I finally found the thread that relates to my problem.

One of the reason that has lead me to thinking that I have ASD, It was because of a bitter end to a best friendship and another good friendship. I do have most of the symptoms in Aspergers Syndrome and I going for an official diagnosis soon. I was told to be always "thinking too much" about what my friend does/say something. In my defence, I was not thinking too much but rather thinking why my friends actions and words are contradictory and asking myself if I am the weird one in the group. I treat them honestly and truthfully in all my actions and words, however it is not both ways.

Summary of the story is that my bestfriendship with her was purely platonic and we could share everything and talked. As we got closer, suddenly she started giving hot and cold attitude towards me, I asked if I did or said something that offended her, I wasnt told of anything except that I am "thinking too much" again. Until one day I began to back off or lay low in my communication in terms of " not replying instantly" like how I used to or replying a lot. She took it as me being too sensitive again and that it was all my fault, we lack understanding for each other, and said that we could not be friends anymore.
After she said that, I apologised because I thought maybe that slight ignore was too much but I do not think that it can lead to an instant end of friendship and despite that I was ignored until now.

Like what many Aspies says, we lack of ability to work on social skills has lead to us to become isolated in our own world and when I finally found someone comfortable to open up to, it is hard for me to let go. I am an adult now, and of course I have learnt how to make friends, but I am unable to be close to any friends until I met that "bestfriend" of mine. Many of my other friends told me that I am doing too much for that "bestfriend" and they could not understand why, they thought that I like her or something, the reason on my side was simple, one of the person in my life that I feel that I do not have to put on a facade in social situations/communications.

At the point of time, I am really puzzled, I do not understand what was the reason behind it. Until recently, Christmas and New year, I msg her wishes and she replied "Her bf is uncomfortable with her being friends with me and she'll keep it that way". That is when I finally realize that it wasn't entirely my fault however I told myself that if I have learn or read the social cues of why is she reacting in such ways and the friendship probably would not have ended.

Now the only thing which I can't let go is the thought of "Guilt" and she said that it was all my fault that lead to the end of the friendship. I could live with personality incompatibility or that I have done something hurtful to her family or something like that that lead to the end of a friendship but its the guilt that is still recurring in my head, I can't get rid of it.
Ever since the end of that friendship, I fear that I might go back to isolation and maintaining acquaintances in my life.
Anyone has any tips on how to remove or alleviate the "guilt" that I was forcefully given?

Yeah, I suppose. I just can't get behind the idea of simply starting off as "lovers". I can't get that close to someone else in such a short span of time, and there's only ever feelings as shallow as lust at first sight, of which I think would be a terrible foundation to build a relationship off of. Guess I just feel that getting to know people as friends in general comes much more naturally for me.

Then again, it seems the more I learn the more I feel abnormal; some have the idea that "pretending" to be a friend is manipulative. I feel the opposite in that all this flirting and dating is much more based on seducing others for your own personal gain. I don't think I'd be able to lie to others or myself about feelings I don't even have yet just to get laid, which would defeat the entire purpose of what I've set out to accomplish: a meaningful relationship.

But yeah, as you've said, this is quite off topic, so I guess I'll leave it alone for now.