No clue what to make of my diagnosis

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I don't know what the statistics are in UK, AU, NZ or where ever you're from but here in the US more than 50% of marriages end in divorce. Maybe I'm reading you wrong but it sounds you're looking for a reason for your impending divorce other than you just f'ed up like 50% of the rest of the world. Forget your therapists experiments, unless shes hot and you're banging her, and go get some marriage counseling instead.

Well that all drifts back to non AS subjects for elsewhere, but some of the issues at stake where discussed at my assessment and she was very quick to associate them with AS, although that was based on very little information really. But if they are then putting things in to an AS context might help get things moving in a more positive direction.

What I'm telling you is your priorities are screwed up. Your marriage is on the rocks and you're focused on someone who as you said knows little about AS. If you're going to focus on AS, instead of focusing directly on your marriage, at least go to somebody who knows AS. It's like taking your car to a mechanic who specializes in vacuum cleaners. I just can't get around why you would let someone experiment on your head and pay them for it. This is my last post on this subject. good luck.

This next bit of advice may be complete rubbish as I have never been in a relationship. However that has given me the opportunity to dispassionately study other people's marriages. I also have the experience from my parents' breakup.

It may pay to take a good look at your marriage. As Rascal77s says, 50% of marriages go down the tubes. I have also seen a lot of unhappy marriages where people have stayed together for far too long. Do you truly want the marriage to continue and do you believe you both will be happy staying married? Really think hard on this one.

If not then it may be better for all concerned to let it go. You mentioned that you said some sh***y things. Were they deliberate or were you genuinely surprised at your wife's reaction? If they were deliberate you may be headed down a very slippery slope where you could cause a lot of pain (don't ask me how I know). If you genuinely want the marriage to continue you will both have to work hard at it. Communication is the key and probably the hardest thing to do. Both you and your wife need to tell each other when something is wrong, before it gets out of hand.

I know there is the worry of 'what about the children?' but in my opinion that is not a good reason to try to force a marriage that has reached it's natural conclusion. As a kid I was very relieved when my parents finally separated. Having one parent was far better than having two parents and a lot of tension.

That is the down side of having a special interest. You often have very little interest in other less interesting things! I can spend all day working on a programming problem and not even notice. However it is a real effort to do my quarterly VAT (sales tax) returns.

Do you really enjoy the challenge of the IT problems? Do you find yourself missing meals or working late to sort out a challenging job? That sort of thing points to a special interest. Don't fall into the 'autistic savant' trap. Just because you may be on the autistic spectrum doesn't mean that you automatically become the best at what you do. However going by you may well be better than you feel you are. Your problem solving ability could well be due to the fact that many AS people have slightly different thought processes and so approach problems from a slightly different angle.



Go to one meeting. If you feel uncomfortable, drop it. Don't feel you are a fraud. In the past I had a similar response and wondered 'am I making it all up?'. My symptoms are more pronounced than yours but even so it took quite some time to come to terms with it. However after taking the various on-line tests, talking to a counselor and discussing it with my family I am fairly sure in my self diagnosis. Autism covers a very wide spectrum from people who are uncommunicative and unable to look after themselves in any way to people who are hardly affected at all. Would you feel a fraud if a friend catches a really heavy cold and you just have a mild sore throat?


Hmm, that is a tricky one. If you don't have access to an expert then a therapist who is interested in the subject and willing to learn is probably better than one who knows little about it. However there may be the danger of her trying to force some things about you into the AS mold even if they are not actually AS related. However if in the end she helps, does it actually matter what the root cause is?

You might want to re-read that. Your second sentence is pretty much the definition of a perfectionist...

After the initial shock I treated all of this as a voyage into self discovery. While looking into AS I have found out a lot of things about myself that surprised me. Some things were bad but many were good. Some of the bad things I can change and others I can't (or can't be bothered to change). It is an ongoing process but I definitely feel more comfortable with myself. My family has also mentioned that I seem more relaxed these days.

You've hit the sweet spot career-wise. I'm in a similar full time role as a "technical lead". I did the project lead role and my boss told me I did a fine job, however; it stressed me out so I haven't tried to do that role again. My boss assures me that if I want to lead a project again that the role will be available.

I also feel like I will be called out as incompetent or a fraud. I shouldn't though because it's not true and my boss and my customers still have a lot of respect for my technical knowledge. One thing that lessens that fear is when you know your boss respects your ability and also knows you will do your best to make him look good while not wanting to get his job.

RocketSurgeon how many friends do you have? How many of those friends would take you to a hospital if you broke your leg? How many of those who take you to the hospital would be willing to stay there until you either find someone to give you a ride home or get sent home by the doctor?

Well I don't have many, certainly not locally to me, but I guess about 6 or 7 people who would fit this bill.

Thinking is all I can do... It feels as if I have no idea what I want, which seems to be an Aspie thing as I perceive it. I am utterly terrified of the potential changes though, that's for sure, and maybe all my feelings derive from that. I don't know what to look at in the first place. Things have sucked for a long time, but I don't feel I have the capacity to really define why, and put my case forward. I've just spent the last few years apologising and admitting fault whenever possible to make the immediate issues go away, and have slid further and further down in this direction.



Well I think it's best that I don't go into any more details TBH. I do really really want to fix things, but appear to miss the point a lot from my wife's perspective. I really think my AS traits, and the wonderful way they manifest themselves have brought it on mostly, becoming meeker and more timid and scared of being told of. We slipped into a really negative parent / child scenario many years ago, and the more I refused to question my wife and accept all blame, the more the short term conclusions became fact to her. I've long lost any real ability to judge it myself.



VAT sucks. But I don't really think many other people have a better time with it. As an aside, I'm very heavily involved in that website and a certain similar website you may well have been failing to get round to using until the very end of this month and the technical problems I've been involved with directly relate to it. fun fun.



Yes, but as I said, not as much as the other people I'm working with who appear genuinely super professional and switched on. These guys are routinely not bothering to go home until midnight from the pressure of the job etc, so my contributions are really very slight compared to those, so I can't see any AS stuff in that. I'm new there though, still settling in, so am bearing that in mind. I never have any trouble tearing myself away from anything to get home to see my kids. (and TBH would expect to be severely admonished by my wife if I did)

I've long seen myself as different to other IT people around me, but that's just because they are idiots who can't even think so far as to use Google to look up an error message! Each step up the ladder i've taken, my peers get better and better.



That's a really good analogy! I'll certainly go, 4 weeks until it's on though. I do expect to feel pretty erm.. voyeuristic or something.


Hmm, that is a tricky one. If you don't have access to an expert then a therapist who is interested in the subject and willing to learn is probably better than one who knows little about it. However there may be the danger of her trying to force some things about you into the AS mold even if they are not actually AS related. However if in the end she helps, does it actually matter what the root cause is?



I know what the words can mean, but I don't feel I mean it in that way. I *REALLY* don't try hard enough IMHO. But then that's me thinking what others expect of me, and worrying about the gap I perceive I suppose. I'm the king of the panicked Alt+Tab when I feel bad that I'm not working when I should be and a colleague comes to talk to me. Generally, I expect other people would possibly do the same amount of work, but be confident about it.



Well I've certainly long felt very uncomfortable with myself. I acknowledge that I live my life under a veil of dissapointment and discomfort and fear. It'd be great if that would go away, but it's always always been there.

Thanks for the reply, so appreciated.