Do all people reject you (has this ever happened to you?)

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northbrbrain
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31 Jan 2012, 11:41 pm

Anke wrote:
northbrbrain wrote:
Anyway, I find that after talking to these people like once or twice, they shun me too! I


I'm wondering what 'shunning' means. There is a cultural model of 'friendship', depending on the cultural environment we move in. When you aim to make friends,, you expect people to act a certain way at a certain point in the relationship. For example you when you see them again after having had a chat with them last time you saw them, you might expect them to greet you in a certain way.

Some cultures would use a hug, others a handshake.

But here you are dealing with socially inexperienced people who might not have this software running.

Might you be interpreting the lack of 'adequate' response as 'shunning'?

Just a thought.


It probably isn't shunning in a technical sense, but they seem to (the next time i see them) prefer to interact with others rather than me. They actively avoid eye-contact and don't initiate conversation, yet seem quite comfortable to interact with others. It is possible, like you said, that the lack of 'software running' due to social inexperience could be partially responsible for it



kahlua
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01 Feb 2012, 5:25 am

I seem to give off vibes that turn people off. Despite being quite good at faking it, there is evidently still something there that people pick up on



Invader
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06 Feb 2012, 6:39 pm

GoldCoinLover wrote:
Radiofixr wrote:
Yes all the time-I have people turn away from me when I approach and people ignore me right to my face all the time.
yup.my own therapy kicked me out , no referral, nothing. Because I was honest about my anger towards them.instead of being forgiving, they lied to me straight up about why, then kicked me out . Then they said to me how good it was that I've always been so honest.right..fourth therapist I had to cope with losing


Ha, I've had that happen a couple of times too. They seem to hate having holes blown in their childish theories, and having their lack of a sufficient education pointed out to them.

They then go on to add malicious notes to a permanent file, which is passed on to any potential helpers in the future, who are then completely put off by the bitter lies of the previous "helpers", and refuse to offer any assistance. :roll:



Rhiannon0828
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07 Feb 2012, 4:02 pm

hanyo wrote:
I don't even talk to people first a lot in the mmorpg I play.


Good, I'm not the only one! I play LOTRO, and my husband can't understand why I refuse to join kinships and fellowships with other players. I don't even like responding to IM's. I just know it won't turn out well, and real-life rejection is bad enough--I'm not about to sign up for it in my online world too.

I'd really love to know what it is about me exactly that either makes people act as if I'm invisible or drives them off. I make an effort to be friendly and pleasant and polite, but it never seems to work for long. Sometimes it seems that people think I am boring and uptight--they always seem really surprised when I mention that I like or do something they think is cool. But I know that in most cases, if I show them the real me, they're just going to run.


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hanyo
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07 Feb 2012, 4:07 pm

I wouldn't want to join most clans in the mmorpg I play because a lot of them have stupid rules that I won't follow, like being in their clan chat when you are on the game or requiring you to attend events.

I've even been called a "bot" for not talking to people. That happened to me a few times recently. A bot is a computer program people use to play the game for them.



Rhiannon0828
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07 Feb 2012, 4:44 pm

hanyo wrote:
I wouldn't want to join most clans in the mmorpg I play because a lot of them have stupid rules that I won't follow, like being in their clan chat when you are on the game or requiring you to attend events.

I've even been called a "bot" for not talking to people. That happened to me a few times recently. A bot is a computer program people use to play the game for them.


"Doesn't play well with others" definetely applies to me! :lol:


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namaste
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08 Feb 2012, 4:13 am

Rhiannon0828 wrote:
hanyo wrote:
I don't even talk to people first a lot in the mmorpg I play.


Good, I'm not the only one! I play LOTRO, and my husband can't understand why I refuse to join kinships and fellowships with other players. I don't even like responding to IM's. I just know it won't turn out well, and real-life rejection is bad enough--I'm not about to sign up for it in my online world too.

I'd really love to know what it is about me exactly that either makes people act as if I'm invisible or drives them off. I make an effort to be friendly and pleasant and polite, but it never seems to work for long. Sometimes it seems that people think I am boring and uptight--they always seem really surprised when I mention that I like or do something they think is cool. But I know that in most cases, if I show them the real me, they're just going to run.

ya i remember reading for a girl online several times and through telephone
but when she saw the real me she disappeared.
since she saw someone with low confidence, low self esteem etc


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BunnyMum
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08 Feb 2012, 5:42 am

kahlua wrote:
I seem to give off vibes that turn people off. Despite being quite good at faking it, there is evidently still something there that people pick up on


Yes, I know exactly what you mean... I seem to do this too!! ! I don't know how to stop it happening, but I wish I did.

I joined an art class last year. The other students were friendly enough with me. I actually thought a few of them liked me. But at the end of term they had a Christmas party at one of the student's houses. I said I wanted to go and turned up to class with some party food to share. After class they all left in their cars to go to the party. I don't drive and they all knew this, so I was hoping someone would offer to give me a lift. But no one did and as the last person left to drive to the party and simply said "bye" to me I knew I wouldn't be going. So I was left sitting all alone in the empty classroom. I went home and cried...

This sort of thing happens so often to me. So yes, I try to be friendly the best I can being so quiet and shy and awkward... but I'm clearly giving out vibes for others to back off, even though I don't always want them to.



Keeno
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08 Feb 2012, 6:02 am

It's never been ALL people. I think it's just those with an opposite personality and values to me.



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08 Feb 2012, 6:40 am

Has it ever happened with you that you began to interact with someone (both IRL and on the net), you felt you can relate to the problems of the other person, felt a strong drive to help them with your supposedly more elaborate experience (mostly due to age, but not limited to it), and thought you can be honest and straightforward, just to make the other person feel judged and looked down and overall more miserable than before? Or simply misinterpreting the emotional needs of the other person? (e.g. you tried to cheer up or comfort a person the wrong way, making them angry) I'd imagine myself in place of the other person, how I would have appreciated such sharing of information openly (perhaps, it might be only me thinking it up), but usually it's not before I've screwed up that I'd discover I was a complete as*hole. Meeting the reality, how much I suck... :(

The above has a myriad of variants, the the most common thing about them is this pattern: I begin to form a relationship, reach some initial success, assume I can be more myself and drop some pretense, and eventually people come to dislike me and somehow I'm rejected or shunned (and most often than not they'd leave the odium of breaking up the relationship to me).


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Mayel
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08 Feb 2012, 12:51 pm

OJani wrote:
The above has a myriad of variants, the the most common thing about them is this pattern: I begin to form a relationship, reach some initial success, assume I can be more myself and drop some pretense, and eventually people come to dislike me and somehow I'm rejected or shunned (and most often than not they'd leave the odium of breaking up the relationship to me).

This happens quite often to me. Sometimes I even don't reach "success" at all,...just a good first impression and yes, after somehow feeling accepted I think I can be more like myself but as soon as this happens, people reject me.
It's difficult to find people who are tolerant and open enough, socially skilled, to tolerate and accept someone who's got a different "aura" than most or who interacts differently.



bigcoop
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09 Feb 2012, 1:05 am

I wouldn't take offense, they are probably really insecure with themselves. I think a few people like this have distanced themselves because they misread me or wonder about my intentions. I think many of us often do this. I was studying with a couple of classmates the other day and this girl asked "Do you think he will give us a review before the test?" and I said "He soooo isn't," another guy repeated "He soooo isn't," I apologized thinking he was making fun of me for the way I said it and he told me he was agreeing with me so I felt bad haha. I'm sure you're a great person with wonderful intentions, I wouldn't sweat it. There are many people out there, including myself who are often too insecure to look at it from a friendly angle some time. (I know I often take people wayyyy too literally. It's just something THEY will need to make adjustments on, because it is out of your control. I can totally relate to your posts btw b/c before my diagnosis I would rather try to hang out with the "popular" kids when I didn't realize how many great people outside of that realm there were.



js3521
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09 Feb 2012, 2:48 am

I am experiencing the brunt of this now. Knowing how it feels to be ostracized from all friends more than once in my life, I genuinely hope that all of the readers' future social endeavors are to last.



northbrbrain
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12 Feb 2012, 9:36 pm

Thank you all for the replies; it is a comfort to know i'm not the only one who feels i have a bad 'vibe' and that social situations start out well for the first few minutes (1st impressions) only to deteriorate over time due to letting my guard down :(



northbrbrain
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12 Feb 2012, 9:47 pm

Mayel wrote:
OJani wrote:
The above has a myriad of variants, the the most common thing about them is this pattern: I begin to form a relationship, reach some initial success, assume I can be more myself and drop some pretense, and eventually people come to dislike me and somehow I'm rejected or shunned (and most often than not they'd leave the odium of breaking up the relationship to me).

This happens quite often to me. Sometimes I even don't reach "success" at all,...just a good first impression and yes, after somehow feeling accepted I think I can be more like myself but as soon as this happens, people reject me.
It's difficult to find people who are tolerant and open enough, socially skilled, to tolerate and accept someone who's got a different "aura" than most or who interacts differently.


I can relate to this- it is the aura or vibe that is off, even after learning a few rote social skills. There are people that I know who are also on the spectrum but seem more 'obvious'- they are accepted more. Social skills (manually and mechanically learned) can be a curse in a way, especially if you feel your aura or vibe is still off. People just don't know what to make of me(i fear) and perhaps i come across as a weird NT with a bad personality or character defect or something



lease29
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06 May 2012, 12:43 am

This is what happens to me and is a common thing when I have tried to make friends and meeting new people. I believe it is me not using correct non-verbal communication. My body language is off and my social skills are not good either. People cannot read me. People end up disliking me and I don't hear from them again if I have managed to meet up with them a few times so no long lasting relationships at the moment. The contact is very shortlived.