Has a bully ever told you they were teaching you a lesson?

Post Reply New Topic

I was told the same too. I was told they were just teasing me and they do that to everybody. Maybe I did misinterpret their intentions. I am sure I did mistake some innocent children as bullies. But I forgot myself I was a teaser and would I like to be seen as the bad guy? But it never occurred to me then. I thought what I did was different and what they did was mean. But it never occurred to me that my teasing may be seen as mean by other kids just like I see with other kids when they tease me. I guess it would take TOM for me to realize that which I lacked then. But I wonder if that lack of TOM is normal for all kids?

Maybe they did. I just can't remember specific instances in which this was said. Whether they said this or not, I find it distasteful that bullies act like self proclaimed social police. And that they are recognised as some sort of social police, even sometimes among well meaning people. That is deeply sad.

I'm not quite sure what TOM means, so I am unable to reply to your post as in depth as I would like.

However, I feel there may have been times when I have misinterpreted things for bullying. Not many, but a few. The main example that comes to mind is that there were a few guys who told me they liked me (in a romantic sense) in high school, but I basically told them all to stick it. At the time I had non-existant self esteem and I was a bit overweight (still am, actually) and were convinced that they were saying it as a joke.

The primary school I went to was in a very bad neighbourhood and there was an insanely huge culture of bullying. Basically if you weren't a bully, you weren't "cool", and were liable to be bullied physically and emotionally. For a period, I tried to be a bully myself, to try and get people to lay off me and to gain myself a status other than "loser/nerd/little miss quiet". However, I knew I was being mean. Meanness was something I learned about at home.

Many times, bullies are upholding the status quo, but that says a lot about the status quo. I didn't realize this until I was older and looking back on it, but when you consider that social police uphold social peace, and that being social is itself a big crapshoot, it's not much of a stretch to suggest that the bully is saying what many other people simply don't have the guts to say (because most of those people have no guts anyway) Also, I've noticed that in situations like this, there are a handful of people who probably want to intervene, but don't want to jeopardize their own perceived social standing. I think with this anti-bully campaign thing going on, these people are more likely to speak up since they can use that as a security blanket in case things don't work out for them.

I'm mainly speaking about school here, because if you took what I said and applied it to a party of random people, it wouldn't apply. School is like a small town where everyone knows everyone and news spreads fast.

Bullies are idiots. They assume they know someone based on what the person looks like but often times they just say stuff like that to put the blame on you. The bully wasn't teaching you a lesson.

Lol, yeah its a "Know your place - me hammer, you nail".

If I'd had the ability to draft a good lesson plan for them back at that age I would have. Sadly I was in the wrong place, my parents tried getting me into martial arts and things like that but it never worked because it was always jokey schools or styles which was really all we had available at the time. Had I actually learned to defend myself it could have been very different.

Yes. Once I called one of my friends a c*** over text because I was hurt and angry that they were leaving me out of their group and doing things without me, so I couldn't help but put that. Then I had to face the consequences. They started phoning me up yelling, ''WHY DID YOU CALL HER A C***?! !!'' and so on, and I said it was because I felt hurt and upset because I wasn't included any more and I was trying to ask why (I was only a teenager back then, and you know how important it is for teenage girls to have to have friends, it can even happen to teenage Aspie girls). Plus this girl who I called a c*** was on the spectrum too like me, but she was included and she knew them just as much as I did, and I started taking it really personally. Then these girls started bullying me (not the Aspie, but she let them because she was unsure how to stop them, I'm not mad at her for it because it is hard), and they started calling me c*** on texts. I wasn't that offended though, since I knew they were just doing it because I had done it to them. But they didn't need to bully me like that for it - plus I had apologized to the Aspie for calling her a c*** just before they started bullying, and she happily accepted my apology. She should have really come away from them and been good friends with me, I know it's hard for a socially awkward person to let go of their only friends because of the fear of being alone, but she wouldn't have been alone because she would of had me, and she knew how trusting I was and she understood how socially awkward I am because she had the same condition and we shared the same anxieties, but she still didn't.

I've tried to bully other people too and it just be random kids. I had nothing against them nor disliked them but would pretend I did. I did it to fit in and to get other kids to like me and think I was cool, then I be confused when other kids didn't seem to like it because they get mad at me. Why was it okay for others to bully me but not okay for me to bully them? These weren't the same kids who bullied me I was bullying. I just didn't understand why it wasn't okay for others to bully me but I couldn't bully others myself? I am sure those kids would have gotten mad at those other kids for their bullying and I just didn't know that. I found out as an adult the reason why it didn't work for me was because there is a social rule about bullying and you have to do it right to fit in and to be accepted. I just did it wrong. basically there is a social rule out there that you must bully other people for some reason and it's their fault. Now people are trying to change that social rule because they are finally realizing what damage it does to kids. I also think half of the kids who bully are bully victims themselves so it's a pecking order so that's why I think bullying doesn't always make someone a sociopath. Plus what about bullying your bullies back or bullying people who are bad because they like to bully? Then it was always confusing when grown ups always made it out to be your fault because they were "defending themselves" or "you provoked them." I realize now that if they haven't done anything to you in a while, you should just leave them alone. If they have not done anything to you yet that day, just leave them alone so that way you won't be the bad guy if they do something bad to you because then you were just defending yourself because they started it first. I swear bullies seem to have their own thinking process and different brain wiring because their point of views seemed to be warped. If they like picking on people, one day they are just minding their own business not doing anything wrong and then all of a sudden, one of their victims comes and starts harassing them. They tell their victim to leave them alone so they don't so they end up defending themselves and they never seem to realize they are being bullied because they bully them so they are the bad guy so that is why their victim is picking on them because they are bad and if they want respect, they must not bully anyone ever again and they will be left alone. Nope, they don't seem to think that way. Then the victim gets told it was their fault for what happened because the bully was just minding their own business and not doing anything to them.

Sometimes I wonder if I was bullied for my own behavior like teasing others and it never occurred to me that was why I was being picked on, especially by kids who I have never done anything wrong to. That just shows how bullying people doesn't really teach them anything. All it does is makes them think of themselves as the victim and that you are a mean person because they are oblivious.

EDIT:
I just remembered that some of them that would get mad at me for my bullying, some of them were the ones who make fun of me for not being able to do certain tricks on the bars. So when I finally could, I started to laugh at other kids who couldn't do them and then kids who used to make fun of me about it get mad at me about it and tell me I used to not be able to do that. I have noticed lot of bullies are hypocrites.

Yeah, often enough.

Sad fact is, until we change society-- probably until we change human nature-- they ARE teaching you a lesson.

That difference equals deficit.

That you will learn to hide your differences, or you can expect to be mistreated, with little recourse, because you are **seen as** deficient, whether you objectively are or not.

Because, outside of hard science, there is no objective reality. Outside of hard science, perception is reality.

It's not the way it SHOULD be. It's not the best way for it to be. I think the human race loses a great deal by that attitude, and could benefit a great deal (benefit for everyone, not just for those who are more different than others) by learning a new way.

But it's THE WAY IT IS.

I used to believe in changing it. I got tired.

Yeah, often enough.

Sad fact is, until we change society-- probably until we change human nature-- they ARE teaching you a lesson.

That difference equals deficit.

That you will learn to hide your differences, or you can expect to be mistreated, with little recourse, because you are **seen as** deficient, whether you objectively are or not.

Because, outside of hard science, there is no objective reality. Outside of hard science, perception is reality.

It's not the way it SHOULD be. It's not the best way for it to be. I think the human race loses a great deal by that attitude, and could benefit a great deal (benefit for everyone, not just for those who are more different than others) by learning a new way.

But it's THE WAY IT IS.

I used to believe in changing it. I got tired.

Mostly got this from parents. But also Stepfather (who WAS a control freak/bully)and even one of my bus drivers (oddly, kids on bus took my side & we insulted her to her face.). A couple of teachers. A couple of PE coaches ( I used to get Ex drill seargents, just my luck! LOL).
And even a Co-worker. Nonsense of course.

Sincerely,
Matthew

A bully from awhile back claimed that he was teaching me a lesson, but it was the exact opposite. I ended up teaching him a lesson.

I guess I was tall for my age...

Bullies said things to me like "you should act normal" and "don't be so weird". I eventually started asking them to define weird so that I could understand and know where to correct my errors. This was usually met with stunned silence. Occasionally, someone would actually manage to come up with some example of how I was being "weird". I quickly countered with "and why is that weird?" This was almost always the end of the conversation.

Both "I'm teaching you a lesson" and "its for your own good".

The most extreme of the cases was within the past year, when I was told it was for my own good that he was actively ruining my self esteem as much as he could.

Every time. The only lesson I learned was that pain hurts.

I had thirteen of them tell me that in the seventh grade. The result was that I slopped the pound out of them one at a time. Two of them had broken noses and one who was bigger than I was had a shattered kneecap. A couple had some bruised ribs. Never had a problem after that. I think they figured out that my giving them the first swing was a bad idea. The most damage I ever got out of one of those fights was damaged knuckle. The only disturbing thing for me throughout the whole year was that I discovered that I enjoyed it.