How much to adapt to NTs?

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I may be wrong about this, but it seems to me that NTs might have an easier life if they adapted more to us.

I'm not sure about how his works in practice. I see two aspects to my sense of self vis-a-vis other people.

Firstly, there is the sense of recognition and self that comes from feeling a valid part of a group/society. For me, a diagnosis of aspergers facilitates this because the medical professional administering the diagnosis stands in a position as a representitive of the wider society, the state, of authority. For this figure to have a name for me ('aspergers') means that I feel recognised - different but nonetheless recognised, and therefore valid. Feeling such recognition gives me a self-assurance, psychologically, when out there interacting with the other people of the world.

Secondly, when I am actually out there 'in the field', so to speak, there is how people actually react to me. This is where I'm not sure how the sense of self functions in practice with other people. But the fact that I have already been recognised by the authority figure and view other people as basically equally subject to the decrees of such an authority (extrapolated more broadly), I am less dependent, for my feelings of self-worth and feelings of belonging, on actual individuals responding to me in a particular way. As I say, I am not sure how this plays out in practice but I already feel more confident about engaging in particular social interactions, knowing that I am not wholly reliant on the reaction of particular individuals for my sense of confidence in the way that I behave and express myself in their company.

I think everybody is subject to this social validation, and it perhaps the ones who somehow have confidence in their own skin, so to speak, that not only feel generally okay about social situations, but that are viewed by others as self-confident and valid because that is what they feel and project. I notice that there are people who are somewhat exceptional in their behaviour and rather individual in the things they say and do, and are somehow recognised and validated by others because of this rather than despite it. This is an interesting topic and of day-to-day importance for everyone who wants to feel good about themselves both within themselves and in the company of others.

I wouldn't want to view adaption as faking. To me it's all about making myself understood rather than misconstrued. I try to also see it as if I were stranded in a foreign country and had to find out how to communicate with the natives. Adapting to their lingo might seem phoney at first, but the motive should usually be to exchange the truth, to shine lights on things and try to understand each other.

Though NTs do have this "socially-acceptable lying" thing, so if you decide to join in with that, you will be faking just like they do.........but I think the saving grace is that NT's don't really expect to be believed when they say (e.g.) "I'd love to do that with you some other time.".......they're just breaking it gently that they don't want to play with the other person,. and the other person (if NT-savvy) knows that it's just NT-speak for "leave me alone." There's no attempt to deceive, they're just not talking literally.

There's also this "discretion" thing that NTs do.......I largely approve of that, refraining from saying things that are likely to hurt more than they help, waiting for a good time to break bad news, taking care not to blurt out contrary ideas when it will only make the other person feel invalidated. It's hard to stick to it.......I seem to have a deep-rooted idea that if something seems true to me, then I have a perfect right to say it to anybody at any time. How reckless is that? We are not data-transfer machines. We have feelings about what people tell us, and if we want to get on, we need to treat each other as emotional beings who respond not just logically but emotionally to words.

I think some of the high-functioning NT socialites really do BS people though, exaggerating concern and warmth towards people they barely know, cranking out empty feelgood statements, laying on the flattery with a trowel....they're all about presentation and you never really get to know the real person under the social gloss. Personally I wouldn't want to join in with that, but I don't think most NTs really buy into it either. I know a lot of people will fake a bit of approval for practically anybody.........I guess they might not expect to be believed, and that an NT-savvy person would ignore their gloss, but personally I can't do such glossing, I'll often refrain from voicing my disagreement or disapproval, especially if the matter is trivial, but I hate to actively volunteer that I agree or approve of something I don't......so I may just go quiet, or change the subject.....if they ask me how I feel, I guess I'd usually tell them. It's surprising how people don't seem to notice when I'm hiding my disapproval. I don't seem to need to crank out approval to convince them I'm on side. They just seem to assume it.

With eye contact, the only faking is that you are in a sense pretending to be au fait with something that is actually a new experiment in adjustment, but in my case I'd have no problem admitting that to them if they were interested......I dont want people to think I have no impairments.

I don't want to pretend to be NT becauuse I could never keep up the pretense, and then I'd fail, get all stressed out, and disappoint people. I might be able to pass off as "normal" for brief and "closed-ended" exchanges where I wouldn't expect to meet the person again, but if I'm looking for friends, I need to keep my "act" sustainable, which means that it has to be pretty genuine.

The eye contact method I try to use is from "Manwatching" by Desmond Morris, which he described as the typical way that mainstream Homo sapiens has a conversation:
When I speak, I try to glance at the listener's eyes as I begin, then I look away while talking, only meeting their gaze occasionally (I think this is supposed to be to check the listener's face for signs of not following, discomfort or boredom), then at the end of my talking (which should be no more than a sentence or two), I try to look at the listener again, to signal it's his turn to speak, and then I will look at his eyes almost constantly, perhaps glancing or closing my eyes away briefly to focus on the words, but mostly looking at them, and nodding slightly or letting them see the expression n my face in the hope that they can dynamically adjust their words according to how I seem to be responding. I'm not at all good at this method, but that's the kind of thing I'm aiming for when I'm feeling like pushing the envelope and trying to fit in.

Yeah, I'd say the same about me. Although I do try not to talk to much, even if it makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. But I generally agree with you.


Main reason for my slightly neurotic behaviour. I wish people didn't care about what they think I want them to think.


You mean if they stopped caring about society's expectations of them. Well, Asperger's seems to disable us from doing what is expected of us most of the time, so... it would be good for both sides. Ideally, people should be comfortable in life. That would be a good thing.

I tend not to bother with fitting in, though i use pseudo,eye contact when needed, this is done by looking just below eyes or at the nose..

I could care less, to be completely honest.

My point exactly.

I think about this a lot.

I have to do some adapting even as an NT.

I sometimes wear sunglasses in the store. I know it's weird, I don't care.

Hmm...I have no real issues with putting on the dog and pony show when it's necessary. I'm unemployed right now but I'm getting my degree and do plan on finding employment long before that. I also plan on being successful in my career and since I'm not a mega genius who will get by on brilliance alone I have to adopt a facade.

I say take it by step by step, I "adapted" way too much in the past and I really wasn't adapting at all because I eventually burned out from being someone completely different from myself.

It's a balance of self-expression as well of a means on reducing anxiety, I think many people like to say fck the world and express themselves as honestly as possible all the time, even NTs.

This is liberating but unless you're incredibly talented or a lot smarter than most people and possess a specific skill that they don't have you have to compete, to some extent, which involves adapting.

OTOH I never go so far as to do things that make me uncomfortable and aren't absolutely necessary now because if the anxiety it's caused me. That doesn't mean I'll never socialize but I absolutely won't deal with people who make life difficult(outside of school and employer).

Yep. I had this kind of reaction from my family growing up and still get it from some people as an adult.

I used to get all stammery and try to apologize but now I just kind of look at them in silence.

LOL it sounds rude but I want them to think for a minute. If they can't take some kind of responsibility for their reaction or have some ownership of their own emotional state I shouldn't have to deal with them.

I only apologize when I can tell it's necessary. I can usually gauge when it is.