I think that I do have a certain sense of self, which is particularly difficult to articulate, destructive, ambiguous, etc. I feel more like myself when I follow more of the impulses that are natural to me as opposed to the ones that are mindful of others, such as on days when I wear a sweatshirt and don't talk to anyone, and wander around aimlessly. When I'm depressed, I lose my motivation to be social and become super-introverted, and though this is isolating and destructive it's more natural and comfortable to me in many ways.
If I tried to bring more of it into my personality though, I think I'd become more irrational and less mindful of others. I do things I don't feel like for practical purposes, and I'm often thankful that I do. I think the sense of 'true self' I have is in some ways just a ghosty assemblage and projection generated from all the things I do but don't really like to do, all the things I internalize and don't have opportunities to express or communicate properly. I suspect it's impossible to attain a sense of self that it wholly satisfying anyways though.
12 Mar 2012, 11:57 pm
