Why do bullies have so many friends?

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Last edited by Sweetleaf on 18 Mar 2012, 2:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

The issue is blaming someone for being bullied......with the assumption they must have done something to provoke and thus justify the bullying. I ran into a lot of that from teachers in elementary school, it was always my fault the other kids were nasty to me, of course I believed it and internalized it still have issues related to that. Also why don't the bullies get held to the same standards shouldn't they be punished for bullying rather then handling their problems with someone in a civil way? Its funny I never remember a teacher having a talk with me to explain how i was behaving in a way that bothered or upset anyone else.......but I sure as hell got in trouble if I was unable to suppress my reactions to the bullying.

thing is its not those who get bullied who are always in the wrong, and having it dismissed as such is quite hurtful to people who do suffer it and only encourages further bullying...at least thats how I'd describe it.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 18 Mar 2012, 2:33 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You mean the great many people that are all nice and sweet to them, then drop them the moment their "friend" can't hide their massive problems anymore that made them act like big powerful bullies?

I remember my first bully, 5th and 6th-grade class-leader of all 10-12yo boys and girls - when she had finally ended up in a ward for trying to kill herself and whining about how her parents are abusive and the world's oh-so-cruel-and-mean a good 3 1/2 years later, no one knew her anymore.

That might be an extreme example but I found it rather representative because it showed that the social strength/status and popularity of bullies is inconsistent and fickle.

I have had teachers who knew that I was being bullied by the whole class and that I had low self esteem and they made fun of me infront of the class and I have never had a teacher who gave a monkeys about me being bullied.

To them I *was* a friend. I doubt I saw it like that at the time. So, every tease was bullying to me. Even though in retrospect it was all relatively harmless.

I was genuinely bullied a lot in secondary school.

Jason.

I would think that might apply to some of those who bullied me too... except for the fact that they knew it made me cry and (eventually) flip out. (They would then pick on me because of the crying and anger. Oh joy.)

Even if it was kids in my neighborhood that my parents encouraged me to play with, they'd love to exclude me very openly. Like, "Man, we're all so great... except you, Katie. You stink." Or they'd make me "it" in games like tag, just so they could run away from me. I'd usually just give up and go home.

I'm in the same boat as Sweetleaf. I would get blamed for problems and I was constantly in trouble, even though I was never the instigator. I, too, started to believe that I was a bad kid, that I was stupid, not worthy of friends, etc. Meanwhile, I never saw the bullies responsible get into any trouble. But I still know damn well that it's not my fault I'm different. Even if I was sensitive, how does that make it okay to pick on me? If I'm having trouble understanding others in the first place, being hostile to one another is not going to help me understand them better. It's like when parents tell a kid to just "toughen up" or "suck it up"... sometimes that's impossible (whether it be due to inherent brain wiring, emotional maturity, or other factors that can't be helped.)

The people that bullied me weren't my friends that were playfully teasing. They all hated me.

I remember once in grade school there was a new kid that actually talked to me and treated me like a person, that is until the other kids told them not to talk to me because I'm weird.

I even had a school counselor tell me that it was my fault people treated me the way I did because of the way I acted. They did not offer any helpful advice and just made me feel worse about myself. I don't know what I did wrong, the things I did "wrong" may have been basic parts of my personality that didn't change, and anyways it seemed like the kids were mean to me and hated me no matter what I did.

People are drawn to respect power.......... in the hope they will not get on the wrong side of powerful people.

Exactly! I also had a couple people that first started talking to me, but that the other kids convinced to stay away from me. My first friend (who I'm still friends with today) was a person who just accepted everyone the way they were. She had a weird sense of humor, but she was very smart and got along with seemingly everyone. I was both jealous of her and grateful to her for the longest time.



Isn't it great when the adults side with the bullies? Okay, I get it, you say I act different. Mind actually explaining what I'm doing wrong so I can, you know, change it? And don't just tell me some broad excuse like, "You have an attitude" or "You talk too much." I don't know what "an attitude" is. I don't hear myself as talking any differently from how anyone else talks. If I'm talking too much, how about helping me determine at what point I should stop talking? If the kid doesn't automatically pick up on these social cues, what in the world makes you think just stating the problem will fix it? The kid's aware these are the issues. They just don't know how to fix them. Pssst! This is the point where you, the counselor, is supposed to step in and help the child!

Haha! That is so true!

I remember being in third grade and this girl in my class gave me a sign that said 'Kick me' and it had tape on it. She told me to put it on Nick's chair with the words facing down the the tape facing up so that when he sits down it would stick to his butt. Luckily my logical thinking got in the way because I could not understand why she was asking me to do it when she could do it herself. Plus I also thought "Isn't it mean?" because why would I have other kids kick him. I remember someone telling me online that was not bullying and that is normal kid behavior, they do it to each other and are playing. Okay it is possible she was playing and she was trying to play a practical joke on him and she wanted me involved but she didn't want the kid to actually get hurt. She thought it be hilarious if he sat down and he had a sign on there and kids see it and find it funny but none of them kick him. Was it still mean? Yeah but she maybe wasn't trying to be mean and she was just being playful. Luckily I didn't really pick up on it then so I wasn't upset about it. I was just confused about it because i thought it was strange and it didn't make sense. Why did she want me to put that sign on the chair for her? Why she did want other kids to kick him? Why did she want him to get hurt? Then when I was older, I thought oh she was being mean to me, she was trying to take advantage of me because I was so naive back then so she was trying to have me take the blame. That is what bullies do, duh. They will use someone who is very naive or gullible or clueless in social situations to get them to do mean things for them without them understanding what they are doing. So that way they will get into trouble and not them if they get caught. Then to be told as an adult "Oh that is normal teasing, not bullying." Okay maybe it was bullying or maybe it was just innocent behavior. I will never know.

I also remember when I was six, these older kids liked chasing me on their bikes and it scared me but mom told me they do that to other kids too.

Yet, if I decided to be nasty to people, nobody would ever like me, not even other horrible people.

Life's weird, isn't it?

Well, sometimes I wonder if those "friends" are actually scared of the bully too, and for that reason befriend that bully, so they don't end up bullied themselves. Perhaps it's a silly theory, but I still wonder.

That makes sense to me.

I had an aspie friend who was mild enough to pick up on the cues and know the social rules of bullying. So he started to bully and bullies became his friend and treated him with respect. But when I did that in my childhood, I did not get that at all. He told me it was because i did it wrong because I didn't understand the rules about it. He also told me bullying is part of the social rules and kids who bully don't want to do it but have to or they will get bullied. Then they always feel bad when their victims are hurt but they pretend to not care. So not all bullies are sociopaths.

Today people are trying to change that social rule.

Yeah, it's just the same reason why absolutist regimes can exist. Because people are scared. "If you can't beat 'em, join them."