Being Too Sensitive?

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Good - accepting yourself is a critical first step. It takes a little more - stop focusing on what you can't do and on what you can. Ask whoever in your life has stuck it out with you to help you see what is unique and wonderful about you; of course you can't see it but they can. Don't just throw it on them; give them some time to think about it.

You're right.. finding seasonal work WON'T make you feel better; finding a career that fits you and pays more than enough to support yourself will. It is about being in control of your life as much as you can.

My first leap of faith in that direction sounds improbable but it's true. I went for an interview for a computer programming job with a start-up company for a language I didn't know in an environment I hadn't used... I said to them "Let me be 100% honest with you. I don't currently know Perl and have never written code for the web but if you hire me I'll know it and be ready to start work on Monday." To my amazement they said "Ok you're hired". I spent the next 4 days learning it and started on Monday as if I'd been doing that kind of work for a long time. I couldn't do that sort of thing if I didn't have Apergers.

Eventually that company went under and I needed to pick a more stable job. Once I decided what my career would be I didn't sit around and do nothing... instead I spent 8 hours a day PLUS while I was out of work preparing for that job. I immersed myself in it completely and made sure I could 'talk the talk and walk the walk' so that my first interview turned into my first job.

The cure for your depression is taking responsibility for it AND taking action. It doesn't have to be a lot of action. There is a neat thing about momentum in life... positive momentum spills over into other areas; you just need some forward movement. if you can't think of anything to do then think about who you could help and start helping them.

Yeah and before I can expect to have any career, I think I need some experience which hopefully the seasonal work will help with....also I am not sure there are any careers in this society I could get that passionate about, we'll see what happens though. Or maybe I will end up making a living with seasonal and part time work while spending my free time on things I really like. I guess the main thing is starting somewhere.



Oh but it is. You can't hide that you don't like yourself. It sends a signal to the world that some take advantage of and others judge you for (not that they matter). You can't be happy if you don't value yourself. Think about why don't you value yourself... is it a pressure from outside of you? Is it an unrealistic expectation? What is the core reason?

For a long time I didn't value myself... I remember saying in 3rd grade "If no one else likes me why should I like myself" - I was a very angry and depressed child. It didn't really get better until 11th grade.
For me it was a key understanding about myself that was important...
Other people don't define me - I DO.
Things that happen to me don't define me - I DO.
Ultimately I am responsible for my own happiness, my own problems, and my own future... even if others negatively influence my life they're just obstacles to go around and I refuse to let such obstacles stop me.
I hope you can get this kind of mindset - it will transform your life.

Maybe...don't know I mean when I try to think like that I just end up beating myself up for not being able to live up to not being so effected by negative experiences with people. I mean I really don't seem able to refuse to let such obstacles stop me. I guess I just feel like I can't live up to anything at all and have internalized a lot of negativity directed at me. Also with PTSD comes symptoms that cause you to feel like nothing matters, there's no future and its pointless which only adds to the not having a very good view of myself. But yeah I've been trying to be more in control of that.....i just haven't made much progress.




I have a lot of those same things in my life.. physical, sexual, and verbal a abuse; bullying; severe depression for a long time; and until I took control very low self esteem.
It takes a bit of a mental leap to get past your past but if you think about it you realize that what is past is past and you can't change it. The fact that it still infects your present is the problem.

Exactly, I know its in the past and that it's over and can't be changed....but that knowledge does not seem to do anything to decrease the effects it still has on me.

I had bullying everywhere I went no matter where we moved it just started again. I even became the bully for awhile until I realized that people were only 'my friends' out of fear. It made me even more depressed. My parents were alcoholics that often put their own needs before the needs of their children. My step father was an angry abusive alcoholic a-hole.. and the next guy my mom married was verbally abusive. The baby sitters they'd hire to watch us molested us while they were out partying on the town. I even told them about the sexual abuse and they refused to believe it. It is a sad realization for a 5 year old that you can't trust your parents. I really didn't have any safe haven to turn to for a long time; I ended up making it inside myself.

Yeah I did not face all those exact issues, but yeah I certainly had a pile of my own.

A critical part of placing it all behind you is forgiveness. It's not easy to forgive people that physically, sexually, or verbally abuse you but it is a must if you want it's negative influence out of you. The key point about forgiveness is that it isn't for them.. it's for you.. so you can move on without their negative influence. When I feel like those negative thoughts are coming back I say to myself 'YOU DON'T DEFINE ME - I DO'.

Why should I do that? they were the ones who did wrong by treating me like crap...I mean I can forgive things like people not understanding and such, but not intentionally trying to hurt me for their own entertainment......they don't deserve me to forgive them for that. If I was to think good thoughts about all those jerks then I would just feel like a push over for being ok with having been treated that way.

Part of it comes from trying to understand it it all. Looking back with an adult mind I understand why kids were that way - they're like pack animals that prey on anyone different... and no matter where I went I was different. It doesn't make it right but I get it. I was super sensitive so when they teased me I blew up which fueled them to keep doing it even more. It's why I choose not to blow up as an adult.

My issue is as much as I 'choose' not to blow up....I still do especially with the PTSD to complicate things, as a child I started suppressing how I felt so people wouldn't keep on me.......so things build up and then I cannot help but freak the hell out. Not blowing up for me would mean suppressing even more negative energy which would make the next blow up worse. Trust me it bothers me and if I could just not be sensitive I wouldn't have that problem.

You obviously have a lot of your past locked up inside of you... YOU HAVE TO GET IT OUT! One of the first things I did was make a journal and started writing it all down.. every negative feeling, every angry thought, every frustration I had.. once it was there I played a little mental judo about it. I've written it down so I don't have to hold on to it anymore. I knew I had a LOT to write so I made my own journal out of a 300 sheet ream of lined paper. I eventually burned it.

It doesn't work all at once and at first it makes it worse because you're re-feeling those negative emotions all over again BUT the process of facing those feelings diminishes their power over you. The more you face them on purpose the less power they have on you. By bottling it all up you keep it alive as if it just happened to you. It is like a time capsule that keeps popping up at the most unfortunate moments; it festers and infects your life. It won't be easy but you can get past your past and you can take control of your life.

I have tried that and usually I come up with things like 'they're better than me', 'what did I do to cause this', 'why do I always just piss people off.' ect. That is if I do that when I start freaking out about the situation. After I've calmed down I am a bit more rational and people who care will be kind of comforting....otherwise I am more used to people trying to make it worse via trying to upset me more that is how I grew up so I am still trying to get past that. I mean last time I ended up getting all anxious about something I was perplexed as to why my brother, his girlfriend and my cousin weren't getting pissed at me for being so 'annoying' because that's how much my brain is used to that being 'the way it is'.

And your right bottling stuff up does cause things to fester and blow out of proportion...but its what I had to do to survive as a child, so I guess its hard to try and find a different way. Especially when things that happen seem to confirm that is what I should do......like if i open up to someone only to get hurt then it seems more of a reason to keep suppressing things. Not good I know and at least I understand what is going on so maybe I will find a way to quit that.

I also leave when I can, that is one option I have now as an adult that I did not have as a child...now I can just leave and cool off if I need to. As a child you're not exactly allowed to avoid your classes or even coming to school even if it is to get away from the bullying. Also considering how much I blow up I must be really, really, really immature.

Tried that as a kid, and learned if anyone ever looks at what I write they judge me for being such a freak...my counseler i had when I was 15 after a suicide attempt suggested it so that is what I did then a girl tried to set me up and that was a big mess but anyways the cops confiscated my journals and interrogated me about it so guess what writing in a journal always brings back? exactly...so maybe I can find a way to make it so that's not a trigger for those memories anymore....but not sure how to do that yet.

As a child you're not exactly allowed to avoid your classes or even coming to school even if it is to get away from the bullying.

This is a good point to note for anyone dealing with an AS child.

Isolation is a great and necessary tool when self-imposed.

It's not mutually exclusive - you can do both. Seasonal work doesn't usually pay that well.
The point is about making the choice of your career and preparing for the opportunity that will eventually come. If you're prepared for it things will happen like magic when opportunity comes along.


Getting past your past isn't an easy process but if you choose to face the difficult things that come at you in life instead of running from them it works out. The power over you diminishes to the point that you can set those things that happened aside from what defines you. I understand the 'nothing matters' feeling... even when you have it you know it's a lie. If it didn't matter then you wouldn't feel like crap.

There are a few tricks that work for everyone that you can use to 'wag the dog' when you're feeling down to pull yourself out of a funk. You probably know of specific songs that make you feel happier - make a play list. Also exercise can pull you out of depression. Getting your heart rate up for about an hour a day causes a corresponding effect on your brain.

I know seasonal does not pay very well...if I get the job at the amusement park I get 7.50 an hour and have to be available for all weekdays and weekends. I imagine there is some off time but I'll find out the scheduling if I get the job. I have gone to this amusement park ever since I was like 5 once a year so It would be like working at a familiar environment at least...and it will help with general job experiance.

I would rather have some income than none, so I'm not too picky about wages right now.

Also my heart rate goes up often enough as is, I am always more or less anxious/tense for the most part so I typically don't have a lot of energy left over for regular exercise. But I do like to go outside and go for walks and such. Other then that the music is very helpful.


Exactly which is why action is required. Just knowing isn't enough you have to do something to take control. Choosing what to do and starting action makes your depression go away eventually.

I have no idea what sort of action to take about that, I mean i try just reminding myself it is in the past and I should try to focus more on the moment and the good things in the moment....but it seems to be no help. Also I am choosing to find work and get experiance so I can you know live life but as for the depression and bad memories and such I have not found any real way to get it out of my head.



Because you're not hurting them by holding it all inside you, holding a grudge against them, and seething with hatred towards them.. you're hurting YOU and probably others around you. Forgiving them takes strength not weakness. It's not about thinking good thoughts it is about freeing yourself of them and their influence on you. Fear not.. they will be judged; it doesn't have to be by you.

Ok, fair point...but yeah I don't have seething hatered towards them, I just feel what they did was quite wrong so I don't want to waste the energy. I would prefer to just put them out of my mind, but that is a good point.



Mature adults don't have temper tantrums.
Don't suppress it; that is pointless.. but control how you let it out.
If you have to physically release pent up aggression then take up a contact sport - boxing, kick boxing, karate, etc but be in control. I see getting angry as failure now because when I get angry I lose control, do things I always regret, and lose respect for myself AND so do others.

I don't think an anxiety/panic attack and or meltdown is the same as a temper tantrum...its more like something sets me off and as much as I want to keep my cool, I just can't unless I try and forcibly supress the outward expression of such extreme feelings. I mean when it comes to anger/rage type feelings I sometimes end up having to go outside and hit something so I don't break anything glass inside or worse hurt someone. But other then that its more like I just get really anxious and panic about it not sure how to control that.



That happened to me too.. which is why I burned my journal eventually - girlfriends kept insisting on reading it and then got upset because I vented about them. It's only for you - NO ONE ELSE ever needs to read it. Don't ever cave to pressure by others to read it and of course don't try to commit suicide again to prompt people to forcibly take them. Suicide the most selfish thing you can do; I almost did it too and I'm glad I chickened out at the last second before I smashed into the brick wall. The point is that you have to face all of that negative BS inside of you and get it out of you somehow. Writing it down is the least risky way of doing that since it doesn't involve anyone else who could betray you. In my case I even gave speeches about some of it in Toastmasters because it was a safe place to talk about it.

The cops went to my house while I was at school and confiscated them, I did not exactly have any way to prevent them from reading them. Also that's probably the last thing I need to hear about suicide because I actually feel more like people would be better off without me when I get suicidal......In that state I am convinced of it. Also my brain tells me writing it down puts it on paper where someone could potentially see it like those cops did. As I said its something I have to try and move on from but for the time being whenever I try to write in a journal I just get uspet thinking about that incident.


In an odd way the events of my past has become a strength for me. In almost all instances where tragedy strikes I've already endured worse and when I haven't I just figure that I got though it in the past so I'll get through this too. Instead of wallowing in self loathing I immediately start doing something to resolve problems and when I can't do anything I just accept it and try to remove myself from the situation.

Don't lose hope... you'll get past all of it if you face it and choose the specific direction you want for your life.

I know seasonal does not pay very well...if I get the job at the amusement park I get 7.50 an hour and have to be available for all weekdays and weekends. I imagine there is some off time but I'll find out the scheduling if I get the job. I have gone to this amusement park ever since I was like 5 once a year so It would be like working at a familiar environment at least...and it will help with general job experiance.

I would rather have some income than none, so I'm not too picky about wages right now.

Also my heart rate goes up often enough as is, I am always more or less anxious/tense for the most part so I typically don't have a lot of energy left over for regular exercise. But I do like to go outside and go for walks and such. Other then that the music is very helpful.

I know seasonal does not pay very well...if I get the job at the amusement park I get 7.50 an hour and have to be available for all weekdays and weekends. I imagine there is some off time but I'll find out the scheduling if I get the job. I have gone to this amusement park ever since I was like 5 once a year so It would be like working at a familiar environment at least...and it will help with general job experiance.

I would rather have some income than none, so I'm not too picky about wages right now.

Also my heart rate goes up often enough as is, I am always more or less anxious/tense for the most part so I typically don't have a lot of energy left over for regular exercise. But I do like to go outside and go for walks and such. Other then that the music is very helpful.

Ok, fair point...but yeah I don't have seething hatered towards them, I just feel what they did was quite wrong so I don't want to waste the energy. I would prefer to just put them out of my mind, but that is a good point.

I don't think an anxiety/panic attack and or meltdown is the same as a temper tantrum...its more like something sets me off and as much as I want to keep my cool, I just can't unless I try and forcibly supress the outward expression of such extreme feelings. I mean when it comes to anger/rage type feelings I sometimes end up having to go outside and hit something so I don't break anything glass inside or worse hurt someone. But other then that its more like I just get really anxious and panic about it not sure how to control that.

The cops went to my house while I was at school and confiscated them, I did not exactly have any way to prevent them from reading them. Also that's probably the last thing I need to hear about suicide because I actually feel more like people would be better off without me when I get suicidal......In that state I am convinced of it. Also my brain tells me writing it down puts it on paper where someone could potentially see it like those cops did. As I said its something I have to try and move on from but for the time being whenever I try to write in a journal I just get uspet thinking about that incident.

I'll try

Self degradation will get you nowhere other than in a much worse place Other people are not better than you and unless you physically DID something you didn't cause their feelings. You're not in control of other people's feelings - they are. Other people aren't in control of your feelings - You are.
Are people are actually TRYING to push your buttons? If so don't let them but don't blow up either.

Uhh....I try not to let them, but I cannot seem to not have an emotional response so I either have to let that response out or try to suppress it. If I knew how to not let them I wouldn't but I have no idea how to do that. How do you do it?



You're older now and can look back on things more logically than you could as a child.
I had to take a hard look at my life and re-frame things with an adult mindset to help me move on.
You know that bottling it up doesn't work and in fact makes it 1000% worse. Choose to have a controlled release & never let them fester. You have to try to be a lot more self aware and head it off before it builds to an explosion. I feel it coming like a wave and circumvent it before I explode; I spent a long time getting to know myself.

Yes I know that, which is why I don't enjoy that I bottle things up...but I can't seem to stop, because If I am afraid of people looking down on me for having an emotional reaction I will bottle it up as much as I can and when I reach my limit well yeah I kind of explode you could say. Half the time I have no warning signs.........the times I do I can sometimes stop it before it gets to that point just by getting away from the situation, or maybe trying to concentrate on my breathing or things like that.


Blowing up is just a coping mechanism you haven't eliminated from yourself - YET... but you can. As a child blowing up seems like a kind of power because people often gave in to your blowups. As an adult however it really holds you back and kills off opportunity that you'd have otherwise because people just don't want to deal with it. It's holding you back - set it free

Every job you do is a building block in your career; a job that isn't in line with your career can hurt you. You have to think longer term; if that is a place that can be a bridge to a higher job then I say go for it. If you know it's a dead end then pick something else.
If you can always answer 'then what' for what you'll do after each job you're probably ok.


If it fits within your overall plan then I say it's good.. if you don't have a plan then you'll bounce from job to job without really getting anywhere.

Well for now I cannot really picture myself having some professional career....so for now getting this job or another seasonal job is my goal. I don't understand why now your making it sound like its bad for me to finally have gotten up the guts to go apply for a job. I mean then I am ok with bouncing around from job to job until I figure something out.

The point about exercise isn't about your heart rate; it is about getting your body active for an hour to get your heart rate up because it has a corresponding positive effect on your brain. Exercise causes your brain to release the same kind of brain chemicals they give you for depression, anxiety, etc but in a more controlled way. If your body is depressed your mind is depressed; if your mind is depressed and you're just sitting there then a corresponding effect occurs in your body... you're lethargic, you're anxious, you're sick. It is interesting that you can influence either from the other direction because we have a mind-body connection. If you want your brain to stop being depressed then get your body moving full bore... it is impossible for your brain not to follow. It's possible to go the other way too.

I garantee I am active for at least an hour every day...I just don't have any exercise routine or anything, because I wouldn't have the energy for that on top of everything else. But yeah activity does help.


You've probably figured out that just trying to put it out of your mind doesn't really work. Actually forgiving them doesn't put it out of your mind; it reframes it so it isn't a burden on you.
Sometimes I have to say to myself - I'm not exactly perfect myself.. I get mad, do things I shouldn't sometimes, and things I regret... so how can I really judge them for being ignorant, petty, and immature when I've been the same the past.

I think trying to cause someone else harm for you own entertainment is worse than being ignorant, petty and immature......I guess I just don't see what good thinking to myself that it's ok people knowingly caused me pain including teachers of all people. But maybe I am just not quite understanding your meaning.


I don't really get anxiety/panic attacks anymore but I did when I was younger.
Choosing to leave and letting your anger out on something that doesn't matter is a huge step - good for you. Beyond that you'll have to address the underlying reasons that you're being consumed by anxiety and anger. I didn't really understand what the basis was for me until I really took a hard look at myself and it wasn't possible until I was in my late teens/early 20s.
For me the understanding that other people don't control my feelings -I do- (AND vice versa) was a critical shift for me.

I don't think I am really consumed by anger I don't really feel like I am very angry, I mean I do have a hard time with it when it hits me sometimes....but the anxiety is much more of an issue. Not to mention for me its easier to get over anger than it is to not freak out when I have an anxiety attack. But yeah I know more or less the causes of this, just not sure what to do of course.


You've probably seen where two people can have the exact circumstances happen to them.. one is utterly crushed and the other seems almost unaffected. The difference between the two people is the mindset they have. One focuses on what they've lost (the sky is falling, the world sucks, why am I so unlucky) and the other focuses on the silver lining in that bad situation (I'm so lucky...That could have been way worse!). Develop a silver lining mindset. Even in the worst situations it could have been worse and you're still alive so it didn't beat you.

Yeah I try and remember the silver lining of things already, sometimes its much easier said than done...but it helps some.


It's ok to get upset about it if you're setting the circumstances; it's the time you've chosen to get upset about it so you don't have to later on. A lot of people go to therapy for that.

I've been to therapy....and it didn't seem to make much of a difference in the long run.

The world wouldn't be better off without you; you have a lot to offer the world if you want to. Even if you haven't done anything significant doesn't mean you can't. Suicide IS a very selfish thing. It shatters lives in your family, friends, and even acquaintances.
How do I know? When I was 17 my girlfriend (the first person I ever loved) drowned in her pool. She was in a wheel chair and I taught her everything she did on that day that made it possible for her to get out of bed, get dressed, go to the pool... We had a fight a couple of weeks before she took her life either intentionally or accidently because someone said that I didn't really love her and she believed it because her self esteem was really low. I was an immature jerk about it because my feelings where hurt and stormed off and said a few choice words. I waited the call with her appology for a few weeks but when the call came she was dead. It shattered me, her parents, her sister, and quite a few other people in her life. Only the knowledge that I'd be doing to people that love me what her death did to me stopped me from slamming into the brick wall about a year after she died. If that isn't enough to convince you google 'suicide grief forum' and see just what an explosion your suicide would make in the lives of people you care about.

Please take suicide off the table if you love or care about anyone. Nothing in your life is unfixable - trust me.


Most days that's all you can do; never stop.

Uhh....I try not to let them, but I cannot seem to not have an emotional response so I either have to let that response out or try to suppress it. If I knew how to not let them I wouldn't but I have no idea how to do that. How do you do it?

Yes I know that, which is why I don't enjoy that I bottle things up...but I can't seem to stop, because If I am afraid of people looking down on me for having an emotional reaction I will bottle it up as much as I can and when I reach my limit well yeah I kind of explode you could say. Half the time I have no warning signs.........the times I do I can sometimes stop it before it gets to that point just by getting away from the situation, or maybe trying to concentrate on my breathing or things like that.

What are you talking about? no one gave into my blow-ups.....people just told me to quit being selfish, rude, shut up, you're annoying, trying to get attention ect. none of which I was trying to do in these instances. Typically if I got or get overwhelmed by all the mental illness symptoms, sensory issues, anxiety, stress ect I simply could not and cannot seem to handle it in any good way. But yeah I already know it holds me back thats why I beat myself up whenever I get too overwhelmed and have an anxiety attack.

I do it by being really open. I don't bottle up anything - ever. If I'm getting angry before I explode I start to let it out - calmly - I say things like "I'm really offended by what you just said. I need to go cool down for a few; I'll be back...". I don't care if people judge me because anyone that would doesn't matter - so their option doesn't either.

I choose when to get angry almost always - there are times when it is needed but most people respond to open honesty; there are also times when people persist in barraging you after you've asked theim to stop and it's the only option left (when leaving isn't). I've lost it a few times when cornered and the other person didn't stop despite repeated requests.. I'm not proud of it.

If I could get over being so afraid of how the other person will react if I tell them they've offended me or really pissed me off, that may work. Not sure how to overcome that though. My cousin thinks I should openly be angry with people if they do something that offends me or whatever...I guess maybe trying to become more assertive might help.




I feel the anger coming like a wave that builds up pressure; if I don't head it off I'll explode.

You have to become really self aware so that such things can't sneak up on you. To do that you have to be less focused on what other people say, do, and think.
It helps to continually question yourself in a constructive way...give them the benefit of the doubt..
am I overreacting here?
could I be misinterpreting them?
why are they really doing this?
is this really about me?
are they just misplacing anger about something else on me right now?

Oh with the anger I can feel that, but with the anxiety attacks and if a sudden loud noise or movement startles me and sets off my PTSD I typically have no warning signs. Other than if I am stressed or having a bad day I know its more likely so Its not so much of a shock when it does happen but it still sucks just the same. Also I can think about that after I've calmed down which can help me understand the situation...but if I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack I don't seem to have such rationalization abilities at all.

You just need to develop work-arrounds in your life to keep control.
For me those work-arounds are things like always having an engineered distraction to keep me from losing focus on important things, having things in the line of site on my way out the door (ADHD), using google calendar and other technology to nag me to remember to do things, having backup's for important things like diabetes medicine (some in car, workout bag, at work, at home) so I have some when I forget, and trying to put myself in the other person's position before judging them even if I don't really 'get them'. I did all of these things not knowing that I have Aspergers/ADHD through a process of identifying problems and finding a way to deal with it. I think you can take this kind of approach in your life.

Well for now I cannot really picture myself having some professional career....so for now getting this job or another seasonal job is my goal. I don't understand why now your making it sound like its bad for me to finally have gotten up the guts to go apply for a job. I mean then I am ok with bouncing around from job to job until I figure something out.

I think trying to cause someone else harm for you own entertainment is worse than being ignorant, petty and immature......I guess I just don't see what good thinking to myself that it's ok people knowingly caused me pain including teachers of all people. But maybe I am just not quite understanding your meaning.

I don't think I am really consumed by anger I don't really feel like I am very angry, I mean I do have a hard time with it when it hits me sometimes....but the anxiety is much more of an issue. Not to mention for me its easier to get over anger than it is to not freak out when I have an anxiety attack. But yeah I know more or less the causes of this, just not sure what to do of course.

Yeah I try and remember the silver lining of things already, sometimes its much easier said than done...but it helps some.
I've been to therapy....and it didn't seem to make much of a difference in the long run.

Could you please stop pushing the suicide issue that way...that really just makes me feel much worse about the whole thing and I actually just got over one of the very bad phases of my depression and am really trying not to fall into another right now. Being told I am selfish for attempting suicide does not exactly help. Also, not to sound sick or anything but what about the pain I am in? isn't it kind of selfish for people to expect me to just live in misery so they don't have to be sad about my death? I'm sorry but when your in so much pain you're considering suicide your mind is consumed by that...thinking about how sad people would be really does not help...What helps me is finding another way not to be in pain other than killing myself.

You don't have to answer that...and other then that yeah I'm trying to do my best to live life and other then this job I probably will try and find some form of psychological help. I hope I didn't offend and if I did I apologize.

If I could get over being so afraid of how the other person will react if I tell them they've offended me or really pissed me off, that may work. Not sure how to overcome that though. My cousin thinks I should openly be angry with people if they do something that offends me or whatever...I guess maybe trying to become more assertive might help.

Oh with the anger I can feel that, but with the anxiety attacks and if a sudden loud noise or movement startles me and sets off my PTSD I typically have no warning signs. Other than if I am stressed or having a bad day I know its more likely so Its not so much of a shock when it does happen but it still sucks just the same. Also I can think about that after I've calmed down which can help me understand the situation...but if I'm in the midst of an anxiety attack I don't seem to have such rationalization abilities at all.

Of course there are some simple things like that which help...but yeah right now I am pretty stressed in general and just really hoping to either get the job I applied for or find another. I also want to go to this mental health place I found in my area that has diagnoses services and such for little or no cost. But other then that I'm just trying to make the best of things for the moment.

Why not picture yourself in a career? I assume you want to eventually be able to fully support yourself doing something non-menial that you actually enjoy.
I guess I'm really hoping you don't make the same mistake I did.. after Laurie died I spent 10 years bouncing from one pointless job to another. About mid way in I started thinking clearly but by then I was trapped in mostly un-skilled jobs because I didn't have experience. In the end it was Aspergers that saved me... I never stopped tinkering with computers and technology. There are many ways to get experience.

You'll get by bouncing from one thing to another but it'll always feel like a dead end. If you don't know what that career would be then just start thinking about it. Take the amusement park job and keep an open mind about it; look for a way up from there. I thought I'd be in electronics for a long time because computer programming was so easy it was boring.. then both industries changed.

Well I can't really think of any careers I would like...I mean I have thought of things like figuring out how to get licensed to maybe do labor type work in the MMJ industry in my state. But yeah a lot of it is just at this point in my life I am in no position to start a career I need experience and such and probably to try and get some help with all the psychological issues....so I can manage more than part time or seasonal work(if I even prove able to handle such work).


I'm not saying it's OK for them to act like that -it isn't. The people that hurt you were ignorant, , immature, and were often just taking out the abuse inflicted on them... on you. It doesn't make it right. Why let them control your state of mind and your life? People that gain pleasure from hurting others are just pathetic immature people; I feel sorry for them and avoid them completely if I can. Those people in high school and grade school that felt so above you to pick on you don't end up so well; you'll see. It is truly pathetic to see 30+ year olds still basking in the glory of their high school days because that was the high point of their life. If you watch them from afar you'll see that they set their own traps in life; there is no need for you to wish them harm from afar or do anything really. Just watch.

And many of them where not taking anything out on me, they just wanted to cause someone pain and I was a target. But yeah I see what you mean I guess.



It takes a while to figure out what to do about it.. just keep trying things until you figure out what works for you. Address why you feel anxious. Try to go a little easier on yourself - nobody is perfect... most people don't have to deal with the same issues you do so they just can't relate.

When there is a specific cause I do my best to address it, but I also have Generalized Anxiety...so sometimes I get anxious for no reason in particular.



I didn't get much out of therapy either.. I never felt like they really cared. I had to work it out on my own.

I'm sorry about that Sweetleaf; I didn't really consider how that might affect you. I wasn't trying to hurt your feelings; I was just trying to get to you see just how damaging that decision is on other people. Im really sorry. When you're in that frame of mind where suicide seems like the one and only answer you aren't thinking clearly at all. You're stuck in a downward spiral where the only logical answer that makes sense is suicide. It feels like an overwhelming pain that you just want to end by any means... you just want it to go away.

I already know that, which is why thinking about it makes me feel worse....because I can actually feel so bad, I don't even care about any of that because I'm too consumed by my own misery. But no offense taken, there would be no sense in that when you're trying to be helpful.

I get it.. I avoid it at all costs because periodically at low points in my life -usually when my wife is fighting with me- I get those thoughts again and I have to beat them back before they build to that point; I have to short-cut my self to another frame of mind. Sometimes I go see a movie - alone. Sometimes I go for a walk. Sometimes I immerse myself into something really technical that requires all of my attention. It just has to be something to buy me time to cool off and get out of that destructive mindset.

I already know it would damage the people I care about and who care about me, which is why thinking about it makes me feel worse....because I can actually feel so bad, I don't even care about any of that because I'm too consumed by my own misery, which is not pleasent. But no offense taken, there would be no sense in that when you're trying to be helpful.



What you did before is in the past and you can't change it now. If you appologized and meant it then not ever trying it again will be enough to make those people ok with you. As you start to try to understand people around you you'll discover that there are a lot of people that are damaged. Everyone is flawed in some way; no body is perfect. They try to hide it from others but it's clear as day if you're looking for it. For most their so called perfection causes them nothing buy misery because it's impossible to maintain forever. They've chosen to carry that baggage around with them and allow it to taint their view of the world. The more you look the more you'll realize that people have flaws as bad or worse than yours.. they're just different flaws.. cut them and yourself some slack. It is a choice to be happy or sad; sometimes it's ok to choose to be sad as long as it's on your terms for your own good.

How do you choose to feel happy or sad? I typically cannot control that......I mean I can make myself feel less sad if I feel sad, but I cannot really make myself 'happy' and if I am in a content mood, well I guess I could pretty easily make myself sad but I typically don't do that unless I'm feeling really numb and want to feel something.


You can only affect what you do from now on - the past is long gone. I think you need to find some more positive people to be around you to help you see the world a little differently. You're in between jobs - go volunteer somewhere and help people. Find the purpose you need in your life... keep thinking about your future and eventually it will become obvious to you what you should be doing with your life.