How do you isolate yourself when you need comfort?

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ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo
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17 Apr 2012, 1:03 pm

ialdabaoth wrote:
ooOoOoOAnaOoOoOoo wrote:
That's too bad. You sound like a great friend to me.


*shrug* I'm not sure how that's relevant.

I didn't know what else to say. I don't get why people wouldn't want to be friends with you. It's a mystery to me.



1000Knives
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17 Apr 2012, 1:04 pm

ialdabaoth wrote:
Hrm. We seem to be talking about different things.

Most of you are talking about "how do I get other peoples' permission to have alone time?"

That's almost the *opposite* of what I'm talking about. I don't want alone time. I want to be around people; the problem is, they don't want to be around me. I'm trying to learn to respect that fact, but it's incredibly difficult.


I kinda get what you're saying, I do it sometimes too, but now it's been so bad lately I don't wanna see anyone at all. I think what you can do then, is if you got transportation/etc, just go to like, the mall or a store or something and just walk around maybe. Maybe order a coffee and make some small talk with the person serving you or something to that affect. But in a crowd, I feel it's sorta easier to be social, as simply you'll never see the people again.

I don't know if my suggestion like, makes sense to you, but yeah. Might be dumb, I don't know.



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17 Apr 2012, 2:48 pm

I know what you're saying.

I know telling you to do this or that or think this or that way doesn't help. No matter how kind the advice is, it's the continued support of other people (in person or as close to in person as possible, pretty much) that matters.

I am not one of those people who can be fine without people and I definitely can't get along when I'm at my most vulnerable without people.

I don't mean to sound dramatic, just factual - isolation is extremely painful. The feeling of not being able to trust in people for support has taken an extremely bad toll on my health. The situation could be looked at through a few lenses but that's definitely one of them.

I will post more if I think of something more useful to say.



Kinme
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17 Apr 2012, 2:52 pm

I can't. I wish I could, though. There is no where to run or hide in my house or outside of my house. Yesterday I went to the library and couldn't escape there either. I wish I could find a place, but I'm having no luck.



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17 Apr 2012, 2:54 pm

1000Knives wrote:
ialdabaoth wrote:
Hrm. We seem to be talking about different things.

Most of you are talking about "how do I get other peoples' permission to have alone time?"

That's almost the *opposite* of what I'm talking about. I don't want alone time. I want to be around people; the problem is, they don't want to be around me. I'm trying to learn to respect that fact, but it's incredibly difficult.


I kinda get what you're saying, I do it sometimes too, but now it's been so bad lately I don't wanna see anyone at all. I think what you can do then, is if you got transportation/etc, just go to like, the mall or a store or something and just walk around maybe. Maybe order a coffee and make some small talk with the person serving you or something to that affect. But in a crowd, I feel it's sorta easier to be social, as simply you'll never see the people again.

I don't know if my suggestion like, makes sense to you, but yeah. Might be dumb, I don't know.


That's a good idea. (I know this wasn't to me but this does help.) Train stations and airports also make me extremely happy almost instantly also. I've been looking into ways I might be able to work at an airport for a while.



Sweetleaf
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18 Apr 2012, 12:08 pm

ialdabaoth wrote:
I have found, over the past thirty-plus years, that I am at my worst socially when I most need comfort.

This means that I tend to seek out the company of others when I am least capable of "investing" in my "social capital" to make them want to provide me the kind of company that I desperately need.

The obvious solution is to isolate myself whenever I feel a need to seek out others - to enforce a strict "social diet" and ensure that I only interact with people when I can ensure that doing so will be in their best interests.

The problem is, the longer I go without comfort, the more I need it, and the more inappropriate and distressing my behavior becomes. If I want to truly commit to this policy, I'll basically need to isolate myself indefinitely, until I "reboot" via some kind of psychotic break.

Even this post is an attempt at seeking out feedback and social company - just watch; people will give advice, I'll claim that I've tried that before or that it won't work in my situation, we'll play "yes but-" and everyone will be pissed off at me, until people will start positing the theory that I'm explicitly seeking out abuse. I'll attempt to refute that theory, which will cause people to become more aggressive, so I'll acquiesce and agree with that theory, and be labelled a troll - then I'll go away and kick myself and decide that I really DO bring it on myself.

What I need is some strategy to utterly isolate myself from comfort whenever I need it - some way to become completely inured to my own needs. I have no idea how to manage this without developing a form of sociopathy.


Uhh what about your best intrest? why should you only interact with people if you can ensure they will get some sort of added benefit from it? I mean if you have friends and family they should care how you feel to, not just the other way around.


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ialdabaoth
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19 Apr 2012, 12:09 pm

Sweetleaf wrote:
Uhh what about your best intrest? why should you only interact with people if you can ensure they will get some sort of added benefit from it? I mean if you have friends and family they should care how you feel to, not just the other way around.


People care about your best interest if you give them a reason to. Since I'm not good at giving people a reason to care about my best interest, it's not very smart of me to expect people to care about my best interest.

There's an entire subconscious process of feedback that causes people to "like" or "dislike" someone (which is essentially the same thing as "caring about their best interest" or "not caring about your best interest"); if you do not properly engage with that process, then people don't "like" you, which means they don't care about your best interest.

Remember, the universe does not *owe* you friends. It does not owe you comfort, or love, or happiness. It does not even owe you safety, or warmth, or food, or water, or air. You are either born knowing how to acquire these things, or you are not. If you are not, you are still obligated to exist; you just don't get much say in the nature or quality of that existence.



glider18
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19 Apr 2012, 12:28 pm

This morning I was having quite a bit of anxiety (which isn't uncommon for me). Although I couldn't get away from the people here at my job, I did find time however to drift off mentally into the past. I recalled a vacation I took with my parents and my best friend and his family back in 1976 when I was 11 years old. I was selecting certain parts of the vacation and playing them back in my memories like a movie. Sure, there are a lot of gaps in my memories from something like this, but the clear memories from my childhood feel like I just did them yesterday. I find a warm satisfying comfort in engaging in this type of recollecting (almost like a self-hypnosis).


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NTAndrew
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19 Apr 2012, 1:19 pm

[quote="ialdabaoth"]I have found, over the past thirty-plus years, that I am at my worst socially when I most need comfort.


I think that is true of most people.


This means that I tend to seek out the company of others when I am least capable of "investing" in my "social capital" to make them want to provide me the kind of company that I desperately need.


You can't make anyone want to do anything.


The obvious solution is to isolate myself whenever I feel a need to seek out others - to enforce a strict "social diet" and ensure that I only interact with people when I can ensure that doing so will be in their best interests.

The problem is, the longer I go without comfort, the more I need it, and the more inappropriate and distressing my behavior becomes. If I want to truly commit to this policy, I'll basically need to isolate myself indefinitely, until I "reboot" via some kind of psychotic break.


I don't think isolating yourself is a solution. The more isolated you are, the more emotionally needy you will become. I think it is that neediness that pushes people away.




Even this post is an attempt at seeking out feedback and social company - just watch; people will give advice, I'll claim that I've tried that before or that it won't work in my situation, we'll play "yes but-" and everyone will be pissed off at me, until people will start positing the theory that I'm explicitly seeking out abuse. I'll attempt to refute that theory, which will cause people to become more aggressive, so I'll acquiesce and agree with that theory, and be labelled a troll - then I'll go away and kick myself and decide that I really DO bring it on myself.


I won't try to give you advice. I won't tell you to exercise, spark up a doobie or talk to Jesus. I can tell you what happens to me. Sometimes when I am with people, they can sense how needy I am. For most people, neediness is not a quality that is attractive, in a lover, in a friend or in a casual acquaintance. I also try to be really giving, in order to give them a reason not to abandon me. I am super nice and understanding, I'll pick up the check at dinner, I'll even buy gifts. I assume they will return the favor, and when they don't I become angry at them. I won't tell them that, but they will start to sense it in the way I act, in me saying sarcastic things. My attitude changes and suddenly I am not pleasant to be around. And I am back where I started from.

I don't know if that is your story too. If it is, I don't have any advice to give you. I'm still trying to figure things out for myself.



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19 Apr 2012, 2:22 pm

ialdabaoth wrote:
Hrm. We seem to be talking about different things.

Most of you are talking about "how do I get other peoples' permission to have alone time?"

That's almost the *opposite* of what I'm talking about. I don't want alone time. I want to be around people; the problem is, they don't want to be around me. I'm trying to learn to respect that fact, but it's incredibly difficult.


I think I may understand what you are talking about. Do you mean that you are usually happy to be alone when you feel OK and only feel the need to be around people when you feel bad, so that they can give you comfort and support? In that case people will see you as a really needy person and get pissed off because you will be draining their energy without giving anything back. I think I experienced something like this years ago when I was seriously depressed. Whenever I spoke to people at that time I was so needy that people got tired of it.



kirayng
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19 Apr 2012, 2:53 pm

You should learn how to self-soothe. Pm me for details if you wish.



Sweetleaf
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19 Apr 2012, 4:46 pm

ialdabaoth wrote:
Sweetleaf wrote:
Uhh what about your best intrest? why should you only interact with people if you can ensure they will get some sort of added benefit from it? I mean if you have friends and family they should care how you feel to, not just the other way around.


People care about your best interest if you give them a reason to. Since I'm not good at giving people a reason to care about my best interest, it's not very smart of me to expect people to care about my best interest.

There's an entire subconscious process of feedback that causes people to "like" or "dislike" someone (which is essentially the same thing as "caring about their best interest" or "not caring about your best interest"); if you do not properly engage with that process, then people don't "like" you, which means they don't care about your best interest.

Remember, the universe does not *owe* you friends. It does not owe you comfort, or love, or happiness. It does not even owe you safety, or warmth, or food, or water, or air. You are either born knowing how to acquire these things, or you are not. If you are not, you are still obligated to exist; you just don't get much say in the nature or quality of that existence.


Ok well in this thread there does not seem to be anything that bad about you...are you certain every single person you know dislikes you? and speak for yourself with that crap, I don't belive people are either born with or without the means to have nay positive experiances, that sounds like a good way to justify hierarchy but I disagree with that for the most part.


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marshall
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19 Apr 2012, 7:22 pm

This thread is pretty depressing for me as I often feel the same, as though people ignore me if I don't have the ability to be socially entertaining, which isn't possible if I'm depressed. Yet bottling everything up and "defensively" isolating myself only makes things much much worse, so it's a giant catch-22. Maybe the key is finding the right kind of person. If you open up and it pushes someone away you know they're not the right person to look for support from. The problem is avoiding hard feelings or the urge to burn bridges, but I don't know any easier way if it's going to be trial and error. It's also not a good idea to generalize and assume everyone is thinking the worst of you due to how some people react.



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19 Apr 2012, 8:06 pm

I have a room in my parents' basement that is my own private room. No one is allowed in there without my permission. I have a device down there that I use on myself when I need time away for isolation. Temple Grandin has her squeeze box, many of you have your weighted blankets, and I have my special device. When I use it on myself I am able to drift into a meditation where I can focus on things that feel miles away. The device can be extremely uncomfortable until this meditative state is met.


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