Board index › General Discussion › General Autism Discussion

Should I feel "bad" about this?

Page 2 of 3 [ 37 posts ]  Go to page Previous  1, 2, 3  Next

Previous topic | Next topic

zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 6:20 am

redrobin62 wrote:
@Seventh. Point well made. I didn't put the shoes on the other foot with this one. 10 lashes for me! Seriously though, it does make sense I would google my loved one's illness to understand them better. Zombie Girl, my deepest apologies.


Also, a bit more detail...she has an autoimmune disorder, and I have read SO MANY books and journal articles in order to understand her sufferings/needs more. Kind of feel she owes me one on this.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 6:21 am

hanyo wrote:
I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house, adult or child. It would drive me nuts. I'm not sure if I would be this bad about it now but there was a time when someone staying over would have meant I would be trapped in my bedroom until they were gone. At this point I have too much stuff that is spread around the house that it would be difficult or impossible to take everything that is mine and put it in my bedroom where it is safe like I used to do when I was younger. People here would ruin my routine and cause me constant anxiety.

I'm not sure what staying with someone "part time" is. When would they stay the rest of the time?


That is exactly what would end up happening with me, and how I have handled similar situations in the past: I end up trapped in my bedroom, and everyone asking me to come out and not understanding how come I put myself there. I'm trying to avoid that situation again since this is supposed to be *my house* too.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 6:22 am

edgewaters wrote:
For me it would really depend on the level of need. If it was a real emergency situation, like they're fleeing domestic abuse or they're going to be on the streets, and there was no one else in the world going to help them, then ... yeah. I'd just have to.

But if they're just furthering their ambitions in life (ie relocating) then no. I couldn't handle it really. Even in a true emergency I'd be running the risk of a nervous breakdown, but in that case the risk is outweighed by the need.


Right, but I recently have had a lot of nervous breakdown type of issues as it is. I can't possibly deal with anything else right now. I'm already overwhelmed.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


Lene
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 27 Nov 2007
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,452
Location: East China Sea

14 May 2012, 6:24 am

A simple "hell no!" might have sufficed, but at least you got your point across.

Don't feel bad about not wanting a family moving in on top of you; I can't imagine many people who would.

(I'd go easy on the book; if she's not interested in reading it, it won't sink in. Maybe you can paraphrase bits of it?)



zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 6:29 am

Lene wrote:
A simple "hell no!" might have sufficed, but at least you got your point across.

Don't feel bad about not wanting a family moving in on top of you; I can't imagine many people who would.

(I'd go easy on the book; if she's not interested in reading it, it won't sink in. Maybe you can paraphrase bits of it?)


Yes, perhaps that would have sufficed, but she is the type of person that when someone simply tells her "No" for no explained reason...it makes her want to do it all the more. It's not my favorite quality about her. So, I try hard to explain myself if I possibly can.

Yeah, I try to paraphrase as often and as much as I can. I just think Attwood puts it so much better...but I may end up having to paraphrase if she doesn't read it.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


Lockheart
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Apr 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Female
Posts: 341
Location: Australia

14 May 2012, 7:08 am

hanyo wrote:
I wouldn't want anyone staying in my house, adult or child. It would drive me nuts. I'm not sure if I would be this bad about it now but there was a time when someone staying over would have meant I would be trapped in my bedroom until they were gone. At this point I have too much stuff that is spread around the house that it would be difficult or impossible to take everything that is mine and put it in my bedroom where it is safe like I used to do when I was younger. People here would ruin my routine and cause me constant anxiety.


That's me exactly. It's one of the reasons I hate share accommodation, when housemates decided to invite people to stay on the spur of the moment, not even realising it completely freaked me out. When it happened I hid in my bedroom, coming out only to go the toilet, shower and eat - and I tried to time those things for when everyone was out.



Ataraxis
Tufted Titmouse
Tufted Titmouse

User avatar

Joined: 1 May 2012
Age: 44
Gender: Male
Posts: 39
Location: North Idaho

14 May 2012, 7:37 am

zombiegirl2010 wrote:
Okay. I was wondering if I was wrong, because of her reaction to my reaction. She initially acted like I was a unfeeling monster...but she calmed down and everything is okay...atleast tonight. However, I may hear more about it tomorrow...I don't know. I just think she should be trying a little harder to understand...and atleast read that book.


I know exactly how you feel. Several years ago, my boyfriend and I had a small one bedroom apartment. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who he had visitation with. She stayed with us a few nights a week, which I didn't particularly enjoy due to the small space, but I learned to live with it. But then his ex said she was having money issues and needed him to take custody full-time. I freaked. I told him I couldn't make him choose between me and his kid, so he could stay in the apartment, and I'd stay at my parents'. I couldn't handle the thought of losing what tiny bit of privacy I had. He ended up telling his ex it wasn't a possibility (she figured out her finances and things stayed as they were) but I still feel guilty sometimes because even though I didn't want to, I did end up making him choose between me and his kid.



zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 7:42 am

Ataraxis wrote:
zombiegirl2010 wrote:
Okay. I was wondering if I was wrong, because of her reaction to my reaction. She initially acted like I was a unfeeling monster...but she calmed down and everything is okay...atleast tonight. However, I may hear more about it tomorrow...I don't know. I just think she should be trying a little harder to understand...and atleast read that book.


I know exactly how you feel. Several years ago, my boyfriend and I had a small one bedroom apartment. He has a daughter from a previous relationship who he had visitation with. She stayed with us a few nights a week, which I didn't particularly enjoy due to the small space, but I learned to live with it. But then his ex said she was having money issues and needed him to take custody full-time. I freaked. I told him I couldn't make him choose between me and his kid, so he could stay in the apartment, and I'd stay at my parents'. I couldn't handle the thought of losing what tiny bit of privacy I had. He ended up telling his ex it wasn't a possibility (she figured out her finances and things stayed as they were) but I still feel guilty sometimes because even though I didn't want to, I did end up making him choose between me and his kid.


Perhaps we shouldn't feel bad for looking out for our best interests since NT's seem to do this and feel good about doing it. ?


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


Rascal77s
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Nov 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,725

14 May 2012, 1:44 pm

zombiegirl2010 wrote:
Rascal77s wrote:
zombiegirl2010 wrote:
Okay. I was wondering if I was wrong, because of her reaction to my reaction. She initially acted like I was a unfeeling monster...but she calmed down and everything is okay...atleast tonight. However, I may hear more about it tomorrow...I don't know. I just think she should be trying a little harder to understand...and atleast read that book.


Be honest, have you read any books on relationships with NTs?


Honestly, no I haven't. I suppose that I figured I am the minority in this situation. Perhaps I should make an effort too.


Zombie you can't expect her to do the work if you're not willing to do it yourself. You have to meet her half way. If you want to keep her you will need to learn what her needs are and modify your behaviors that cause stress in the relationship. My advice to you is to go find a good book on NT relationships. Sit down with her and say something like 'I love you/care about you/don't want to lose you, so I've bought this book to help me understand your needs and become a better partner for you. I'm going to start reading this book, will you read the book that I got you while I read mine?"

Your comment about not being the minority in the situation made me cringe. This attitude will be what ends your relationship and cause you a lot of problems in other areas of your life. You're thinking like a victim. Stop.



zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 8:06 pm

Rascal77s wrote:
zombiegirl2010 wrote:
Rascal77s wrote:
zombiegirl2010 wrote:
Okay. I was wondering if I was wrong, because of her reaction to my reaction. She initially acted like I was a unfeeling monster...but she calmed down and everything is okay...atleast tonight. However, I may hear more about it tomorrow...I don't know. I just think she should be trying a little harder to understand...and atleast read that book.


Be honest, have you read any books on relationships with NTs?


Honestly, no I haven't. I suppose that I figured I am the minority in this situation. Perhaps I should make an effort too.


Zombie you can't expect her to do the work if you're not willing to do it yourself. You have to meet her half way. If you want to keep her you will need to learn what her needs are and modify your behaviors that cause stress in the relationship. My advice to you is to go find a good book on NT relationships. Sit down with her and say something like 'I love you/care about you/don't want to lose you, so I've bought this book to help me understand your needs and become a better partner for you. I'm going to start reading this book, will you read the book that I got you while I read mine?"

Your comment about not being the minority in the situation made me cringe. This attitude will be what ends your relationship and cause you a lot of problems in other areas of your life. You're thinking like a victim. Stop.


While I see what you are saying...there is an aspect of our relationship that I did not fully disclose. She has Lupus and is sick quite often. I take care of her when she is sick, and go above and beyond what my senses would typically allow. I grin & bear it. I have read so many books and journal articles about Lupus in order to help her deal with and in order to understand (somewhat) of what she goes through.

I really don't think I'm asking too much of her to read my book, and be understanding. :(


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


Zinia
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 344

14 May 2012, 8:45 pm

If I was her, I would be upset with you. These are my suggestions:

IMO, the best thing is for you to listen to her feelings about this. And to validate them. Of course she would want her cousin to stay with you! Her cousin is down and out...

But you can also explain your own feelings.

Just the fact that you're thinking about this shows that you care for her feelings, but she might not know that unless you tell her.

It sounds like she is already being understanding of you, by not pressing this any more. But still, let her know you care about her feelings about her cousin, but that you just can't commit to having her cousin live with you.

I could make a case for why the cousin should come and live with you, but that's not the point. The point is that both you and your gf need to be happy, so you both need to accept and validate the other's feelings. Don't be upset with her for suggesting that her cousin stay with you. She probably thought of it as an emergency, but she backed down about it so that suggests to me that she does see your point of view and care about you.



Zinia
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 22 Sep 2011
Age: 41
Gender: Female
Posts: 344

14 May 2012, 8:50 pm

Also, I'm confused. I thought I read that the cousin was fleeing from domestic violence? Did I just pull that out of thin air?

Anyway, I commend you for speaking about your feelings here. I think your GF deserves to know your feelings about this--including your obvious care for her and her own feelings.



Rascal77s
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 12 Nov 2011
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,725

14 May 2012, 9:13 pm

zombiegirl2010 wrote:
While I see what you are saying...there is an aspect of our relationship that I did not fully disclose. She has Lupus and is sick quite often. I take care of her when she is sick, and go above and beyond what my senses would typically allow. I grin & bear it. I have read so many books and journal articles about Lupus in order to help her deal with and in order to understand (somewhat) of what she goes through.

I really don't think I'm asking too much of her to read my book, and be understanding. :(


That's why it's hard getting advice on a forum. I asked if you've read relationship books and you said no. But this ^ adds a whole new dimension to the situation doesn't it. Does her being sick quite often affect her reading the book? I don't know s**t about lupus so I'm bowing out of this conversation :)



zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 9:25 pm

Rascal77s wrote:
zombiegirl2010 wrote:
While I see what you are saying...there is an aspect of our relationship that I did not fully disclose. She has Lupus and is sick quite often. I take care of her when she is sick, and go above and beyond what my senses would typically allow. I grin & bear it. I have read so many books and journal articles about Lupus in order to help her deal with and in order to understand (somewhat) of what she goes through.

I really don't think I'm asking too much of her to read my book, and be understanding. :(


That's why it's hard getting advice on a forum. I asked if you've read relationship books and you said no. But this ^ adds a whole new dimension to the situation doesn't it. Does her being sick quite often affect her reading the book? I don't know sh** about lupus so I'm bowing out of this conversation :)


lol I appreciate the advice either way.

Well, some times Lupus makes her so sick she can only lay in bed. Some times that is too sick to read, and some times not...just depends.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 9:27 pm

Zinia wrote:
Also, I'm confused. I thought I read that the cousin was fleeing from domestic violence? Did I just pull that out of thin air?

Anyway, I commend you for speaking about your feelings here. I think your GF deserves to know your feelings about this--including your obvious care for her and her own feelings.


Yeah, she is fleeing domestic abuse. It is my opinion that if she truly wanted out of the situation, she could bring her and her children to a domestic abuse/women's shelter where she lives...no need in driving hundreds of miles to stay with a cousin. I may be wrong in that opinion, I don't know...


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie


zombiegirl2010
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 20 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 273
Location: edge of sanity and bliss

14 May 2012, 9:29 pm

Zinia wrote:
If I was her, I would be upset with you. These are my suggestions:

IMO, the best thing is for you to listen to her feelings about this. And to validate them. Of course she would want her cousin to stay with you! Her cousin is down and out...

But you can also explain your own feelings.

Just the fact that you're thinking about this shows that you care for her feelings, but she might not know that unless you tell her.

It sounds like she is already being understanding of you, by not pressing this any more. But still, let her know you care about her feelings about her cousin, but that you just can't commit to having her cousin live with you.

I could make a case for why the cousin should come and live with you, but that's not the point. The point is that both you and your gf need to be happy, so you both need to accept and validate the other's feelings. Don't be upset with her for suggesting that her cousin stay with you. She probably thought of it as an emergency, but she backed down about it so that suggests to me that she does see your point of view and care about you.


I do care about her feelings, but quite honestly I do not care about her cousin.

yes, she has been pretty understanding in not pressing the issue with me. I do realize that.


_________________
Your Aspie score: 193 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 7 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie