Is it possible for people with Aspergers to be abusive?

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Anyone can be abusive.



Also another reason why someone may stay in an abusive relationship is because they may not realize they are being abused. There is emotional manipulation involved and abuse is also like a spectrum. It doesn't always have to be with beating someone or slapping them, not like you see on TV about domestic abuse. Plus there is emotional abuse. Sometimes women don't realize there is abuse until they read about it and notice their partner has some of the signs. But unfortunately it's very common for anyone to make excuses for their partners like "Oh I just provoked him" "Oh I was just pushing him and I was upsetting him so I made him snap" "Oh he is just too worried about..." "Oh he is just paranoid is all" "Oh he just happens to be honest so he isn't saying it to be hurtful and make me feel bad" and they may also think "he is a good guy because..." ignoring the bad stuff. Of course women can also be abusive and men can also make excuses for their wives/girlfriends.

People will defend their partners and spouses and think of great things about them to continue to think they are not bad people. So when I see someone online talk about what a jerk their partner is or how abusive they are and then backpedal saying "He is a great guy because...." I don't buy it. Abusive people can have good qualities in them and it won't change a thing about if they are abusive or not. I will think their partner is bad and they are just defending them because it's very common. A man can beat his wife and be a wonderful father so his kids so the wife can be online talking about how he calls her names and puts her down and sometimes slaps her when he is mad and then people tell her how bad her husband is and what an ass he is and how she should get out of there and leave with the kids. Then she defends him saying what a great guy he is because he cooks her food and is very good with the kids and helps with their homework and takes them to their games and does work around the house. Nope not buying it because him doing all those wonderful things does not make him not abusive just because of those good qualities.

Anybody can be abusive. It can range from anything to low empathy. low self-esteem, control issues and various mental problems. Don't forget there's different kinds of abuse as well, physical, emotional and neglect.

People with Aspergers can be abusive - but anybody can be abusive.

I thought NTs were these ''social experts'' who never believed the wrong side of things because they are excellent with reading body language and weren't vulnerable because of it?

when i was in the army i worked for several NCOs/officers who definitely had strong AS traits at least, who were abusive [name-calling/browbeating/physical threats et al]. american gov't service seems to attract such folk, unfortunately.

Hell, yeah. There's a bullying situation in our as group right now

too bad somebody there can't just flatten 'em and be done with it.

Relevant to the "afraid that if they leave, their partner will come after them" a lot of women are murdered shortly after leaving their abusive partners. Staying in an abusive relationship is sometimes a matter of survival.

What I know came from reading Turner and Kowalski and Ballastexistenz after the fact. I'd never been to the Autism Hub, and of course once I read those, I didn't have any particular desire to start then.

My ability to detect such things is somewhat variable. I know a list of red flags in terms of phrasing and specific words, as well as particular topics, and I do respond to those. I know when I was in an abusive relationship I didn't know it was abusive until I found a pamphlet on domestic violence and it described so much of what I was going through. But that's not something particular to autistic people, as NTs can be just as oblivious in a similar situation.

People with Aspergers can certainly be abusive. Abusers come from all walks of life, all social classes, races, genders. People of all neurologies can be abusive.

What you have described would be categorized as rape in the UK. Please suggest to your friend that she contacts a domestic abuse charity. It doesn't matter if they aren't living together, or haven't been together very long it is still abuse. With support she could extricate herself from the situation before it gets any worse.

Aspies can definitely be like that as well depending on what kind of traits you have. Actually I find that Aspies tend to be a bit more vulnerable than neurotypicals in general. Also, some Aspies are okay at reading body language, I know that I'm pretty good at it.

Some entirely different perspectives:
How do you know that it is real abuse (and why do you know such intimate details about them)? Maybe you just know half of the story. Maybe it is voluntary, maybe it didn't happen that way at all. Any 24/7 BDSM relationship can possibly be indistinguishable from real abuse. Any story told by a person with BPD can be entirely indistinguishable from real events. BPD people usually keep multiple social environments where they give off entirely different images of themselves. A lot of doctors might not be competent enough to distinguish BPD from AS/HFA if the person doesn't cut themself. Aspies are easy targets of BPD manipulation because they cannot really understand the social mechanics which lead to a manipulated view of reality in other people.

Anyone can be abusive, including those who we believe to be the victim.


Personally, I feel that romantic relationships are way too complicated and I also recognise that normal life has been effectively abuse to me (and only me) emotionally during my childhood and adolescence, without any actual abuse occuring. I believe this to be the case with the majority of people with autism who are raised by normal NT mothers in normal NT schools, with normal relatives, etc. All that stress and helplessness more or less desensitised me against any emotional experience, just because they are blown so much out of proportion by things that went against my specific difficulties.
Maybe I just subconsciously want to somehow reenact what I experienced when I was younger in a relationship, maybe I just want things to be cut clear, easy and unambiguously noticeable. Whatever the reasons are, emotionally I feel myself drawn to be in such an 'abusive' relationship, no matter in which position. Unfortunately this attitude mostly attracts people with BPD who seek to construct and punish their own abuser in a relationship.
I don't see this emotional need as a requirement though, as I am a very rational person usually. But romantic relationships are ment to be emotional and it is just there.

Would be interesting to know if such tendencies exist in other people with AS/HFA.

I see what you did there.

Yeah, most of the stories I've heard were unintentional verbal abuse. Most of the time, Aspies try to put on a happy face, but when they get angry, they let the emotions control them to the point of being very abusive. I confess I had to stop talking a certain way after saying some things that made a couple of girls cry in my life.

When I get angry, I usually say things like "stop talking to me" and "leave me the f**k alone."

I can read body language too.

I admit I sometimes do get abusive because of the stress I am under and the anxiety, the meltdowns. Plus I tend to say very hurtful things when I am mad and then I have no memory of it. I do think conditions out there can cause someone to be abusive.