Husband with possible undiagnosed Aspergers - how do I help?

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Thanks for all the replies. We both work and we earn roughly the same amount, though I work slightly fewer hours so have more time at home than he does. (I still work 5 days but I'm home at 4.30 rather than 6.00). I don't mind doing the lion's share of the housework/childcare so long as I can do it my way. I get annoyed when he wants me to do it to his standards, which in my opinion are OTT but to him, anything else is not hygienic. To him, everything has to be spotless at all times. To me, that's just not practical when I work 30 hours and we have 2 young children. Tidy and given a thorough clean once a week is enough for me. I have suggested he do the housework if it bothers him so much but here rigid thinking kicks in and it's 'the woman's job'.

On the one hand I guess I'm kind of relieved my suspicion he has AS hasn't been laughed out of court so I might be on the right track. (I'm not entirely a layperson, I work with children with all kinds of learning difficulties and many of them have AS. I do try to use the techniques on him that help them but I guess he is just that much more entrenched.)

I often think he's acting like a teenager - maybe he emotionally really is. He certainly has the sulky look down pat...

I did try to get through to him again last night. (It feels, to me, like trying to speak to someone through the wall into a soundproofed room.) I said that the way he was approaching the situation made it feel to me like he was attacking me and so I got defensive. If he had asked me nicely to buy a new one, I might have done it but if he's going to say 'it's all your fault and if you don't do what I want, I'm not going to eat', then I won't. He looked at me like I was speaking a foreign language, I guess to him I was. I suggested we try to find some kind of compromise because his way is just making him angry and miserable and hungry and it's upsetting the children. His response was 'You suggest something and I'll consider it.' I pointed out that was still putting the responsibility on me when it should be shared and he ignored me and went to bed.

Can someone explain the logic behind not eating because you don't have a full set of sandwich boxes? I can kind of understand being distressed by not having a full set of something and not wanting to eat from something that isn't part of a full set, even though to me the logic is not logical. But I don't see at all how he gets from there to not eating at all.

Something just occurred to me that kind of validates what's been said.

He never had a job before he met me. When he met me, he was 27 and on the dole having dropped out of a PhD because he didn't get the results to the experiment that he wanted to. He had a Masters in Physics. He didn't appear to really be looking for work. I suggested he temp to get some money as that had always been what I had done if I was out of work. He lived alone in a very small room in a not very nice shared house. He had had one previous girlfriend when he was 24 for six months. He only ate vegetable curry. He had some friends through LARP but when we moved to another area, he didn't keep in touch with them. I don't think he ever contacted them between LARP sessions to be honest. He hasn't made any new friends. Some of my friends' husbands have invited him out but he doesn't want to go.

I basically nagged him into temping and from the temping he eventually got a full time job in finance and then I nagged him into applying to the place he works now. It is a good place to work for him because it is very science based, he can use his intelligence and aptitude for Physics and he earns a good wage. He loves his job - it's very black and white and he doesn't need social skills. But honestly and truly I think he'd still be on the dole if I hadn't nagged him.

So now he has a good job, we have a nice house, he is married with kids and a mortgage, his eating tastes have widened although he is still a 'fussy eater' ... but in some ways he's still the student in his poky room avoiding the world.

I don't think he thinks he is lucky to have me!

I suggested a solution. I suggested we go together to the store, I buy a new set of sandwich boxes and he buy some ant bait which we also need.

He said what about the flour. I said what flour. He said the flour he used to make the bread he 'had to' throw away. I apparently have to replace that too. He bought it from a shop near my parents' house which is an hour and a half's drive away. I said no, I'm not driving an hour and a half to replace the flour because you chose to throw the bread away. He said then no, he won't do my suggestion and anyway he is too low on energy to drive. I pointed out he was only low on energy because he was choosing not to eat. He then swore at me in front of the kids and told me to leave him alone because he had nothing to say to me till I replaced the boxes and flour.

Is he seriously going to keep this up? He could make himself ill if it goes on long enough.

It's all well and good to say he has to learn to manage his own disability--but remember, guys, that assumes he knows how to do so. By all indications, he doesn't, and will have to learn.

Dallandra, don't assume that he "obviously" knows how to manage his problems. He likely doesn't.

Can he drive? If so, I suggest you give him the keys to the car and tell him to go shopping for himself. He may get mad; don't get mad back at him, because that will only make it worse. Shopping can actually be pretty difficult for an autistic person; but he lived on his own before, so we know he can do that. The point you're trying to make is that he can fend for himself--he doesn't need you to do things for him. In fact, the best thing you can do for him is to drive that point home at every opportunity: He is capable; he can be independent; he does not need to be taken care of; he can learn new things. You're his wife, not his mother; a disability doesn't change that. Don't try to guilt-trip him about not doing things for himself. With his past, it's natural that he shouldn't know that he is even capable of that. Instead, appeal to his ego--whatever he has left of it after being treated like a baby by his parents for so long--and tell him that he is good at solving problems (he is! he's got a physics degree, for heaven's sake!) and he can find ways to deal with his own quirks without having to get others to do things for him. You probably admire a lot of things about him; mention those things. If he can learn that he is not helpless, that he can manage his own problems, then he'll have made a lot of headway.

OK well we seem to have found a solution to this particular meltdown and he actually came up with it himself, which I'm somewhat in shock about. Normally the meltdowns either end with me giving in or with a very gradual thawing.

After he'd blown out my first proposed compromise, I came back with another one which he also blew out of the water. He said he couldn't eat until next weekend now even if I did buy the sandwich boxes, it was 'not possible' because he hadn't had breakfast and he needs to eat three full meals both days of the weekend before he'll eat again. I told him that not eating for two weeks would make him ill and was a very bad idea. He said that was his problem and I said no because it impacts on all of us. Then I just went back to the kids because I was getting angry.

About ten minutes later, he came in and he suggested he eat breakfast then and I go out and get the sandwich boxes but then he would get the flour this afternoon. This was such a huge shift that even though I wasn't too happy about getting the sandwich boxes, I agreed.

So he's eaten three meals now and I can tell the meltdown is thawed because he keeps asking me if I'm okay, that's always his peace offering.

Thanks for all the advice.

The store no longer did the original set so I had to get a different set but I got two so we had a spare. I could see he wasn't 100% happy it wasn't the same set but he didn't make a big deal about it.

It wasn't all plain sailing though. When we agreed on a solution, he seemed to think 'sorted' and didn't understand that I was still upset about the whole thing and needed time to calm down, couldn't do it instantaneously. He can read my expression enough to know when I'm upset (he doesn't pick up most other emotions unless I make it obvious but I guess he has learnt this one through experience) and so he asked 'what's wrong?' and seemed really surprised when I said I was still upset. He asked why and seemed to take it as a personal insult that I wasn't happy. I tried to explain that I had been upset by the whole situation and it would take me time to calm down because it had all felt like a personal attack. He said 'It wasn't' and I said 'Maybe not but it felt like it' and that seemed to confuse him but he went off to tend to his chilli plants (his current special interest) and that seemed to calm him as he was okay when he came back.

That's really good! Make sure you inform him that his finding a solution himself is a good thing. His going to tend the chili plants is a great coping strategy too; an upset Aspie can often calm down easily after being alone with a special interest. It's very calming.

BTW, as for your still being angry--You could explain to him that your emotions tend to decrease gradually, so that if you are upset, you don't suddenly stop being upset even if the cause is no longer there; you have to wait for emotions to die down on their own. Kind of like trying to stop a car--you can hit the brakes, but it's still going to travel a little way before it stops completely. Perhaps you could make an agreement that after you two have argued, you will both calm down before you interact again?

I don't know if he understands that people are often upset about things that are no one's fault, or are upset about a situation without hating the people involved. That's probably an important fact--that he knows that it's possible for you to just be upset or angry, period. Sometimes, like in a situation like this, both of you will be bothered by basically the same thing--he by the upheaval of routine, you because he's upset.

I'm not sure what group he falls into, but some autistics (me included) just don't "catch" other people's emotions. I feel quite uncomfortable and out of place in a cheering crowd or at a funeral, because I don't feel what the other people are feeling. Doesn't mean I don't have empathy; just that I don't copy other people's emotions (for example--I will be sad about someone's death; but I won't be any sadder just because I'm with other people who are also sad.) If he doesn't mirror other people's emotions, he may not understand that you probably do, and may not know that his being upset tends to make you upset simply because you are nearby. So a situation that troubles him will also trouble you, because you're his spouse and you're near him.

Just wanted to say thanks to all for advice, it really helped. I will stick around, I think and see if I can offer another NT perspective where needed! (According to the Aspie test, I am 24/200 Aspie and 176 NT, so I think that's quite categorical! I think most of the Aspie traits were down to my coordination not being good.)

I am sure I will be back to borrow your Aspie glasses during another meltdown at some point. I try to see things from his perspective but sometimes I really, really can't see where he's coming from.

Btw it's our wedding anniversary today - 6 years and been together 9 years - so there's hope for those of you who were worrying about relationships. We also have two children (girls) who at 5 and 3 show no signs of any AS traits, although the 5yo is a little 'sensitive'.

You are so right Vanhalenkurtz and wise for your years! My probably aspie husband could not control his meltdowns in front of the children and is now moving into a small apartment, is not happy about, wants me to be responsible for him furnishing it, yet opposes all my ideas.

after my (8 year old) daughter and I spent at least 7 hours (on 2 consecutive saturdays) at a furniture store with him, he canceled the furniture order because it did not arrive within the window promised. now he asks me what plan B is? there is no plan B. i just cannot endure the wasted time accrued from catering to his needs. i cannot go back the drawing board!

somebody put it very well in the discussion about the lunch containers - yes, accepting furniture from a store that delivers outside the promised window feels like "the dump" to him, but it is his responsible not to dump on others - if it feels like the dump and requires massive investments of time and energy to make it right, he cannot expect others to endure it.