The Stigma Of The A Word

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I actually dislike labeling myself as an "Aspie" or describing myself as having "Asperger's Syndrome." I tend to simply refer to myself as "autistic" because I think people have expectations about AS being mild and not causing "real" problems.

I also find the negativity directed toward intellectual disability to be quite reprehensible. The problem with being called "ret*d" is not so much whether it is factually incorrect or not. If my objection is "I'm not ret*d" (and it was in the past) then am I endorsing that it's okay to insult people who do have intellectual disabilities? I'd rather not. So the problem is not that I personally have been called "ret*d." The problem is that it is a slur people use to put others down at all.

I was at the mall a few weeks back. A young woman who was obviously "ret*d" came up to me and started talking. We chatted for awhile (she mostly wanted to know who I was and what I was doing), and then, before she went to back to her parents, she gave me a big hug and yelled, "Bye, buddy!! !"

She was nice. She treated me a lot better than many "normal people."

I mind that "ret*d people are considered "lesser" in our society. I mind that "ret*d" is used as a common insult. I do not mind being lumped in with "ret*d people."

Anyway.......

I usually don't bother telling people I have a disability (I "look normal" after all), but, when I do, I usually say "Aspergers." I don't have any objections to calling myself "autistic," and I don't avoid using the label out of pride, but I've noticed that many people have expectations about "autistic people" that I don't meet. This is especially true of parents of autistic children. Since I can talk and have a job, they want to know where I get off calling myself "autistic" when their child still wears a diaper at six, can barely talk, and regularly destroys their house.

Hell, my own mother doesn't believe I have autism because "autistic children" have major conduct problems, and I was such a "good" child who also got "good" grades. Apparently, you can't have a disorder if you were well-behaved and got decent marks in school.

I blow off a lot of what NT parents say when they start getting into the whole competition about how their young child is more severe than adult you.

I also do not think that misbehavior of that scale is required to be autistic. My understanding is that, for example, Temple Grandin was fairly well-behaved as a child. She did do some stuff, but not to the extent that others do. I think there are so many factors that play a role, though, that it's just wrong to insist that the category of "autistic" requires one to get poor grades and be poorly behaved.

(and I think a lot of those behaviors are not misbehavior, but due to sensory issues, meltdowns, etc.)

I was fairly well-behaved as a child, although I got terrible marks in school. This doesn't seem to prevent me from being impaired in some fairly autistic ways.

A lot of those "horrible autistic behaviors" are moar like eggspressions of frustration from all the farking up that autistic kids start getting as soon as they are diagnosed with that Big Bad Autismism.

So what you're saying is, its not the hardware, its the wiring. =)

Sadly, I dont think thats going to remove the stigma.



This is exactly what I meant. Thanks



Yeah, and thats one of the things you can tell yourself. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. Sometimes it even makes things worse. I know some AS are completely socially disconnected, and dont even think anything of it. But since it is a spectrum, theres still many out there that feel like they need that connection. When you think about it... ...we're all on a public forum, communicating with each other. Sure, its much much easier here than in the real world, but if we didnt have that desire to connect socially, would you or I be on here?



Well, one thing I noticed during my research was that they kept claiming that people with AS lacked empathy. And maybe somewhere on the spectrum, some do. But I have read many threads on here. Seems to me that its the complete opposite. You wouldnt ever call someone a "ret*d," would you? And why not? Yet the so called "NTs" are the ones who use the term. In fact, one thing that bothers me the most about the word is the "R-Word" crowd. So many times I have seen them claim that you shouldnt use the "r word" even in regards to inanimate objects (even electronics which are performing slowly)... ...then they turn around and make fun of YOUR intelligence. Oh, so its wrong because it might offend someone who is obviously mentally slow (which is what ret*d means) and who isnt even in the room, but perfectly fine to insult others who may not be so obvious. Im sure we've all been exposed to these "special" children at some point in our lives. Have you ever noticed that the very people who made fun of you wouldnt dare make fun of them? Society has made these people off limits. You dare insult one of them, you will instantly be shunned away without trial. Sad thing is... ...you can only be called ret*d so many times before you start to believe them.

This was what I meant when I was replying to surfman on the other page. Since to many, autism=retardation, if you claim you are autistic, and suddenly your bullies are now nice to you, theres a good chance they are doing so simply because to them, youve put yourself in that "disabled" group, even if it may or not be a disability. Otherwise, theyre leaving you alone because who wants to make fun of someone who agrees with every insult you throw at them.

I wouldn't be surprised if you were exactly right about that. I see videos from documentaries, ads and all the other crap there is out there, and parents talk about their autistic kids right in front of them and say terrible things. It's like they really believe their kids are too dumb, mentally challenged, or oblivious to hear what they're saying! No matter how much they read and research about autism, all they hear is, "this magic pill/gas chamber/special diet/prayer system is going to heal your child! Hallelujah!" and NOTHING about the fact that autism isn't the same thing as "deaf" or "stupid". I bet there are hundreds of thousands of non-verbal or mostly non-verbal autistic people all over the place who have to hear their own parents say terrible things about them every single day. I'd flip my s**t in rage and frustration, too!

There's also the 20, 30, 40 hours per week spent with various therapists, eggspecially ABA therapists. Looking back at myself at age three, four, five, six, seven, I couldn't have survived that without eggspressing some major frustrations. I would have been in a constant state of meltdown or shutdown and not been able to learn anything to develop my brrrainzzz. I am so glad that I eggscaped all that.

This is at least partially what I was trying to say, I am sorry if it came across badly.

I learned a lot about autism "therapies" this summer, working at an autism non-profit. I didn't know a lot about them before, but now I know that they are horrible, and the less "high-functioning" the kids are, the moar horrible for the kids. I also discovered the pervasive "your child is mentally ret*d and will never learn anything evar evar evar" so-called professional opinion of the so-called professionals. Hate Hate Hate.

In the ninth grade I had a huge fight with my friend. She called me "socially ret*d" and stormed off. I didn't discover I was HFA until my mid-20s. I'm 32 and her words still sting. I'm terrified of being considered "ret*d" or "disabled" or whatever you want to call it; whatever my peers told me, I was raised to believe I was the "cream of the crop"; I got great grades in school and always impressed the grown-ups. But autism always makes me fall flat on my face when I take on challenges designed for NTs. And even though being autistic makes my life a lot harder, and I'd probably take a "cure" if I could get my hands on one, I think there's nothing inherently wrong with the way that I am. For example, I think there's more long-term value in thinking the way I do. I pay attention to different things. I see enough of the big picture, for example, to know how urgently, desperately important it is that humanity gets off this rock and colonizes something else. I've always paid attention to something other than what everyone else thought was important. They think I'm a space cadet. I think they're hopelessly wrapped up in shallow, self-centered BS. But I'd still rather be like them because most of them are blissfully ignorant of that fact, and life is easier to manage for them. And no one is ever going to listen to me if I rant about space travel. So maybe none of our pride matters. Perception is reality. We're in the minority, and it would be easier to be like them. Autism hinders us, does it not? By definition that makes it a disability. So maybe they're right to treat us like ret*ds, and there's nothing we can do about it. Maybe my friend was right.

Autism being a disability does not mean that anyone is right to abuse us. Having a disability is not an inherently bad thing. It's a part of the spectrum of being human.

I had much the same experience with a friend calling me: "autistic", "Socially ret*d", "A social cripple", "Rainman" and other wonderful things when I was in my late teens and twenties. The thing was that I was not diagnosed with any form of autism and knew not what it truly meant. Now that I do, I agree with the autism label but not the hateful way in which it was used as a term of derision by my so-called friend. Just because I may be autistic does not give anyone the right to treat me poorly. Just because I am a bit odd does not make me any less human. I had to find my sense of value though, and that took me many years to do. I learned that no one gives anyone respect unless they demand it. As soon as I started doing that, things started changing for the better. As for the "friend" who treated me with nonstop disrespect? Well, I decided that cutting him out of my life was the first step in changing my self-esteem for the better. This was hard for me as I am very loyal to people, but I realized that it had to be done, so I did it.

To me, being in the dark about my autism, right up to my 47 year, was by far, way more horrible than having a label of autism stamped on my forehead

It was like a sexual disorientation. After learning of aspergers, I was able to throw off the garments of neurotypicality and step out into the light of my truth......

Surfman became Surfwoman.... and was finally herself.

Not having to pretend to be something I wasnt, or trying to fit in and failing, has been a real freedom for me.

I'm so happy with the stigma I could cry.

If only I could have arrived here sooner

I think this is the crux of the problem for people/kids with milder forms of autism (whether classic or AS). I think there are people out there who have an internal drive to bully, but I think in today's society, overt bullying is becoming taboo (a good thing). But that doesn't remove some people's desire to bully, nor the feelings of superiority they derive from it. I think this leaves people like my son with huge targets on them. My son is a smart, articulate, attractive kid. So, upon first impression, there is no way he appears impaired or disabled. And sometimes I don't even think adults really pick it up. But the kids...the kids sure the h*ll do. And the bullies can be merciless, and the kids who would normally step in and protect an obviously impaired kid stand back and watch. Probably because they are afraid to do otherwise. And my son's impairments leave him very vulnerable. He is so naive. He has a hard time figuring intentions. His interests are about 2 years younger than his peers. And because he is not obviously impaired, there is no taboo against bullying him, and society's response seems to be that he needs to toughen up. Not fair.

It's funny, though. Not "ha ha" funny. The other kind of funny. In conversations like this I often pick up another form of subtle...well....not bullying, really....but maybe dismissal of another person's experience due to the assumption that yours is superior.

Some people, upon realizing that they will never "fit in" respond by feeling depressed. They recognize that the "problem" isn't with "the rest of the world," but with them.

Some people, upon realizing that they will never "fit in" respond by disavowing the group they will never fit in with. They determine that the "problem" was never with them to begin with, it was with "the rest of the world" for not changing to accommodate them.

I can understand how someone would come to either conclusion. I think that both conclusions are valid based on a person's underlying personality, beliefs, and values. I do not think one response is "better" than the other, and I see both responses as having definite drawbacks.

What I find interesting is that people who respond in the former way are often then further....can't pull the word that belongs here...like ostracized but not quite...by the later group because the later group seems to believe their "way" of dealing with it is superior in some way; that everyone should just shun society as a whole and blame society for everything.

That makes me want to step forward and shield the people who feel depressed for some reason. It makes me feel protective because I don't think they need to be further told that they are wrong for feeling depressed. It's not that I feel that they have something to be depressed about; it's more that I am sensitive to them feeling even more depressed because they don't respond the way the people in the later group have responded.

Rambling. Sorry.

Its not really something I tell myself...I don't fit into mainstream society and due to my experiences with it I don't even want to. Of course I want to connect with people but people who actually can kind of understand my point of view and don't judge me for my differences or whatever. I mean I cannot live up to what typical people think I should and such people tend to look down on me so why should I want to fit in with them? Since when does having a desire to socialize=wanting to assimilate to mainstream society?

Sweetleaf, it doesn't. There's more to the world than mainstream society. You do not have to "fit in" to connect with other people. A confident weirdo will even be more accepted than a neurotic person who is constantly checking to make sure they're acting normal enough. We have to learn that other people's opinions of us do not determine our worth.

Fact is, even if we could act completely normal and fit in whenever we wanted to, most of us would be bored to tears by "mainstream society". We are simply not in the average range. We need to interact with the kind of people we actually find interesting--not the kind of people that the world says are worthwhile to interact with. Much of the time, that means other people who are also atypical in some way, or at least people who share our intense interests.

Trying to be normal wouldn't make us happy even if we could do it perfectly. It's only in being yourself, unapologetically, and connecting your real self to the people you actually find interesting to be with, that you will find satisfying social interaction.