Question about Eye Contact - from a NT

Post Reply New Topic

^This for me too. Precisely.

I've tried eye contact a few times but I always miss what the other person's saying because I'm not lip reading at the same time.

I've become so good at lipreading, though, that I can watch the TV without the sound on and have a pretty good idea of what's going on. Not that it's come in handy a lot, but I still think it's pretty cool.

And I would by far prefer the other person to feel comfortable when talking with me, rather than having to remind themselves where they should look etc. It just makes things more awkward and then I feel even less comfortable myself. Just relax and do whatever, I say.

I also have very poor vision. I am at the line above legally blind. So if I have no glasses on, I cant see ANYTHING, which makes people even harder to understand, so I pretty much live with them glued to my face but not literally glued, just like I wear them all the time, fall asleep with them on sometimes. So having poor vision and horrid linguistic processing skills I miss out a lot of cues and stuff in conversation, eye contact just makes conversations even harder to follow but there is always pressure because eye contact seems to be expected.

Not caring whether an autistic is looking at you or not will probably make things easier on both parties.

Eye contact doesn't make me horribly uncomfortable. It's more like it just takes too much effort and detracts from my train of thought. I notice a lot of NT's will break eye contact whenever they need to retrieve information or deliberate over something. It's possible the phenomenon is the same for "Aspies", just at a much lower threshold. Communication may just take up a greater portion of our mental "bandwidth" than it does for an NT, thus the channels are more restricted.

I'd also point out that when there's emotional energy behind whatever it is I'm trying to communicate I don't have any issues with eye contact. If I'm really upset or ticked off I can pierce into people with my eyes. Of course such interactions are incredibly draining so I'll have to leave at a certain point. It's ordinary mundane conversation where I find myself staring off into space the majority of the time.

Use eye contact, but not like staring. You don't want to scare them or make them uncomfortable.

As an aspie, I don't people making eye contact as long as they don't give me that "staring into your soul" feeling xD

For me, I really don't care if you make eye contact with me or not. Just understand that I will not be likely to reciprocate it all that well if at all. If you demand I give you eye contact then I would become uncomfortable. I am not someone who expects everyone in the world to be just like me or act like I do. I just expect them to let me be me and try to get to know me a little before forming an opinion about who I am.

Speaking for myself, I wouldn't care what you did, as long as you didn't force me to make eye contact.

I find it uncomfortable because it is so intense. Eye contact, to me, is almost as intimate and intense as sex. Having it expected would be, for you, like people expecting you to take off your clothes, lie down, and let them do whatever they pleased with your body. No matter how much they like sex, most people are only going to want to have it under very specific conditions. (The analogy isn't perfect, but it's the best I can think of. To explain my experience, at least.)

It is also very distracting. If you want me to pay attention to what you're saying, then I'd better not be making eye contact, because that would in effect shut off the audio track - or, more precisely, tune it down to that vague, incomprehensible mumble that signifies adult speech in the Peanuts cartoons on TV.

This is me exactly. It seems that when someone I know well is talking TO me, I can look at them directly at least for a few seconds. But when I'm the one talking, I tend to only glance at them occasionally, while I'm mostly looking around the room trying to gather my thoughts or, as you say, trying to concentrate. At least I hope that I understood your post correctly.

I think understanding that they may be uncomfortable making eye contact for long periods of time is the best thing you can do initially.

Three reasons for me.

One, I can never tell what an appropriate amount of eye contact is so if I try to maintain eye contact I stare and it freaks people out more than lack of eye contact.

Two, I already have a hard time with back and forth conversation, if I add eye contact it's more load on my brain and I get more out of synch.

Three, I'm attracted to noise, motion, and lights. Any of those things in my peripheral vision will cause me to turn my head.

My eye contact is poor in 2 way conversation but I stare when listening to a lecture in class. Either way, it just doesn't occur to me right away that I'm doing it. Any kind of social interaction is a lot of work for me, it just doesn't come natural.

Oddly, my eye contact is much better after smoking marijuana.

Oh almost forgot. If the person you are talking to has told you they have Aspergers they best thing to do would be to tell them not to worry about eye contact because it doesn't bother you. Take that piece of anxiety out of the equation. If it's someone you suspect but it's not out in the open just look away occasionally while you talk that way they'll feel less pressure to make eye contact.

I can't speak for others, but...since I make almost no eye contact to begin with, I wouldn't care where you look, because I wouldn't notice, anyway. I'd say don't set the expectation that the other person is going to look you in the eye, and don't be insulted by a lack of eye contact.

I find it more comfortable if someone stands or sits next to me and just looks forward as they talk, rather than at me. It's less intense and less confrontational too, which is something else I struggle with.

When I do that, I just stare at nothing, and make little to no eye contact anymore at all.

Whenever I would look someone in the eye when talking it feels like I get sucked in or something, after a while the only thing I can think of is the eye contact, and I totally miss what that person is saying. Looking at the lips is much better, since both the voice and lips are in harmony and that seems to keep me focused a lot better.

It's very annoying if a person demands more eye contact, or points out the lack of eye contact I make. I do hear what the person is saying, even when sometimes I stare into a completely different direction than the person is even standing.

Since we're sort of on the subject, what's the difference between making eye contact and staring at someone's eyes?

As long as you're not staring intently into their eyes unblinkingly, I would agree with others who say just be yourself. Speaking for myself, I find it incredibly difficult to think about what I have to say if I'm looking at someone's eyes, I actually need to be facing away from them and to remember in like a photographic image way the stuff I need to say. So where they are looking when I'm doing that doesn't matter. I'm far more conscious when I'm listening to someone of whether I'm looking appropriately, to be focussed on how they're looking at me, of course unless as I said you are doing so in a staring way.

If it was me it probably wouldn't matter too much, because even if you were trying to make eye contact I might not notice. Still, like Patchwork said, talking to someone who is to the side of me is more relaxing because the whole issue is avoided. In general, I just wish NTs just wouldn't read anything into my lack of eye contact.

It's primarily uncomfortable for me because I can't really seem to process the two kinds of communication at once. The more important the topic of the conversation is, or the more thought I have to put into listening and putting words together, the less eye contact I will make. I'm also self-conscious about this: when I'm focused on something verbal, my mind is just not "there" in my eyes. I know from experience that if I did continue to make eye contact, it would be a blank stare and people would find me creepy. I also don't make eye contact with people I know well, because at that point they know not to expect it. I rarely make eye contact with my husband or my mom. I would actually do so more often with a boss or a police officer, even, because I force myself to try and look normal for a little while, but it tends to interfere with my ability to put together coherent sentences, so it's a trade off.

Yeah, my take has been touched upon pretty often -- What you do doesn't really phase me, just don't get offended by my tendency to not look at you when listening/talking/etc.

Difficulties arise when people start trying to Interpret Noverbal Signals, which is a normal day-to-day thing for most people. Normally, people are attuned to look for those social signals and respond appropriately. What often stresses ME out is when people start trying to ascribe emotional states to me that I'm not experiencing. I'm not mad, shy, standoffish, or necessarily uncomfortable.

My eye contact is usually very poor. I am unlikely to notice where your eyes are so just do what you'd normally do.

I experience great discomfort with eye contact, and it often feels very threatening. Because of this making eye contact during conversation ( when speaking or listening ) completely wrecks my ability to concentrate on the content of the conversation.

I'd almost go as far to say that if I am looking at you I am probably not paying any attention to what you're saying because it's boring to me. But even then I don't usually make eye contact.

If I appear to be making eye contact I am looking at your mouth.