How do relationships work etc? Please explain

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Well, f**k.
So how do you tell the other person (once you realize it's a date) that actually you aren't interested?

Please note: I am from the UK and I am hetero so some of these answers may be applicable only to my particular culture. I will try to keep it as general as possible.

Q: How do relationships work? A: Sadly there are probably as many answers to this question as there are couples. Lots of NT people never figure relationships out.

Q: What's "going out" / "dating", etc, and the relationship between them all? A: The answer to this is dependent on your local culture and which stage of the relationship you were at. If you asked a person with whom you had never been on a date "Would you like to go out?", this would be understood as an invitation to a first date. The word "dating" is an important one because it can mean very different things to different people. Some people consider the state of "dating" to describe a pre-romantic-relationship phase in which you will go on maybe one or two dates a week with the person but have not yet decided if you wish to get more involved. To these people it might be quite normal to be "dating" several different people. Others, however, consider "dating" to be synonymous with being in a monogamous romantic relationship. It is very important to establish the other person's views on this topic because there is very serious potential for very real drama if there is a misunderstanding there.

Q: When does a couple consider each other a boyfriend/girlfriend? How are relationships initiated? A: Again this can vary. There is usually a stage in which, after going on several dates, each person has identified their mutual interest. Subtle hints or subtly probing questions may be exchanged to determine the other person's views on whether they might like to enter into a relationship. This stage might last anything from a few days to months. It's important to note that most would consider having relations with a third party at this stage to be a betrayal. Once one of the individuals has plucked up the courage then the question will usually be asked explicitly at one time or another: "Would you like to be with me?" "Do you want a relationship with me?" "Are you committed to me?" "What's going on with us?" "Will you be my boyfriend/girlfriend?". This moment can be a little awkward. As before, this *entire process* might take anything from days to months to years even. Most often it is probably a couple of months.

Q: With whom are they usually initiated? Close friends? Acquaintances? Complete strangers? A: This varies a lot. It can be any of those possibilities really. In my experience, most relationships occur when friends of friends meet one another and get along well/are attracted to each other. This part I am actually REALLY bad at and never figured out myself even. All of my relationships have started with the woman showing interest in me (I am male). Usually it is more likely to be the other way round. The male will usually show his interest in the female (by flirting, being nice to her, being *mean* to her in a special way or asking her on a date) and she will indicate whether or not the interest is reciprocated. Some people like to say no a couple of times because they enjoy the feeling of being pursued.

Q: Why are there "dates" at all? A: So that people can get to know each other and make sure they feel safe and comfortable before spending time alone together. If you were to have a person over to your house for the first time it could be dangerous or very awkward when you decide you don't enjoy their company - you would have to outright ask them to leave. So instead you go on some dates. If you aren't enjoying the date or are creeped out by the person you can make your excuses and leave. The other person doesn't know where you live and there are no real possible repercussions. In short: dates are for getting to know each other, for safety and for avoiding awkward/creepy situations.

Q: What's the relationship between the number of dates have to do with the relationship intensity? A: This varies hugely between couples. Some people meet and are IMMEDIATELY deeply involved and inseparable. Others might be at the dating (as in just going on dates, not relationship) stage for many months before even considering a relationship. Some people aren't interested in relationships at all and just like to date people and never get properly involved.

You have to tell them outright to avoid messy misunderstandings but people expect it to be sugar coated a little. "I really enjoyed our dates but I just don't think our lives are moving in the same direction" "You're a really nice person but it's become clear that we're just not each others types". It's the convention that you should usually do this in person if possible, particularly if you have been dating them for a long time (months). The exception to this is if you've just been on, say, 1-3 dates and you decide the morning after the third date you don't want to see them again you don't need to go round to their house or meet up to tell them. At that point you can call them, send them an sms or even wait for them to call you and then tell them. If the other person is acting creepy and disrespectful it's also ok to not do it in person.

Asking a forum full of Aspies how relationships work is like asking the blind to lead the blind.

Is that necessarily a bad thing? Any relationship usually starts out with people spending time together to see if they "click."
My current fiance and I started out like this. We went to book sales, and driving in the country, and to various meetups for shy people, or for people who liked board games. During those activities, we realized that we were very attracted to one another.


I am not sure, but friendships that I have had with other people started out with having coffee or a meal together, and visiting art shows or things like that. I am not sure what to do if the other person thinks it is a date when it is not.

Not really! Some Aspies on here are married and very happy! I have read their posts. Not everyone struggles with the same things in the same way.

Sorry, I was being flippant. Hence the

That's cool. I was just trying to be reassuring. I had been reading a lot of bitter posts in another forum at the time.

Lots of good thoughtful answers here. Makes me feel scattered.

I have found two books helpful:

1. Mars and Venus on a Date (John Gray) - even if you're not into the Mars/Venus stuff, the five stages of dating are wonderful - lots of detail on how relationships can evolve, and the first four stages can work for friendships and work relationships, too.

2. The Rules (plus the sequel) (Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider) - Yes, I know, these got a lot of flack when they came out, but they sure explained a lot to me, too.

I wish I'd had both these sources at least a decade earlier. They would have saved me a lot of pain and embarrassment. You will probably need to modify what they say to suit your circumstances, but at least they give you details to consider that might help with perspective.

A third book I consider to be as good as Mars and Venus on a Date (and that's research based) is Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay by Mira Kirshenbaum, that talks about how to tell when a relationship is working and when it's not, with 36 diagnostic questions. Nice and geeky!

And if you're not attracted to anyone, don't date. You might find people attractive later on in your life, once you've got other stuff figured out, first. Attraction comes from inside, not from other people's "shoulds".

If you tell them in advance it helps to neutralize that. the i.e. "I have a girlfriend and she ignores me/is a b***h/etc" thing,