People's reactions to finding out you have Asperger's...

Page 2 of 2 [ 32 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2

Joined: 6 Apr 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 1,261

29 Aug 2012, 11:18 am

I once had someone tell me I don't have it after I stated I have it. :roll: So, you've spent a few hours with me and aren't medically trained. What makes you think you know more than the trained psychiatrist?

Trekie
Blue Jay

Joined: 27 Aug 2012
Age: 43
Gender: Female
Posts: 87
Location: Denmark

29 Aug 2012, 12:07 pm

outofplace wrote:

Trekie wrote:

when i told my parents they were so weird about it. Almost like they did not belive me. My dad did not know what asperger is, so i sent him a link with some facts that i found online. I really wanted them to understand and maybe even be a little suportive,but they just dont get it.

luckely my housband reacted much better. I told him where he could find more information an he said "i dont need to read all about asperges. I kvow you, and nothing will change that." i think he read something when i was not looking, but it was very sweet.

I dont have any real friend, but since i have a outgoing social housband i have some people in my life. Most of them did not understand at all and they have been no help at all.

But i do belive in telling it like it is!

I think you are wrong in saying you have no real friends. To me, it sounds like your husband is a real friend to you and that is much more than many people have.

You are so right! thank you for waking me up

Fnord
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 6 May 2008
Gender: Male
Posts: 60,939
Location:

29 Aug 2012, 12:12 pm

Chitarra wrote:

If you've ever found yourself in this situation where people "knew" you were "weird," but then were informed that you had Asperger's, what kinds of reactions did you find yourself getting from different kinds of people in your life?

1. "You can't have AS because you don't play with fire, torture animals, or wet the bed." -- My ex-G.P.

2. "You are possessed by a demon. Get thee behind me!" -- A religious stranger.

These two reactions led me to decide to never 'come out' to my family, friends, or co-workers. Let them think that I'm just an eccentric old man.

LonelyLoner
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 27 Aug 2012
Age: 35
Gender: Female
Posts: 73
Location: right there

29 Aug 2012, 12:39 pm

When I feel the need to tell someone I have AS, they usually ask me what is that? OR they say you do?! you don't seem like it!

It's very frustrating.

haidouk
Snowy Owl

Joined: 18 Aug 2012
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Posts: 140

29 Aug 2012, 12:42 pm

haidouk wrote:

cherrycoke wrote:

Having an argument with someone is no longer because I consider that person a total pillock, but because I have aspergers and I'm 100% at fault each time without fail.

My opinions are no longer valid, because their the output of an autistic mental process and almost by definition therefor erratic.

I can definitely identify with this as well. People will try to patronize you. I say I "don't have friends"--in the sense that I get together with people and do things with them. However I do "talk" to people--usually online, but I tend to talk a lot about things that interest me and get into conversations with people that they just have to cut off because they are never as interested in the issue as I am... At any rate I'd be lying to say that I didn't feel patronized or treated in a coddling or childlike way by some people that I've told about this.

"There, there... Are we having a bad day?" Of course this is not overtly what they say, but this is very much the sense I get sometimes. And it drives me up the wall. The thing is, this happens when there is an actual factual thing that that someone will just be WRONG about and they won't admit it--they pull this idea out to justify to themselves that they don't need to bother too much with the on-topic point I'm making. Again tremendously irritating. The thing is everyone wants to feel superior, like they are "at the top" of capacities. Since I have "a disability" they could not possibly be at fault, wrong, etc.

So from this standpoint I really agree with what this person says. However, overall I'm content that I have the diagnosis. I don't feel like it's a big secret that I should have to keep from people. I think I'm doing the right thing, and the problem is other people's own insecurities and ignorance. I think it's like of like with being gay "if people actually come out, things will change". So from that standpoint, I personally feel like I kind of have an obligation not to be "closeted" about it, because that's kind of selfish and allows ignorance to remain unchecked, in turn making life harder for other people.

Oh the other hand, ha.... If you don't tell them and you have these issues, people will make other assumptions about you anyway: "He's an as*hole." "He's uncouth." "He's aloof and conceited." "He's rude." "He's clumsy."

I look at it this way: If people are informed and some of them patronize you--at least they know... Which makes it their problem, their ignorance, their issue. If they think you're a horrible NT, it's because they don't know otherwise--because you don't want to tell them you're not. So at that point, their reactions are, kind of your own fault because they don't know any better. You're concealing very relevant factual information from them that would explain the problems they experience with you.

jetbuilder
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 23 Feb 2012
Age: 40
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,172

29 Aug 2012, 2:11 pm

I've only told 4 people about it. 2 of them have professional backgrounds in ASD and psychology. I was asked if I had AS and I didn't really know what it was so I asked a friend who is a occupational therapist and used to work with autistic kids. She said she thought for years that I may be on the spectrum. I texted someone else, who I've known since highschool, about it. He pretty much said BS! A few months later he saw my vlog about it though, he is more open to it. I talked about it to my roomate, who is a registered guidance counselor and she said she can see why I think I may have it. I emailed my mom about it and she agreed that I have the symptoms and said it may be worth it to get evaluated.

_________________
Standing on the fringes of life... offers a unique perspective. But there comes a time to see what it looks like from the dance floor.
---- Stephen Chbosky
ASD Diagnosis on 7-17-14
My Tumblr: http://jetbuilder.tumblr.com/

Chitarra
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

Joined: 28 Aug 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Female
Posts: 4

30 Aug 2012, 1:37 am

cherrycoke wrote:

I suppose it comes down to how badly/obvious you are affected by it. I read that most benefit telling people. Personally though, people knowing I had aspegers absolutely ruined my life. Here's why:

Having a feeling of anger is now a meltdown.

Having a bad day is now considered depression.

Everyone else in my physics class is there because their passionate about physics, I have to be there because of an "obsession" (I don't even like physics, it's just what I'm good at).

making a mistake in a social situation is no longer just that, it means I'm totally hopeless at every and all social interactions.

Having an argument with someone is no longer because I consider that person a total pillock, but because I have aspergers and I'm 100% at fault each time without fail.

My opinions are no longer valid, because their the output of an autistic mental process and almost by definition therefor erratic.

There has been no one who didn't change their attitude towards me after finding out I had aspergers. I spend my time not trying to overcome aspergers but peoples perception of aspergers.

I no longer talk to anyone in my family because of all those points listed above. They think I wont talk to them because of aspergers, ironically I won't talk to them because they think I have aspergers.

This happens so often I can even predict when it will happen. Most people who read my last paragraph will consider it denial, because i have the aspergers label...sigh :shrug:

Everything you just wrote is EXACTLY why I find myself not wanting to tell anyone other than my sister. That's exactly what I couldn't live with people doing to me. And so far, I'm finding my sister to be the only one who I know for sure wouldn't do that to me... although she also has a problem of her own, ADHD, so she gets it... and no one else has necessarily given me any reason to believe that they wouldn't do that, even if only in their minds. At present, I feel like telling someone is a crap shoot as to whether they're going to understand or start thinking of me this way.

Kindertotenlieder79
Pileated woodpecker

Joined: 11 Apr 2012
Age: 45
Gender: Male
Posts: 188

30 Aug 2012, 2:34 am

Fnord wrote:

1. "You can't have AS because you don't play with fire, torture animals, or wet the bed." -- My ex-G.P

Interesting logic; If one doesn't display the childhood traits of a sociopath, they cannot be autistic.

PixelPony
Toucan
Toucan

Joined: 3 Jul 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 271

30 Aug 2012, 2:46 am

My urge is to inform people I've got to work with a lot. I do a decent job of faking normal for a while, so if I don't see or interact with that person enough to have problems, I don't tell them. I also enjoy telling people whom I will never meet again, like people on airplanes. But I've always had a perverse joy in freaking the mundanes.

But here's the big stuff that came from my telling people.

My partner started keeping me in bubble wrap. It took a few months to convince her that my diagnosis doesn't mean I want to stay inside and safe and alone for the rest of my life. Now, she invites me to things and I make the call whether I'm up to those social and sensory hurdles.

My mother had a very mixed reaction. Understanding of why we had all the fights we did, and why I did all the "horrible" things I did. She saw them as horrible because she couldn't see my logic behind them. She thought I acted out specifically to hurt her. Now she knows otherwise.

Most of my friends were supportive after my diagnosis. A lot of them seemed to appreciate knowing that I did not mean to be rude to them, and that I was not getting tired of them as friends, or any of that. I've had a couple of friendships get much stronger because we discovered the other person's behavior was conflicting with my sensory issues. A little understanding worked wonders.

I also had a few friends tell me I didn't have it, tell me I was a dupe of the psychological profession, not believe me, and be insulted that I tried to trick them that way.

So it depends on the person. You will find out if you've chosen your friends well when you tell them.

_________________
Your Aspie score: 186 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 17 of 200
Quiz updated, now even more aspie

Jediyoda
Deinonychus

Joined: 1 Jul 2010
Age: 52
Gender: Female
Posts: 354
Location: Brisbane Queensland

30 Aug 2012, 2:56 am

When I got diagnosed. I told two of my closest friends who had no idea what Aspergers Syndrome was they were very understanding and decided to find out more about Aspergers. In the years gone by I have learnt to be very selective on who you tell and be careful who you tell or it could back fire on you like it did with me.

cherrycoke
Blue Jay

Joined: 25 Aug 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 78

30 Aug 2012, 3:40 am

Chitarra wrote:

While I wouldn't like to tell someone what to definitely do, I would STRONGLY recommend anyone with aspergers who can get away without telling people, and still be able to function in life to not tell anyone.

I don't think its a case of whether people "understand AS", I think its just human nature. My parents are very well educated on aspergers and dont have ill-intentions but they still do all these things I listed in my previous post.

I hate to admit it but even I do these things to people with aspergers without even realizing it at first. While I was still a child I had social workers back and forth trying to fix various things apparently wrong with me. One of the schemes they came up with was for me to meet and befriend other AS children within the group.

I ended up doing such things as volunteering my self to be the one to speak to the shop staff for example without ever asking them. I just assumed that given that they had AS they must not want to, or maybe can't interact with the staff. I just wanted to offer my help, as is my nature, but I just ended up babying them and this is exactly what happens to me today.

This may seem benign, but it can lead to those who are trying to help quickly trying to establish them self as an authority figure over them. I've actually just come from reading a post where three people were trying to do just that to an adult ( http://www.wrongplanet.net/postp3596511 ... t=#3596511 ) . I do believe if they just let the adult have a go of the moped (if his step brothers had offered of course) it would all have been avoided. Just to have the same opportunity to do as others are doing and join in. (Note the word "meltdown" used, as opposed to the adult just being angry for being treated like a child, hell, I was driving articulated lorries at his age)

onks
Velociraptor

Joined: 27 Jul 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 490
Location: Finland

30 Aug 2012, 2:17 pm

Chitarra wrote:

I just recently found out I have Asperger's, and I haven't told anyone except my sister... nobody else in my entire life knows, not even our mother. To be honest, I can't seem to decide if I'm OK with anyone else knowing just yet.

I began to think it would be OK if people knew because all of a sudden I’d have a reason for why I am the way I am, why I’m just so different from everyone else, and why I just can’t seem to get this “being social” thing right, no matter how much I learn or how hard I try. But then again, I thought that I don’t want them to know because I don’t wanna have to have some excuse for why I am the way I am, and that there’s nothing wrong with being something different from the crowd.

But then again I thought that it would be OK if they knew because then maybe people would stop thinking that I’m just some kind of idiot or mental case for not fitting into the usual idea of social normalcy and that they’d stop pressuring me to do so and just let me be friggin’ me for once. But then again I thought that I didn’t want them to know because I don’t want people looking at me with this thing in the back of their minds that’s saying to them, “Just let her go, she has Asperger’s,” and thinking that they have to look at me, talk to me, and think of me any differently than they would if I was like them… and having to deal with the stigma of people knowing that there’s something “different” about me and thinking of me as being mentally lesser because of it, despite an IQ tested at 150.

I guess my biggest thing is that I just don't think I can deal with people who have not much of a clue as to what Asperger's even is... which tends to be a vast majority of the general population... who make assumptions that aren't even remotely close to true and then treat me accordingly. I'm already dealing with people thinking I'm some kinda weirdo, and that hurts enough on its own, but I just don't know whether or not it's going to improve the situation by letting the fact that I have Asperger's go public.

If you've ever found yourself in this situation where people "knew" you were "weird," but then were informed that you had Asperger's, what kinds of reactions did you find yourself getting from different kinds of people in your life? Were they good? Bad? Indifferent? Etc.? And did you find that there are people who you can clearly see are pretending to treat you normally, while making it obvious that they're thinking of you as mentally lesser just because you have Asperger's?

Quite a high IQ you have, that is.

You will maybe get around with giving the picture of being a nerd, if you don't show too much strange behaviour right now.
You can always tell something about yourself but I would'nt refer to anything that will cause to reveal it.
Eventually you could stop people talking about you by inventing some smart way that will tell them who you are,
make them satisfied and you happy that they understand you, but makes them stop to think about you.

That's what I would prefer.

I guess it is much worse if they find it out themselves and it will spread around as a gossip.
Then you are skrewed.

Tell it to your family, because they might have it, too.
I feel like I would tell anybody that is similar than me, because it is a pain in the ass if you perceive yourself as strange but cannot connect this to anything
that you could "work" with. If the other persons want to know this or not is a different story.

And for myself I am not so sure if it is really the best right now, but generally I think it is better to know the earliest possible moment in your life.

Really, do tell it to your parents, because maybe they suffered a lot and a looong time already.
You will know it

BTW heavy load on wrongplanet. Got a message that server is overloaded

lambey
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

Joined: 10 Jul 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 67

30 Aug 2012, 7:38 pm

GiantHockeyFan wrote:

When I was first researching it, I told my brother and he said "yep, that's definitely you" and told me later there's no need for a formal diagnosis. I have mentioned to a few at work who understand Autism and all told me its highly likely I have it and used examples of things I had no idea I did. I'm not planning on telling my parents because my mother would just say "don't be silly you are just shy. There is nothing wrong with you"" and my father would do what he always does: go into denial because he is a classic Aspie as well.

my mothers reaction is EXACTLY the same. "you dont have asperger's, your just anti-social". my dad on the other hand seems to understand to some degree, and we've had a joke about it
i've told some people. some don't want to know about it, and think im using it as an excuse because i dont have a diagnosis. Others dont care. Others agree that i might have it mildly and just said "that would explain a lot". additionally, my college teacher overheard and brought me into his classroom and said "you know theres people at the college you can talk to about this".

all in all, ive had different reactions. i dont have a confirmed diagnosis, but the majority of people believe it fits me.

onks
Velociraptor

Joined: 27 Jul 2012
Age: 47
Gender: Male
Posts: 490
Location: Finland

31 Aug 2012, 1:00 am

lambey wrote:

GiantHockeyFan wrote:

Where being anti-social would be a clear worse alternative for me.
And all the other problems? They just appear from nothing, of course!

@lambey But I still think that telling the family is really important. Some live with it quite easily but some really struggle to find a solution to their problems.
My mother is in trouble since she is 35 and has been searching for a solution since (now 60). Nobody knew anything.

How many people here got the diagnosis without suspecting it self first? Must be extremely seldom, unless it happens in childhood.

OliveOilMom
Veteran
Veteran

Joined: 11 Nov 2011
Age: 60
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,447
Location: About 50 miles past the middle of nowhere

31 Aug 2012, 1:15 am

I tell people on a need to know basis usually. Sometimes I'll tell somebody about it if we are close or if I think they already think I'm pretty wierd anyway. Most people usually say something along the lines of "Ooooh, thats whats wrong with you!" And I just laugh and say "Yes, thats whats wrong with me."

People close to me or who spend a good bit of time with me usually notice that I'm just a bit "off". Not enough so people notice right away, and unless I'm comfortable enough to relax a little with them, they wouldn't ever notice, but it's just small things. I suppose people wonder what's going on with me, and usually they are happy to know that it's not some mental disorder or something. They are glad to know that I'm no crazier than they are lol.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA. ;-)

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

SilverDragonfly
Butterfly

Joined: 15 Aug 2012
Age: 44
Gender: Female
Posts: 15

31 Aug 2012, 9:44 am

I got diagnosed with AS after my 8 year old daughter did because I realized how many of her symptoms fit me too. My mom knows because she helped me make a list of things I did as a kid for the psychiatrist. I have also told my sister, mother-in-law, and the mother of one of my daughter's friends. She thinks she my have AS also and I can see it in the bit we have interacted. I am not really sure if I will tell anyone else. The rest of my family pretty much accepts me with all my quirks anyway. I think I will just take it on a case by case basis if I think it will be beneficial or not.

Edit: I should have added that I have had all positive reactions from those I have told. That seems to be an uncommon occurrence, but I am sure eventually I will tell someone that doesn't accept it.

Page 2 of 2 [ 32 posts ] Go to page Previous 1, 2

Jump to:

Similar Topics
finding a name for seemingly complex struggles in School and College Life	05 Dec 2024, 1:07 pm Fenn
A wallpaper question: People or No People? in Random Discussion	24 Jan 2025, 12:14 pm nick007
Abused Because of Asperger's? in General Autism Discussion	22 Nov 2024, 9:30 pm CockneyRebel
Asperger Experts in General Autism Discussion	22 Nov 2024, 9:42 pm Canadian Freedom Lover

People's reactions to finding out you have Asperger's... Post Reply New Topic

People's reactions to finding out you have Asperger's...