Transitioning from a NT to an Asperger

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After finding out about my AS, it seemed like everything I did was suddenly because of Asperger's and it became hard to sort out what was me and what was the AS. Maybe this is what you're talking about a little?

I'm still sorting through this - diagnosed early this year at age 42, so I have a lot of reorganizing to do when it comes to my self-concept. On the positive side, I've been making changes (reprogramming as you put it) to make life a little less of a struggle for me. On the negative side, I've realized that there is a lot of stuff that I face on a daily basis that will never go away or get better. Before learning about AS, I guess I thought at some point I'd naturally outgrow some things (like being shy, but at 42? really self?) and now I know that won't happen. I might be able to change some stuff through hard work but there's not going to be some magical epiphany.

I think that it will remove my problems. My severe problems with functioning, my stress, my existential problems, problems understanding, and the consequences that this and my past struggles have had on me. From something that does not work, to something that is more authentic and that describes me, and hopefully that will help and explain.



The actions of forcing myself to be the way I am supposed to be. As in being an NT, and managing to do whatever I am supposed to do. Just like what you said earlier. The problems are extreme. I push my cognitive functions so far so that I get the mindset of "do or die". Everything, or nothing. And I get really depressed because of it.

I obviously don't mind answering these questions at all, as you say yourself, it is supposed to help, and I take everything I get Looking back, I may start to understand this. It's evident what there is that is wrong once I'm trying to grasp the complex picture of everything.

I understand what you mean and I am going through this too.

All of my life I was made to feel ashamed of my different-ness and for being incapable of doing, or not wanting to do, the things others found easy or enjoyable. In order to gain acceptance I tried desperately to cover for these things and pretend I was not finding anything difficult.

In social situations I was always in a state of high alert and deep anxiety, trying to understand what was going on and what I was supposed to do, and trying not to make mistakes (which inevitably happened anyway). This was exhausting and I would be utterly drained afterwards and have to spend substantial time alone to recover.

I have begun to allow myself to relax, accept that mistakes will happen and it's not the end of the world - it is perfectly OK for me to be as I am. Acceptance is the key here - forgive yourself, and others, for all the stuff which caused you to build up these behaviours, and understand that it is fine for you to stop doing that and act the way which comes naturally to you. I am a lot more chilled out than I used to be. On the surface of it to others I think I seem to be more incapable, and worse in my symptoms than I have ever been, but on the inside I am more relaxed and happy, because I'm not constantly struggling to meet the expectations of others, and not under constant stress and anxiety.

Good luck with everything.

It is just funny, that for many of you here it seems to go the other way around. That you have felt ashamed of yourself and now start to relax.
For me this is just the other way around.

I never saw a reason to doubt myself, and I wish I could still. But I cant because I failed to fulfill the expectations that were demanded of me.
This puts me really back to nowhere and threatens my overall life.

If I now get unemployed then that was it.
And everything I struggled with was just for nothing. I like to struggle, but for now the perspective is just so bad. So struggling doesn't make any sense to me anymore.

I am not allowed to be the way I want to be. And that won't change.

Life is a burdon for now

I think I can relate.

I went through the whole "There is something fundamentally wrong with you" self-torture through my childhood, culminating in massive depression in my teens, eventually going to some very dark places. When that subsided I gradually began to tell myself that I am 'normal' (or at least normal enough) and even started putting that unpleasentness down to things like teen angst. Having then realised at 30 that the subsequent 13 or so years I have been living in quite a bit of self-dellusion and actively ignorring the side of me that now seems clear as day, it's safe to say that I have some serious mental reshuffling to undertake. Not neccesarrily to change who I am of how I behave from when I was AS pretending at NT, but more to go a bit easier on myself for behavious which I used to beat myself up about. I am at the very early stages of this whole mindf**k-realisation but, if I can at least do that, I think I can take some positive from this and grow.

This is some of what helped me:

Learning a lot about autism.

No, not simply reading up on the clinical picture and what people write about the disorder but learning about the real, living ways of autistic people by watching autistic people all the across the spectrum, listening to autistic people, talking to autistic people (this includes typing and using other forms of communication).

Figuring out which incidents of the past still influence your actions and motivations of today.

There may have been quite a number of specific sentences that people said to you about the way you expressed yourself that got stuck in your memory and worked to changed you little by little over the years. It can be easy to identify some people that totally influenced you in good or bad ways (because they liked you or disliked you or because they had great expectations for you/didn't expect your to be successful at certain things) but it can be difficult to figure out what exactly these people did or said at one point and which situations exactly stood out from the rest and became a - sort of - turning point at which you started to "try harder" to change in order to be included in something by other/in order not to be excluded or picked on/in order to get something you really wanted to get back then or the point at which you tried to "do better".

i appreciated this statement. in the past few days, ive been freaking myself out a bit and i believe it is an issue regarding how one frames ones reality. for example, i know people think im curious and they listen to my poetry and think i am weirdly deep. as an NT, perhaps i am just smartly depressed, that i am vague and clandestine because i am emo and 'no one gets me.' however, from an AS perspective, maybe i actually cannot connect with people. ive struggled for years not to be 'vague,' as they call it. but maybe 'vague' isnt 'vague,' what if it is something else? something that is a bit other worldly? then i have no hope right?

a few responses indicated that the responder was confused in regards to the idea of a transition. we all see the world through a lens and it is the changing of that lens, rather than what we see, that i believe the poster is referring to. the above response struck a cord with me. i do what is challenging because i want to grow as a person and be the best person i can be so i have used stress as an indicator of what i need to make strides in. this has effectively left me 'running into the fire' again and again, left me psychologically ravaged, and assisted me in gaining a meager amount of skills that i did not have before, mostly skills i did not value. now, with a different lens, perhaps i will be free to do what i am interested in cognitively or what my 'gut tells me' rather than kid myself into thinking i am 'succeeding' per my usual lens (the lens of society).

I am 50 years old NOw. Working on getting a dx of some sort (though it means nothing in getting any real help at this point in life) since Asperger's and HFA were not available in my youth. Autism & Childhood Schizophrenia were (there is some good evidence I had that label, but the family hid it from me & the World). Of course, that usually ended by the person with the ASD in a mental ward or other care facility.
Do you mean realizing there is a reason for why we do the things we do? Because one does not "Transit" from one state to another. But some people with AS can function so well you cannot tell them apart from an NT.

Sincerely,
Matthew

So, in some ways could it be that you are wanting to start some areas "from scratch" now that you know about the different way your brain works? That you fear you have created a "false" sense of who you are while trying to be NT and now you are unsure of how to live your life from now on as your true AS Self, because you have pushed yourself so far to be NT that it has become confusing to you which parts are the "real" you and which parts are the "false" you?
(boy, I hope that made sense!)

I think it helps to notice what happens to you as you live your life from now on, with this new knowledge. It could be too overwhelming to just try to work it all out at once. As you go about your day to day activities, you can notice which exact situations make you feel bad, and analyse each of these situations one at a time. Then maybe consider what is causing this stress - could it be an AS situation, or something else?

Also, you can do this from a positive perspective. Each time you feel good as you go about your day to day activities, notice what the situation is. Keep track of all of these things.

From here you will build a list of things that (a) cause you stress and (b) cause you pleasure, and you can work on ways to avoid/manage the stressful situations, and work on ways to do more of the pleasurable things (this can also help relieve your stress).

I believe - and maybe this is just my belief - that we are still in tune to our "natural selves". I believe our body is constantly telling us the information we need to do. I believe that what we do over the years is we learn how to block this information out - this may be what you have done. I bet there is still a small voice in there though still trying to communicate to you. You can learn to hear it again and make it louder, once you believe it is ok and safe to do so.

I also believe that for those of us who are diagnosed as adults, we need to focus a lot more on all of this. We have learnt many skills already in how to navigate the NT World due to our ignorance of our AS and now we need to focus more on who we truly are, with our AS in mind. Those who are diagnosed early - perhaps - learn as they grow up about who they are with regard to their AS, and perhaps need more focus on how to interact with the NT World (depending on how they were told about their AS and the level/type of support they had).

I believe that we need to speak both languages - our own AS language, and the NT language. Our own AS language in order to be true to ourselves and look after ourselves, enjoy ourselves, and find inner happiness, as well as be able to function better in society (i.e. how to avoid meltdowns, etc). And we also need to learn how to interact with the NT World, for our own survival and other aspects.

Wow, that ended up a lot longer than I intended! I hope it is useful in some way at least lol

This is what I am working through - and I think it is what many people with late diagnoses have to go through.

Yap, exactly. Though I don't want to start from scratch, I just want a transition



Yes absolutely. This isn't about reprogramming and transitioning anymore, it's about the natural behaviour which you are right about. It's there. It is much better for me to function out of what the natural behaviours tell me to, than what my made-up tactical actions tell me to. I may have learnt that already.



It is very useful. I understand it all, and thank you very much. I'm glad it helps others as well.

Well said, analyser23.
It's about understanding yourself and being nicer to yourself, as well as fitting into the larger world.
I think this is true for NT's also. Hopefully learning you are an aspie will help Underscore.

How can it be a 'transition' if you were never NT in the first place?

I've felt different my whole life, the only difference is now i have a name for my difference.

I thought I were a NT. I did not think I was an autist. I lived my life as though I was a NT, and then suddenly my perception of myself changed.
I've felt different, but never thought of that as being an Asperger, I thought I just was special. And I've proven to be good at trying to adapt, whatever the cost or consequences.

I guess each persons case is different.

Well before i understood what autism was, i didnt know what neurotypical meant either. Thanks to the culture of general ignorance I always incorrectly assumed autism was similar to mental disabilities such as cerebal palsy or down's syndrome. The movie 'Rainman' didnt help either, because i went on to use that as a sweeping model of autism.

I always felt different to others, and had a feeling of being not normal. I just didnt have a name for it.

If i'd known about Hans Asperger or Temple Grandin earlier I probably wouldve been diagnosed much sooner.