Sanctus wrote:
Okay, so sometimes I feel like I have multiple personalities. Sometimes I feel like a really bitter, hateful outsider, but a few hours later something good happens and I turn into an optimistic person dancing through the room. Sometimes I'm a social trainwreck, barely speaking and staring at the floor; at other times I can be outright charming and funny. Sometimes I'm really arrogant and egoistic, thinking bad about others, even wishing people harm, and sometimes I crave harmony and friendship.
I find it hard to combine all this in one personality. Sometimes I'm not sure of who I am or if I even have a personality.
I can relate 100% Sanctus. I no longer see the phenomenon in myself as "multiple personalities" but instead conceptualize it as different "ways of being in the world". I have discovered that I was taught to hate my "aspie-ness" by my family starting from the time I was old enough to express my true nature. Every time I expressed my true nature I was treated badly so I began to pretend to be whatever I needed to be in order to get attention and (what felt like) love. My family was so dysfunctional that the "way of being" necessary to get my needs met would change often and without apparent cause. This left me with a severely distorted sense of identity.
I have a core personality that is really "me". This core personality is kind, loving, joyous, honest, etc., but I often pretend to be otherwise in order to hide and protect myself from harm (both real and falsely perceived). I often do not know when I am pretending.
I am often angry and depressed. I feel like I am beset and hopelessly outnumbered by hostile attackers. This is in part because I
am under nearly constant attack, and in part because I have a difficult time understanding others' intentions. The "personality" I present to the world is my best attempt to manage my confusion and get my needs met.
It sounds to me like you
do have a personality but perhaps you are often attacked (or
were often attacked as a child) for expressing it. Have you considered the possibility that you are being forced to live in a world controlled by borderline psychopaths? Perhaps you are a special person who is confused and doing your best to cope with a bad situation?
_________________
Your Aspie score: 158 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 45 of 200
You are very likely a Trans-dimensional Autocrat
29 Sep 2012, 3:56 pm
