Asperger Syndrome and Kindness During Childhood

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I was a very kind and caring youngster and I am still that way inclined. However, I've learned that not everyone sees kindness for what it is and some actually think you're gullible or to be taken advantage of. When I went to my first school, there was a girl, who had a learning disability, in my class. I think now that she had Williams Syndrome, but didn't know this at the time. She was a timid wee soul and used to cry every morning (or so I'm told), until she saw me come in. Then she'd say, 'I'm OK now, my pal's here'. I believe I looked after her and she felt protected. But, this was when I was really young and before I became socially withdrawn. I also used to help kids with their reading, off my own back, purely through altruism. Or maybe I got a kick out of being helpful, but I never did it for bonus points from my peers, that's for sure. They were more likely to poke fun at me, for acting like a grown-up, so it really was mostly me giving and not getting much in return.

But, I'm still like this. My friend has just had an operation and I've been helping out with her kids. She's utterly grateful, but I'm only doing it because it's the right thing to do. I know she'd do the same for me, but that's not my motivation.

I was very kind as a child. I did have a stormy patch that I wish to forget about that happened in my Early 30s. I'm back to being a kind person, once more.

Yes, I was a very kind child. I was cripplingly sensitive and still am. I'm still a very kind, caring person, but lately, after about twenty years of disablement and abusive experiences, I feel hardened by the world. The latest episode of bullying and crushing dissappointment has taught me more lucidly how the world works.

I had trouble understanding it before, real trouble. Now I can see more how it is, and it's ugly. There are genuine NTs but this world is a selfish and brutal place. I should have known this before, after so many negative experiences, being bullied and assaulted and abused. But it has taken me YEARS for my emotional development to catch up with my actual life experiences. A long, long time. Which is a shame.

I'm sick of being hurt by people because of my openness and guilelessness and trustingness and kindness and vulnerability and naivety and all-round Aspieness that just make me a dumping ground for other people's s**t.

Do I want to be kind any more? I don't know. I'm done with being treated like s**t and bullied. I'm going to try to choose more carefully who I share my beautiful, sensitive, genuine, caring Aspie self with, because frankly, I've realised that to give out too much of yourself to others certainly does not mean they'll appreciate it or be kind in return.

I too had a history of giving presents to people that they didn't appreciate, and thinking that if I told them something straight forwardly they'd care. I didn't used to understand what motivated people at all. I couldn't work it out.
I still don't really get it, all I know is that people all see the world in their own ways, they're selfish and mostly don't have any emotional investment in you, they want to meet their own needs, it's safe to assume a lot of them want sexual gratification and to outdo eachother. Many of them don't have high moral standards, and most people are not going to be highly intelligent. A lot of Aspies are.

Sorry if that paints a dark picture, I know NTs aren't all bad and are just people like you and me, but hell it DOES NOT work to have innocent expectations of people.

Sometimes, I just hate being an Aspie. I'm overwhelmed by the world, and despite being in my mid twenties, I still trust too much and don't know how to speak to people and socialise and get sneered at because of my general ineptitude.

It sucks being so innocent and stupid and vulnerable. Time to get meaner and be less open.



Sagroth,
what you say makes a lot of sense. I also remember as a child in a classroom if the teacher was telling off someone else or the group I'd have to say ''But it wasn't me, you can't blame us all!'' or something. Like I just had this need to be liked and felt overwhelmed by the negative emotions of others.
And I would feel elated if I wasn't being blamed or I wasn't the only one, or crushed from the slightest jibe or put down from anyone. The sad thing is, I'm still much the same now!

Kindness is not naivety at all. Most things that people call naive are actually just general decency.

My son is naive, but he is definitely one of the kindest children I have ever met, and it is absolutely separate from his naivete. So I think it is absolutely possible you were also a kind child. Some people are simply more gentle by nature. My son's kindness has actually brought tears to many a grown-up's eye, because many recognize that his kindness goes much deeper than the self-serving kindness you find in so many people. I think it is rare and is something to be cherished and I think you were right as a child to prize it in yourself.

I will be heartbroken if my son loses his. He is about to turn 11.

My children are very gentle as well (I am not sure if they are on or near the spectrum, but they have traits). My birthday was nearing and my 12 year old knows that I do not have much money after the divorce. He also observed that I have trouble with my back. So he took all his pocketmoney and convinced his little brother to do the same, they then gave me the money so I could go and have a back massage! I think that most 12 year old boys would rather buy games or candy for their money.

Aww, that's cute ^_^

I considered myself a kind person when I was a child and in a sense I still continue to do so. There were times when I honestly didn't know that from the outside I didn't always look as one in other people's eyes, especially my peers. My classmates in elementary school and junior high (oversees terms) often thought I'm too much contempt. It got back to me eventually and it really hurt. After my wild period in second grade I only wanted to be appreciated and accepted as anyone else, no more. Yet I become more and more isolated as years passed by. Nevertheless, I always wanted to do the right thing, including being kind with other people. I had high standards in my head though I knew even back then I could not live up to them. I was too idle, lame, and uncaring (e.g. indulging myself too much in my special interests), despite my knowing better. As some of you might already know I'm somewhat obsessed with Oliver Twist, my primary role model. I saw the 1948 movie when I was about the same age as he on the screen. I believe it had a great impact on my soul, feeling so much empathy for a kind but abused child. The imprint in my memory would never let me further myself from his story and his pitiful state too much. But, one has (and had) to learn to be a little bit The Dodger and Charley if he wanted to survive in this vile world. As they say it, the beauty is in the eye of the beholder. It's in the world, you only have to discover it.

Then keep him away from groups of sadistic, cruel, selfish people until he's old enough to stand up for himself as well as maintian his core of kindness. Otherwise, his kindness will be seen as weakness and exploited repeatedly and he'll end up bitter and hardened. Well, that's what happened to me. And I imagine quite a few Aspies perhaps............
He's lucky to have a good parent like you who cares.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to keep him away from groups of sadistic, cruel, and selfish people. They are all over the place. <sigh> And he is seen as weak by others and it has been exploited.

What I have tried to do is to inoculate him against their ugliness. I have always told him that their behavior reflects poorly on them, not on him. I try very hard to be there for him and to always lift him up and make him feel good about himself. It has worked so far, but I fear we are entering the years where no amount of effort on my part is going to completely shield him from other people.

I am sure you are right, Cuckooflower, I am sure it has happened to many marginalized people, not just Aspies. The sad thing is, I don't think that all the marginalized people really need is parents who care. They need for the parents of the sadistic, cruel and selfish kids to care, too. But the problem is that many of them can't, because they are just grown-up versions of their kids.

Meh. During occasional moments of their kindness, my parents said the same thing to me. It may have been the nasty people's bad behavior reflecting badly on them and not me, but I was the one still suffering for it in the end. So it didn't matter. At one point around age 8, I even went through a phase when I believed that I was the only truly nice person on earth; everybody else was less nice than me, although some people, like the boys I was good friends with at the time, "ranked" pretty close. As my childhood kindness was replaced by teenage angst, I pretty much stopped being the kind person I once was, although some level of gullibility persisted until my 20's.

I don't know what to suggest for your son. While you probably wouldn't want to make him more bitter and jaded than he needs to be at his age, it is, sadly, the correct thing to do in today's world. It's a messed up place, and it's not getting better anytime soon. I guess find a way to explain to him, maybe through Social Stories, that most people his age will not be appreciative of his kindness.

Last edited by Aspie1 on 15 Oct 2012, 6:54 am, edited 2 times in total.

I used to be very naive and kind, but when I realised that almost everyone in my primary school were an as*hole, I gave up and reserved my kindness for the few who deserved it.

I guess, then, it's not so much about shielding him from the cruelties of the world, because, as you rightly pointed out, this isn't possible anyway. I suppose I didn't think when I wrote my reply before. In my head I was kind of thinking, don't let him get too hurt because of his kindness, so badly hurt it is hard for him to trust again or keep his natural instincts. It's a tricky balance. Kindness is mostly taken as weakness as far as I can tell, but it's still gold to many people to experience true kindness. A tough balance......

So I would say give him the coping strategies as far as possible to stand up for himself and protect himself, but also let him know the true value of his kindness as well.

So then hopefully he'll keep his kindness and be able to protect himself from unkind people.

That was a bit jumbled, but you know what I mean. Sensitivity is a glorious trait to have, so long as you can protect it and still function in a f****d up world.