How to say "I don't want to talk to you", politely

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onks
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29 Oct 2012, 3:47 pm

mljt wrote:
I take my dog to the same park every day for his walk. You get to know dogs from the local area as it's usually the same people depending on what time of day you go. There's one dog (and her owner) who I don't mind talking to. Our dogs love each other and I know a bit about the owners, so I can cope with making chit chat with them, and we usually just watch the dogs play.

But there's this woman who I've seen a few times (I recognise people by their dogs though, not by the people themselves) who has a dog which is the same breed as mine. She keeps trying to talk to me because our dogs are the same breed. That's about all we have in common. She's about 55-65 and we've spoken about the dogs in the park before. As far as I'm concerned there's nothing left to talk about.

Just now, in the park, I walked past a group of other dog owners who were standing round chatting. She was in the group, and I heard them say my dog's name and discuss what sub-breed within the breed he was. I carried on walking because I had my headphones on, which I use to avoid people talking to me. The woman kept looking at me and I think she wanted to ask me about my dog. Then later on, I saw her walking across the park towards me. I changed course and she did as well. I ended up walking near her but didn't look at her in case she tried to talk to me. She said something to my dog, but I couldn't hear it because I had my headphones on and music playing.

How do I say to her "I don't care about your ugly dog and I don't want to talk to you." (what I'm actually thinking) in a more polite way? People not wanting to talk to you is very offensive to most people I think.


I think you dont need to say anything just by "avoiding" her she should realise that you are not interested to talk



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29 Oct 2012, 3:48 pm

I don't know if this is possible given your schedule, but I would have thought the easiest thing to do would be to walk your dog at a different time so you don't run into her. Or, don't bother with the dog park, find someplace quieter to go where there won't be people who want to engage you in idle conversation. As far as the pretending to look busy thing, that doesn't always work either; I've been at bus stops reading a book (actually reading, not avoidance-fake reading) and people will interrupt me to make small talk, and every time I try to go back to my book, they'll find something new to say. And people say we can't pick up on social cues!


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30 Oct 2012, 5:10 pm

AspE wrote:
mljt wrote:
I take my dog to the same park every day for his walk. ...


Hmmm, that is a problem. I would say to an elderly woman something like, "my, you have nice big titties, can I squeeze them?". It's not an insult, but it will make her avoid you in the future, plus it's a bit of a complement.


what the hell?
my neighbour was always watching me
so I got about the house
naked with a semi
she never bothered me again



Last edited by Surfman on 30 Oct 2012, 10:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Evy7
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30 Oct 2012, 7:53 pm

U know, I hate talking with people I don't know or like either and try to avoid them by choosing a different place or time that i go. BUT, if I must be there while they are there, I think I might as well chat with them and get it over with...just give in for 5 minutes and then excuse yourself.



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30 Oct 2012, 10:21 pm

Neurotypicals have got so many annoying habits....
especially that stare into your eyes
smile intensely
start a conversation
thing they do
This one appears to have no empathy for her listener, or none is obvious to her

Aspies often say inappropriate stuff around strangers too
The trick is being interesting
Talked for ages with many women down the park this week. Since I'm now Duckman [walks 10km per day] it has made me very approachable with other park users, I generally know the status of many bird groups.

Lots of good vibes amongst bird watchers, its spring

But there are many walkers and park users I never approach, due to the vibe I get off them or even their appearance



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13 Mar 2015, 11:21 am

I am a person who practices meditation regularly.
I also took Tai-Chi at one point in time.
When I am sitting down in a chair, next to someone, even if I'm at a hair salon or some other public place, I'll close my eyes and start meditating; having my eyes closed gives me a good excuse not to speak to anyone because they can see that I am meditating, and wish not to be disturbed.
When I am walking, if someone is trying to get my attention and I don't want to stop and/or speak, I can tell the person I am busy with focusing on my balance as I move, and that it needs my undivided attention.

In my case, neither of these responses are lies, because I do like to be aware of my balance when I walk, and I do meditate when I close my eyes and sit silently. So far, I have learned that using either of these methods creates more obvious boundaries that more folks are liable to respect. If someone goes so far as to continue to harass me, which has not yet happened, I would probably ask "Do you feel it is okay for me to be allowed to do what I am trying to do?", to point out that if they believe I should reroute my entire life to accommodate their need to prattle, that they are acting like they think I owe them something, which I do not believe would be the case, as per the 1st Amendment.



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13 Mar 2015, 11:29 am

Yeah I don't think there is a way you can go about saying this without offending her, wearing headphones is a good way tho to deflect it tho since people don't usually talk or bother people with them on I have noticed. Sometimes I'll just wear headphones without listening to anything knowing that people won't bother speaking to me. Maybe talk on your phone or something?



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13 Mar 2015, 11:35 am

The problem is, dog owners tend to like to talk to other dog owners about their respective pets, it's become a form of social convention. In fact NTs who are lonely often get a dog and walk it in the park with the express intention of striking up conversation and making friends. So as long as you take your dog for a walk in public places you're likely to run into the same situation.

The woman you describe must be extremely insensitive or stupid (or both) not to have realised by now that you don't want to interact with her. Maybe she's one of the lonely people I mentioned above. So I think politeness is wasted on her. Just ask her to go away ... or set your dog on her.



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13 Mar 2015, 11:37 am

I would try to think nice thoughts toward her. And perhaps use the time for silent walking meditation. Then next time she interrupted, maybe invite her to join me. If she said yes, that's fine, if she says no, say "perhaps another time" and try to sound and feel regretful. And if she spoke after agreeing to silence, just smile and shake my head and consider it as a stray thought to let go of.

Maybe she'd learn something. And otherwise I imagine she'd move on.



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13 Mar 2015, 12:05 pm

In similar situations to these I sometimes use the phrase "I'm sorry but it's just not a good time for me to talk right now" and then walk away. Sometimes works - sometimes not so much.

Good luck :)


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13 Mar 2015, 12:38 pm

mljt wrote:
I take my dog to the same park every day for his walk. You get to know dogs from the local area as it's usually the same people depending on what time of day you go. There's one dog (and her owner) who I don't mind talking to. Our dogs love each other and I know a bit about the owners, so I can cope with making chit chat with them, and we usually just watch the dogs play.

But there's this woman who I've seen a few times (I recognise people by their dogs though, not by the people themselves) who has a dog which is the same breed as mine. She keeps trying to talk to me because our dogs are the same breed. That's about all we have in common. She's about 55-65 and we've spoken about the dogs in the park before. As far as I'm concerned there's nothing left to talk about.

Just now, in the park, I walked past a group of other dog owners who were standing round chatting. She was in the group, and I heard them say my dog's name and discuss what sub-breed within the breed he was. I carried on walking because I had my headphones on, which I use to avoid people talking to me. The woman kept looking at me and I think she wanted to ask me about my dog. Then later on, I saw her walking across the park towards me. I changed course and she did as well. I ended up walking near her but didn't look at her in case she tried to talk to me. She said something to my dog, but I couldn't hear it because I had my headphones on and music playing.

How do I say to her "I don't care about your ugly dog and I don't want to talk to you." (what I'm actually thinking) in a more polite way? People not wanting to talk to you is very offensive to most people I think.


Dog parks are a social experience---for both the dogs and their owners.

Don't want to exchange small talk with people who see themselves as like minded? Don't take your dog to a dog park.

It's that simple.


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13 Mar 2015, 4:33 pm

Waterfalls wrote:
I would try to think nice thoughts toward her. And perhaps use the time for silent walking meditation. Then next time she interrupted, maybe invite her to join me. If she said yes, that's fine, if she says no, say "perhaps another time" and try to sound and feel regretful. And if she spoke after agreeing to silence, just smile and shake my head and consider it as a stray thought to let go of.

Maybe she'd learn something. And otherwise I imagine she'd move on.


Wow! That's amazing! That's like... conversational Jiu Jitsu!

I would have said, "I'm terribly sorry but I have a lot on my mind and I'm just not up to a conversation at the moment."--and probably insulted them in the process.

Your approach is pure genius. :D



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13 Mar 2015, 4:57 pm

I would say, in my best Greta Garbo voice, "I VANT to be alone!" :wink:



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13 Mar 2015, 5:20 pm

Adamantium wrote:
Waterfalls wrote:
I would try to think nice thoughts toward her. And perhaps use the time for silent walking meditation. Then next time she interrupted, maybe invite her to join me. If she said yes, that's fine, if she says no, say "perhaps another time" and try to sound and feel regretful. And if she spoke after agreeing to silence, just smile and shake my head and consider it as a stray thought to let go of.

Maybe she'd learn something. And otherwise I imagine she'd move on.


Wow! That's amazing! That's like... conversational Jiu Jitsu!

I would have said, "I'm terribly sorry but I have a lot on my mind and I'm just not up to a conversation at the moment."--and probably insulted them in the process.

Your approach is pure genius. :D

Thank you :D

Seriously, though, I've noticed when I talk about wanting to feel peace, a lot of people steer clear, that's why I wrote.....I don't get why, people are hard to understand!!



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13 Mar 2015, 5:36 pm

Because people, at times want peace. They understand that. So they steer away when you say you want peace.



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13 Mar 2015, 5:39 pm

I have to agree with Basso. Since dog parks are a social experience for both the dog and the owner, take your dog to a much quieter area that is not a dog park.


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