I Cry and Cry for My Brother

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Thank you all for your responses, you have made me feel a lot better about the situation.

Important points I didn't make clear:

*He doesn't know I cry for him and as far as he knows, he doesn't know I feel bad for him. I don't tell him that cause I don't want to risk him being more upset than he potentially is.
*And I'm sorry if I came off like I was judging him or overly concerned - it's just because all of my brothers have found their way easily, all married, good paying jobs, and they look at Eric as if he is some outcast who doesn't care at all about anyone or anything. And it's how his brain/body works, he can't help it. So why I cry is because I don't want people to talk down to him or insult him or make him feel less of a person just because of how he is, I never do that. I always treat him as a good friend, always have, and have always offered to help him or asked him if he was ok or needed anything in life.
*And I can't help the tears.....his sadness would lead to my depression.

Thanks for that clarification. The fact that you care about him being misunderstood makes me think he's very lucky to have you. My best friend, besides my husband, is my sister, who is the same way toward me, and I honestly don't know what I'd do without her friendship. Your brother is lucky to have you in his life.

You wouldn't be a good brother otherwise

I am sure that he will be able to find his way in life and be happy - all it takes is a little encouragement and support in the right moment.

As long as he isn't misunderstood by you and other close people, everything will be okay. Spend some time on this forum - learn from us, and you will know what to expect and how to handle it. Don't be afraid to ask questions, even if the topic seems sensitive.

I agree that he's lucky to have someone who cares about him so much.

All he really needs is a full-time job so he can support himself one-day. Maybe he can get another part-time job and have 2 part time jobs instead of one full time. Maybe he could get a job doing data-entry as it doesn't require social interaction. It's okay that he's not socializing and that he's not very ambitious if that's just the way he is and he's content. Everybody is different and not everyone has to have lots of friends and a top paying position to be happy. People misunderstand this probably because North Americans values these things - romantic relationships, friendships and ambition to make money ect. There is nothing wrong with valuing those things but success can be measured in different ways. If someone is happy and perusing their creative interest-making music- and has honest work that contributes to society in some way (as someone else mentioned) and maintaining their health (by going to the gym) I'd say that person is successful.

I think the best thing you can do is defend your brother to your other family members who put him down. Make some of the points people have made here in this thread perhaps.

As others have said, he could be happy that way. But have you ever asked him if he needs any help, with getting a career going or social skills and stuff like that? People with Asperger's often don't know how to ask for help or just don't speak up. Have you asked him whether there is anything he is worried about or would like to discuss?

It's worth a try if you haven't, it may seem really obvious but it might be what he needs to speak up about anything he needs.

Last edited by whirlingmind on 20 Dec 2012, 6:11 am, edited 1 time in total.

Agree. Maybe when he's job hunting you could offer to help him with some mock-interviews, let him know what he might be doing that he could change. I've known people who pay pros a lot of money for that kind of help - mock interview videoing etc. But it is something you might be able to help with, if you've had more success with job hunting than he has. Who knows? Interviews are tough for anyone with social issues.

You are a great brother to care so much. I think that it's entirely possible that he has Asperger's, I have it and I can really relate to a lot of the things that you've observed in him. It's possible that he's depressed. I feel like I've been depressed for so long that I sometimes forget that it's the reason WHY I lack the motivation to do things. Sometimes I feel like I'm "fine" because I'm having a slightly less depressing day than normal.

Sometimes I get the impression that people care about me and are trying to help me in their own ways, but they're so subtle (to me, at least) that I don't even really notice their attempts enough to respond.

I used to have a friend who took the very very very direct approach. She would harass me until I went out with her and her friends and put me on the spot until I talked to them. If I ignored her calls, she would throw pebbles at my window until I got mad enough to open it and yell at her. This was pure torture for me....at first. But over time it literally forced me out of my shell and I actually made a few genuine friends. Everyone with Asperger's is different though, just like everyone without it, so what helps me might not help everyone, or any one for that matter.

If your tears are because others are treating him badly, the best you can do is defend him.

Getting a diagnosis might open up a chance for a different life for him, if your brother wants it. Knowing what condition he has (possibly AS) surely will help him deal with his life. Of course, you can't force him to get a diagnosis, but if you can, you might want to somehow make him aware of different possibilities.

I'm saying this because I have had quite a difficult life in many ways. If I had known about AS long time ago, I might have been able to dealt with life a bit better. I wish someone had told me about AS long time ago.

If he's already happy, that's good. He is very lucky to have such a caring protective brother like you.

Thank you all so much for your replies.

The part that upsets me the most is that even though he tells me he's ok and not sad, I don't know how he really feels or if he is telling me the truth. You know cause I have a pretty hectic life and he spends most of his time in his bedroom. So maybe he really is sad. And I'm moving out soon and it's just gonna be him and my father at the house and I may worry about him even more when I'm gone. And it all doesn't seem enough to me that I tell him that I'm here for him and that he can come to me if he ever needs anything..no matter what it is...it just doesn't seem enough to me..I still feel bad...you know

Maybe he isn't sad. I spend a lot of time at home and don't socialize much in real life and that's the way I like it. Going out and socializing all the time would be way too stressful.

I find it's too easy for more sociable people to see my wanting to be at home or solitary most of the time as depression or sadness, when really my time alone gives me a lot of joy.

But there are times when I find it's difficult for me to seek people out when I do need them, or to ask for help, and I think that's a valid concern too.

It seems to me, justonetosurvive, that maybe he wouldn't mind if you called him once a day just to check in for a few minutes, let him know what's going on with you, and try to get a hint of what's going on with him. Just that much connection can, I'm sure, be a sort of safety valve that doesn't interfere with his day. You could even pick a certain time each day to talk. My dad, when he was suffering from dementia, used to call my sister at a particular time each day. That way she knew how he was doing, and he felt he had some contact. She and I had a similar thing for a while, where we called one another on a certain day and time of the week. We did that for months, and it was a good experience, helped us get a little closer.

Isn't everyone with a Math(s) degree like that?

I guess a difference is, "neurotypicals" or normal people, get fulfillment from others. As in, life's purpose is relational with other humans. With ASD, there's two big issues. Basically, one is like, I've heard it described this way as a metaphor for something else, but here it is. Imagine you're trying to play soccer. Now imagine you're trying to play soccer while balancing a glass of water on your head.

Because of the "special interests" of AS are usually quite intense in focus, it's hard to balance life (in this case, soccer) and your other interests and goals, and things you like. In that aspect, I wonder if the psychology behind dislike of AS people is what people see as selfish. IE, for example, I like Japanese music a lot. Not too many other people like it much. So I can't relate to others well with music. So you're not "sharing" interest with others, but in this case, it's not like, say, giving your neighbor eggs or bread or something if they run out, but the connection between others based upon commonality. So because you're not sharing, you're considered selfish, if that makes sense.

What happens after is, people dislike you, because you're not "sharing" with others in this fashion. Then you get ostracized. Whether or not your pursuits cause you a disinterest in socializing, or if you're naturally introverted or disinterested in socializing, it's possible, but mostly I think it's because there's a disconnect between you and others. In my case, it's neurological. I have NVLD (nonverbal learning disorder,) which basically equates to right brain hemisphere damage, so I can't read social things well. So I believe it's more circular, how this works. But the brain damage or irregularity causes social issues. Of course, there's some people who are lucky, and gain intelligence without the costs of social issues paid, and manage to be intelligent or good at something without people hating them.

Basically, your issue is, even if you got him socializing more, the benefits could be temporary, as it's hard to change your fundamental nature. I went through a cycle like this. I went to a Charismatic church, where I'd hang out with my new friends from church for hours a day, like 4-5 days a week easily. I first off, got burnt out, because the requirements to figure out socializing were taxing on my brain. As another example, I'm also hyperlexic. Which means I can read things very easily, I had a 12th grade reading level in kindergarten. So it takes ZERO effort for me to sit down and read, say, giant like 30-40 page articles or whatever online. There's just no effort behind it, it feels as natural as walking. But to a normal person, if they were forced to read everything I read and research everyday, they'd be overwhelmed and hate it. That's how socializing is for most people with Aspergers. If you're really tough, you can force yourself through it, and that more comes down to the level of mental fortitude you have, but keep in mind, it's about as tough as a normal person reading this: http://www.sportivnypress.com/documents/51.html all day.

Basically, what I'm trying to tell you is, it's just different expectations based upon what we're given in life. We need the social people like you to make the world go round, and the world needs AS people, too. If people never disregarded social norms or cared less/didn't care about socializing to accomplish something, then we'd have no inventions or scientific progress at all. Ideally, things would be balanced, and everyone would be perfectly balanced supermen that could socialize and relate well with others and have 170 IQs, but apparently life doesn't work like that, and in life, different people perform different roles for society.

This is not to say your brother should never ever socialize or anything like that, but his expectations out of his own life, and what's even realistic for him could be different. So just like the reading example, everyone should try to be, you know, literate, but it might not be realistic for everyone to become journalists. In the case of your brother, teaching him how to socialize might be as hard as trying to teach a dyslexic person to read. But at the same time, using dyslexia, there's dyslexic people that can run circles around others in, say, engineering or something.

As far as what you should do, well. What does he want out of life? If someone lacks ambition to do something, they won't do it. It's that simple. Ambition and drive can overcome a lot. This is a problem with AS. Many people with AS, have the same social ambitions as normal people. To find love, have friends, etc. But, because of their problems, they cannot achieve such ambitions very easily, if at all. Thus leading to them doing nothing. So the only way to solve the lack of ambition problem is to concentrate on something else, and be ambitious about something else that's not that. Nobody's really totally figured out how to really fix the socialization issues. With enough brute effort, any problem is possible to be fixed, but again, the amount of mental drive is a lot. It could be equivalent to asking a person off the street to build a Ferrari from scratch, the amount of effort it could take to "learn" socialization through brute effort. And in the end, they could find it's not even all too fun or great anyway, and that they'd rather work on building a house than a Ferrari.

I can't tell you what to do in specifics. Is his father OK with him living with him? The only thing I'd say is, make sure he learns some self-sufficiency skills. IE, cooking, household repairs, car repairs, etc. Because he might not have anyone else around. Plus those things save money, and he might have bad luck with jobs. So, if he's having bad luck with jobs, and the timing belt needs to be replaced on his car or something, he could do it himself for $100, but if he doesn't know how, he'll pay $1000, and if he's not making money in a job due to his socialization skills being poor, he could pretty much...die. That's been my strategy in life, figure out how to become as "self sufficient" as possible, as I've learned others often won't like me or help me out. Sounds cruel, maybe, but that's how I see life. Things like cooking, too, it's the same way. He could throw some chicken thighs and beans in a crockpot, get a rice cooker, and eat really cheap ($100 a month if that) but if he relies on others to do it for him, either with frozen food or restaurants, it'll cost him more money.

This is the crux of AS. During the meantime, if he can find friends who will help him out with things, an understanding boss who won't take advantage of him or even just finding consistent work in general, or a wife or girlfriend who will love him, that's all the better, but you cannot guarantee those will happen, simply because you can't control the actions of others and how other people feel or think about you. So that's the only way I've figured out how to compensate for my AS, to make myself really good at self reliance type things and survival skills, so I don't have to rely on other people.

Sorry for my VERY longwinded post, but I hope you found it helpful in some way.

1000Knives, thank you very much. I feel like I enjoyed and benefited from that post. Hard to fully explain, but he sometimes gets fiesty or ticked off if you try to give him advice, even if you're nice..he acts like he's bothered a lot when people talk to him, no matter what the subject or substance discussed. It's tough. I've always just tried to be as nice as possible. Yes, I've given him a face like 'wtf' if he was mean to someone for no reason or whatever, but 99% of the time I am very friendly and try to be a good brother. My father understands that my brother is a little different and does not get in his way. Yes, my father wishes he had more ambition and motivation to finding a job and further his career/life, but he does not pressure him. He is always very nice to him, cooks dinner every night, and just lets him do his thing. I need to figure out someway/somehow to get my brother a job and show him the way of the world, in a good way. I've really worked hard to try to help him.

You're so sweet to care so much. Don't judge this person (this is to the rest on the community) because they feel sorry for their brother. Unemployment and seemingly to not have much of a goal in life can be a problem. You shouldn't want to stay dependent forever. Also, this person could be the opposite, and just say his brother is sponger who only cares about himself or something. But no, he cares. Sorry. I'm unsure if you are male or female.

I'd totally love to have you in my family.

Outsiders don't see autism the same way as we do, so be nice. Or just keep an open mind.

I relate to the ticked off-ness. I rather find solutions to my own problems.

Naw. You are so sweet. Sorry. The Ritalin is making me have a lot of empathy today. I stay in my room a lot too but I'm not sad. I can get sad but when events in my life happen to make me sad. I love playing games on my iPad, talking on Facebook, writing blog and writing stories. It all involves technology. My bedroom is my sanctuary and socialising can be confusing, overwhelming and frustrating. I still do it though. My meds help me. And last night I had a few end of the world drinks with the people in my house. I had the same issues with people giving me advice and me trying to suppress telling them about my neurology and how difficult that stuff was for me.
Also, I have sensory processing issues so I really can't go to busy places. I still try to though.

Also, keep in my mind some of the things we say don't sound offensive to us. You may have to gently tell him why it is after he's said it. Not straight after, when it's just you two.

I understand though. He's 24 and still is being taken care of by his parents. I moved out when I was just about to turn 25. It was scary. I got pushed into a world where no one would help me anymore. No one making me food or buying me groceries. No one driving me places. Scary. I eventually adjusted to it and it just comes easy to me now. I have people here that will help me when I struggle though because I have had moments when I completely broke down over it.
I'm 26 now, almost 27. I do my own grocery shopping, clothes buying, cooking, cleaning, and got to make sure I get to my appointments on my own. Still unemployed but I'm on the pension and my family just sold our old house. I have a goal though. I want to become an author. Also, might get back into band photography. Can actually get paid in this city for it. I'm working on painting too. There's usually 5 or 6 people in this house plus guests come over a lot, and family gatherings get up to 20 or more people. So I got to socialise. I even bond better now with my nephew and nieces. I wrote a blog earlier this year or late last year about how I struggled to do it. Then I wrote a blog about how much I loved it.

If you want links you can PM me. Or I can PM you.

You're doing a great thing for your brother. You just need to be given more insider information.