How to explain being non-verbal.

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This is the way my daughter explains it. She is 8. She says that her brain is thinking but she can't make her voice make noise nor her mouth move. She will write letters in the air if she can. This rarely happens to her anymore, this state of being non-verbal. All I can say is that I am certain it was not a purposeful behavior or anything done out of spite. She simply couldn't talk.

I think the trick for you will be to help people understand that it isn't due to motivation or willingness. If you are like my daughter, she is quite verbal when she is verbal, so it is really hard to understand that "suddenly" she just can't speak.

Could you explain that speaking does not come naturally to you like it does to most people. It takes effort. So even when you are able to talk, it is not the same as for a typical person who does it without much thought. Explain that like all people, when you are feeling overwhelmed or overstimulated, you sometimes lose your ability to do things that you can otherwise do. Like talk. Just like a good driver might get into an accident if they are distracted. Or how if someone knew how to juggle, they might not be able to do it if they were taking a difficult oral exam.

For me, and the way I tend to communicate with others, I might also add that I sometimes feel embarrassed by this, because I know how it looks to other people...that I am being insolent or arrogant...but that I really do not feel that way at all. I simply cannot talk. I am sorry if it causes the person to feel uncomfortable, because it is not my intention at all. I'd ask that they please don't take it personally and remind them that this state is not a permanent one. As soon as my system is regulated, I'll be back to talking. I the meantime, I can write.

Not that I have ever been non-verbal, but if I were in your shoes, I might write something like that. It's not that I think non-verbal people need to feel sorry for being nonverbal, but I find that if you apologize for the impact your behavior has on another person, they are much more willing to cut you some slack and will maybe even feel sympathetic. Again, I don't think that you need to have people feeling sorry for you, but if you can help them feel something other than annoyed, offended, or angry, I think it helps put them in a more understanding mood if that makes sense.

Good luck to you.

This is fascinating. I find that when I am stressed or if I am trying to explain certain things my ability to speak really regresses. Sometimes I actually sound like a slow two or three year old. I have also had a couple of times when I have been very distraught and I tried to talk on the phone and could not get words out. I mentioned this on a thread that I had started and someone mentioned that it is very common for people to become speech deprived when they are distraught, and this is all people not just those on the Spectrum. But the curious thing about it is that when it happened to me, both times were in phone conversations. I don't know if I have ever become completely unable to articulate words when not on the phone although there are times when articulating intelligent or appropriate words can be quite a challenge for me. I never seen to have any problem in written form. When I write I am fairly eloquent and coherent and I can have a fluid, intelligent exchange. And most times I do extremely well verbally too. It's just certain times, if I am nervous or insecure or stressed or emotionally depleted or upset my ability to speak seems to just slip away.

Steelmaiden, I am curious, do your silent moments come only when you are stressed or are they sometimes random? But what you told Robin about feeling a disconnect with your brain, that is exactly how I feel when my speech goes. I was also told once that when you write you don't have that problem because there is an extra step involved that the brain has to do for speech that it bypasses when you write so writing much easier during those stressful times.

Last edited by skibum on 04 Dec 2013, 8:03 am, edited 1 time in total.

How frightening it must be to want to talk and not be able to! I would be worried I was having a stroke or something.

I can only remember a few times where I had trouble speaking. One was when I froze up while trying to give an oral book report in 6th grade. My teacher kept asking me questions about the story, and all I could do was stare. Another was when I was 16 and called my school to get some paperwork transferred (I was changing schools). I knew what I needed to say, but I couldn't get it out. The secretary on the other end kept saying "Hello? Is there anyone there?" She threatened to hang up if I didn't say something, and after a few minutes I was able to croak out enough words to get my point across. I stutter and stammer and such when I'm nervous -- which is admittedly most of the time -- but I can't recall any other time where I just COULDN'T talk.

My problem is more on the other end -- getting me to be quiet. I'll start talking, and I CAN'T stop. I've even gotten on my OWN nerves, wondering why I can't shut up. And it won't even be on a specific "special interest". I'll just ramble on and on, hitting on a variety of topics, until I finally wear out or get distracted by something else.

EDIT: There is a man (I'd guess late 30s) who comes into the grocery store where I work who I am almost positive is autistic. He never comes in alone, but seems able to adequately function. But he never looks up at anyone, never makes any kind of facial expression, and almost NEVER speaks. The couple of times I've gotten a verbal response from him to the question "Is that all for you today?", he did this strange move with his arms -- almost like he was starting a chainsaw -- and then was able to say "Yes.". That's all I have ever gotten out of him in two visits a week for 3 months. I'm guessing now that he is non-verbal, or at least nearly so.

Funny you mentioned about that man in the grocery store Webalina. Sometimes I make that "chainsaw" move too but I do it much smaller like just with my hands not my whole arms. I find that when I am stressed I make hand gestures like that and move my fingers a lot. I flex and extend my fingers sometimes.

It's not scary to lose speech but it can be a little frustrating. I think if you have a stroke there are other symptoms and that would be scary. But just losing the ability to speak, I can only speak for myself on this, so it might be scary for others, but for me it just feels like I'm having a major disconnect. Sometimes if I am really upset I cry or zone out.

The hardest part or scary part is when the recipient handles it badly. I have had people not understand that this is really not something that I do on purpose and some people even think it is an attempt to make drama or to manipulate. So they get angry at me when it happens. But it really is a sign that my brain is very overwhelmed and sometimes completely distraught and confused to the point where it no longer has the ability to figure out speech in a coherent way. Or it reverts back to very little kid speech patterns. Sometimes my voice becomes childlike as well. So someone reacting to that in anger or impatience only makes me feel worse. And if someone reacts badly that scares me and can make me afraid of the person. I am already extremely vulnerable when I am in that state so bad reactions don't help. The best reaction is for the recipient to be very calm and to basically reach out to me very gently and patiently like one would reach out to a frightened animal or a terrified child. That way, the chain of reactions does not continue to get worse. But my speech issues don't last for long. They usually only last for less than an hour.

But sometimes my speech can regress even if I am not upset. Sometimes it just does and I don't know why. It might be when I have a lot going on and so speech because a difficult process because my brain is trying to work out too much at once. Sometimes it also happens when something is difficult for me to explain. I don't usually know when it is going to happen. I try not to let it show unless I am with someone who knows this about me and does not mind it. But it is a very fascinating phenomenon.

But it's a great idea to have pre-made cards that you can carry for when you become nonverbal. I think that is a good solution for you Steelmaiden. I am going to add this to my Road ID profile as well. I had not thought to do that but someone else mentioned adding it to a medical alert system so I think that is a great idea.

Do you have auditory processing issues? I am not autistic and have never been non-verbal to my recollection, but I do have central auditory processing issues, and I can tell you that I become much more overwhelmed during phone conversations than I do during face-to-face ones. I think that if I were at all prone to becoming non-verbal, it would be on the phone because phone conversations in general are more stressful for me because I have to concentrate very hard to maintain the conversation because I have no visual cues and I cannot see the other person's mouth. I cannot "lipread" in the true sense that I can tell what people are saying when I can't hear them, but I do use people's lip movements to help me track what they are saying. You can't do that on the phone. It is stressful.

I definitely know how that feels. Growing up, during my military days, and even now it causes me quite a bit of difficulty. Sometimes all I can seem to get out is syllables and/or simple words, and sometimes nothing at all. This is a detriment at times, and a blessing at others. It does feel like there is a connection that is slightly off within the brain when that happens.

I don't actually know. I never thought to think of that. I am also a musician and am very good at learning languages so I know that I have very good auditory something. But sometimes I find it very difficult to distinguish what people are saying especially if there are other sounds to filter out. But even if there are not there are a few times when I have trouble understanding speech. It's not often but it does happen and it can be face to face when it does. But most of the time I do great on the phone or face to face and have absolutely no issues at all with it. And sometimes I am as bad in person as I am in phone conversations when I have trouble. I don't know what the determining factors are for when the trouble comes. It seems like it is inconsistent so I figured that the factors are just such that I have not been able to identify them yet.

I carry a card for when it happens saying "I am incapable of speaking at this time, do you mind if I write down my reply?"

Although I have to be careful when writing, as I will still sometimes have trouble with remembering to include verbs, or prepositions that make the meaning clear.

Sometimes I get upset and become overwhelmed and can't talk. That is selective mutism. It's like shutting down.
I think a disconnect between the brain and the mouth describes it very well. That's what it feels like, and once the disconnect happens it's hard to come out of it.
If I go for a long time without talking, for whatever reason, I get that disconnect feeling too.

Someone asked if there were psychological causes. I have had selective mutism twice for lengthy perods of time? For me [and I am only speaking for me,] I am sure there were psychological triggers.

The first time lasted 7 years. I was 7 years old when it started. My home life was hell, but at school, though I didn't have close friends, I figured that the kids liked me. My second grade teacher was named Mrs. Kinkle. She was not a nice person. When students had to use the restroom, they had to put their names on the blackboard, what time it was when they left for the restroom and the time they returned. That wasn't so bad. what was so bad was the requirement after finishing to write whether we "Oned" it or "twoed" it.

I personally found even the thought of giving out that information horrifying. But, that was alright. I had a pretty strong little bladder[and other parts] so I always made sure that I used the restroom before going to school. I walked home for lunch every day and would use the bathroom then, and then go back to school and wait until after school to use the bathroom again.

One particular lunch, my older sister and I got involved in an intense discussion [ about the recipe on the Nestles'tin for a chocolate ice cream soda. The recipe called for sparkling water, and we were debating whether we could run the tap water until it "sparkled" if would that qualify as an ingredient for the soda] When my mother reminded us we were running late, I had to leave for school without using the bathroom.

So, at school, I held it, and held it, and held it, and held it. Finally I raised my hand. Mrs. Kinkle [rhymes with tinkle] looked up numerous times from the reading group and igmored my frantically waving hand. Finally, I just couldn't holdi t anymore, and it felt like a flood escaping from my body.

That is when the teacher asked what I wanted. I said "nothing". she asked "Didn't you need to use the restroom?" I said "No ma'am." And that is when she informed the classroom that the reason I no longer wished to use the restroom was because I was a "disgusting little girl" that had peed in her pants. Everyone laughed. I could not speak in school for 7 years.

The second time was this past August. I was,planning to tell the story, but I can't. What happened,over a year and a half , was so unbelievably unbelievable [and horrible ] that I went mute. This time for a week. During that week i wondered if it would be forever. Until the past year and a half I have never even considered suicide. I thought that I had friends, NT friends, and many of them. I guess I was considered an "uppity" autistic that needed to be put in place. They deliberately and calculatingly talked each other in believing horrible things about me that could not possibly be true.{ I had indisputable PROOF they were untrue that I offerdd to provide, but they did not want to hear it. One woman even made it clear that she knew what the truth was and that I had better keep my mouth shut,

i did. other people were hurt, terribly, because of the lies. One man, a schizophrenic but very good man who I adopted as my brother, died in a monstrous way because of the lies. These people had me convinced that all of the horrible things my family had done to me as a child were alright. They had me convinced that I would be selfish not to take my life.

I have gone so far off subject that I'll go a little more. Last August, after going mute, [not because of being mute] I decided that for the sake of everyone I loved I needed to take my life, that there was NO other option. Because of something I can only describe as divine intervention, in the form of a book, I realized that I needed to stay alive as long as possible so that I could help other autistics[ especially my youngest son] to suffer less. Now, i have devoted the rest of my life to not only alleviating the pain inflicted on autistics but to help others thrive,

What is it called when you can't say long sentences? Whenever I try to produce a long sentence or complicated thought, my brain abruptly stops mid-sentence. There's no anxiety involved or anything like that. I just find it very difficult to come up with the words that I need to express myself while in the middle of talking.

On the other hand, I have no problem writing these sentences out, and if I procure the entire sentence in my head (word for word) before saying it, I will have no problem saying it.

When I had my only burnout a few years ago, I was nearly completely nonverbal for at least a month straight. I would get overloaded very easily then, so could only say one or two words instead of a sentence. My ability to speak easily to my mom (who I was most verbal to) was severely affected.

Vicky, I don't want to take the thread off track but I just wanted to thank you for sharing what you did. Those are very vulnerable times and I would have punched Ms. Kinkle in the nose if I had had the ability to. But anyway, thank you for sharing your stories with us. Big hugs to you.

Now back to topic.

I agree totally. That teacher should have been turned in to the school board. She sounds cruel and abusive. I had a couple of teachers mock me in class, but nothing as hateful as your experience. I'm curious around what year this was -- recent or distant past. My teachers were in the 70s. Back then nothing would have been done for a teacher like your Mrs. Kinkle. But I would think that more recently -- in this day and age of zero tolerance -- a teacher like her could be fired.

I have had this happen too. Sometimes my speech is extremely fluid and eloquent and intellectually stimulating, sometimes I am lucky to get a full sentence out. I never have these issues when I write though.

Or neurological, where their brain's been overtaxed and something's gotta give, so the speech centers go bye bye for a while.

I know I've told friends that if I didn't have to speak (as in 'didn't have to devote thought processes and energy to speech') I'd likely be happier and maybe even function better. I've never actually lost speech, but it can take a lot out of you sometimes. With all the variations on the spectrum, I can see that some WOULD lose speech at times I'm just wishing I didn't have to use it.