Should I tell my autistic daughter to go to bed

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You should ask her what she wants. Most adult would not be reminded to go to bed, but that isn't always the case. I like to be 'hard' reminded of going to bed since I'm not in control enough myself to make a healthy decision about it.

In any case it is most important that she is given the right to control it; even if that involve the wish to be reminded.

OP is a brand new member and should be welcomed to WP.

OP also might be unaware of what sort of information to disclose on the board that might influence the advice that she recieves.

You are right, AgentP:

Welcome, Steph!

She should be able to sleep where she wants.

Maybe OP considers sleeping in the bed part of daily living skills and is trying to help her daughter be appropriate.

Welcome!

That would happen to me, (and still does) and here are the reasons why:
- Sleep problems, insomnia, etc, keep me up and then I fall back asleep in strange places.
- Perhaps she's afraid she won't wake to her alarm? So she sleeps downstairs so your noise of getting up will wake her up?
That can happen if you can't fall asleep till late.
- The couch might be more comfortable (this is weird - consider making the couch her bed and getting a different couch - it can't hurt)
- Executive functioning issues can make us forget what we are supposed to do...so whatever happens happens.

The best thing to do is to talk with her. Ask her. Get her input.
Being different is ok. Couch sleeping isn't the end of the world, especially if it works for those of us who have sleep issues.

Also, consider that something in her room is wrong, sensorily. I wouldn't sleep in my room if something I heard, felt, smelt, or saw bothered me really badly.

OK, so I am 39. I have trouble going to bed. For me, it's a transition thing, I think.

My husband will go up to bed and tell me "don't forget to come to bed".
About an hour later (when he's finished reading), he'll come down to use the bathroom and remind me again "don't forget to come to bed".

Also, I sometimes fall asleep on the sofa (especially if I have taken my meds which make me sleepy). Usually I wake up after an hour or so and go join my husband in bed.

When my husband is not there to remind me, I do even worse at getting to bed.

I say ask her why she isn't going to bed. It might be that she would benefit from being reminded. But not in a telling her to go to bed - after all, as you say, she is a grown up.

Welcome Steph! I have a few questions about your question.

Is this a new situation, you not telling her to go to bed? What I wonder is, how high functioning she is, how long since you stopped telling her when to go to bed, and is she aware that you made a decision to stop? Also, since it's clearly a problem for you that she sleeps on the couch, is she doing this all the time or just sometimes? Does she realize you don't like it?

Does she have an alarm clock and is she also responsible for waking herself up in the morning?

Every household and parenting style is a little different.

Each autistic person is certainly different! So it's impossible for us to know what's normal for her in self-management.

If she has needed a lot of direction in the past about personal habits and you simply stopped suggesting she go to bed because she was over 18, it's possible she would need first to be told that it's now up to her. You might also need to keep reminding her for a while that it's up to her, to manage her bedtime and sleep hours, and that that means she needs to be aware of the time, how sleepy she is, and when she needs to wake up.

Welcome Steph!

I don't think this is a big problem unless she is disturbing you. I wouldn't make it an issue.

Not to mention her daughter's privacy.

Anyhow, I think the best thing to do is talk to your daughter about it and figure out what she wants. Does she like sleeping on the couch? If so, there seems to be no reason why she shouldn't simply sleep on the couch. On the other hand, she may be, like many of us, getting "caught" on one activity, unable to switch to another--including sleeping. If that's the case, she may just be doing whatever she's doing until she can't keep her eyes open and then flopping onto the couch because it seems too complex to go up to her room, change to pajamas, etc. Or she might be so interested in whatever she's doing that just sleeping on the couch seems like less of an interruption.

Whatever the case, you might want to ask her whether she would like you to remind her to go to bed, so that she can keep her sleep schedule a little more regular; or whether she would prefer to just sleep on the couch, with the possibility that the rest of the family getting up in the morning will wake her as well. An alternative to being reminded is to set an alarm, but it must be the sort of alarm that can't just be turned off with an absent-minded gesture. Depends on whether she's found that kind of thing helpful before, and why she's sleeping on the couch to begin with.

The only reason I go to bed is that I set an alarm for 10 p.m., on an alarm clock located right next to my medication, which I don't allow myself to turn off until I've taken my evening doses of medication--which includes melatonin, a dietary supplement that tells your body that it's nighttime, and is often used for jet lag. Using that system, I usually get to bed by midnight. Effectively, I'm keeping my body's circadian rhythm set every day. Before I did this, it was like being permanently jet-lagged; I had a very unpredictable sleep cycle. Even then, most people feel like going to bed within a half-hour of taking melatonin, while for me it can take up to two hours.

Bedtime is just a tricky problem to solve, I guess.

Personally I can understand that you want her to go to bed and I think that it should be encouraged unless she actually prefers sleeping on the couch.

Perhaps focus on making her bedroom and the bed itself a more appealing environment to sleep in, encourage her in to the routine that when she gets tired she wants to sleep and when she wants to sleep she goes to bed.

If you do not want to leave her completely independent in the matter, try to avoid telling her to go to bed as it can seem controlling and nonsensical (why go to bed if you are not tired?) in my experience, but encourage her to instead get in bed when she is tired instead of sleeping wherever she is occupying herself.

Try to help her to form a more regular sleeping pattern, but don't force anything upon her. Apart from the fact that you have no legal right, it'd be best to encourage her to make her own decisions.

Are you expecting her to get up early and look for a job each weekday?

I assume she prefers sleeping on the couch for some reason. Is there any reason she shouldn't? Is it inconveniencing you in some way? If not, I don't see what the problem is here.

Maybe the couch is more comfortable, maybe she just likes the room better or prefers to stay near whatever she was doing before and not "officially" go to bed, perhaps the couch feels more secure because of the arms. I could think of all kinds of reasons to sleep on a couch, but the only reasons I can think of not to are lack of privacy and possibly being in other people's way in the morning.
I agree with BlueAbyss: unless you explicitly mentioned that it was now up to her, she probably is not aware of that. Likewise, unless you say so in so many words, she probably doesn't know if it bothers you or why. Heck, I can't even tell that from reading your post!

I thought I preferred soft couches till I got a good mattress...I think the only reason was because the cushions bunch up so I don't have that gap between my lower back and the mattress or springs causing uncomfortable pressure. I remember sleeping on the floor rather than my bed for quite a while at one point because I could make it more comfortable.

If it wasn't for the good memory foam mattress I think I'd still be considering wanting a couch instead of a bed in my room.