Hugs and pressure

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Seems like the "autistic-pack-rat-thing". You know, when we had some kids here at home this summer, 5-6 of them packed together in a single bed. There were two girls, and the rest were boys. This just seems to be one of those things that happens naturally with (ASD) kids. Adults are not supposed to act like that.

Would you say this fantasy is more common in winter than in summer, or is there no seasonal difference?

No I don’t have this fantasy in any particular season. The need is there. Probably it’a a need everyone has, so much more intense as it has not been much satisfied, it’s not being satisfied. When I was a child my first utterance when I fell or hurt myself was “it’s over, it’s over” meaning the ache, because I did NOT want to be cuddled, or hugged, or physically consoled. I didn’t want any proximity with my mother or others. In my family nobody hugged nobody. I was hostile to my sister who was five years older and we never hugged even later when our relationship was good. As for my girlfriends I remember a hug one of them gave me on a bus (I was leaving) and that made me happy. When I had a reciprocated love, which for a while changed my life, there were no great hugs. The woman was physically hampered from that point of view and that perhaps contributed to the failure of the whole thing. After that I have not received or given many happy hugs. Only one that I remember, from a woman who had rejected me.

I totally enjoy hugs, given the correct timing. If I've just had an argument with my Dad, the LAST thing I want is for him to come in and apologise, much less have him console me physically. Makes me want to run away and break something.

I've found that if I'm listening to music on my MP3 player (an Aspie's best friend when going into public alone), if someone accidentally nudges me anywhere I get an enourmous fright. I like being tightly packed when sleeping, like some products from the local Warehouse store. I haven't slept under more than one blanket for a good while now, mainly because my usual blanket is nice and thick, and I substituted by pulling my arms in my PJ-top in a similar fashoin to a striaght-jacket (no, I'm not insane!). I can't stand sleeping bags, because if it gets hot and I want to reposition my legs I can't!!

And about the tightly packed thing, sometimes when me and my sister playfighted, she would sit on me. After a while she would get off, and then I would ask her to sit on me again because I liked it!

This explains why I and a friend loove being in bed together, there is no sex, just lots of cuddling and hugging with each other. We have done this for 15-16 years. We are both female, I am diagnosed AS, and she is under investigation for AS.

Thank you so much! Now it makes sense1

JulieArticuno

It's not that I don't like to be touched, or hugged. The problem I have is with touching others. I know that people often hug each other, to show them how much they care. But I'm afraid to hug other people, because I don't want to make them uncomfortable. We all go through that period in our childhood where we don't want people, like our parents, to hug or kiss us. But I can't seem to get past that feeling, so that I can feel free to touch other people. I think that being able to touch someone is essential for a relationship, especially when your verbal skills are inadequate, and I think that's the biggest reason I've never been able to establish a romantic, physical relationship with a woman. It's very frustrating.

I see this is a successful thread and there are good reasons for that. It touchs very important questions. I allow myself some pedantry to see if a may shed some light. When we talk about hugs here we generally talk about something that has to do with greetings. When do we expect or give a hug? When we part or when we meet again (my three weeks or more hugs would not be practical as greetings, but they are a fantasy, although firmly located in some part of my mind). When they are sincere (not the kiss between Dubceck and Breznev before the Soviet invasion), greetings are “statements about the relationship”. So they are proportionate to the duration of the separation foreseen or experienced. Long separation, big hug. Strong relationship big hug. Long separation and strong relationship long, tight and passionate hug. If it has been a long separation, oh what a delight in reunion and in some physical effusion!

I apologize for my didacticism, but, I assure you it’s not a matter of theory for me. Would I meet the right person and I would glue to her (or to him) and be happy as mad.

I wouldn't mind being hugged by Starbuline for three weeks, actually! Fantasies are fun, for example, one that I made up just now for content's sake is being a super cool and snazzy weapons maker for my own private underground company. It'll never happen, but it's fun!

Usually I hate being hugged, but I would love to hug people on WP.

Autism-researchers would really need to read this thread before they publish more inaccuracies about autism. Not only have I experienced all of this myself, especially with my autistic daughter that is not at all like the autistic stereotypical emotionally detached type of individual. She loves to hug, but only those she is very familiar with. I've experienced the pack-rat thing several times myself. I'm pretty certain that my suspicion about the function of stims as nonverbal communication is correct, but that is hardly the end of it. I still don't know how I can instantly identify Aspies, how I can instantly get the attention of autistic children in a way that no NT teacher can. I don't know how I can read the mind of many Aspies while I have no idea about what goes in a typical NT mind. There simply must be more to this than just the stims.

I see what you mean. I basically have more or less the same problems with NTs. I avoid touching them because I have no idea when it is appropriate and when not. However, with family and Aspies it is usually a totally different thing.

support workers actually do that, i quite often see other service users hugging their support workers - i don't know if it's part of the job, or just one of those things that's expected of people working in autism / ld / dd (along with unpaid overtime and working holidays!) personally i don't like being touched by support workers, so no hugs for me there

i used to dream of setting up a hugging booth in the town market so all the stressed out shoppers could come in for a nice relaxing cuddle and go out feeling much better, and i'm sure its a job i would have enjoyed too! i could have made a fortune... is it immoral to charge money for hugs? hehee

*sigh* this thread is making me feel sooo lonely, it's been months since i last had a nice long snuggle with another appreciative aspie

I snuggle with my friend, as mentioned above-we call it "nuggling", which is a fusion of the words "nuzzling" and "snuggling".

JulieArticuno

I like being hugged tightly too, and not lightly touched. The only hug I really like getting is from my mom. Anyone else just feels akward.

One thing you don't want to do to me is tickle me because I will kick you.

Seems like I saw a autism t-shirt that said something like "hug me hard" and I remember reading somewhere autistic kids need firm hugs. Sounds like that is the general consensus here. I like being hugged as long as it is by someone I like and its a hug done right. Those hugs from the side or half a hugs as I call them I do not like. A Native American shaman I met, yeah such people do exist, told me if someone you do not like hugs you to put your hand over your heart as they embrace you. Do not give heart to heart hugs unless you trust that person's energy.

I like hugs more than kisses even in romantic relationships. There's one person I would love to hug for like a month straight. She did hug me once and I barely remember because I was so thrilled I think I went into shock. Ahem but anyway I really do think there should be hug therapy for adult Aspies (that want it). I rarely get hugged anymore except for when I see family once a year. Seems like those that need hugging the most aren't getting it. Seems everyone is afraid to hug anymore.

I noticed recently a number of drs will put their hand on my shoulder and give me a firm squeeze. Is this suppose to be some P.C. way of giving a hug without giving a hug because as professionals doctors are afraid of harrassment charges from patients? Well I took it as some form of genuine affection but sometimes I wonder if I read things right. Or was it suppose to be patronizing?

I am glad that there is here a majority desire for hugs, if with the right persons. With all this talk about hugs I even feel like being hugged myself. Didn’t happen for a long time, and I like people here. There will be more about it later.

Given that hugs have something do do with a statement about the strenght of a relationship and that they are connected to greetings, what do you do when, having greeted with a tight and passionate hug before leaving for the airport you discover you have left something at the premises of the greeted person? Of course it depends on the importance of the thing you have left. If it is an umbrella you will probably abandon it: otherwise you would be obliged to repeat the hugs and salutations, with less warmth and somehow a little perfunctorily. Would you spoil the whole thing for an umbrella? But if it was more important? Where lyes the threshhold?

In the case of the Umbrella, I'd agree that something as simple as forgetting something can stuff up the meaning of any departure. However, couldn't you mail to them later or something, or return it to them next time they visit?

I like hugs, but tickling I could do without. Especially when you're laughing very hard so that you can't breath, and you want to say "STOP IT!! !" but you can't. Annoys the hell outta me.