attention black parents

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Yeah, but rejecting your culture isn't exactly the best approach. Wouldn't it be better to step back, look at the culture, and see what parts of it will help and which parts are just going to hurt?

I'm white, of German ancestry, so I'm looking at this from the outside, with reference only to my membership in the minority culture created by disability. But what I see of African-American culture is that these are people who have gotten themselves through some really tough times. They had the whole world against them for a long time. They formed ideals of strong bonds between family members and between friends. They learned to admire strength and toughness and persistence. They learned that it was dangerous to show weakness. They learned to emphasize their own identity, so that others could not take it from them. This happens in any group of people where there is a lot of prejudice to deal with.

Some of that may be coming down hard on your stepdaughter. A disability can easily be seen as a weakness to be hidden, a dangerous vulnerability, because it means you need more help than most people do. You don't just have to be as good as everybody else--you have to be better. You have to justify your right to exist, your right to be who you are. And that is an awfully huge burden to carry, especially if you are barely grown.

But there's also the matter of family working together. If you can't trust the rest of the world, you have to be able to count on your family, right? What if, instead of trying to make your stepdaughter "prove herself" to be "just as good as" the rest of the world, you and your family approach it with the attitude of, "Yeah--she's disabled. She's autistic. So what? She's ours. We love her and she loves us. Anybody who tries to put her down, anybody who mistreats her, will have us to deal with. And, what's more, we're going to encourage her to stand up for herself, to be unashamed of her difference, to get the help she has a right to get without having to bow down and thank the oh-so-wonderful people who deigned to interact with poor little her. Disability is not a reason for pity or fear. She is an equal. She gets to live on her own terms. And anybody who tries to deny her that right is going to have all of us to deal with, because we're family, and we stick together."

This is how slaves were treated

I have a question.

Are you saying that she has done just fine so far with following instructions right off, and that is why you aren't sure the diagnosis does not fit?

Or has she always struggled and you are not sure you can get used to breaking things down for her?

Diagnosis is information, a path to learning how to communicate. Not every person is the same, so how many of the traits apply to the one unique person is going to vary.

As a white male in New Orleans (grew up here)... I believe your statement about "black culture" and "Do what your told and do it right" seems to be a flawed statement... I have witnessed parents telling children to do something, over and over and over... JUST LIKE WHITE PARENTS!! !

HOWEVER... your daughter is an ADULT with a developmental disorder... if your question is indicative of the attitude displayed towards her, I can't blame her. As the answers to your question indicate, it came across as inherently disrespectful... You may sit back and say, "That's not the case!" and be tempted to be offended by that statement, but I suspect that you have not discussed this with her in an open and earnest manner... So... As far as I understand... It is considered rude and a betrayal of one's confidence to talk behind their back.

Further... your post suggests that you don't accept her... Our behavior is not something that we can help at at times.

If you truly wish to understand and connect, I recommend watching this video... It was a shock to many of us on the autistic spectrum... as much as it was to NTs... We, too, sometimes are stuck looking at life through the warped lens of our own perceptions...

VIDEO LINK