auntblabby
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Joined: 12 Feb 2010
Gender: Male
Posts: 114,561
Location: the island of defective toy santas
18 Feb 2013, 10:49 pm
18 Feb 2013, 11:56 pm
I'm feeling more lonely now than I ever used to. It's because of a shakeup in my life, not as bad as Novastorm's. For ten or eleven years I have had a good friend online who now has less time for our friendship because of a huge change in his life (divorce) and it will probably stay that way. Change hurts, even though I ought to be happy we're still friends. Though when we don't talk or IM for days, I get feelings of anxiety and start to imagine we're not friends. I think that's because I never had a really good friend before, certainly not someone who shares so many of my important interests.
Before I was friends with him I used to live a lot within my head -- daydreams and imaginary friends. But I can't seem to go back to that. Maybe it's because I'm older now. It's kind of pathetic to realize at fifty that you've finally outgrown your imaginary friends 
So if I can't go back I have to go forward. But I also know that casual or shallow friendships don't interest me, in spite of feeling lonely. This is a crappy time right now. I can only hope it will change or I can figure out ways to cope.
19 Feb 2013, 12:34 am
Novastorm wrote:
Quote:
Over the last few years I have been feeling bouts of loneliness. Enough to make me depressed when I thought about it. There were times I would see couples out in public and it would hit me that I was jealous that I couldn't have that kind of relationship with someone. However the grass always seems greener, because I'm also a loner and know I need to be a loner most of the time. It really feels like two extremes that fight each other inside me: they can't ever make peace, nor can either of them win. I don't think there is such a thing as part-time friends or lovers. It wouldn't be fair to them and would cause me to much worry. It's really, really problematic for me. It's probably the biggest challenge I will ever face
.This is exactly what I feel too. Thank you for putting it in words for me as well!
I never feel like I can get the balance right, it's a constant pull and push wanting someone near and wanting to be alone not having the energy or will to be attentive and focused on someone else. It is very problematic indeed.This exactly me. It is a constant push and pull. I end up feeling overwhelmed and pull away from everyone, I then find myself alone with no one. Last year it was then worst and I pulled away from everyone.I tried to cover myself with education and ignored everything and everyone. I really just need time to heal and find myself again and become my own best friend.
19 Feb 2013, 2:49 am
19 Feb 2013, 5:13 am
19 Feb 2013, 6:13 am
OddDuckNash99 wrote:
mrL wrote:
I fear developing this attitude. Living quietly all alone.
I didn't develop it. I've been like this my whole life. Doesn't mean I don't have friends. I do. I just would rather spend time with them online or on the phone than in person.
Well having friends is probably exactly WHY you don't feel lonely. I used to think I didn't get lonely, and even though I had friends, I'd just rather spend time alone. However since I had to move, and now have 0 friends where I live, I do feel lonely, a lot. There's a lot of comfort in just knowing that you have friends 'there' even if you don't spend a lot of time with them
So as far as the poll goes, Yes I feel lonely/
19 Feb 2013, 7:27 am
periphery wrote:
OddDuckNash99 wrote:
mrL wrote:
I fear developing this attitude. Living quietly all alone.
I didn't develop it. I've been like this my whole life. Doesn't mean I don't have friends. I do. I just would rather spend time with them online or on the phone than in person.
Well having friends is probably exactly WHY you don't feel lonely. I used to think I didn't get lonely, and even though I had friends, I'd just rather spend time alone. However since I had to move, and now have 0 friends where I live, I do feel lonely, a lot. There's a lot of comfort in just knowing that you have friends 'there' even if you don't spend a lot of time with them
So as far as the poll goes, Yes I feel lonely/
It's the same. Just knowing I had friends provided some comfort that I took for granted.
19 Feb 2013, 8:10 am
19 Feb 2013, 8:18 am
19 Feb 2013, 8:32 am
19 Feb 2013, 8:34 am
19 Feb 2013, 8:52 am
19 Feb 2013, 2:39 pm
It comes and goes for me. I get lonely and a little jealous maybe when I see how effortlessly other people integrate with each other. When I find myself included, I feel annoyed and wish people would leave me alone. I guess I'm just a malcontent.
19 Feb 2013, 9:30 pm
Quote:
I'm feeling more lonely now than I ever used to. It's because of a shakeup in my life, not as bad as Novastorm's. For ten or eleven years I have had a good friend online who now has less time for our friendship because of a huge change in his life (divorce) and it will probably stay that way. Change hurts, even though I ought to be happy we're still friends. Though when we don't talk or IM for days, I get feelings of anxiety and start to imagine we're not friends. I think that's because I never had a really good friend before, certainly not someone who shares so many of my important interests.
Before I was friends with him I used to live a lot within my head -- daydreams and imaginary friends. But I can't seem to go back to that. Maybe it's because I'm older now. It's kind of pathetic to realize at fifty that you've finally outgrown your imaginary friends So if I can't go back I have to go forward. But I also know that casual or shallow friendships don't interest me, in spite of feeling lonely. This is a crappy time right now. I can only hope it will change or I can figure out ways to cope.
Before I was friends with him I used to live a lot within my head -- daydreams and imaginary friends. But I can't seem to go back to that. Maybe it's because I'm older now. It's kind of pathetic to realize at fifty that you've finally outgrown your imaginary friends So if I can't go back I have to go forward. But I also know that casual or shallow friendships don't interest me, in spite of feeling lonely. This is a crappy time right now. I can only hope it will change or I can figure out ways to cope.
Sorry for your loss, because it is a loss - the fewer the friends the more import we place on them, the more impact they have on our lives. I have one friend and one friend only that has stayed with me through the years, but when she married and got children she rarely had time for me anymore. We still keep in touch though, but it's far from that satisfying all-absorbing time I seem to need. A decade later I'm still frustrated by this (ever been told you cannot let things go? I get that a lot - now at least I know it is part of my being an Aspie).
I hate change
lol. I seem to be more and more rigid the older I get, I want things my way and I'm old enough to know what way that is now at least. I have the same problem with the fear and anxiety, it's interesting to hear someone else describe it like that. Ppl get annoyed with me because I get surprised they even remember me when we haven't been in touch. Esp my X, and I do understand her, but I cannot seem to get my mind to hold on to the feeling of being loved, no matter how many times being told; if there is no contact or communication I drift into that same "we are not friends anymore"-thinking, which is very destructive.
I live a lot in my head, and it can be a very interesting place too
BUT... as with you, I can't go back to being completely content there anymore. I crave contact! I hope this is just a "getting over her"-phase so I can get myself back, but I fear I have changed too much for that. My coping with it atm is being online reading and writing like this lol. And no, I don't want to invest in causal or shallow either. At best, it is a quick fix, but it never sates and always costs way more than I have to give.
So, let's both bravely go forward, any way we can, and please let me know if you find any coping methods that work!
19 Feb 2013, 10:29 pm
Quote:
Good post easy to follow your writing style.
My best insights have never come after sharing with someone because I find it hard to accept others views and I get angry when I find out people don't think the same way I do. When I go on long walks in nature that is when I have my best insights. When I am around people it is frustrating voicing my opinion only to find out they don't agree with me so I don't bother discussing much with anyone. Its very ego centric way of thinking but I realize this behaviour is mostly due to autism. Also seeing things in black and white people also point out that I don't see the middle ground, in my thinking it is one way or the other.
Fear being alone with their thoughts? wow, I am most comfortable with my own thoughts and wish to solve most problems on my own.
My best insights have never come after sharing with someone because I find it hard to accept others views and I get angry when I find out people don't think the same way I do. When I go on long walks in nature that is when I have my best insights. When I am around people it is frustrating voicing my opinion only to find out they don't agree with me so I don't bother discussing much with anyone. Its very ego centric way of thinking but I realize this behaviour is mostly due to autism. Also seeing things in black and white people also point out that I don't see the middle ground, in my thinking it is one way or the other.
Fear being alone with their thoughts? wow, I am most comfortable with my own thoughts and wish to solve most problems on my own.
Thank you, it's difficult sometimes to keep up or express myself, with the English not being my mother tongue.
I had to smile when I read your post because:
*I don't take parts in debates although I want to because I get frustrated and hurt when ppl have other opinions and views (esp since they are completely wrong imo
). I now know that this is part of the syndrome, and I'm accepting it as just being me, and I no longer have to put myself through the stress it means to challenge myself to try (always unsuccessfully) and change and adapt to other peoples' expectations.
*I want to solve all problems myself and I'm used to never asking for help to the point of it being destructive.
*I have always been told I see everything in black and white. Because of this, they slapped a Borderline (now "emotional instable personality disorder") label on me in my youth that was all wrong, and caused me a lot of grief through the years, they removed it when I got my AS officially.
*I cannot be around people physically without feeling flooded, even invaded, losing myself completely and needing days alone to recharge, so I have stayed away from any kind of social gatherings the past decade. Unfortunately I now don't even go to the museum or movies which I love, because being around strangers stresses me out. "It's only a disability when it keeps you from doing what you like", well that's where I am at
and the result - more feelings of loneliness.
And yes I have met many that can't stand being alone with their own thoughts, something I never understood either. To clarify, my best insights come after days of deep complex thinking on my own, but it seems that the progress I make is doubled after having a really good talk with my friend or GF. Perhaps because I've never felt as close to anyone, been so understood. I have lacked that understanding all my life and now I find I need it. And I miss it sorely.
LtlPinkCoupe
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Age: 32
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19 Feb 2013, 10:43 pm
