I don't understand. An explanation please.

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Yes, but it has a lot more to do with some people being as*holes than it does with being competitive and an "I'm better than you," superiority thing.

One can be a highly competitive person, and genuinely better than others at what they compete at, and openly state so accurately without being an as*hole. If someone wins a race or a contest of any sort and declares such, ie "I'm the champion of the weekend! Thanks for a great race & challenge, everyone." it's drastically different than if they were to have won and then said "You're all pathetic losers compared to me!"

See the difference? Exact same scenario plays out, but what they think & say about it makes all the difference in others' perception of their win. In the first one, I'd congratulate him, maybe buy him a beer. In the second, I'd tell him to go f**k himself like he deserves to hear for being a jerk.

IMO, there's no problem being competitive with others, it's all in how you win if and when you do. Poor winners can be much worse than sore losers. It's key to be self respecting & respectful of others when winning if you don't want to be socially alienated for being an arrogant prick just because you excel at something - but just because you excel at something does not by any means mean that you shouldn't celebrate your success, just do it appropriately.

Oooo no, as opinionated as I can be, I am scared of aggression or violence in the real world. I run away if someone comes at me aggressively! I became a VERY good sprinter at school...I relied on out running them rather than having to fight.

Not obsessing over it is a good advice all the same though. It gives me headaches.

I guess someone like me might make you run pretty quickly.

How do you do it appropriately though?

An example would be when I used to get my academic grading. I would just tell them or show them without making any comment on how I felt (although I often felt pleased) and they still attack you for it. They just seem to assume you are saying you are better than them which is not the case at all. Oftentimes I am just passing on information.

Not that I have never used my grades to put someone else down but only when they attack first. I once had a 20 page argument/debate with a group of people who were attacking me left right and center on a different site. I stayed reasonable for 19 of the pages but then lost my temper and called them all a bunch of idiotic twits with the intellectual capacity of an amoeba (or similar) and left the thread on the last one.

I often don't mean it (depends how hard and far they push and how often) though as I get flustered when under attack and don't know how to deal with it effectively.

I only have so much patience and that varies from day to day.

Well the exercise is good for me...

HI, you can email me the links if you wish or post the thread...that way other people can access them too if they are interested.

Always happy to look at pictures and patterns regarding such stuff.

Indeed, they even do it on science documentaries which is really irritating.

I never saw any kind of logic to the way people behave. The games they play for the purpose of elevating their own pathetic social status are beyond the comprehension of any kind of intelligent being. It reminds me of a fable my dad told me when I was little:

A fox and a snake are on a riverbank looking at a beautiful green meadow on the other side. The fox wades into the water to swim across, and the snake says "Let me ride on your back to the other side."
The fox said "No way! You'll bite me!"
The snake said "What kind of sense would that make? If I bite you while you're taking us across, I'll drown."
The fox considered it, then agreed. When they were halfway across the river, the snake sank it's fangs into the fox's neck. As he floundered, dying, the fox said "Why would you do that? Now we will both die!"
The snake replied "You can't blame me, you knew what I was when you agreed"

I've made similar mistakes by impulsively saying what was on my mind and having others perceive it as arrogant when I simply implied it as a matter of fact. Basically, when in doubt.. stfu & be humble about it. Don't announce your grade unless asked, simply smile & say you're pleased with the result. If someone wants to know more, they'll ask, whether they're happy for you or want to compare to their results - whatever, it doesn't matter, who cares - if they want to know, they'll ask.. but if you just flat out declare that you scored 95% on your paper and completely nailed it! There's a chance they'll perceive your matter of factness and happiness with yourself as outright arrogance. It's a fine line that's difficult to walk. It's sort of an application of the "less is more," philosophy.. say less, it'll get you more in the end. No need to completely conceal your achievement, just try to be more subtle and humble about it & then others won't have the opportunity to take offence. It'll also get you more opportunities for conversations if they're interested in asking you about your grade as you won't have already just blurted out the info. There's value in even practicing those simple back and forth reciprocal interactions.

bolding by me

Your high grade is not information they need or want. This is where it gets complicated. When you pass on information that hasn't been asked for, the reciever of that information (if they are NT, at least) will ask themselves "why am I being given this information?". Passing on information isn't a neutral action. People will look for a motive as to why the information has been passed to them. In the absence of any stated motive (which is what happens when you show them without making a comment), they have to figure out the motive. The motive of you saying you are better than them really is a reasonable assumption. It may not be the correct assumption but it certainly is reasonable since they did not ask what your grade was.

Every action you do that affects another person will cause that other person to wonder what your motive was. Sometimes the motive will be obvious. Sometimes the motive will be stated by you.

I realize that this is one of the core causes of friction between NT and AS people. There have been many threads where an AS person will post "they ascribed motives to me that I never had". Although not framed that way here, this is another situation where motives were assumed. But if you don't want other people to assign motives to your actions then either state your motives (tell them why you are showing them your grade) or don't do actions which affect them. If somebody asks what your grade was then your obvious motive is that you are complying with their request. But if they didn't ask, then you will be assigned a motive- even an incorrect one- if you give them information they don't want or need.

Last edited by Janissy on 04 Apr 2013, 4:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I figure if people are nasty for no apparent then it's got more to do with what's going on in their head than anything I've done. Nasty people have a lot of negative energy collected in them and they like to spread it around.

People being nasty for no reason?

I attribute it to the never-ending quest by primates to achieve "social dominance."

Some people accomplish this by aggression and nastiness. I suggest reading the book I, Mammal. It goes a long ways towards explaining many otherwise baffling human behaviors.

I can't lie. I do this. I wish I didn't, and I've managed to dial it back, but I still do it. And it is often because I assume that the other person understands everything the same way I do, or that if I explain my understanding they'll accept it as logical and reasonable.

There are generally two reasons I have mentioned my grading. 1 is they asked me how I did. So I told them. It's like asking me how I am...although I have learned in regards to that one to just say "im ok how are you" which makes me cringe each time I say it but say it anyway. I may not be feeling ok, I may be feeling better than ok or worse than ok and I always seem to feel the need to add why...but I try to refrain from doing so.

2 They are talking to me in a patronising manner and every time they say something adding comments like "and I know that is complicated" when it is not. At some point I may try and point out that I got good grades at University and hope they understand that I am not a complete imbecile just because I am a bit awkward whilst I am socialising.

It is not that I think I am better than them, but I do feel a little offended when people talk to me like a 5 year old who does not understand anything and then treat me like I am a complete idiot. I am merely pointing out that I am not completely stupid and that I do in fact understand some things even if my social skills are not brilliant.

I don't feel entirely comfortable saying 'Excuse me but can you not talk to me like an idiot" as it feels like I am challenging them and I don't like conflict, so I merely point out what my grade average is and hope it helps them understand.

Perhaps I am doing the wrong thing?

Is there another way I can deter people from talking down to me?

The only other times I might pull my grade out is when I am under attack (as mentioned above) or if I am just feeling pleased. I am just feeling pleased really and am not thinking about it in terms of superior and inferior. I am honestly just excited. I sometimes surprise myself like the time I got the 97% on a physics paper on my last Uni course. I had never done physics before and had always avoided it as I consider it to be a brainiac subject. It was only basic physics in this case (year one) so it doesn't really count for much (I wouldn't take it in the later years when it gets more complicated...) but all the same I was very surprised by my result and was rather happy with it.

Otherwise I don't mention my grades much.



I will bear this in mind.

Oooo interesting sounding book! I ordered a copy.

It goes nowhere towards explaining anything.

We are all mammals, and all primates, but we arent all nasty (or not nasty all of the time).

Why does this primate instinct manifest that way in some people, and not in others ( or manifest differently in others)?

Thats what you need to address.