Have people ever described you as "scary"?

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An often overlooked scary trait in female aspies (and males to some extent): the voice.

Also, I'm trying to be helpful rather than mean: the facial expressions of some female aspies look "evil" like depictions of a witch or Cruella DeVille. I know it's not their fault at all, and I feel sorry for them. It's probably fixable once aware of it.

I think this is why some female aspies, while having better social skills on average than male aspies, still suffer worse treatment in society.

^^^ interesting thoughts Tyri0n. Yes, I believe 'evil' may have been mentioned before I certainly seem to come across as a lot more scary than I think I should. I know I get told my voice sounds 'icy' sometimes. <sigh>

I will have to ask a couple of tame NT's I know for their opinion. Then practice 'normal' in front of a mirror.

Or maybe I should just be myself, and misunderstood by all except those here on WP. I know really I'm a pussycat underneath

I hope you weren't hurt by what I said. I just meant it to be helpful based on what I've observed, not to imply that all female aspies meet that description, or that I think that female aspies who do are actually "evil" or creepy. I don't think so because I know the reason for it, so I override my gut instinct easily. Others who don't know the reason behind it may simply act on their gut instinct.

Also, I doubt most NT's, even so-called "friends," will be honest with you. Particularly if they are your friends, they will see you in a favorable light and, at best, dress it up. If they are not your friends, they will not be honest with you. That's been my experience. Maybe it's a gender thing though. If not, you'd probably get more helpful advice posting a YouTube video or posting pictures in the Members Only forum.

I have gotten many useful tips posting videos on YouTube of me interacting with others. Anonymity means people are more likely to dispense brutally honest advice.

I think I sometimes make people uncomfortable because of my shyness/social awkwardness. Other than that, not really.

Not scary, but intimidating and I'd have to say that I don't see myself as intimidating at all. I think it is because I have slightly rigid body movements, I tend to look at people too intently, my face at rest does not wear a pleasant expression, and my voice and speech is probably a bit too formal when I am uncomfortable. Also, some people seem to think I am smarter than I am and I think they find that intimidating. I mean, I'm not unintelligent, but sometimes I just see things in a radically different way and people credit me with too much brain power and insight. It's not rocket science, just a different way of seeing things. But all of those things together make me seem cold and intimidating to people who don't know me.

Really, I am a giant softie.

No, I wasn't hurt by what you said, I was just acknowledging the truth in it. And you pointed out before you said it that you were trying to be helpful. I am not sure how others interpret things on here, but I struggle with intent at the best of times, let alone in writing when you can't even guess if someone is trying to be helpful, sarcastic or whatever, and I know I can sometimes come across in a way I really didn't intent to. So pointing out what you are trying to say is appreciated, thank you.

You may be right. Although to be fair probably the best feedback I get is from people who don't know me well, their reactions are clear enough for even an Aspie to read


That's good advice, I will consider doing that. Thanks for your thoughts.

I've been called annoying quite a few times, and intimidating. One guy who I had never talked to before said I was quiet when we had to do a project together.

For me I think it's the facial expressions and body language. That's what I've been told in the past is weird. When I look at people in the eye, focus in on them, I have a creepy googly eyed look. With kids I try to do a bit of a fake smile or I do a nervous smile, to greet them and I scare the crap out of them.
Moominggirl , I can relate, I know my default look isn't blank but I think it's something really creepy to other people.

Hi daydreamer
I read a lot of 'body language' and psychology / human behaviour books when I was a teenager. That was before I even knew I was an Aspie, but I guess I always realised it was something I didn't have an innate understanding of. As a little kid I was always very quiet, and I think I learned a lot by just watching people and copying them.

I don't find eye contact my biggest problem, but then sometimes I am accused of having an 'evil look' so maybe I don't always pull it off as well as I think I have not been accused of 'odd' eye contact though, except for the aforementioned hard stare.

I do find that it helps to think 'soft eyes', and also to count how long you are looking at them for, and then look away quickly every ten seconds or so (is this right? I have no idea, but it's my best guess) I am sure I sometimes look odd to them because I am randomly breaking eye contact, but I find it avoids the 'fixed stare' problem.

I also found it useful to look at pictures and videos of people (Hollywood stars or whatever) who looked friendly and approachable, and try to copy their mannerisms.

For the most part, not, but some people have been a bit surprised at how much I know about "dark" topics--for example, how you might most effectively poison someone, why the Holocaust happened, the circumstances under which cannibalism is ethically justifiable, the psychology of serial killers. I think I seem too innocent at first glance, and I don't project the appropriate disapproval and horror into my voice when I talk about things like that. So it can be a little unsettling to some people when I casually talk about something they find disturbing, because my expressed emotion isn't what they expect it to be. In reality, I know about those things partly because I care so much about why people do horrible things and how most people manage to avoid doing them--I'm also fascinated with saints, martyrs, and heroes, but those things aren't nearly as disturbing to others. I take such an intellectual approach that it apparently disturbs some people. But that's how I deal with evil--I analyze it. Understand it. I like to know my enemy.

When I drink Tequila, yes.

Well, they must have

A). A number of people have told me that I ended up in their bad dreams

B). At least two people have asked questions (or made comments) indicating that they could easily see me as someone getting really p1ssed off.

C). THE WORST: I've had people who know me well overreact when I have a minor complaint about something they have done (criticism), or even just say 'no'! They act all startled and even frightened, as if they are scared of me!!

D). I'm not included in a lot of things that you wouldn't invite a scary person to (i.e. a person's home).

Yep, all the time.

Yeah, I try that too, to think 'lower eyes' or to" look away and back" at people so I don't stare, I like "soft eyes". The thing is sometimes I look away too abruptly or do something weird with my eyes when trying to lower them and that looks creepy too. For me it comes from social anxiety, it happens when I'm nervous, like when I'm looking for jobs so my being anxious and insecure somehow comes off as creepy. Looking at normal people's mannerisms might help. Thanks for the advice.

Yeah, I've been called crazy, said I look angry like I want to kill someone even though I was just thinking, and I can be intimidating without even realizing it. I have people who are scared of me, one of which is a 6'5" tall buff guy (I'm a 5'5" girl and not buff). But then I've always had a passion for weapons and love learning about death, like how to kill someone, serial killers, psychology, torture, executions. But I think that stems from the fact that I've always had horrible morbid dreams full of fear and death. Which is another way I've scared people off.
This one guy I talked to online claimed he could "See" other people's dreams, so I told him about this one where the human race was enslaved by aliens and while I could never figure out if he was honest or not, he claimed he saw himself in the dream, in this pod thing and he asked me what it was and I told him it was a pod where the aliens kept the food for the infant aliens. He freaked out and I never saw him online ever again. So, no idea what happened there.
I've even had random strangers tell me I look angry... my own brother was (is?) scared of me too. He went around telling people I was insane.

No. no one has ever said it in words, but I know I have scared 4 people and made a fifth person wary around me. That I know of.

Two of those who got scared, were two women I had two independent incidents with. There wasn’t any history with either before that, but due to two different things that happened, I overreacted and blew up at them. One incident was 5 years ago, the other must have been 3 or 4 years ago. In the case of the first one, I didn’t see her again until a month or two later, and then she was visibly nervous and at unease with me. I didn’t say anything about what happened and neither did she, I just treated her like I did before that, and since that we seem to have had normalized relations again. I don’t think I’ve missed any subtle ‘still wary’ cues from her, because she’s acted normal and talked and shared some pretty personal stuff since. I don’t think she’d have done that if she was still upset or scared. The other one is still avoiding me; whenever she’s about to leave and sees me, she goes back in. Every time. Can’t be coincidental. I think she’s blowing things out of proportions, it happened once, nothing much happened at all and nothing’s happened since. Silly.

The third person was a complete stranger. A little less than 5 years ago I was on a bus. I was thinking about something very bad that had recently happened in my life and I was in a lot of emotional pain and filled with rage. As the bus came to the end station I got up to get off. My feelings must have shown, because a woman standing near the door facing me actually jumped backwards when she saw me. Not kidding. I must have had some look on my face!

The fourth person was a woman who also was a stranger. I was downtown and had bought some stuff so I was carrying some bags. I thought I had just missed the bus I was looking for, so I was going to another bus stop a few minutes away so I could take another bus. A few meters later two things happened simultaneously. On my left side a woman bumped into me, and on my right side the bus I had hoped to catch in the first place drove past me. I whirled around to check if it was the correct bus. The woman who had bumped into me turned around quickly and stared at me. I quickly set course for the bus stop to catch the bus. In doing so I was moving towards the woman who just stood there, and she ran around another woman she had been walking with, and hid on the other side of her while looking at me like she expected me to do anything to her! My thoughts were only at catching that bus. It was comical. Had I had more time I don't think I could have resisted saying "Boo!" before moving on but I had to run after the bus. Gad there are some weird ones out there!

The one who stayed wary of me is someone who never did anything to me, but who I lashed out at 13 years ago because of jealousy and fear. My conflict with her lasted some months, after that I just ignored her. She stayed wary around me, keeping an eye on me when she saw me for at least two years after that.

Can you elaborate? What exactly is it about the voice? I only have myself to judge by and while I think my voice is unusual (based on recordings), I don't know why it would be scary. Please elaborate so I can understand!


Ticking them off usually helps getting the honesty going!


I'm impressed that relatively small females here are able to scare big men! Man I envy you that, it's gotta make you feel safer? Like at least they won't do anything to you?