Ever feel invisible?

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Grevesy
Blue Jay

Joined: 30 Apr 2013
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04 May 2013, 6:22 am

Kafke wrote:

" It's hard to know what to talk about because I know people dislike me talking, but I don't know what they want to talk about either. "
Also, how do you know if someone dislikes you talking? Do they specifically mention it, or do you just get that feeling because (like me) they just seem to ignore you?

It's something I have learned over the years. When I talk to people about something I am interested in, often they give limited response and then ignore me. I was often excluded from conversations particularly with my peers. Or they try to change the topic of conversation. My mom used to point it out to me when I was younger, that I talk too much about myself or things to do with my interests, and other people dislike it and find it boring. Sometimes my friends tell me as well, by saying that 'G, no one cares' or 'you've already told us that a hundred times'.

People make fun of the way I talk a lot, too. I'm not too bad with affect, but my regional accent is a flat one anyway - I'm from Birmingham, UK - and sometimes I say things wrong. Now that I'm an adult people nowadays find it more funny to laugh at than something to pick on me too much.

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Caseyfritz
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05 May 2013, 11:27 pm

My theory is that being ill-equipped with socializing, others that are experienced will come first. In a group dynamic, there is a social warfare. Joking insults are thruist about like swords, but it's teasing and it's all about power, and everyone is grappling for the throne. When talking one on one, people like us often have no problem, but in the group, we get left behind and become invisible and not even worth being in the arena. We simple aren't armored and experienced enough to wield the heavy sword of social experience to take place and effect people. BUT, if this is what you wish to achieve (I wish to as well) then for the ill-equipped, the best thing to do is begin one on one as practicing at becoming a very good listener. Then, once the reputation as a listener is set, use that skill in groups. Listen and see what happens. I bet others will be more attentive to you. Since group dynamics are too complex for our weak social skills, then I think the "listener" is the best defense and may allow for fitting in.

MjrMajorMajor
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05 May 2013, 11:40 pm

I understand that feeling, but maybe I over compensate for it. If I say something (nontrivial) and get no response, I will butt in with an "excuse me" very directly until I have their attention. It may seem rude, but I get their attention. I might throw in a quick apology after the fact, but I know I've at least been heard.

HaySkyNat
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06 May 2013, 1:05 am

All the time.

briankelley
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06 May 2013, 1:22 am

I feel I go unnoticed, am invisible and easily ignored.

However, I also often feel like I've got a giant neon arrow pointing at me, when it comes to panhandlers and con artists.

briankelley
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06 May 2013, 1:33 am

Grevesy wrote:

Now that I'm an adult people nowadays find it more funny to laugh at than something to pick on me too much.

Adult NT's have a weird tenancy, especially men, to display affection by making derogatory remarks. Trashing you is their way of showing they like you and think they have a special connection with you, that us Aspies are imperceptive of. I've had to have a few NT's explain this to me over the years.

Me: "Why are you always giving me such a hard time?"

NT: "Because I like you a lot, I thought you knew that, I thought we had an understanding".

And they're genuinely being completely sincere.
.

Kafke
Raven
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06 May 2013, 1:51 am

briankelley wrote:

Grevesy wrote:

Now that I'm an adult people nowadays find it more funny to laugh at than something to pick on me too much.

This reminds me of when I first learned of friendly "joking". This sort of thing happened when I was in 4th grade. I forget what was said exactly, but some kid in my class, along with the teacher, kind of poked fun at me. I started crying, and it took them a good 20 minutes to make me stop and teach me what "joking" was and why they do it.

I still have a hard time with it now and again, sometimes I'll be to blunt/harsh, and other times I'll take something the wrong way.

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briankelley
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06 May 2013, 2:06 am

I've decided to react to any and all derogatory remarks, jabs, insults, rude comments... whatever as being amusing to me.

A side benefit of this is, if someone is indeed trying to offend you, displaying amusement really ruins it for them.

Nightingale121
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06 May 2013, 4:45 am

Grevesy wrote:

I wasn't sure if this was just me or not so thought I'd ask.

I often feel like I am invisible to other people. When I walk to the bus, there are always people walking towards me on the pavement but they never move out of the way, forcing me to squeeze past them or walk in the road. When I am queuing, people push in front of me, and when I say something they say that they didn't notice me. If I'm waiting to talk to someone who is already in a conversation, like a lecturer or tutor, they don't seem to notice I'm there for ages, leaving me standing awkwardly while waiting. And if people I know are talking about something and I try to join in the conversation, they always pause for a moment as though surprised.

I have been giving it some thought and I'm not sure if I'm not giving the right non verbal cues, or if it's a reflection of my own disconnected feelings that other people are picking up on.

Does anyone else notice this or feel this way?

I know this, too. Especially this tutor-situation is something I notice very often. To join in a conversation is difficult for me because I often don´t know when exactly I should start to say something. So I sometimes just interrupt others or don´t say anything because I am always afraid not to find the right moment. Another experience I often make is this: There´s a group of people standing in a circle and talking to each other. Someone comes, they open the circle and let the person in. When I come it is different. The circle doesn´t open without saying something, the people just seem to ignore or not to see me. So I always stand out of the circle. I sometimes even am ignored when I want to pay in a shop. Although I was first, others can pay earlier because I am "invisible" for them.
I also guess I´m not giving the right non-verbal cues, that´s my explanation.

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sdfasdf
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06 May 2013, 5:13 am

Nice post! I have learned a lot.

TheSperg
Toucan
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06 May 2013, 5:57 am

Android7 wrote:

I think this maybe a problem with western societies that the quiet ones are ignored and forgotten about? I know that when I visited Ghana in west Africa people tended to include you in-regardless of how shy you where.

Most likely you stood out to an amazing degree(guess).

You want a funny story? I've had this happen to me where I am probably the least inconspicuous person possible, a white guy with an American accent in a part of Trinidad where there were likely no other white person for miles. Get in a share taxi(it travels a preset route, like a small bus) all the other passengers have left and the driver has not yet arrived at my stop out point. Then he takes a wrong turn and I loudly announce hey what is the deal. He looked like I scared him badly, and was like like how the hell did I not see you in the PASSENGER SEAT.

:roll:

Thats only one story of many, the point being I can be invisible everywhere. My theory? The absolute lack of human body language and posturing, you become an object or a non-person and they filter you out.

revolutionarygirl
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06 May 2013, 8:37 am

Android7 wrote:

Grevesy wrote:

I can understand that in cities its better to close off from everyone else as there are far too many people.

However, I have noticed these exclusions in relatively small groups, with people I am familiar with. Similar to Kafke, I've also had people listen for a short while, then go back to their conversation and ignore everything I've said.

I've even had this happen at the Doctor's. Waiting for a blood test for half an hour, I tried to ask the nurses what was taking so long each time they came to collect another person to go in, even those who had not been waiting as long as me. Eventually when I was the last one left a nurse actually heard me and gave me such a look of confusion, as though 'why was I there?' After explaining my situation it turned out that my appointment had not been registered correctly. However, I had been ignored for a long time despite trying to catch someone's notice. It's a strange sensation.

My family don't talk much to each other, but my younger sister is much more sociable than I am, so whenever we are out together she tends to dominate any conversations. I don't mind that much.

The only reason I can think of is that they may have not been expecting you, thus the confusion and you being ignored? Also when you tried to protest what did you do or not do, that failed to get the nurses attention.

I think this maybe a problem with western societies that the quiet ones are ignored and forgotten about? I know that when I visited Ghana in west Africa people tended to include you in-regardless of how shy you where.

This! In America especially, outgoing, extroverted=superior, shy, introverted=scum of the earth, so lowly they do not deserve our attention. And I feel invisible a lot too, though I've noticed if you keep your head up while you walk, people will not run into you as much.

howzat
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06 May 2013, 2:33 pm

This happen to me all the the time and therefore i feel like i don't exist but that's life really they is not a lot i can do.

Marky9
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06 May 2013, 3:38 pm

I have had things like this happen to me, and still do.

Ever heard that song "Mr. Cellophane" from Chicago? That is me sometimes.

I think it is due to a few things:

1. Non-verbals that convey meekness - This seems the cause of some of the sidewalk/waiting room scenes.

2. Conversation pacing - I've noted that in informal groups that pace of statement/response is more than I can keep up with. My responses a delayed sufficiently that others jump in before I speak.

3. Randomness - My comments ever so slightly miss the mark of the current group vibe, so I am ignored.

4. Verbosity - Related to pacing. My family speaks in one-sentance statements to one another at a fast pace. I tend to speak in paragraphs, and it again dampens the vibe of the convivial group banter, so I am less allowed to "space" to participate.

5. Wrong Crowd - I do better to realize that there are those groups that I fit in with, and those that I don't, and that it is better if I focus my attention on the former.

WestBender84
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Joined: 25 Apr 2011
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Posts: 132

19 May 2013, 7:34 pm

Yes, until I shout at people then get arrested and fined for disorderly conduct.

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