Do people reject you in sneaky, indirect ways?

Post Reply New Topic

Okay that's a good explanation , the face saving thing. I still don't understand when people go out of their way to offer something "just to be polite" when you haven't even brought it up. That confuses me so much. If I had asked someone to do something and they said yes just to be polite, I'd understand but why do they have to go out of their way to ask me to do something if they don't want to in the first place.

Also I have had 2 girls in the past who wanted to spend time with me and I found them very annoying and couldn't hold a proper conversation with them. Also, I only answered questions they asked and didn't ask them my own questions and didn't look at them ect (because that's the way I am with people I don';t like)so I don't know why they ever wanted to spend time with me. In both cases they asked if I wanted to do something and I said I was busy. They kept asking and I kept saying I was busy but would hang out another time with them (I was sneaky). Then I felt really guilty about misleading them and in both cases wrote them an email saying I didn't think we had anything in common and so I didn't want to be friends with them. One of these girls was on the spectrum, I met her at a support group and the other had an intellectual disability so even if I were a subtle person and able to give hints they probably wouldn't get my subtlety. I still think it was the right thing to have done. My mum and sister disagree. I told them about one of the girls. They thought I was very rude to her. I thought I was being respectful. I respected her enough not to mislead her and make her wonder if I wanted to be friends or not. People have mislead me in a similar way and I have trouble figuring out who genuinely wants to spend time with me and who doesn't. This has caused me a lot of anxiety in the past and so I thought being honest with these girls would spare them that.

I would say "I don't wanna go" if the invitation was something I didn't wish to do, and if it was the person I was rejecting I would make sure to say 'no' in a very rejective way, and likely without giving any explanations because I would wish to discourage them approaching me again.

If I was on the receiving end of the rejection, and it was me they didn't like, I'd much rather hear "not with you" rather than some excuse that leaves me uncertain. I'd much rather take a direct hit so I knew where I stood and could write them off and not bother them again. It might be disappointing but I wouldn't be offended by it. It'd be refreshingly honest and I would respect their wishes and stay away.
I'm not likely to take initiative at all, but when/if I do, I'd like to know where I stand. As it is, with people being so afraid to say what they mean, I would even take something as serious as say "I can't, I'm going to my grandfather's funeral" to mean "not with you" just in case, because I'd rather err on that side of it than be a PITA and ask them again because it's not obvious to me that they can't stand me.


Are you kidding me? I thought that "have to wash my hair" line is the ultimate insult, the way to go if you really wanna humiliate someone.


gad no, they might actually come! Yikes

Last edited by Skilpadde on 12 May 2013, 3:51 am, edited 1 time in total.

Hmmmmm, the answer to your question is probably "it depends". I think we would need an example to look at that particular social situation.

Another related issue is that as much as some would like to "simplify" social rules, or refer to them as "NT rules", it does'nt work that way. Depending on how big your enviroment is, you could easily be dealing with 100+ social interactions a day, and so is everyone else. There are few practical ways to determine what someone's motivations are on a regular basis, nor is it easy to determine how someone else percieves the enviroment that particular moment in time.

Sometimes, the reason why something went wrong is'nt because of AS or non-verbal communication, but simply that someone had a bad day and took it out on the first person they could find.

They were, and you're right, they wouldn't and don't. They still have the new site and it's "thriving" in it's own way, although they've pretty much made it into something that shouldn't exist, where they state what they believe and expect everyone on there to believe it as well.
Needless to say, I don't even mess around with them, and I feel sorry for the users because some of them (that I last saw before they banned me) are very impressionable, so they're easier to convince. I just find it funny, those boneheads do what they do, and still think they're pure enough to be angels of some kind. Oh well, God will judge them with the judgement of the profits when the time comes.

Anyway, I totally agree, I don't personally care what other people believe in (or lack thereof) though, I do expect other people to not judge me on the grounds that I do or don't. With me, I approach a mix of the two in many ways (Christianity and the paranormal), though most don't like it lol.

I have a "friend" who goes out of his way "to be polite" to people. I have no idea why he does that.

Once he and I were going to a cafe together after class (he wasn't my classmate). Then unbelievably he asked my classmate to join us whom he knew I really disliked just because she happened to be there when we were going and he wanted to "be polite". She wouldn't have even known that we were going to a cafe or anything. He also knew she was a gossipy b1tch, who had spread untrue horrible gossip about me. That was absolutely unnecessary. And of course she joined us. That ruined it for me.

I have no idea where the logic is in this going out of the way "to be polite".

double post

Last edited by Moondust on 11 May 2013, 4:29 pm, edited 1 time in total.

That's an untrue cliche to pacify sheep. You, AP, are wiser than that, I know you. Proof is they wouldn't act the same if "the first person they could find" was the Queen of England (or someone who had the power to spoil things for them).

Same about what Skilpadde wrote: "I would say "I don't wanna go" if the invitation was something I didn't wish to do, and if it was the person I was rejecting I would make sure to say 'no' in a very rejective way"

Some people here are very unaware of their own behavior, not only of the NTs' rules. It just disempowers you in society when you decide to criticize rather than understand. Knowledge is power, don't give your power away or someone mean may take advantage of your ignorance. We aspies can't get intuitive, so we must get wise.

Daydreamer, "saying I didn't think we had anything in common" -- If you chose to go with the truth, then this isn't the truth either. The truth is you don't feel there's anything in their company that you'd enjoy in an outing with them. Your letter was a respectful move in that you stopped giving them false hope, but the reason you gave was neither the truth nor polite, feel-good sneakiness. If you're anyway not giving the truth, then better give some feel-good excuse such as "I don't enjoy going out" or something. I tell you this because I see in you the me I was at your age (you know we have very similar backgrounds both neurologically and family wise). The worst, from my experience, is when we take the plunge, but we still get it wrong and fall in the middle, not achieving one or the other. Don't be like me, don't learn these things at age 50. You have everything to succeed because you started a lot younger than me. If I'd known these things at your age, the world would've been mine.