How to develop a thick skin?

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I think part of developing a thick skin is learning to ignore comments and opinions of people who you don't hold in high esteem. The only people who can prick my skin are those people I respect.
Another part of this is developing a good sense of self-esteem. When you are confident within yourself, snide or nasty comments by others are seen through for what they are and no weight is given to them.
So this isn't so much a case of developing a thick skin, it is learning whose opinions to value and being sensitive (thin skinned) towards those people but also knowing whose opinions to ignore and be thick skinned towards those people.

I try to remember that every breath I take is a finger in the eye of those who are uncomfortable with my existence. I still get hurt, but I am much more confident about my ability to survive and less concerned with other people's judgement. Things might not get better, but everything changes. Sometimes I still feel like going back to bed until the current situation is different, though, so I hardly have all the answers.

I can relate to everything you said. I am even slow too. People have complained about that with me and I have even been fired from a job because of it. Could that be an Aspie thing?

Yes, autistics have large motor co-ordination problems, and bilateral co-ordination problems.
Yes I too have been bullied doing work because of this. It was horrible.

Glad I could shed some light on some stuff.
NTs really don't hang onto things in the same way. They cope better with the rough and tumble of daily interactions, and they filter it all out better.
We don't process these things normally, the words of the looks and the emotions others felt or made us feel, and so on. It doesn't just get wiped away with us.

That makes a lot of sense.

I'm so glad to learn this because I have been made to feel like I was less than or even bad to be this way. So it makes me feel so much better to know that it is an Aspie thing. Thank you for your posts,

I think part of my learning not to worry about what others think of me was to do things on purpose in public to make people look at me.

My daughter is a bit embarrassed at times especially when I'm blurting things out at the top of my voice when we walk down the road or doing a funny walk but I just really don't care in fact I think it's funny.

I think life's to short to worry about what people think of you.

I agree with this, and that's why it makes no sense when people say "just get a thick skin" like you can just go to a store and buy one. I see emotion as a fundamental human thing and, to me, blocking out your emotion seems like hiding your humanity and artifically trying to turn yourself into a psychopath. I don't want to be a psychopath - I've had regular contact with a real psychopath throughout my childhood and they're horrible, horrible people.

As a child, I had no concept of self-identity and people did not help guide me toward one, either. I feel like a large chunk of my childhood is missing, because people never cared enough to consider me as an individual, to explain my actions to me and help me get a big picture of *why* I am the way I am. Now, Asperger's is a huge part of my identity; however, I only discovered it by accident. My mom did not tell me anything about it or about my childhood diagnosis directly until I overheard her talking about it, and I will never forgive her for that. Because my identity has only developed over the past ~5 years, it's still very weak. My self-esteem is also generally high, but it's also very unstable. I often find myself looking at social media profiles of my classmates and it makes me very sad how they were already so confident and self-aware during high school; it is something I missed and was so upset about that I took an extra year of high school to try to regain it back after finding out about AS.

Generally, now, I see ASD as a very positive thing and I am very attached to the DSM criteria, in that, whenever I do something that is different, I consider it in light of ASD criteria or characteristics associated with ASD and then don't judge myself for it. However, I have a different kind of fear.

I am very, very scared of being perceived as crazy/unstable. Aside from ASD criteria, which are already established, I have trouble accepting myself as different from others on the spectrum. In other words, I have trouble being my own person if my own behaviour appears irrational to me or to others in light of any frameworks that already apply to me. That's why I need constant social validation. If someone on the spectrum suddenly rejects me, says that my behaviour is strange, or acts in ways that are radically different from how I act, I instantly become agitated and anxious because I am scared there might be something else wrong with me that no one has ever told me about. It also troubles me how I've been straight out rejected by most of my classmates for years while many others here appear to have had at least some social life during their school years. I need constant validation that my actions can be explained by me being on the spectrum and not by some other problem I have that I am not aware about. That's why, once I can no longer link a behaviour of mine directly to ASD and I get punished by someone for this behaviour, I break down over it completely.

Yeah, that's exactly what I try to do... to reframe it in a particular context that is predefined. I need to be studying for my exam on the 16th, but this whole thick skin stuff has been getting on my nerves and I decided to throw it out here.

Thanks, I was really touched by everyone's replies. Does anyone have any specific feedback on my situation, as described above?

P.S. I also find it really hard to just reject a human being. I don't know why...

Last edited by MathGirl on 08 Aug 2013, 3:02 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I find it really hard to reject people too even if they are mean to me sometimes. Maybe it's because I know what it feels like to be rejected and I don't wish that feeling on anyone. And also because I know that I have done plenty of wrong things and bad things and been mean sometimes myself I try to forgive others the best I can. It's not fair to not forgive others when I have done things that are just as bad.

It's a shame you didn't realise this was part of your autism. We really don't process these things normally, and things people have said, looks they've given me, negative emotions from years ago, can stay with me for life and make me feel just as dreadful as when it just happened. I have personally been subject to a great deal of bullying and abuse and in horrible situations, however this applies to many of us on the spectrum and to even relatively mild situations causing distress.
It's not your fault, your brain just works differently; you're not making it up and you're not a bad person.
Glad I could help.

For me, that was the trade off. I'm not bothered as much because I no longer care...and it comes across just as that.

Exactly...

Yeah, I'm slow, too, but realized it was part of autism early on. I've read almost 50 books on autism up to date because it made me feel really good about myself to read them. Also, many people I've interacted with said it was part of their autism... that's why talking to people who are like you is so helpful.

Mat Girl wrote to Jonov:

I don't want to give you too much to think about before your exam, but sometimes explanations need to overlap, though also generalization, meaning grouping things only under a particular category, can serve a function. The way people use material will begin to shift and change over time as learning occurs.

Math Girl wrote to littllebee:

In my opinion this is the key to the transformation of the mind..Of course as the mind develops by becoming more comprehensive, and also by deliberately learning how to employ the making of various isolations (encapsulations) as a transformational device, the brain will change, too..The problem is that making protections can sometimes form a kind of enclosure that becomes a prison, so when a person begins to understand this, and most people never do, then the birds in the trees and even the angels will begin to sing. It becomes really thrilling.

If a person sees the situation when he is young and aspires to try to find the way out, then that is extremely fortunate. You are very young and have a special mental capacity, so if you become inspired to develop not just for yourself alone, but for the benefit of others, help will begin to come to you in many ways and from many directions.