Strategies for overcoming isolation and loneliness?

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IF you can get involved in the performing arts in some way it will help a lot:

If you are a performer, your medium cuts through the superficial social 'rules' and communicates on a visceral level. This forms connections with others, by default.

If you are a non-performer contributing loyalty and/or volunteer effort (doing publicity, painting scenery, sound mixing, staffing front of house), you will be beloved of those whose passion you are supporting while engaging your own, and find yourself socially involved without trying.

And, just incidentally, these fields are FULL of aspies, so your chances of rubbing up against people like youself are many times greater than in most 'interest' groups.

It was my great good fortune to have fallen into a music community many years ago. Thanks to the internet it has been possible to maintain those links even though circumstances have separated us geographically. These are deep bonds of friendship that persist over time.

So, even though in normal life I am as big a lonely mess as anyone, a classic 'outsider' still experiencing interpersonal disasters that she cannot fathom, at times of trouble I call out and my true connections help me remember the pain is only circumstantial, not existential; that I am not really alone.

Lastly, things go better if we stop focusing on the quality of interaction with others and just get on with finding our own centre. Oversteering tends to breed artificiality, in my experience. It is a bit of a cliche but true, I think, that the more true you are to yourself the more you will attract people who value integrity. These are people who can win YOUR respect as well. Win-win.

You will be okay, just as long as you do not give up. Do not EVER give up. Pick yourself up, brush yourself down, and steer a path slightly different from the last one. Eventually you will find the one that gets you through. xx

hello aspie wolf, yes radio and electronics were massive for me years ten to pre-work at seventeen when we lived in a peculier sh***y back-biting village. goung back forty years later they still regard me as 'local' and all have something bad to say of the other. perhaps 'cos I've never been 'local' since i see this more.

There's a lot of negativity on here. Just telling people to "F**k off!" isn't going to achieve anything, or telling the poster that he'd be better off on his own. I feel for the poster, I'm even lonelier and more isolated; there aren't even any unsuitable groups for me to join. He's asking for help, and my advice would be to work out why he wants/needs more social contact and then devises a strategy, which may well require a lot of work and possibly a drastic change in attitude.

Really interesting issue, and one I suspect many of us have in common.

The scenarios in the original post all focus on discussion groups where there are a lot of people talking and socializing is the main goal of the group. As far a social situations go, this is pretty intense. (Personally, this kind of thing is nightmare for me, and something I avoid as much as possible.)

I wonder if discussion groups are not really the best way to go. As Nambo mentioned below, perhaps something activity related would work better, where people are busy doing stuff and discussions might be limited to a subject. There are art/ceramics classes like this, where people are mostly busy doing their own thing, but happy to help when they are asked a question, or willing to chat a little bit about the technique they used, etc. The same people would be there week after week, so it can be easy enough to learn their names after a while. (It doesn't hurt that people tend to put their names on their tools and art boxes!)

Another option might be lectures or meetings on a subject, where someone is doing a presentation and then when people mill about afterward it's easy to start a short conversation about something relating to the lecture/presentation. Guided hikes or nature walks in your area might also be good. I also enjoy exercise classes where there is a lot of energy in the room and we're all working hard together, and at the end I feel like we've all been through an experience together even though no one but the instructor talked. It's not social in the traditional sense, but it still makes me feel connected to others.

So I guess my point is that there are many ways to enjoy the company of others and be in a group that don't involve super-intense socializing/discussions. Maybe these things are not quite as social as you are looking for, but personally I often find them fulfilling so I thought I would offer the suggestions.

Hope you find something that works for you!

I have the same problem! I'm always an outsider eventually. I really try hard in the beginning, but the rejection from others makes things so uncomfortable that I can't bear it anymore. Then people don't think i'm trying, but i am! It is just so upsetting to be an outsider, I can't put myself out there anymore...

Also have a similar problem with regards to things focusing too much on intense socializing (or conversation) rather than an activity. One thing to look out for is that even "activity" focused groups may have socializing as their hidden goal.

For example, a group comes together to discuss a political subject, but no one really delves into the subject at all; the goal is for everyone to get to know each other. Bad example but can't think of anything else at the moment. "Talking" (special interest) groups are probably not a good idea for that reason.

Events that revolve around food - I avoid those like the plague also, because even though it may be taste testing or learning certain recipes, there is a helluva alot of time spent just sitting and milling around. Many activity-focused groups have a huge number of "breaks" or awkward moments where you are waiting for someone to take the lead. Of all activities, I would say sports or movies carry the least risk (but even with movies, everyone will probably want to get together for unstructured chit chat afterwards).

I feel socially excluded. I'm not sure how much is real and how much is in my head, maybe 50/50, but the fact is all around me people are getting on with eachother and making friendships and i dont feel ive made a real friend in many years.

I have the views and opinions of an outsider having lived as one all my life so I guess people pick up on that and take it personally as if being an outsider means I hate people when it doesn't.