Trust

Post Reply New Topic

I trust people on some things, but not on others. Well, I don't naively trust people. When people tell me lies, part of me knows they're lying, but another part of me wants to believe it, so I do.

But other things I don't trust people on. Like I think people talk about me behind my back at work, or people don't like me. It's not because of missing body language because I'm good with recognising body language. I just get paranoid a lot, because I have had some bad experiences with people, which didn't help my social phobia.

I trust everyone, unless my 'gut instinct' shows me that they are "impure".
I suppose it is because I project the way I am onto others and therefore consider them to be trustworthy.
HOWEVER, if someone proves that they are not trustworthy then I no longer trust them, but initially I always trust strangers. I know that it is stupid, but it is how I am.

I've only become less and less trusting over time - and I was never really particularly trusting. So it seems that, with the one exception of StarCity, none of us trust people easily. There's probably a good reason for that - the vast majority of people don't justify the trust put in them.

jrjones9933 makes a good point that there is no single trust scale. I trust different people with different things, but I prefer not to when I don't have to. If I can do something myself I will not entrust another person with it. When I must, I consider the person's past behaviour to see if they tend to do what they say they will.

I also consider how like-minded they are, because that affects my ability to predict how they will act in a given situation, so I would trust a like-minded person more. This is important. There is a very NT person I've known for a very long time and consider a friend. I trust him not to act maliciously towards me. Nevertheless, I cannot trust him to do as I ask, because he is just too different to me and too confident of his own judgement. It saddens me, because it places severe limits on our friendship, but that's how it is.

I'm wary of most people until I get to know them. I will only be comfortable with letting a select few people get to know me in person. I don't feel that this is necessarily the same as trust though, or I feel that that's a small aspect of trust.

I find a lot of people don't really care if they see someone talking about someone else behind their back. I guess it's because the people who the person in question is divulging their trash-talk to, thinks they're 'in' with this person. And they very might well be. Trash-talking about someone else can be a bonding experience for some people.

Of course, not everyone who's being told negative things about someone else will feel this way. I generally don't feel this way. I will admit sometimes I am like that, but generally only about and with someone when I both know them really well, and I definitely wouldn't call it trash talking. Sometimes it's about a personality trait that the 3rd person has that gets on both our nerves, or something we'd ideally like to bring to the attention of the 3rd person but can't, or it actually is something I'd tell/have told the 3rd person and it's usually not intended to be mean. Enh, I have so few friends right now and interact so rarely with people that this doesn't really come up anyways.

In general though, trash-talking about someone who isn't obviously being a purposeful ass is a good indicator that I don't want to have anything to do with that person. I wouldn't take others not caring about this trash-talker as a sign that you're mistaken. Lots of people are just jerks and lots of people just don't care. If this person makes you uncomfortable and you see them as a mean person, they probably are. If it turns out you're wrong about it and they were just having an uncharacteristic bad day, you'll see soon enough that what happened was a rare occurrence.

I tend to approach new people with the assumption that they are probably trustworthy, although I don't expose myself emotionally to them until I am reasonably sure about them, which can take time. More often than not, my optimism is rewarded.

I simply take precautions against the NT tendency to gossip and be two-faced. Although it can be hurtful to realise that some people can't keep a confidence and others can be back-stabbers, it doesn't really ultimately affect me in any way (unless I have majorly misjudged someone's trustworthiness, which has happened occasionally).

I tend to form hypotheses about people's characters (if I am possibly going to interact with them) by assuming that mutual friends or colleagues form a 'peer review' test of that person's nature. In general, the most positively-disposed I am toward members of their social circle of acquaintance, the more I will tend to display trust toward someone.

I also try to remember that not everyone will meet my rather strict standards all the time, so I can shrug off the occasional slip-up. Generally I try to treat others as I would hope to be treated myself, and usually we manage to rub along somehow. And the very occasional social calamity is the exception in my experience, and is discovered long before I planned to take someone thoroughly into my confidence.

I am wary of people until I get to know them and get a sense of their character. I get suspicious of cold, rigid people for some reason (unless they are on the spectrum - I don't make assumptions about them). When I first meet someone, I tend to do a lot of small talk, which I really hate, but it's a way I guard myself from people. As well, until I know someone well, I'd rather focus on themselves rather than me. I tend to trust people who are happy, open-minded and friendly/pleasant more than others. I don't trust people who are overly negative, pessimistic or who talk negatively about others.

As a child and teen, I was extremely eccentric and had many unconventional thoughts and ideas - I still do, but had not learned to hide these things well. I'd get obviously fixated on different things and openly escape into imaginary worlds. I was often misunderstood, mocked, and bullied because of this, and this is why I am always hesitant to reveal myself to people - in fear of rejection or the other person not understanding where I come from, which is nearly all the time unless we have the thought or idea in common.

This is why I only talk to people in a one-to-one situation.

I trust people as far as the prove they can be trusted.
With most people that's not particularly far for most purposes, and far enough for specific purposes.

Generally speaking though, I guess I don't really trust anyone with everything.
People are just too unpredictable, fickle, and capircious.
I did, I guess, but I don't think I can trust that person anymore either, which I suppose hurts even worse than missing them constantly.

Besides, if I take care of all the important stuff myself, at least I only have myself to blame if it gets screwed up.
Still, lack of people to trust in is what loneliness is made of.