Anyone else here find it difficult to trust people?

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You're not wrong, and you make good points that are universally wise. But the problem arises for some people who may find that they get targeted for more "sh*t happens" than others do.

It's the "more" part that makes some of us just sick to the back teeth of the frequency and volume of betrayals. I really do believe that SOME people come in for more of it crossing their path than others --- even when some of us try to exercise discernment and strength.

I'm now 52, do you not maybe think I've already realized all the very true and wise things you've said in your post? Your post is a really good one, but some of us already know this stuff and still also know that we seem to have not been able to avoid having more than our fair share.

That's where the rub is.

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Last edited by BirdInFlight on 03 Nov 2013, 12:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Aw, you're too kind and you're making me blush -- I have so many failures in "being positive"! I'm very imperfect but I do care when I see pain, because I've had so much of it myself. I'm really glad you feel something has helped; it sounds like you really do care about this person and that you understand her. I agree with you that that alone, seeing through a face she may have put on things, can cause anger because someone goes about thinking she's doing a great job at covering it all up. And if someone comes along and sees through that, even with the most caring heart, it can cause a backlash -- I'm afraid I've done that to someone too!

I think maybe she's afraid that you "finding her out" in her vulnerabilities might compromise the dignity she feels hiding them gives her. We all want someone to know and understand our fragilities and our sources of pain, yet at the same time it's not comfortable for someone to almost present an "Ahah, I can see all your wounds, let me help!" thing to them. Not saying that's what you're doing, but even the whiff of that can make someone want to close up because sometimes it feels almost humiliating to be laid bare for someone, and for them to know all the sad places underneath. I can't speak for your friend but the word "maintain dignity" comes to my mind -- the person who tried to let me know that they sort of know how much of a wreck I am inside felt like they were robbing me of the dignity of at least trying to mask some of that "wreck" as a private matter. Even though that poor person was in fact coming from a place of care and concern. I think they just "rushed at me" too soon with too much "I know all your inner wounds" kind of thing.

I hope that makes sense or helps? I wish you the best with your friend -- you sound like a wonderfully loving person who really feels a deep connection to her and she might really need you, even if she's backing away from that at the moment. Try to go slowly and allow her some of her mask; sometimes I feel my "mask" is necessary to function.

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YES!! !! ! I think this is exactly what happened. In fact, if you weren't from the UK I would think you were her bc she is just as sweet!. True.
I came on way too strong. I do pray a lot so I think God enables me to see things that other people don't always see. I tried to cover it up by saying it wasn't anything she did or said but just that I saw a part of myself in her. I don't think she bought into though. She is in a position of authority and has made it to the very top of her field so I am sure what you are saying is correct. I often wondered why she seemed so nervous around me when I was the one who should've been nervous around her (and trust me I was and even admitted I was nervous). I think that only made her feel more uncomfortable. Once I got to know her better I figured out she probably has AS (there is a whole list of things) but I don't think anyone else suspects that. I think I only figured it out because I am familiar with it bc it runs in my family.

I really don't have too much time left with her as I will be moving on in another direction. I am not sure if I should continue to email her from time to time. I DO feel like we met for a reason and that we can help each other. She did say (just as you mentioned) that though she is very public (well known in her field) she is also very private. I am not looking to gain anything from her so I hope she doesn't think that. I really don't have anything to gain from befriending her from a professional standpoint anyway. I only have about another month left with her.

Just curious....how would you respond if that person you shut out emailed you every once in a while to see how you were doing? I don't want to intrude either.....I just want to leave the door open but I highly doubt she will ever contact me.

I don't even completely trust my parents after being humiliated, taken in by that ridiculous Santa Claus ruse. I still can't believe I ever fell for that nonsense.

I should start trusting people, but I can't and don't. If I did I'd have a roommate and that would help with the rent.

Hmm....I think I would have felt that was okay...as long as the general tone of the e-mails were light, airy, upbeat and non-specific.

For example, a no-no for me would be something like "I still feel that I could really help you feel happier in life because I think I understand you..." If my particular person I was guilty of pushing away wrote me now and then with that kind of message, I'd be running away even faster, hahah!

But a friendly "hey there!", and bits of your news, which might prompt bits of her news in return -- that would definitely be the tone to maintain.

The fact that your person has reached quite a status in her field makes me imagine that even more so there will be a defensiveness about any inner struggles or sadnesses she may carry inside, feeling like it's beneath her dignity to let those vulnerabilities show to anyone. So, yep, take it very carefully as you go forward; I think it must be very important to her to maintain a show of strength, and she feels maybe a little shaken up by someone knowing there's other things going on underneath, even with the best of intentions. You might keep up those lighthearted e-mails while also treading very carefully and letting her open up in her own time, I'm thinking.

I hope that helps! I'm just guessing in the dark, based on my own rather stubborn act I do of curling up in defence like an armadillo in all its armor!!

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Yes this definitely helps!! ! In fact, it is the best advice I have found since being on here. I only wish I had received it sooner rather than later. My persitence serves me well when I am trying to learn a new skill like knit or play the guitar, however not so much in a situation such as this because like you said it tends to drive people away.

I love your ability to not only be introspective but to articulate it so freely. I think there are many people out there who exhibit the same behaviors but would never have the courage to admit it. Yes. I really need to learn how to be a little more subtle in my interactions rather than taking the bull by the horns so to speak.

This is great advice. I certainly know where you are coming from and unfortunately situations such as these make me want to do the same, but then I hear stories like yours it it gives me a whole new perspective on life.

Some people I trust very very deeply but others, I have a very difficult time with. I don't know what makes the difference for me. It might even be a vibe I feel or something.

BirdInFlight: I am not sure if you will get this message in this format so will private message you as well. Would it be possible to talk about this offline? I had an interesting conversation with my friend today and i would like to get your insight is that is ok. If so maybe you can respond via my private message. Thanks!! !! !

BirdInFlight: I am not sure if you will get this message in this format so will private message you as well. Would it be possible to talk about this offline? I had an interesting conversation with my friend today and i would like to get your insight is that is ok. If so maybe you can respond via my private message. Thanks!! !! !

Overestimating other people's friendliness or good will is a problem I have no idea how to fix. I have done this in the past, where I will share something I am struggling with, with an acquaintance - thinking that they will hear me out and offer some advice (as friends apparently do). But often what happens is I share it and get a cold shoulder. Then I feel stupid for having thought too well of that person, when it becomes apparent that they may greet me with a nice smile, but really don't give a s&^% about me.

Then the question forms in my mind, do I need to think flatly or poorly about everyone before they prove themselves? What I mean is in other words, definitely don't think well of someone until they prove that they are worthy of that trust. It is a logical conclusion but still leaves one very isolated.

It seems that for most people, it is obvious with whom they can develop high quality friendships where people share things and really feel for one another. I envy those instincts. When I was a kid at school, NT girls seemed really good at that whole listening and empathizing thing, but only among their chosen friends.

Or, maybe it's all BS and I am reading too much into it. Maybe those who pretent to empathize are doing it cynically. I still don't want to believe that this is always the case! I don't think it is.

Often when I thought someone might be that good a friend to me, I badly misjudged them! Usually they just didn't care. I guess I was lucky not to get suckered in by a false friend or sociopath, though the danger of that is constantly there for the hapless Aspie.

I am exactly the same.

Never trust anyone and always seem to think are they lying i don't believe them

I have some problems when I'm trying to trust people. For me, it stems back to when I tried too hard to make friends as a child. I would just talk to random people at first, which resulted quite badly for me socially. I made very few conversations with them, which pushed me into choosing not to talk to them period, knowing that doing so would only make them more mad at me. Later on, I became reclusive and would rarely talk to others, except to those who actually wanted to talk to me. Even today, this trust issue makes me somewhat cynical when I try to talk to others. Hopefully this can be changed, but it is not really so easy to change when you are at odds with yourself.

I have a very hard time trusting people when I first meet them. It takes a while for me to come out of my shell. I've been hurt by many people, even people I'm supposed to trust.

After many bad experiences and very few good ones, I have learned to trust every one. I 100% trust everyone to do exactly what they think is in their own best interest and if that includes knifing their best friend in the back, they will

I guess you could say that, I don't trust many people and its only to a point with the few that I do. I don't think there is anything that can change that, I just wish I didn't care as much then maybe the trust issues wouldn't raise so many walls.