Selective mutism

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Yep, this has been an issue most of my life. Most people I interact with mostly get put into 3 categories. Category 1- complete silence. I will rarely ever converse with this person beyond a simply hi, or bye. I will only speak in short sentences or one word answers, otherwise completely silent and will not to talk to said person (most people fall here). Category 2- I will put the effort to mask my weirdness with the person and will usually copy their personality traits and interests. Will never go beyond most surface level conversations, but can hold a conversation for a limited amount of time. Category 3- Full unmask and allowed to be my full quirky self. I can count the number of people on one hand that fit into this category.

I've never really understood Selective Mutism, but I find it fascinating. There were one or two girls I went to school with who were, in retrospect, probably selectively mute.

I have had it since I was about three, and I haven’t talked to or around anyone outside of my family (in person) since 2009 because of it. I have rules that I created without realising, and as I got older, they got stricter.

I knew my sister’s husband for eight years, and I had to be forced to talk to him. When I did, it was only a very quiet “Hi.” Because I couldn’t let him hear my voice, I felt like it would be wrong to let anyone else hear it, so it started to turn itself off whenever I left the house or anyone came to our house. There was a time when I thought I would have to speak to a lawyer, and I was so anxious about having to say even one word that I delayed my sleep each night, knowing that I could have a letter when I woke up that said I had to talk to her.

Even when I know no one is there, I can’t talk anywhere outside of the house or car (or a motel room/cabin). If a family member is on the phone, I can’t talk until the phone call has ended in case the person hears me in the background. If anyone accidentally hears my voice, or might have, I want to cry. It’s like a very strict law was broken. I think I’m mostly scared of how people might react if I talk. I can picture my family members crying because they’re proud of me, and the thought of a big deal being made scares me in case I feel like I’ve done something wrong.

It has slowly been getting better now that my sister’s husband isn’t around anymore and I don’t have to see him. I have sent a lot of voice recordings and some videos to my best friend, who I have done a voice chat with and a video call with (I barely said anything in the video call).

It has been getting even better in the last few months. I posted recordings of my voice on here and another forum. I’ve been trying to desensitise myself to having my voice heard, so I’m taking small steps like talking while someone is on the phone or while I’m outside my house (only outside the front door). I forgot I was in our backyard yesterday, and I answered my dad when he talked to me from inside the house. I’ve been trying to find a therapist in my area because I would like to try therapy again. I wasn’t ready in 2015 when I tried, and the therapist I had didn’t know anything about Selective Mutism.

We have a park at the end of our street, and I’ve been thinking about going there by myself one day. Then if anyone says hi to me, I’ll force myself to say it back.

I have suffered from 'Selective Mutism' as it is called since early childhood, and I do not use the word 'suffering' lightly here. It is a very misunderstood condition, even among mental health professionals. It is definitely not a choice not to speak to certain people and in certain situations. It is not the same thing as just not knowing what to say to people, or being afraid of saying the wrong thing. Those factors may well be present, but there's much more to it than that. Selective Mutism (SM) as I experience it, is a kind of phobia of speaking; a fear of other people hearing me speak. The anxiety of being in a situation where I am expected to speak or where I might be called upon to speak, especially in a group situation, can be so severe as to render speech almost physically impossible. In those situations I am extemely self-conscious about how my voice sounds. I hate the sound of my own voice anyway but it sounds different and very strained when I am under that kind of pressure. Along with that anxiety about speaking, goes very severe social inhibition and that inhibition can affect not just speech, but movement too. For some people with Selective Mutism, that inhibition can be so strong that they cannot eat or smile in public, and if they do they need to cover their mouth so that other people don't see them with their mouth open.

Other people cannot fail to notice and the more attention people draw to our not speaking, the more fuss people make over it and the more we are pressured to speak, the more impossible speaking is going to feel because then we fear the big reaction we will get if we do speak. Because of the general lack of understanding, people make comments about me sitting quietly in the corner, being a 'dark horse' and 'it's always the quiet ones you have to watch out for', usually said in a jokey way. Mostly they are not nasty people and they're not setting out to be unkind or hurtful, but those comments are deeply embarrassing, shaming and painful to hear. Even if somebody remarks 'you're very quiet' it is difficult for me not to break down in front of them because this is such a sore point for me. Then there are the jokes where people pretend that I'm the noisy one; 'W is noisy' or 'stop shouting, you're giving me a headache'. The sad thing is, they don't usually mean any harm and they might genuinely not realise that I won't enjoy or appreciate that kind of joke. Even teachers in school, if a very quiet or selectively mute child is off sick with a sore throat, are not above making 'it must be all the talking you do' kind of jokes. Lack of understanding also means that people have often inferred that I am foreign and that I don't speak or understand English, or they think I am personally prejudiced against them for some reason and am choosing to snub them. Occasionally people have assumed that I am intellectually disabled to the extent that I lack the cognitive ability to speak and to understand language, and on at least one occasion I have felt I needed to prove myself capable of writing my own name.

I am in the UK and was a child in the 60's and 70's. I also have Asperger Syndrome which wasn't diagnosed until I was in my early 40's. I had a difficult childhood because of Selective Mutism, to go into details would just make this post too long.

I too dislike the word 'selective', it is a very inappropriate work to use here. If you select something you chooose it and nobody would choose to be this way, especially nobody would choose the consequences of being this way. On the contrary, it takes choice away from me over how I would have liked live my life and over the way I would like to be able to relate to other people. I can only speak for myself here, but I feel it has taken my dignity away and left me feeling less than human. I think the most serious consequence of SM for me is the damage that it has done to my self esteem. It has meant that I could never really grow up and I have never been able to learn how to socialise. It has rendered me virtually unemployable and it means that if I do become a grandmother (against all the odds I married and had children) I may not be able to talk to my grandchildren, at least not in front of their parents, and I possibly won't see them much anyway because I won't be able to talk to their mothers (I've got sons). SM can be isolating in the extreme, it's almost impossible to make friends if you can't talk to people. It also makes it very difficult to have a relationship. I have had two serious relationships, interestingly both of them were with men whose first language was not English., but it was hard going

As an adult I have got a lot better. A few years ago I stopped allowing other people to speak for me so I have to find a way of advocating for myself. I have got better at what you might call 'functional speech' ie making enquiries, making appointments, deling with doctors and such people, asking for things in shops has got better but it can still be difficult. But I cannot do small talk or speak up in a group setting. In most situations I cannot do what you might call 'expressive speech' ie expressing opinions, making my views known, especially if they are ones that others might disagree with and I cannot easily assert myself so I am socially vulnerable. But this condition will always be with me to some extent, it feels very much a part of me and I shall never really be free of it.

Sorry this has turned into such a long post, if you've read to the end, thanks for reading.

vintagedoll

Thank you, thank you, thank you! Those are my feelings, exactly. I hope we can continue to share our experiences if you'd like someone to PM. My life is oh, so similar!

Hugs!

I am just recovering from selective mutism, actually. I think i went into a shutdown and state of anxiety from bullying which is what caused the mutism.

I carry a little card with me that explains why I get situationally mute. That way I can just show it to people and they can understand. If someone causes me a lot of anxiety, I will not be able to speak to that person. If a situation causes me too much anxiety I will not be able to speak in that situation or context. My card which I made explains this. I keep it in my wallet. I also have a great app on my phone which explains all of my different issues as well. I can custom write whatever I want to expalain and I have a screen devoted to explaining how my situational mutism works.

Has anyone else experienced more than one kind of selective mutism. Since I was a child I had some speech issues but throughout grade school to peers, parents, anyone most of the time I could open my mouth but I couldn't form words or make any sound. That has gotten a but better with time but getting worse has been another type where my kind goes blank, I get nervous, feels like I will "lock up" vocally but it never gets to that point. Instead the anxiety gets overwhelming and I have to remove myselve from the situation. While less distressing, the second type still results in not being able to speak many times where I need to. Anyone else have an experience like that?

I would say I have this to an extent. It's not that I can't talk, it's just a clam up around certain people. It's just I don't know what to say or they have an aura about them that puts red flags up, i.e there a bully or a liar.

It's likely anxiety, after years of bullying in school and in early adulthood, I'm kind of selective of who I talk to. At work for example, I have a handful of people who I talk to regularly but typically its because they talked to me first. I usually expect the worst out of people.

I wouldn’t say I have selective mutism, but I have gone mute many times in my life. Generally this is in big social situations where I get anxious and lost and shut down completely. When this happens I can’t speak, and it’s like I’m just watching as a fly on the wall. I can almost never come to when this happens and I have to leave the situation completely. They definitely notice lol.