Being too nice

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I'm a mix of niceness and kindness.... That's how it has been (I'm changing that). The people pleaser route is a deadly one and makes more harm than good. People see how much you're willing to give selflessly, and use it for their own means to explode you emotionally. You're right with everything you've said, Moondust, and I agree with everything (I'm not saying it to please you, or to cause a great impression on you, by the way)

Problem is, to survive in society, you can't decrease your niceness unless you increase your self-empowerment by the same degree. The scales have to be balanced all the time.

Um, you've described much of my life here. Being "too nice" has been one of my main coping mechanisms. It has less to do with kindness--though I can be kind when I want to be--and more to do with not wanting to deal with other people being mad at me. So in that regard it's sort of a defense mechanism. It's like I don't quite know when it's OK to be blunt and critical and when I need to be more diplomatic, so I am overly cautious in most situations.

On the other hand, when I'm at home or with people who I feel really comfortable around, I can come across as rather blunt.


I can relate to this. I actually think that the best leaders are often the ones who don't display what is stereotypically seen as "leadership ability."

I like to be perceived as 'nice' (well, compared to some of the other alternatives), and will generally try to pursue this quality of niceness throughout my interactions with someone, even if my instincts tell me that they aren't worth the effort, but if people try to take advantage of my perceived 'niceness', they are repelled with a level of directness in proportion to their blatancy.

This can range from a simple and non-negotiable 'No thank you', to a detailed and reasoned explanation of why their demands will not be met by me (often delivered in such socially-acceptable terms that they may not even realise immediately that I am turning them down) and possibly extending as far as a straightforward "f**k off" should the occasion demand.

It's hard, sometimes, to judge whether someone is attempting to take advantage, asking a favour because they consider you a friend (you might not perceive them as a friend, but ...), simply asking opportunistically for help, or something else, so I generally give people the benefit of the doubt.

But as a rule, if someone asks something of me that provokes an immediate gut reaction of "WTF??", then they're trying to take advantage and can be f****d off with impunity.

Sometimes, the sneakier varieties of this sort of person make an apparently-reasonable request to which I accede, only for them to come back later (having got under my radar at first and established my tendency to be amenable) with some less reasonable level of 'request' -- these take a bit more of a complex response.

Either way, once I have pegged someone as an advantage-taker, I stop interacting with them as far as is practically-possible (and ideally, altogether).

Sometimes, I can be a bit 'rude', according to some people. I clearly don't see why, though.

I definitely have the same problem. Being 'too nice' and having a weak voice also.
I'm slowly learning to be more assertive, though. At least online. It's slightly easier than in person.

I can sometimes come off as a little rude to some people, mostly because I don't realize what tone of voice I'm using.

But other times, I can be a bit of a pushover and just come off as being too nice... Hope you get my point.

can certainly relate to that. not sure if it an AS thing though, the family has issues with that too.

Either I'm rude and indifferent, or too nice, depends on the situation.

I try to be nice.
I am often too nice.

However, when agitated, frustrated, and/or angry I can be quite mean.
Generally speaking I'm nice to people unless I have to be around them a lot and they do something they're specifically aware that I'm intolerant of.
Even then, I'm usually pretty nice, but there are limits.
Crossing them tends not to end well for anyone.

Sometimes I just go along with people to be friendly and because I'm lonely and want the company.
I'm usually fairly generous with whatever resources I happen to have in any decent amount.
That's gotten me burned more than once by unscrupulous people who took advantage of my largeess and in some cases actually stole from me.

Too trusting, too nice, too naive, lacking guile...
I'm probably all of those things and more, as so many of us are.
They all center around a prime trait that seperates us from NTs more surely than any other: honesty.

Frankly, I think that's maybe the one fairly consistent trait about aspies and autists in general that as a whole tend to make us better, in a very tangible, very important way, than NTs.
Not that I'm saying autistics uber alles or anything like that, just that in that one particular, peculiar, and extremely admirable way we seem like nobler creatures than most of our NT brothers and sisters, more honest, open, and true than they could ever hope to be.
No wonder we creep them out sometimes.

I agree completely.

I wonder what happens if you decrease your niceness without increasing your self-empowerment? You cannot engage in social relationships?

I tend to do the same. I think it's due to the black-and-white thinking.

You're rejected, or attacked, at risk, etc. Observe how a new employee is always extremely nice to everyone at the beginning and reduces their niceness gradually as they gain achievements and become more and more recognized for their contribution at work.

Thanks for stating it out. I'm in that exact situation at the moment - new employee and everyone expects me to be nice to everyone even when they bully me. It's very hard for me to accept that situation, but I do it temporarily only to improve my career options.

My coworkers? When I think of many of them, hate is not a too strong word.

Achievements include who they see you hang with, who you form alliances with, which bosses listen to you, etc. All that empowers NTs. We're hardly able in those areas, so we have to find other ways to empower ourselves. In the meantime, we have to be nice and just dissociate from their treatment or we go crazy.