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Did I do anything wrong…?

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Feralucce
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21 Dec 2013, 1:33 pm

jk1 wrote:
I had a situation where my “friend” got angry with me. However, I really don’t think I did anything wrong. I really cannot understand why he would be angry. Could anyone find anything wrong with what I did?

Earlier this week my “friend” and I arranged to meet for coffee at 5pm on Friday. On Friday around midday he sent me a message to ask me if we could meet earlier because he had an appointment for 2pm near where we were going to meet (about 20mins distance from where we were meeting) and he would be finishing that appointment by 2:30pm. So he just wanted to meet me earlier since he would be able to be there earlier (I’d say around 2:50pm).

However, I was at work and couldn’t read that message till I finished work at 3:30pm. As soon as I found that message after work, I replied to him to let him know that I’d just read his message, I was on my way there and would be there by around 4pm (one hour earlier than we had originally arranged).

Then, to my surprise I immediately received an angry response from him saying that he would cancel our coffee and he was already on his way home because I made him wait.

It was his choice to be there earlier. He shouldn’t expect me to be able to change my plan with such short notice. I was even coming there at 4pm (one hour earlier than we had originally arranged). Why could he be angry? And he knew very well that I couldn’t always reply to his messages immediately. I can’t help thinking that he’s acting very childishly to be angry. Or is it my autistic naïveté not to notice something I did wrong?


No...your friend was being a butt


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ResilientBrilliance
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21 Dec 2013, 2:15 pm

Logically, he has no reason to be angry. But since when are people angry on a logical basis?



JSBACHlover
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21 Dec 2013, 2:24 pm

Joe90 wrote:
No you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like he expected you to come out of work when he wanted you to, not when your shift was up.

In a lot of situations I have read on here, and what I have experienced in my own life, seems not always the Aspie's fault.
No wonder most Aspies feel depressed and have low self-esteem, having people in our lives that are supposed to be our friends but then suddenly getting angry over things that they should know wasn't our fault.

I think this ^^^ is a really important point!

As an Aspie, haven't you been beaten down your whole life so that everything has been your fault? So we always think that if anything has gone wrong in a relationship or some interaction, then it must be us.

But Joe90 raised a great point. That simply isn't true! It's not always our fault. I think it's important for us to realize that often we are the ones who can be more polite than the NT.



goldfish21
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21 Dec 2013, 2:50 pm

jk1 wrote:
One of the posters above mentioned the possibility that he might have ASD. I actually strongly suspect that he does. That would explain some of his behavior. I would never bring it up to him though. He could be badly offended by something like that.


Depends how good a friend he is, I suppose. There are some in my life I see traits in but due to merely being acquaintances I wouldn't say anything. There are family and friends I've tactfully mentioned traits to in order to make them aware of it as well as offer to share any info/resources I can if they'd like to look into it further. Then there's my closest friend of the last few years who I wrote a 20 page letter to 4 1/2 months ago detailing his ASD traits & other things because I love him and want him to be happy, so he needs to know these things for his own good. He hasn't read it yet and it's been extremely difficult not to be able to discuss it with him. I am planning on risking pissing him off on Christmas morning with a very blunt, but strategic & tactful, reminder to read it. He doesn't know what the subject matter is yet. Hopefully he'll read it soon & find out. That's just MY take on informing others of ASD, ymmv.


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jk1
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21 Dec 2013, 4:12 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
jk1 wrote:
One of the posters above mentioned the possibility that he might have ASD. I actually strongly suspect that he does. That would explain some of his behavior. I would never bring it up to him though. He could be badly offended by something like that.


Depends how good a friend he is, I suppose. There are some in my life I see traits in but due to merely being acquaintances I wouldn't say anything. There are family and friends I've tactfully mentioned traits to in order to make them aware of it as well as offer to share any info/resources I can if they'd like to look into it further. Then there's my closest friend of the last few years who I wrote a 20 page letter to 4 1/2 months ago detailing his ASD traits & other things because I love him and want him to be happy, so he needs to know these things for his own good. He hasn't read it yet and it's been extremely difficult not to be able to discuss it with him. I am planning on risking pissing him off on Christmas morning with a very blunt, but strategic & tactful, reminder to read it. He doesn't know what the subject matter is yet. Hopefully he'll read it soon & find out. That's just MY take on informing others of ASD, ymmv.


I hope it'll go well. Even if he is offended initially, he would eventually realize you wouldn't have done it if you didn't care about him.

Sadly, I don't think I have a friend close enough to do that for. I'd much rather not offend this "friend" and would rather leave him unaware of the possibility of him having ASD.



jk1
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21 Dec 2013, 4:29 pm

I thank again everyone who posted here. I feel more confident that I didn't do anything wrong.

JSBACHlover wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
No you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like he expected you to come out of work when he wanted you to, not when your shift was up.

In a lot of situations I have read on here, and what I have experienced in my own life, seems not always the Aspie's fault.
No wonder most Aspies feel depressed and have low self-esteem, having people in our lives that are supposed to be our friends but then suddenly getting angry over things that they should know wasn't our fault.

I think this ^^^ is a really important point!

As an Aspie, haven't you been beaten down your whole life so that everything has been your fault? So we always think that if anything has gone wrong in a relationship or some interaction, then it must be us.

But Joe90 raised a great point. That simply isn't true! It's not always our fault. I think it's important for us to realize that often we are the ones who can be more polite than the NT.


This is very true. My motivation to start this thread was exactly that. I couldn't fully convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong. I've been conditioned to automatically doubt myself whenever there is a conflict etc. Even if you are bullied, you are blamed for being bullied. Although I'm recently becoming more and more aware of where I stand, I still cannot ditch my bad automatic habit.



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21 Dec 2013, 5:20 pm

jk1 wrote:
I thank again everyone who posted here. I feel more confident that I didn't do anything wrong.

JSBACHlover wrote:
Joe90 wrote:
No you didn't do anything wrong. Sounds like he expected you to come out of work when he wanted you to, not when your shift was up.

In a lot of situations I have read on here, and what I have experienced in my own life, seems not always the Aspie's fault.
No wonder most Aspies feel depressed and have low self-esteem, having people in our lives that are supposed to be our friends but then suddenly getting angry over things that they should know wasn't our fault.

I think this ^^^ is a really important point!

As an Aspie, haven't you been beaten down your whole life so that everything has been your fault? So we always think that if anything has gone wrong in a relationship or some interaction, then it must be us.

But Joe90 raised a great point. That simply isn't true! It's not always our fault. I think it's important for us to realize that often we are the ones who can be more polite than the NT.


This is very true. My motivation to start this thread was exactly that. I couldn't fully convince myself that I didn't do anything wrong. I've been conditioned to automatically doubt myself whenever there is a conflict etc. Even if you are bullied, you are blamed for being bullied. Although I'm recently becoming more and more aware of where I stand, I still cannot ditch my bad automatic habit.



I have noticed with aspies, they always think they did something wrong whenever someone gets mad at them or other things like if they took offense to what they said. I always think it's due to being aware of their symptoms so they don't know if they didn't do anything wrong and that could be due to not understanding social situations so how are they going to know they are not at fault and when the are? They would have to rely on other people who they trust to tell them if they did anything wrong or not.

Then there are other groups of aspies who think they didn't do anything wrong and it's always the other person's fault and never them. I think I like the first group better than this group. I don't even see the point in admitting you have AS if you don't think you're ever wrong. You're basically saying you have no impairments and no problems and it's everyone else who has problems, not you. You will mind as well be in denial about having it.

Then I am sure there are few who are in the middle like everyone else but most aspies seem to be one or the other. They think they are at fault always or think they are never at fault.


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CockneyRebel
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21 Dec 2013, 10:33 pm

You didn't do anything wrong.


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21 Dec 2013, 11:16 pm

Of course not. most people cant sit and read text msg at work, i know back when i had a job, because it was with food, we werent even allowed to have mobiles with us, they were up where we changed clothes in a locker.

The right thing for him to do was obviously to either meet up at the time you have agreed to, or actually wait for a reply or just cancel the appointment if he didn wanna wait.

Some people have this problem with text messages that they think they should be getting replies instantly. Sure we are in a digital world. but like it or not we cant always be around or be able to reply instantly.

If he cant figure that out, you might have to explain it to him, than when you are at work, if you start calling people or sending messages, can actually get you fired many places. Since they are paying you to work.

Does he have a job himself ?. Or some people have a job where they can text and call people, and then they think thats how it is for everyone.

Even though its hard, its really important to learn when something is not your fault, stuff like that will eat you up inside. There is no question here. its 100% his fault. and dont go apologizing or anything now, its better to put hard against hard. Friends or no friends, they gotta learn when something is their fault. So if he is mad then its his problem. Starting to suck up wont do anyone any good. that will only go down one path, i know, because i was like that when i was younger. always taking the blame for everything, thought everything was my fault. Wish i could go back in time and talk some sense into myself.



billtheamerican
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23 Dec 2013, 3:55 am

Your friend is behaving childishly.
You did what you said you would do and more.
No one can reasonably hold you accountable for not acting on information you had not received.