Diagnosis and identity

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1. Learning about AS: I learned about it when I was 20. It gave me a label other than "crazy". It also explained my mom's weird behavior. It also made me kind of pessimistic about my ability to succeed socially. I kind of viewed it as something that makes me unable to develop social skills....ever. I decided that I would fight it. I would survive and be just like everybody else, regardless.

2. Getting diagnosed: I assumed that I had AS when I first found out about it. I have all the symptoms. Also, I was successful at diagnosing myself with depression and seasonal affective disorder. However, I was not able to get confirmation of my diagnosis until a couple of years ago when I was 27. It took me that long to find a mental health professional who knew anything about AS. I was kind of in denial when I got the diagnosis confirmed. That meant I couldn't doubt it anymore. I couldn't hope and pretend that I was normal. I am still coming to terms with the diagnosis two years later. I know that I can have a good life because others with AS have had good lives. I also know that I will never be normal. I have adjusted my expectations of myself. Through continued social interaction, I am gaining confidence in my social skills. I am not doing counseling anymore or anything like that. It takes too much social interaction. I'm not saying I can't do it, but why build a career on something that depends on being good at the thing you struggle most with? The stress from my last job was unbelievable! I really like working at the factory. I think I might find a career in mechanics or some other skilled labor, using my strengths and acknowledging my weaknesses. I guess, with the support of my therapist and coming here, AS is part of my identity but not how I define myself. I've got other mental health problems that I have to deal with. I also have my unique personality independent of any diagnosis and full of strengths as well as weaknesses. I think I accept having AS now.

I was diagnosed at 40, and it helped me to understand myself so much better. Instead of my entire life history just being a random jumble of epic failure in every aspect, suddenly it all made sense. My life is an example of what happens to an autistic person who blunders through it without knowing they're autistic.

So I don't feel like a failure anymore. I kind of feel like my life was an episode of Candid Camera, where I was thrown into a hilariously impossible situation, and then was finally told "don't worry, it's not your fault, this was an insane scenario to begin with."

And I feel like now I can finally approach life in a way that works for me, and avoid getting into situations that I can't handle. I feel like it's okay to be a happy introvert, and nothing to be ashamed of!