Before Asperger's

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Dont have to conjecture about it. I lived most of my life in the era when most folks (even most shrinks) in my country never heard of aspergers. My country being the USA.

They thought of folks with aspergers as wierdos, nerds, dorks, misfits, loners, losers, ret*ds, or such.

Why do you ask?

That is really funny!

WOW! It's amazing that you said that because when I was a kid and even at about that age I used to feel exactly that, literally that exact sentiment!

I just have Asperger traits but I was born in the early 1950s. I was trying to figure out who I am/was. If I could get the words that were used for people with Asperger's or high functioning autism, then I would see if those words were used for me. I see a psychologist but he is not an Asperger specialist. I do believe traits is more accurate for me but I just keep going back to it to get a full understanding. I am probably perseverating - but I don't care. I don't find perseverating unpleasant.

"does not live up to his potential", "painfully shy" "klutz"
"Where's Waldo" as a 30 and 40 something adult in the 90's

Well, I'm not diagnosed but pretty closely fit the bill for ASD. Started learning about it about 3 years ago.
Before I knew what it was, I'm not even sure if I had heard of it. Autism to me (I was foolishly unaware of symptoms of ASD) just meant someone, well, incompetent. Looking back at class mates I now suspect may have been on the spectrum, I always just found them bothersome (even though I find everybody bothersome) and aloof. Like they weren't trying in school and didn't care about anything. Some higher functioning individuals struck me as particularly standoffish.

From an internal point of view, if I do actually have Asperger's as I suspect, I always knew I didn't have friends and was never on the same page as other people. It didn't bother me, though. I don't think I realized it was strange for me to never see or play with other kids until almost mid high school. It was once I became aware of that and started putting in effort to make friends, thought, that my inability to connect became more and more bothersome. Really I might just be a hypocritically sensitive a**hole with some bizarre tics who doesn't understand other people and doesn't like being touched. I have gone from questioning my sexuality for the last half of high school after realizing I didn't feel the same way as my peers about physical contact, to hating myself for "being a bad person" and ruining all the friendships I start, to having uncontrollable emotional meltdowns that I find no way to ease but through negative actions against myself.

In junior high school, there was a classmate that I now suspect may have been an aspie. He had a clipboard or legal pad and would ask people questions about geneology. I was not interested in geneology, so I just said "I don't know". He asked about people's ancestry and I did not care about that. I wish I could talk to him now.

Ohhhhh. I forgot about "does not live up to potential". All my report cards had variations of that. "Does not try". "Would do well, if tried". "Does not make the effort". Also, I am well acquainted with "painfully shy".

I still feel that way. I had been calling them "panic attacks" but when I looked that up, it said panic attacks were physical sensations. My "panic attacks" were so terrorizing that I was unaware of physical sensations. I just felt trapped and needed to get out and be alone. I always tried to be in the background so no one would notice I was not like them. Then, someone feels you have been left out and says something like "Well, justkillingtime, we have not heard from you. What are your thoughts?" or "We have been talking for 20 minutes and justkillingtime has not said anything". Then it is like stage lights are on me and there is an audience that will soon find out I am an impostor.

skibum: did you get over it?

Yes, I think I did. But the only reason I think I did is because as an adult I know that I have the freedom to just leave the room. As a child I could not or rather did not know that I could all the time. Like if we were visiting relatives I could not always just get up and leave and sometimes if I was at someone else's house I had no where to go. Now I can just say, "excuse me, I need to go" or I can tell someone else, "you need to leave my space now." And now I am not trapped in a classroom at school so I think that freedom made all the difference.

I am also able to spend time alone on my terms now which is a big difference. I can go ski or ride my bike on the rail trail for hours and get away and relax. And my husband has been great about understanding my need for alone time and helping me get it. Every now and then I still feel that way in a conversation though and those usually end up with me having a head bang meltdown. But when I was little I often hid and retreated in my room or if we were at someone's house I tried to find a place where I could go or I would play with the dog if they had one.

I was diagnosed with elective mutism, generalized anxiety and OCD as a child, which was well before AS existing as a diagnosis.

That mixed with "you're weird, you're a loser, you'll never amount to anything and you'll be in jail as an adult.". My parents even frequently made those statements.

I wonder why parents and authority figures used to do that. My theory is that they did it thinking that it would shame the person into behaving differently.

Thankfully we live in more understanding times, because shame and negativity do not produce positive results.

It's like planting a tree, then giving it vinegar and salt instead of water and fertilizer - and expecting it to grow strong and healthy!

Before I was diagnosed, my ex would tell me that I was a hybrid and that I am evil. He's history now.

When I was a kid I was told that I would be dead before I reached 21 and that there is nothing for me in this world.

If you were an Aspie, and could keep the stims and such under the radar, you probably had a repetitive job. Factory, office work, farming, maybe in a lab tending to experiments. No one needed you to be this dynamic social butterfly. You did the work, and got the hell home.

You could live in a studio apartment or rent a room. You could have your interests, and people would think you're an eccentric. After a while people stopped pestering you to date.

Your family probably wrote you off as weird, since you didn't date to mate and have a litter of kids.

I had many aunts and uncles who never married, and had a non professional jobs. No one ever really said much. I have no clue what their reasons were, since I was very small.

No one cared if you went to school, because many people didn't finish high school back in the 30', 40's and 50's. Many kids had to hustle jobs to support their families. It didn't mean you were stupid.

Of course, if you were low functioning you got shipped off to an asylum or farm.

Hell, people didn't know what was wrong. And other than, "Not right in the head." Life was too hard to spend a huge chunk of time dissecting your issues.

My parents told me I was selfish and cold.

"he's a weirdo; leave him alone."